Wonkette
The presumptive Republican presidential nominee may not have the money, star power, or party affiliation of his opponent, but that doesn't mean he won't win the presidency this November! He just needs to spend his wooden nickels wisely and hope that Candidate Obama has 50 more scary preachers where the first lunatic came from. Other supersecret campaign techniques after the jump.
1. He will talk about how much he loves guns and hates abortion, to appeal to his party's conservative base.
2. He will campaign in underpopulated backwaters and black communities to show downtrodden minorities and yokels that he is serious about giving the appearance he cares about them.
3. He will court Hispanic and Jewish voters, "two Democratic-leaning constituencies that may have reservations about Sen. Obama."
4. He will parade around his mother to show that there is at least one American citizen older than he is.
5. He will swap all of America for a slice of Canadian national park in a complicated real-estate subterfuge that makes Peter Keating the permanent dictator of Manhattan and Vicki Iseman the Queen Consort.
McCain Sets Stage for Fall Run [Wall Street Journal]
Comments
My guess is we won't see the 2000 John McCain, although that is the one the press is always writing about.
Oh please. The man will have one strategy from here on out - scare the stoopid white peepel. Not that hard to do actually.
What I'm wondering is, is it actually politically expedient to replace your brain with Bush when running for president? Or is it part of some Faustian deal Republican nominees are forced to take?
McCain's intro from a speech to a Jewish Group.
"Oy, my feet are killing me. I once noshed at this little deli in Arizona and I plotzed when I tried their Chicken Salad. I went to this other place down on 5th and they had the best BLT I ever had. They used this peppercorn mayo with cheese on the bacon and it was so... hey, why are you leaving?"
what is this fantasy that latino's have any reservations about obama? that they tended to favor clinton does not mean that they have issues against obama, it just means they liked clinton better. what a crock of shit.
uhm, sorry, it's only noon and i've had a shitty day.
Insane McCain campaigns mainly without brains.
ok, so he can scare the jewish vote by saying hama's wants obama president, but how can he scare the latino vote? by saying the GOP wants obama president?
CUNTS for McCain
@metropolitan: By saying that Pancho Villa wants Obama to be president.
6. He promises to ignore the next natural disaster that befalls America three days earlier than Bush would start ignoring it.
@Darehead: Insane McCain campaigns mainly sans brains.@metropolitan: My Italian friends say Messicans hate teh Blacks.
Well, I suppose he can die and vote the cemetary from underneath. Not that I'm recommending that as a long-term strategy, as Fred Thompson was the obvious one to try that first. And failed.
Do you guys just have a massive archive of pictures of McCain looking absolutely batshit? He's the gift that keeps on giving.
@TGY: Oops, "cemetery". Overdose of Friday.
Massive archive of pictures that prove McCain is absolutely batshit crazy?
Point and shoot camera, or a cell phone will do.
Its the sound that really proves that McCain has multiple personalities, and all of them have dementia.
Now thats batshit crazy.
@V572625694: Well my Jewish friends who hate the blacks say the Italians are afraid of the Messicans; plus the Puerto Rican... sorry, I forgot where I was going with this.
Everybody loves teh pretteh. Obama is teh pretteh.
The old bastard should just get Gonzo to declare war on Iran... instant victory and the apocalypse, FINALLY.
@lascauxcaveman: Seriously yo. And Jews love teh clever, and Obama is a freaking professor! A professor for President, that's like a Jew's wet dream! At least this Jew's...
The vain McCain stains mainly in his Hanes.
He's the spitting image of the Cryptkeeper in that photo.
@Darehead: You shore do have a way with the typed words. Does that translate to other activities involving your fingers?
You liberal pussies are going to eat your words when your party implodes and McCain is stomping mudholes in your collective asses this November.
6. Go on the Daily Show 13 more times to try and look young and hip(or is Rad and Extreme?)
@tunamelt: No, that's Cindy.
[en.wikipedia.org]
6. Don't keel over from The Croup halfway through July.
@san antone rose: If you can polka, I'll treat ya to a mocha.
@lascauxcaveman: So much hate and fear, so little time. How do we get it all done?
@AxmxZ: My wet dream is a competent, capable president who doesn't appoint hacks and cronies to every open position. Even Hillary could've met this standard.
@V572625694: Based on her campaign staff, I think perhaps you give Madame too much credit.
Walnuts's new ad featuring his mother (seriously. no joke.):
"He was the sweetest, nicest child I've ever known," Roberta McCain says, with whimsical music underneath. "Well, he's not perfect," she adds. It ends with "I'm John McCain and I approve this message -- and my mom does, too."
Bwahahahahahah. What a fucking loser. People don't really think FuckNuts! has a chance, do they?
@V572625694:
And can speak the damn English fer Gawds sake, heh heh heh...And NO ethnic dancing, unless you are indeed, ethnic.
@AxmxZ:
If only his brother was a doctor...
6. Don't die.
7. Don't mention Depends adult diapers in public.
8. DON'T DIE! Seriously.
@Darehead: As long as you don't mind me holding a sausage in my hand out on the dance floor.
Oy gevalt! I will personally kike-slap any members of my tribe who are voting for Walnuts.
...and he will finally vote for George Bush for President (posthumously of course)
@ronaldpagan: Take Liz Glover when you go after Lieberman -- I want pictures!
@metropolitan: no no, you completely misunderestimate how elections work. People never vote FOR politicians, only against.
I mean, they're fucking politicians. You vote for the least shitty, and when you can't decide who you hate least, you just fall back on skin color.
6. He will have Cindy buy drugs for everybody. Yeah. That's the ticket.
@MikeL:
Or she could just steal the drugs since she already knows where to get them although she needs work on the "not getting caught" part.
@V572625694: That's my deep desire, yes. But my wet dream? A hot U of C professor President. :)
Saw a black comedienne on cable say how glad black people were about Mexican immigrants because now the police had some other group to beat up on. Take the pressure off the blacks, who can now unfairly blame the Mexicans the way whites unfairly blame blacks. She had this whole utterly racist pecking order thing worked out. Mainly black audience seemed to enjoy themselves.
By and large I'm sort of doubting latinos will go McCain/Bush, since it's that little clique of elite old rich white men who have been painting targets on the backs of Hispanics for lo these many years.
Not that a miserable failure of a soldier like 'Slippery' John could actually hit a such a target unless he was crashing his plane into it.
Walnuts will pick either Lieberman (Eyore loves to hump Heffalumps) or Jeb Shrub for his VP. Either way, watch out for a quick succession if he wins -- take a look at that throbbing vein in McWalnuts' left temple. Yikes!
6. call the supreme court and get selected (sorry it's not funny, but that's all i can think of)
6. Have Lieberman vouch for your "bearings."
7. Remind people that in 2000 when Bush tried to shake your hand after outrageous attack ads against you, you pulled away and growled, "Don't give me that shit, and take your hands away from me." Remind people that you hate that son of a bitch.
8. Pretend to bomb Iran whistling sound-effects and using hand gestures, going "Bweeooooooooooooooo-oo-oo, BOOM!"
9. Echo the words of your pastor about how America was founded to strangle every last of the world's billion plus Muslims with their bare hands. That, and with bombs. "Bweeooooooooo-oo-oo, BOOM!"
10. Argue that once Islam has been destroyed, there will be peace.
11. Sell off all remaining federal lands for lobbyist dollars to keep campaign afloat.
12. ?
13. PROFIT!
He will demonstrate how he was waterboarded to prove he knows the techniques of torture he says he deplores, while supporting the Bush Administration's use of it as a means of protecting our Great Nation of freedom loving, compassionate, and human rights advocating citizens.
@IrasGlasses: Correction. Have Lieberman "personally check" your bearings.
6. Avoid massive stroke before convention
After some consideration, I actually think that it's possible that McCain would be a worse president than Bush.
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