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New York City Manages to Ruin Tomorrow's Snow Day for All the Little Children [Sad Things]

Brian Moylan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 13:31:34 EST

Due to the ominous forecast for tomorrow, New York City has already ordered a preemptive snow day for public schools. Great way to rob these children of one of the greatest feelings that they'll ever have, Bloomberg.

One of the immense joys of childhood was waking up in the morning to look out the window and see a world covered in white, pristine snow then waiting anxiously around the breakfast table to hear whether or not school had been canceled. As the towns (or counties) canceling classes for the day would scroll across the bottom of the screen, we could barely even shovel Cap'n Crunch into our mouths just waiting, waiting to see the name of our school slapped on the television giving us the brilliant freedom of a day off. Calling school off a day early destroys the whole experience.

The problem with letting everyone know about the cancellation in advance is it ruins all the fantastic feelings of anticipation (Related: the sad adult version). Knowing that they're going to have an unexpected holiday, the kids will sleep in the next day and probably procrastinate their homework until Wednesday night. They'll wake up in the morning, already knowing they have nothing to do, but with the dread of the impending work hanging over the festivities like a heavy film of immovable ice coating a windshield.

When you have to wait until the morning, homework would always get done the night before, just in case the snow didn't come. (Waking up to a normal world when you thought there'd surely be a blizzard is one of the worst feelings of childhood.) An early start was mandatory, because the announcement had yet to be made. A potential snow day was like a mini Christmas morning, lying in bed nervously waiting to see whether or not the school superintendent would play Santa Claus, giving us the gift of a day with nothing to do but tire ourselves out running around in the cool, wet goodness, sledding down hills, building forts, having snowball fights, and warming up our pink toes while watching The Price is Right. The mandatory early rise waiting for the good news meant plenty of daylight to burn while exploring the winter wonderland.

Being a kid can suck sometimes, they don't have any money, they can't make any decisions on their own, and they aren't even old enough to drink. One of the one unadulterated blisses were these little tastes of freedom without any stress or obligation, with nothing to do buy enjoy oneself and literally seize the day before going back to petty tyranny of Mrs. Laferrier and her stupid vocabulary words and equations the next day. Thanks to weather forecasting technology, the news-show-indunced paranoia of the modern age, and mean mean city officials, even while the snow day lives, it is a sad crippled version of what it could be. Next time the forecast carries a truckload of flakes to dump on the city, do all the kids a favor and make them wait. Anything less is practically criminal

[Image via Getty]

Lost Tease: What Kate Didn't Do? [Lossssst]

Richard Lawson — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 13:11:00 EST

Tonight's episode is called "What Kate Does," an obvious recall of the season two episode "What Kate Did," wherein we found out who Kate killed. Though, a curious video from last summer's ComicCon suggests that history may have changed...

Yes, that's the real John Walsh, talking about the fake Kate Austen's murderous crime. Remember that she blew up her mean old daddy in that house? Well... huh. This version of history seems to indicate that Kate didn't actually kill her dad, rather one of his innocent coworkers. So. Does the weird alternate future we were presented with last week come fully loaded with an alternate past? Just what the H-E-double fuckysticks is going on here? We doubt we'll really find out tonight. Sigh. [via EW]

How to Destroy a Perfectly Good Fake Trend Story [Trendwatch]

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 13:06:02 EST

We all know that New York Times fake trend stories are annoying because they are 1) fake, and 2) trend stories. But do not neglect their third worst quality: many are terribly written. Allow us to show you.

The underlying cause of the poorest-written portions of most fake trend stories is the insistence by NYT editors that every fake trend story have some sort of "stats" graf—a graf that attempts to force a clearly made-up premise into an empirically justifiable form. Since fake trend stories are, by definition, pure bullshit, this requirement often results in the most tortured or transparently ridiculous part of what could have been a perfectly decent story, had it been upfront about its total lack of journalistic merit. Examples:

The Run-On Nightmare: The NYT's in-house grammar scold highlights this (14 verb forms in one sentence!), from last month's "Hipsters are living in cold apartments" piece:

As Americans across the country wrestle with spouses and their thermostats over how low to go - as they join contests like Freeze Yer Buns, now in its third year, a challenge posed by Deanna Duke, a Seattle-based environmental blogger who calls herself the Crunchy Chicken, to lower the thermostat to around 55 degrees, or follow the lead of the Maine couple trying to live comfortably in a furnace-free house and blogging about it in their Cold House Journal - there are those who are living nearly without heat by choice, and doing just fine, thank you very much.
The Unsupported Anecdote-to-Wide Angle Pivot: From September's "Everybody is jogging with their babies now" fitness piece:

Mrs. Keith is an extreme example of an increasingly common breed of runner: parents who hit the road with their offspring in jogging strollers, typically single or double versions with two 16-inch inflatable tires in back and a single tire in front.

But, experts say, there is a learning curve to running with a stroller.
The Futile Attempt to Disprove Its Own Acknowledgment of Preposterousness: From Guy Trebay's lively exposé of the Hamptons t-shirt industry:

It's not exactly news that clothes denote status, but in beachside communities, where even corporate raiders and United States senators slope around in flip-flops and board shorts, the signs of inclusion among local elites are more challenging to convey. And, while there is no formalized uniform to identify which group one belongs to, a lot can be read in an item that upon a time was worn as underclothes.
The Improper Use of 'More Than Likely:' From Allen Salkin's mathematical proof that New York's young white comedians flock to Astoria, Queens, just like "creatures that flourish at certain warm depths of a coral reef but not a foot deeper where the water is colder:"

Thanks to cheap rents that allow time for writing, ample parking that makes road trips to out-of-town clubs easy and a myriad of other comedian-lifestyle perks, it has become more than likely that if you meet a comedian outside a New York City club, he (most of them are men) will tell you he lives in the Queens neighborhood better known as a gold mine of Greek restaurants.

New York Times editors: Please stop torturing your writers, and their readers. Let bullshit be bullshit.
[Pic via]

Hooray, The New Republic Has Decided Someone Is an Antisemite [Cranks]

Pareene — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:49:55 EST

Uh oh! Former New Republic editor Andrew Sullivan posted a quote about The New Republic on his blog, without context. Time for a 4,300-word essay on how he hates the Jews!

"Displaced and unglossed quotations are always in some way mordant, and bristle smugly with implications," longtime New Republic literary editor and old crank Leon Wieseltier says. "Let us see what this one implies." Oh, let's!

The subject of the quote is The Trinity. The quote is by W. H. Auden, who was British and, for like a couple years, Catholic. Sullivan is British and very Catholic. Wieseltier acknowledges that, indeed, he does not understand The Trinity. But that is beside the point, because the point is that Sullivan was totally Jew-baiting.

Another time, on his blog, Sullivan noted that while most American Jews are liberal, there exist a couple prominent right-wing Jews who routinely issue opinions on international politics that would probably be fairly objectionable to the Liberal Jews. This is very antisemitic.

As far as I can tell, Krauthammer's position on torture is owed to a deep and sometimes frantic concern for American security, and his position on the war in Gaza to a deep and sometimes frantic concern for Israeli security, and his position on Iran to a deep and sometime frantic concern for American and Israeli security. Whatever the merits of his views, I do not see that his motives are despicable.

So. Charles Krauthammer supports torture and nuking Iran, yes, but for very good reasons. It is therefore rank antisemitism to call him despicable, even if you happen to have a very strong moral conviction that fucking torture is despicable. Oh, but Krauthammer presents his despicable views dispassionately, with arguments, while Sullivan offers only "feelings as ideas." You may personally feel (but be careful—feeling is not as important as arguing) that dressing up morally reprehensible ideas with pseudo-intellectual justifications is, in fact, among the worst crimes a supposed public intellectual can commit, but you probably hate Jews too.

Wiesteltier goes on to conflate criticism of Israeli policies with criticisms of Jews as a whole while complaining that it's not appropriate for Sullivan to make generalized statements like calling concern for human rights a "Jewish virtue." Only Jews can write critical things about Israel and it's antisemitic to say that Jews who write about Israel are writing about it as Jews.

Also: "there is no such thing as Jewish fundamentalism," Leon says. And you might say, whaaaa?? Don't worry, he has a perfectly sensible and non-tautological proof:

The settlers on the West Bank and the religious fascists in their midst are not fundamentalists. They represent a particular school of interpretation of scriptural and rabbinical authorities–a debatable one and a deplorable one. But they are not fundamentalists.

Right. Sure. Let's try that argument out the next time Marty Peretz writes something about those darned Muslims: "Islamic extremists are terrible fascists, but there is no such thing as Islamic fundamentalism, because they are not fundamentalists."

The crime is not that Sullivan is a conspiracist who thinks a cabal of Jews controls American foreign policy—that is insane. The crime is that Sullivan fucking criticizes Israel at all, without being a Jew. (Wieseltier is allowed to say mildly critical things about Netanyahu and call the settlers fascists because he is a member of the Tribe and he writes for The New Republic, which will only criticize Israel in occasional asides in the middle of articles on Those Terrible Liberal Antisemites or Those Terrible Muslims.) And you can accuse Andrew Sullivan of being emotional, inconsistent, and generally goofy (and you can complain about his hysterical post-9/11 writings, which Leon brings up purely to find something actually objectionable to object to, or the egregiously racist bullshit he published as editor of The New Republic, which Leon does not bring up), but to say that because he thinks the settlements should be dismantled and he finds Charles fucking Krauthammer objectionable that he is an antisemite is bullshit of the highest order. (Not that we're surprised! Leon Wieseltier is a first-class bullshit artist! He consistently provides totally quality zingers slathered in the finest aged bullshit.)

Meanwhile, TNR publisher and on-again, off-again owner Marty Peretz posts something racist enough to make Tom Tancredo blush almost weekly. Like, explicitly so. You don't actually need deep readings of his extensive archives to find evidence of implicit racist motives. He just lets it all hang loose.

Kell on Earth: For Whom the Kell Tolls [Recaps]

Brian Moylan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:17:21 EST

We were so busy buying bread and toilet paper for the impending snowstorm that we missed Kell on Earth last night. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was there during the filming, so she filled us on what happened.

The Emu, The Witch, and the Wardrobe Malfuction
By Betsey Morgenstern

Last we left off, the computer glitch I hacked into Kelly Cutrone's computer system at People's Revolution PR caused the lists for the Shadow Ralph Pucci show to print out all wrong and Little Stephanie was freaking out and about to cry and Kelly was all, "If you have to cry, cry outside," and I just laughed and laughed. Hahaha. That's what Betsey said.

It's an hour before the show and the client is demanding the list and the seating chart but because they can't print the list out, we're totally screwed. But Kelly is a cool character and she has a solution. We're handwriting out the lists and filling in the blanks and, instead of having a paper list that's wrong, she has us bring all our computers to the site so that we can use the list that's in the database that is correct. God, Kelly does think quick on her feet.

I'm still pissed at Little Stephanie and don't want this to go smoothly at all, so I formulate a plan. I get on Craigslist and some of the fashion blogs and leave this post:

Hey everyone, I work for the PR company that does the Shadow Ralph Pucci show and there aren't nearly enough people coming tonight and we need bodies to fill the seats badly. Just show up at 7pm in the tents and tell the girl at the desk that Stephanie put you on the list. They'll give you a seat to see the show. You'll get some fashion, and we'll get a full house. Everyone wins!

We get to the venue and hell is breaking loose at the front door. While Kelly scampers around backstage me and seven other black-clad PR girls are trying to work the door. They're checking people on the computer and writing out seat assignments for everyone who is supposed to be there. That's what we were supposed to do at least. I wasn't even looking people up I was just putting them in random seats, let Kelly figure it out inside.

That's when all the dummies from the internet started showing up demanding seats, even though they weren't even invited. Emily was freaking out about how all these nobodies were just arriving and trying to fool their way into a show. She was all, "Who are these people? Who told them they could do this." I didn't dare answer, I just smiled and said, "People can be such assholes."

Things were getting horrible for Kelly inside, I heard her over the radio saying that Ralph Pucci was getting all upset because there were photographers backstage and he was bitching about them being too close and then they would go away and he would bitch that there was no one taking his picture and then they would come and he would be like "Get those idiots away from me. I am an artiste!" Kelly decided to leave and help sort out the mess with the seating, kicking people out of the front row who thought they were supposed to sit there. Oops! Was that my fault? One guy even gave her all this attitude and when she said, "I'm sorry, you can't sit here," he was all, "You should be sorry!" I was ready for Kelly to throw him to the ground and punch him in the face, but I have learned in my short time working for her that she is much more professional than you would imagine.

The show itself went well, but everything else was just a mess. Kelly got fired the next day. When she found out she hung up the phone with a loud bang and cursed and swore. At the intern desk nearby, I just hung my head low so that my hair would cover my face as I giggled while attaching 61-cent stamps to envelopes that only needed 44-cent stamps. That's wasting 21 cents an envelope. See, Big Stephanie is in charge of the interns and she is basically an emu. She's tall and slender and her head darts around in random directions, but she doesn't do much of anything. Also her brain is the size of two peanuts squished together. After spending 20 minutes showing everyone how to use a phone (which, duh), she then told us to mail all these invitations to the Generations Denim presentation that was happening the next week. I asked, "Stephanie, which stamps do we use?"

She said, "No one told me so, I don't know."

"Well, then we should use the more expensive ones so that we're sure they get there, right?"

"I was given no direction, so I don't know."

"OK, then I'm going to use the more expensive ones."

"I'm not going to tell you to do that so I don't get blamed, but I'm not not going to tell you to
do that either."

Of course 20 minutes later Emily tells her that she should use 44-cent stamps so then we have to peel all the 61-cent stamps off and put them back onto the little sheet the come on and put on the 44-cent stamps. Oh, it's such a joy working with Big Emu Stephanie.

I swear to god I would have quit by now if it weren't for Tim, the hot Irish fellow intern who I always flirt with at work. We had a real run in a few days after the stamp incident. We were all in the office and Little Stephanie went with Little Andrew to get her roots touched up, and Big Stephanie had us sending out gift bags full of jeans to all the editors who would be going to the Generations Denim fashion presentation. We asked B.S. what to do and she said, "I don't know, but they need to go out now. So do them now. Just do them." So Tim picks up a sharpie and starts writing all the editors names on the bag. Mary was taking the jeans off the shelf, Sally was folding them, Sam was opening the bag, Harry was placing the jeans in the bag, and I was putting the bags on the floor. We had a whole system. That is until Kelly shows up in the room and sees the nasty tattered bags with loose jeans in them.

"This isn't how you send a gift," she screamed. We told her that Big Stephanie told us to send them out right away but didn't tell us how, and she called everyone together and gave us a big lecture about how we're going to fuck up her business and then she and her daughter will be out on the street and will have no food and her daughter will have no clothes, so she and her daughter can't go through her closet and play "back to school looks" like she is the star of an eight-year-old fashion show. Anyway, she tells us to take a 30 minute break because she needs her space.

I make sure that I'm walking out next to Tim. "Hey, Tim, that was really harsh back there."

"I knoooow," he brogues. "I dinna want to upset Kella. I feel realla baaa."
I kind of have no idea what he is saying, but as the strange syllables pour out of his beautiful mouth, I start to get a little horny. And we do have 30 minutes to do whatever we want."Hey, Tim, know what will make you feel better? Maybe we should have sex."

"That sounds fun. But where are we ginna gooo?"

"Let's just walk down Broadway a little bit. They have a public bathroom at Uniqlo. I'm sure they won't mind if we use that."

"Come on. That sounds like fin."

We went to the store and I had a little poke around with his shellaleigh and we scared a whole bunch of fat tourists from Florida, and it took way longer than I thought it would. What guy last 45 minutes in a public toilet? After we were done we had be gone from Kelly's for like an hour. When we got into the office, she was pissed.

"Tim, where the fuck have you been? I'm trying to run a business here. I said go for 30 minutes, I meant 30 minutes, not come back whenever the fuck you want. Where have you been?"

"Oh, Kella. I was, ah...I was ah...tryin' to call me mum. Yeah. She's rill worried about me, because I haven't called home in foreva, so I was tryin' to find a pay phone so I could call."

"Tim, that's so sweat," Kelly said. As soon as you mention mothers her sweet side comes out and she turns into a genuinely kind human being. Tim knew this, the only problem was that his mother died in a car crash when he was 12. "Call her now," Kelly insisted handing the phone toward him.

He didn't know what to do and just stood there. "Call me," I whispered out of the side of my mouth while pulling on his pant leg. He nodded like he heard me and I ran off to the bathroom and turned my phone on vibrate. When the phone rang, I put on my best Irish accent and started talking dirty to Tim. He really liked it, even though he had to pretend like he was talking to his mother. Then Kelly insisted on talking to me. I think my accent was good enough, and we giggled and cooed for a few minutes and Kelly was satisfied that she was a nice kind person and all was right with the world. It was a lot to go through for a shag, but Tim was really worth it.

When we got back into the intern room, everyone was pissed at Big Stephanie for getting us in trouble so we came up with a plan. The next day when we showed up for work and people asked if we knew we were supposed to work at the Generations denim show, we would all say, "No," so that Stephanie would get in trouble. The plan went off without a hitch, and Emily even cussed Stephanie out across the office for being an incompetent emu boob.

Of course, we all still ended up working at the presentation where the models just stood around in this room with a giant tree made out of recycled newspapers or some shit and the walls were covered in cardboard. In another room, Kelly created a rain fall effect by taking a bunch of Swarovski that her friend George Wayne, the Vanity Fair contributor had swallowed, shat out, and buffed back to a fine polish. One of the models in the room was named Maurice and I was going to have him. Before the show, I started to chat him up and he kept rebuffing me, telling me that there was no way he was going to sleep with some lowly PR girl and then he had the audacity to ask me to go get him a glass of water. What? Oh please, Maurice, better men then you have turned me down, and then to order me around.

Yes, I went to go get him his water, but I also stopped by my purse where I happened to have a spare rufie (don't ask) and slipped it into his drink. Actually, only half because who knows when I might need the rest. "Here you go, Maurice, dear. Enjoy." Of course, 20 minutes into the show, he totally passed out, taking down half of the George Wayne memorial Swarovski crystal curtain. I was hoping that he would have to like there half dead for the entire show, but Kelly is too good for me. She got the paramedics there, took care of Maurice and then got them out before anyone even noticed. One of these days, Kelly, I'm really going to fuck you up, but it appears today was not the day. Just you wait, Kelly. Just you wait.

Openly Gay Man Still Serving in the Military, World Does Not End [Gays Of War]

Richard Lawson — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:03:13 EST

Last we heard of Arabic-speaking National Guardsman Dan Choi, he had been discharged from the army for coming out on Rachel Maddow's MSNBC show. But now it appears the lieutenant has been called back to duty and rejoined his unit.

Choi was scheduled to speak at a National Gay and Lesbian Task Force summit last weekend, but sent regrets that he couldn't attend because he'd been called back up. He sent photos from the barracks, explaining that though he'd been issued discharge orders after a news-making trial, the process has not yet been finalized. So he's back! For now. Choi apparently has the support of his commander, and judging from the photos, he isn't making scared straight soldiers cry and feel ashamed of their naked bodies, nor is he making out with everyone while wearing a fabulous wig. He's just doing army stuff, like carrying a gun and, presumably, shooting it. So, military officially not destroyed.

[Bilerico]

Surgical Procedure Put to Nefarious Use [Scary Things]

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:57:02 EST

Getting laser eye surgery to become a better "street marksman," and other real gangster news.

Diane von Furstenberg — [Pullquote]

Gabriel Snyder — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:39:07 EST

the designer on the sleeping arrangements with her husband, the happy-footed, presumed-gay media mogul Barry Diller, in the upcoming issue of Page Six Magazine.

Science: Yellow Is Nice [Colors]

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:37:45 EST

A new study finds that depressed people generally choose a shade of grey to represent their mood, while healthy people mostly choose yellow. This proves that Harold Ford is healthy! Nice try, John Cook! [Science Daily. Click to enlarge]

RuPaul's Drag Race: Miss Tyra If You Nasty [Recaps]

Richard Lawson — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:33:00 EST

Girrrrrrrrrl. Episode two of RuPaul's beautiful gift from the thin slip of heaven that still remains has come and gone, and we still don't know just what the hell we're watching. But it's OK. We'll watch it anyway.

No offense meant to the Logo network or anything, but is this the lowest-budget television show in the history of television shows? I think Robyn Bird has more to spend each week than this program does. There is a lady on public access in Newton, MA who literally puts kittens on an electric lazy Susan and talks about them as they spin around and around, and I'm pretty sure her budget is slightly higher than the few tarnished shekels that Ru is given every week to put her little carnival together.

But maybe that's kind of intentional? I mean, part of the extremely odd charm of the show — which is equal parts charm and strange sexual menace — is that it looks like it was filmed in some drag queen's basement. Mostly because it was. And you just have like a heap of wigs in the corner and an old Sanyo boombox tinnily playing some old '90s standards (En Vogue! Crystal Waters! Late/Mid-Career Annie Lennox!) and then RuPaul's mom comes down with some laundry and is like "Oh, don't mind me boys. Do you need anything? Ya hungry?" And all the drag queens say, in unison "No thank you, Mrs. Paul." And then a few people smoke some meth and that's the episode. It's all pretty cute. Pretty strange, but pretty cute.

Anyway! This episode was all about hooking. Hooking and stripping. Really! These drag queens adore the working girl, be she diva or disheveled. So in came RuPaul on one of those mechanized stair-chairs (I wish) and she told all them queens that it was time to do a makeover... on a Barbie doll! Well, OK, I don't think it was actually a Mattel product, but it was some sort Barbie-esque figure modeled after RuPaul. There was a sad little pile of fabric and, in teams of two, the girls were to construct a ho outfit for this doll that was created for a very specific subset of adult males. There was a mad scramble of claws and fists and elbows as everyone lunged for the cloth, and then a feverish bout of very serious designing. With hot glue guns and glitter and I think some elbow macaroni and not but a few popsicle sticks.

Seriously guys. One of the challenges on a reality show on television was to just do a doll makeover. A makeover, on a doll. My sister and I used to do that when we were eight and six years old. Chop off the doll's hair and then regret it terribly, because it will never grow back. One time we had one of the black Barbies, Christy I think her name was, and my sister cut her hair sooo well. It looked like Oprah's hair. We were very happy with that. But usually? It comes out gross and sad, and those mangled short-haired dolls become the scorned rejects in whatever story you're imagining for them that day. (But none so scorned as the one we just called Legless, who had, in addition to a terrible haircut, one leg missing. A few years later, her hand was chewed off by the dog and a couple hours later, my mother tells me, there was a lone, grotesque doll hand poking up out of his poop, like someone trying to escape their grave.) Anyway. The point is: This was on a television show last night. Doll makeovers. It's wonderful! But it's also sort of terrible.

In the end only one team could emerge victorious and that was Pandora Boxx and Sahara Davenport (I think?) Though many of the dolls were bashed up, missing teeth and the like, theirs was the worst. They broke that poor plastic bitch's heels and everything. I guess RuPaul appreciates a bashed-up ho. So, good for them.

They then got to be team captains for the next big challenge, which involved stripper poles and burlesque and selling cherry pie coupons on the street. Yes, selling coupons like those kids who'd sign up for those ads in the back of Archie comics or something similar about how to sell oven mitts and steak knives door-to-door in order to win cash or points toward a new Huffy or Nintendo home entertainment system. Except these girls were just selling coupons for cherry pies at some random cafe down the corner. The girls were straight up yelling at people walking down the sidewalk, wrapping themselves unsexily around lampposts, and doing awkward splits. I don't think they sold much cherry pie.

While one team was hoofing it in full drag gear down on the strip, the other ladies were performing an afternoon "burlesque" show at a club. Earlier they'd learned how to do the stripper pole from two "burlesque" performers. Oh and the best part about the stripper poles? They had a sponsor. Ru was like "two poles, courtesy of Paul's Pole Palace" or some shit. Logo, girl, you need to reassess your portfolio if you need a sponsor to pay for two raggedy stripper poles. But anyway. Everyone was pretty into this challenge, because it's fun to pretend to be a hooker or stripper if you're not actually a hooker or stripper, except for one person. Tyra is one of the prettiest queens, but, lady, she is also so nasty. Not like gross nasty. Plain old mean nasty. And lazy. She just stood there while things were sewn for her, choreographed for her, and, uh, poled for her. She wouldn't even take a single lesson from the nice stripper, excuse me burlesque, ladies!

Tyra was also snippy to all the other contestants. I mean, all the contestants are terribly snippy to each other, but Tyra is the worst by far. She know she pretty, she know she young, and that's all that matters I suppose. But I do not like her attitude. She probably won't get voted off any time soon, even though she's mean and lazy (Ru caught her napping!), because she's pretty and, I suppose, provides necessary entertainment value. But if I ever meet her in a dark alley... Well, I'll probably run scared in the other direction.

So after the girls had done their pole routines — writhing and jiggling and stretching and, I'll admit, looking surprisingly competent for the most part — it was time for judgment. I do so love the judging parts because I'm pretty sure the girls are getting made up by professionals, or at least they have better lighting, so they all look wayyy better than they do in the challenges. Plus we get to hear Ru's gonzo color commentary as the girls come strutting down the runway. I can't remember any specifics, but her puns just get weirder and weirder, with stranger and more delightfully strained references. She's like "Oohhh girl! Pandora Boxx is bringin' tulips to Amsterdam tonight, honey!" Or, "Ohhh lawwwd no! Tatianna just signed the Treaty of Versigh with that number!" "The dingo sure didn't eat Raven's baby today, chile!" It's just so weird and terrific. RuPaul should be the voice for so very many things. "Oh heavens girl, put in your damn pin number!" "Your balance is a raggedy three hundred dollars!" "Baby, I think this is 8th Street/NYU, but lady I don't know for sure. Next stop is Prince Street. Heyyyyyyy. Watch them doors, girl!"

My two favorites this week were: 1. Raven. Even though she is a straight up mean old crab, she looks so striking with her eagle-eye makeup and stern, chopped wigcuts. 2. Sonique! I was so surprised by Sonique this... wique. Last episode she didn't stand out at all, but this go around she looked pretty and terrific. All cool beauty and pursed lips. Plus she's definitely the best looking out of drag, so that doesn't hurt.

Alas because she had the second-lowest tips, Raven was forced to Lip-Sync for Her Life, alongside the kind of painfully sad Nicole Paige Brooks. Something about Nicole tells me that she was maybe something of a big, old fish in a small, also old pond? But out in the bigger world, matched up against some 21-year-old thang in a big bubble wig, her skinny minimalism just doesn't do the trick. Plus she barely even seemed to try during the lip-sync. Raven was busting around with funny little bits and moves, while Nicole just sorta stood there and... lip-synced. Snoozer. Understandably, she went home. Which is good. She seemed nice, but her presence was just increasingly awkward. She seemed a little desperate in an unpleasant way. Who knows. At least now she can go back to her son. Yes, son. Again with another son on this show. Curiousssss!

Girl, I think that's it? Huh? What's that Ru?

"Fool, if you wanna make a call, please hang UP the damn phone and try that shit again. And don't fuck it up!"

Thanks, Ru.

Harold Ford, Yellow-Dog Democrat [Color Me Nauseated]

John Cook — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:25:55 EST

Harold Ford may or may not remember where he lives, but he certainly knows when he's home—because his eyes are assaulted by a garish array of yellow and turquoise walls. No wonder he's trying to sell it.

This is Ford's apartment — the precise location of which caused something of a stir last week when Ford was quoted (erroneously, it turns out) as claiming to live a couple blocks from the federal courthouse in lower Manhattan. It's a one-bedroom two-bath Fifth Avenue co-op in Manhattan's Flatiron district, and it could be yours for $1.4 million.

Also, it is extremely, relentlessly yellow. And turquoise.

The apartment has been on the market for 224 days, according to New York magazine's real estate listings, and Ford and his wife Emily Threlkeld recently dropped the price by $90,000. According to New York real estate records, Threlkeld purchased it outright in 2006 with the help of her mother Debra Beard, who happens to be married to former Morgan Stanley chairman Anson Beard. Threlkeld and Ford were married in 2008 and Ford subsequently moved to New York, so the decor can likely be pinned on Threlkeld's vision of what a bachelorette pad should look like.

A rep for Ford had no immediate comment on why he lives in a prison of unrelenting yellow, and how soon he hopes to escape from it.

J.D. Salinger Hated Chris Hitchens, Others (Allegedly) [Feuds]

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:11:39 EST

Greek shipping heir and bizarre social critic Taki Theodoracopulos claims to have a big secret stash of vibrant correspondence from J.D. Salinger. Taki gives the following thumbnail account of Salinger's myriad hated enemies:

"He loathed modern Britain almost as much as I do, and particularly hated what he called phonies like Christopher Hitchens, Martin Amis and, surprisingly, VS Naipaul. In fact he once hinted I should beat Naipaul up, but dropped it after I told him I was a friend of Shiva Naipaul's, as well as of his wife Jenny." Also Taki says he's very concerned about the "publicity" that may come from this, so of course he wrote a column about. Like father, like son.
[Taki Mag]

Lady Gaga Now Shares a Penis with George Washington [Going Gaga]

Brian Moylan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 10:47:20 EST

Beloved hermaphrodite and pop art whosiwhatsit Lady Gaga finally gets the perfect tribute from artist Craig Gleason [NSFW] who is making dollar bills in her likeness. Yes, the medium is definitely the message, even if may be kind of illegal.

Guy Pretty Copacetic about Being Railroaded by Right Wing [Politics]

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 10:40:13 EST

Yosi Sergant is the art publicist who was forced to resign his NEA job after a remark on a conference call about engaging artists with public service became a hysterical right wing talking point. Yosi finally speaks, here. (Not bitter!)

Lady-Slasher's Last Day in New York Senate? [Albany]

Pareene — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 10:25:14 EST

Today, the New York State Senate may (or may not) expel violent lady-slasher Hiram Monserrate. There are extra sergeants-at-arms and state troopers posted inside and outside the chambers, just in case. (They should hide bottles and glassware!)

Monserrate was accused of slashing his girlfriend's face with a broken glass in a jealous rage. But upon her admittance to a hospital, she changed her story, and claimed it was an accident. Monserrate was convicted of a misdemeanor, which meant he was not automatically expelled from the Senate.

So fellow corrupt scumbag state Senator Pedro Espada is introducing a bill that will call for the automatic expulsion of Senators convicted of misdemeanors! He claims it is not a "Monserrate Law," just like laws calling for presidential candidates to provide proof of citizenship are seriously not about secret Kenyan Barack Obama.

But Espada is one of Monserrate's Senate allies, because they're both self-serving assholes. So his bill would not apply retroactively. And he will not vote to expel Monserrate. Even though Monserrate would be expelled if this bill had been law when he was convicted a couple months ago.

Thankfully Espada's bill only covers "serious" misdemeanors involving sex, kids, and violence—otherwise, literally every State Senator would eventually be expelled. Including Espada!

I would say "and that's what's going on in New York poltics today" but honestly that would not even begin to cover it. Shit is weird right now.

The Perils of Technology, Vol. 187 [Wtf]

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 10:13:09 EST

Murdering someone and then using her phone to send text messages to her family saying she is tied up in a basement somewhere in an attempt to throw investigators off track: something that we sincerely hope does not become a trend. [NYP]

Which Singer Can't Stop Reading Blog Posts about Himself? [Blind Items]

Brian Moylan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 09:46:13 EST

He's probably reading this right now. Hi! A director and his star are probably too busy doing each other to click here, and a celeb couple can't be bothered to interrupt their fighting. That's fine. We'll read about them instead.

1. "This musician is a very sensitive soul. Apparently, although he pretends to have a very stoic public persona he is actually obsessed with his public image. He follows every possible blog and article written on him and takes it all very personally. When someone comments on a blog, he reads it. He even takes to commenting himself. He does not take criticism well and does all he can to shift with the wave of public opinion. Although this is difficult to those around him, he has found someone who wants just as much attention as he craves, so it works out pretty well. The only sad thing is, if we, the fans were to tell him we thought he should change in any way, he'd probably do it. Not John Mayer." [BuzzFoto]

2. "This director/producer has an admirable list of credits, and is known as a solid family man. However, there's one aspect of his history that may surprise you. There is a very well-known female actor with whom he is usually credited with helping to make a star. It turns out that the two of them have been carrying on an affair for years. You would have to be really sharp to catch a hint of it in their appearances together, however, as they are both very subtle and very private about it. They'll be working together again soon." [Blind Gossip]

3. "What celebrity couple who are famous for more than just their reality show and their arguments generated about 50 noise complaints over the weekend in Miami. It turns out that the wife was extremely jealous of the time her husband had been spending with this A list model and accused him of having sex with her. Of course the way she put it was much more crude, much more loud and resulted in the couple being advised by the hotel staff the only reason they were not being kicked out of the hotel in the middle of the night was because of their kids who got to witness all of this first hand." [CDaN]

Prosecutors: Bernie Kerik Was a Republican [Criminals]

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 09:44:08 EST

Disgraced former NYPD commissioner Bernie Kerik is about to be sentenced. Prosecutors are asking for a stiff penalty, since he "became a wealthy man by shamelessly exploiting the most horrific civilian tragedy in this nation's history." So...Giuliani's next? [NYT]

"Like, Jason, Where Have You Been? I Killed the Kids or Whatever." [Open Caption]

Richard Lawson — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 09:29:27 EST

[Kristin Cavallari of "The Hills" in classical garb while waiting for her suitcase at LAX; image via Bauer-Griffin]

Nothing's More Satisfying than a New Wal-Mart Racism Scandal [The Workplace]

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 09:18:14 EST

Villainous NASCAR-branded trinket retailer and employer of last resort Wal-Mart is being accused of firing ten African employees in Colorado in order to give their jobs to "local" people (whites). Also, Wal-Mart hates god but loves cigarettes. Allegedly.

According to the NYT, "All 10 complaints also stated that West African workers, who are Muslim, were refused short prayer breaks. White and Hispanic workers, they said, were permitted unscheduled cigarette breaks." Together Wal-Mart and the Marlboro Man will slay the Muslin terrorist "Allah."

Post Uses Paterson's Fight Against Rumor and Innuendo to Spread Rumors, Innuendo [Front Pages]

Ravi Somaiya — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 08:14:06 EST

Do not try and throw mud at the New York Post. You will get dirty. There's still an ominous silence from the broadsheets on the rumored scandal involving Governor Paterson, but the New York tabloids roll up their sleeves.

And the Post either wins the day, if you like gossip, or loses the day, if you like more dignified digging into the politics of the matter, which is what the Daily News do. Elsewhere there's more Toyota, more healthcare and more snow. Except for these interesting tales:

The New York Times reports on John McCain's political expediency.
They also report that kidnapping charges are causing delays in airlifting injured children out of Haiti.
And the LA Times reports on scandal in the tomato industry.

Disclosure: I freelance write and report for newspapers that are included in this roundup. Where there is a direct conflict of interest I will make it clear.

The New York Times: has a piece from Kiev on the Ukrainian election, and a look at the impact of kidnapping cases on the process of airlifting injured children from Haiti. The media revelation that John McCain isn't some kind of Maverick, but is instead a politician, continues with a look at his move to the right to counter a Tea Party talk-show primary competitor. McCain's party, meanwhile, has a plan for healthcare to air at the televised summit later this month. Meanwhile the UN climate panel is under siege by deniers and doubters and New York's old real estate families, cautious in the boom, are doing well now - and might buy Stuy Town. There's also an obit for Congressman John Murtha.

The Washington Post: has two weather stories, here and here, again, and the news that an insurer alerted federal regulators to Toyota's acceleration problem back in 2007. There's an obit for Congressman John Murtha and a look at how the Fed intends to scale back its stimulus.

The LA Times: analyzes the healthcare debate, and reports on a former gang leader's testimony in court. They have a piece from Afghanistan on reducing civilian deaths and a nice look at one of the few industries that still thrives in Haiti. The spectacularly named PJ Huffstutter writes about scandal in the tomato industry. Because what else would he write about, with a name like that?

The Wall Street Journal: have the news that the Dow tumbled and that Fannie and Freddie are still struggling. As if to underline the systemic flaws where politics and finance intersect, they also have an investigation into some alleged impropriety in New Jersey, where a senator asked that a bank be saved without disclosing campaign contributions from the chairman and vice-chairman. The fluffy feature today is about roadside art in Kansas.

The New York Post: have quite an implication in their headline. And even more innuendo in the story — which is, paradoxically, about Governor Paterson rebutting implications and innuendos.

The Daily News: is either more scrupulous, or less good at digging up dirt on Paterson than the Post.

Times-Union (Albany): no mention at all, from the local Albany paper, of Paterson's woes.

AM New York: but AM NY weigh in with a comedy cover.

David Paterson Fights Back Against Non-Existent Story [Denials]

Ravi Somaiya — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 07:00:02 EST

The New York Governor gave an interview to the Associated Press specifically to rebut "callous and sleazy" rumors based on an upcoming profile that may or may not reveal (more) sexual shenanigans at the statehouse.

"For the last couple of weeks," he said of talk surrounding an impending New York Times story, "I have been the subject of what, even by Albany standards, has been a spate of outrageous rumors about me." (A spokesperson for the governor was equally defiant when we asked about the story on Sunday.)

He specifically rebutted New York Post claims that a State Trooper walked in on some naughtiness in a closet at the governors mansion and that he was nuzzling with a lady who was not his wife in a steakhouse. Paterson insisted that he'd been faithful to his wife for a decade and added, intriguingly, that he had not taken drugs since his early 20s. He also said that the sexy closet in mentioned in the Post story did not exist. To which the paper's editor Col Allan responded, reasonably, that the mansion must have closets.

Perhaps upset by this battle over storage areas, the Post take the opportunity to air a bunch more rumors in reporting the rebuttal. They mention "unsubstantiated" tale that Paterson was late arriving at the scene of the air crash in Buffalo last year because he was entangled elsewhere, and that the Times has reportedly been talking to "the jilted ex-lover of Paterson staffer and confidant David Johnson."

Paterson has also met with the New York Times editorial board, and apparently plans to meet with editors and reporters there today "in hopes of heading off a damaging story," according to the Post.

Jimmy Kimmel Never Called Sarah Silverman Pretty, and Now He Will Pay [Gossip Roundup]

Maureen O'Connor — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 06:39:17 EST

Sarah Silverman unleashes the rage of a thousand indignant female fans on an ex-boyfriend. Brangelina sues News of the World for the break-up rumor. I hereby nominate Kevin Federline to date Kate Gosselin. Tuesday gossip just wants to be loved.

Exes are generally not to be trusted, but these underhanded jabs are too good to pass up: Sarah Silverman says Jimmy Kimmel never told her she was pretty, a comment begging to be brought up in every women's magazine she does from here to the end of time. Sarah's new boyfriend, Family Guy producer/writer Alec Sulkin is "the first guy in a decade who's given me any kind of compliment, like saying I'm pretty or anything." She adds, "Usually I like pudgy, macho-ish guys. But I think I mistook macho-ish for strong, emotionally. And I think it's really the opposite." Hear that, Jimmy? You're a fat crybaby, too. [Popeater]
Brangelina are suing News of the World for those break-up rumors. Explaining the damages, Brangelina's lawyer explained that the rumors were "widely republished by mainstream news outlets." They dotted the exclamation point with a public kiss at the Super Bowl. [BBC] [JJ]
Playboy shareholders are suing Hugh Hefner for being too much a playboy. The lawsuit includes a consulting firm's assessment: "We think the wildcard here is Hugh Hefner... If you were Hugh Hefner, 81, would you give up the parade of busty blonds, the fancy mansion and the reality TV show for a payout?" Silicone breasts, meet cold, dead heads. [TMZ]
New details from Jennifer Aniston's Cabo San Lucas birthday celebration: 50 Jen friends, including Gerard Butler, came to One & Only Palmilla resort, where Jen is staying for $9000 a night in a one-bedroom villa with a staff of 12, including two butlers and a chef. There's a private spa, infinity pool, "an outdoor rain shower and day beds" so Gerard will have somewhere to stay when he pretends to be sleeping with Jen. Sheryl Crow and Courteney Cox are there, and everyone's drinking margaritas and eating guac. [P6]
"Rapper Nelly took a punch trying to break up a brawl between his bodyguards and bouncers." This is precisely the opposite of what people in those two career fields are supposed to do. [P6]
When Britney Spears arrived at the UCLA Medical Center's Mattel Children's Hospital emergency room, her publicist issued a statement: "Everything is fine. Britney is there for an annual physical." Like her mental and emotional states, Britney's health froze during her teen years. Why else see a pediatrician at the age of 28, after bearing two children of your own? [X17] [E!]
Diane von Furstenberg on rough patches with billionaire husband of contested sexuality Barry Diller: "I did leave him, and I went with other men, but they always ended up being jealous of Barry." [P6]
Gossip Girl costars Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr: Not broken up, according to their tongues, which spent Maxim's Super Bowl party intertwined. [P6]
Rachel Uchitel gave a hard-hitting interview to Saved By the Bell's A.C. Slater, and revealed that she went to the Gossip Girl high school. She mistakenly says it is also "the Mean Girls high school," but that was set in suburban Chicago, not New York. At that point and in a huff, I quit watching, but if any of you can handle the boring terror that is Uchi Cuchi Coo smirking nervously at Mario Lopez, let us know if she says anything interesting. [Extra]
Kate Gosselin and her hair wrote a new book. I Just Want You to Know: Letters to My Kids on Love, Faith and Family features an unrecognizably young, soft-looking woman on its cover. [fig.1] [People] [Amazon]
K-Fed says he'd "definitely" marry again. Ladies, start your engines. [People]

Figure 1.

The End of the World is Nigh [Huffington Sachs]

Ravi Somaiya — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 06:27:35 EST

Goldman Sachs' disdainful mouthpiece, Lucas Van Praag, is blogging for the Huffington Post. We know he's 'head of communications' but there are limits. What's wrong with throwing an illuminated manuscript out of a sedan chair for the poors?

Van Praag, to be fair, is being his usual withering self in pushing back on the assertions in a New York Times article from Sunday on Goldman Sachs' relationship with AIG. But still.

[Pic via]

Bonuses of a Bad Economy [Hooray For Hollywood]

Ravi Somaiya — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 05:40:23 EST

Luxury condos will not be built directly behind the Hollywood sign. Two years ago a developer wanted $22 million to ruin the LA icon. Today, because the market crashed, a conservation group got an option for $12 million. [AP]

Joe Rogan Video Ambushes Locker Room Perv Who Spies on His Penis [VideUhOh]

Maureen O'Connor — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 05:17:49 EST

I don't know what's grosser here: The gleeful pervert grinning at ultimate fighter and former Fear Factor host Joe Rogan, or that Joe uses a soundtrack of pig snorts, whips, and the phrase "Ride 'em cowboy" for this video.

Actor turned action figure Rogan has had trouble drawing boundaries with his adoring public before, which perhaps explains why what could have been a satisfying pervert takedown in the manner of this, this, or this ended up as uncomfortable for the viewer as for the perved-upon star. Maybe it's because Rogan and his friends are kind of scary. Plus, sexually harassing ultimate fighters in their place of violence seems dangerous. So perv kid, if you're out there: Get a sense of shame, get a sense of clear and present danger, and get your porn on the internet like everybody else. [TotalProSports]

When Puppy Love Is Better than the Touch of a Man (or Woman) [Be Mine]

Maureen O'Connor — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 04:31:24 EST

Twenty-seven percent of American adults would rather spend Valentine's Day with a pet than a human partner. To those of you who just thought the unspeakable: You disgust me. [NYP]

The Prop 8 Judge Is Gay, and It Doesn't Matter [Outing]

Maureen O'Connor — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 02:48:23 EST

Once upon a time, gay activists hated Vaughn Walker for legally squashing the Gay Olympics. But this weekend The San Francisco Chronicle definitively revealed that the Prop. 8 judge is gay.

Judge Walker's sexual identity has overlapped with his public life before. Appointed to the bench by the first President Bush in 1989, he spent his early career battling the perception that he was anti-gay after he represented the U.S. Olympic Committee in a trademark infringement battle with San Francisco's Gay Olympics. Nancy Pelosi accused him of "insensitivity." (Putting a lien on the Gay Olympics' AIDS-ravaged leader during the man's dying days didn't help.) Walker had "no comment" on Chronicle political gossip duo Matier and Ross' question about his sexuality, but did note that "Life is full of irony" when they brought up the Gay Olympics debacle. Matier and Ross' headline is both report and conclusion: "Judge Being Gay a Nonissue During Prop. 8 Trial."

It'd be cool if the relative quiet on Walker's orientation was because America recognized that Judge Walker's sex life doesn't affect his job. (Minimal MSM and right-wing pickup so far.) As SF Weekly points out, even calling the Chronicle's article an "outing" is misleading: Walker never tried to hide his orientation, and it's pretty common for judges to keep their personal lives away from the spotlight.

A funnier explanation for the relative quiet—that the right-wing bullies who usually drive a story like this forward simply don't read the San Francisco Chronicle or gay blogs like Queerty, which has been reporting this story for months—is perhaps slowed the Breitbartian bullhorns, too. Recall that six months ago right-wingers feared Sonia Sotomayor incapable of fairly judging white men. When it comes to minority judges, plenty of people are still idiots. Hard-right hangouts like The Corner are just warming up, so the wingnut freak-out machine may fly into action yet.

The most cynical guess would be that the right measured the risks and calculated that luck of the draw (which is how the Prop. 8 trial landed in Walker's courtroom) is still in their favor. Here's why:

A Republican appointment, Walker is believed to lean conservative, albeit by way of libertarianism, which could make him gay-friendlier.
Almost everyone agrees that, after 21 years on the bench, Walker is fair. There is no reason to believe he'd change now—if anything, the Gay Olympics debacle demonstrated an imperviousness to public pressure. (And resisting the urge to scream But I am one in Nancy Pelosi's face was probably hard.)
If he rules against Prop. 8, the homophobes will have their big, nasty appeal primed and ready.

Lest there be any doubt: Judge Walker's sexuality is irrelevant. Assuming gay judges always side with other gays (or "Wise Latinas" with other Latinas) is a flawed logic that assumes neutrality lies with heterosexuals (or whites, or males). Sexuality and identity are inescapable; you could just as easily argue that a straight judge will be biased because all straights secretly fear gays. Or that a straight judge with a gay child would be the most biased. The rabbit hole of identity-based speculation is infinite (What if Walker is self-hating? What if he overcompensates? What if one of the lawyers looks like his ex-boyfriend who was a jerk, and he can't judge fairly because he hates that guy's face so much?) and pointless. We routinely ask judges to place the law above politics and emotion. As Queerty elegantly states, "Immutable characteristics do not disqualify a person from exercising justice."

Also, if you write a law that so offends an entire class of people that you cannot trust them ever to discuss it fairly, then perhaps there is something wrong with your law.

SF Chron: Being Gay a Nonissue During Prop. 8 Trial
SF Weekly: Chron Hardly 'Outed' Judge Vaughn Walker
Above the Law: Prop 8 Judge May be Gay: Does It Matter?
WSJ Law Blog: Prop. 8 Judge Reported Gay: What to Make of That?
SF Chron: Editorial: Gay Judge Has Proven Record of Impartiality
Queerty: Remember When the Gays Hated Prop 8 Judge Vaughn Waker?
[Pic via]

Katherine Heigl Rescues Film from Reese Witherspoon's Shriveled Grasp [Trade Roundup]

Adrian Chen — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 02:45:50 EST

It's Blonde on Blonde as Katherine Heigl revives an abandoned Reese Witherspoon project. Rachel Weisz is in a spooky murder film. Howard Stern really is in talks to judge American Idol. God help us all, it's the Trade Roundup.

•When her hair is dyed that color, Katherine Heigl is one of America's most popular blonds as long as Sandra Bullock hasn't dyed her hair that color, too. Proof: Heigl's interest in a long-dormant film has brought it back from the brink. Long ago, Columbia's One for the Money was to be an adaptation of the Janet Evanovich novel of the same name. It would star Reese Witherspoon. However, The project languished until Katherine Heigl expressed interest. Now, Columbia and Lakeshore Pictures have revived the project, and Katherine Heigl can add "Lazarus" to her IMDB page. [Variety]

•The rights to the Terminator series have been sold to the hedge fund Pacificor for $29.5 million. This after a lengthy bidding session that pitted Pacificor against Sony Pictures and Lionsgate. According to Deadline, Sony and Lionsgate dropped out after it became clear that Pacificor was "willing to pay almost any amount of money for Terminator." Well, they certainly paid an amount of money! [Deadline]

•Contrary to reports in our own gossip roundup, Howard Stern is in talks to replace Simon Cowell in American Idol. He confirmed today on his filthy radio show that he is in talks with Fox to say mean things to AI contestants. Said Stern: "There's not a better job on the planet than judging that fucking karaoke contest." This is true, but only because their are no jobs. [TheWrap]

•Peter Bogdanovich has been pretty quiet since 2001's The Cat's Meow. Now he's signed on to write and direct an adaptation of Kurt Andersen's 1999 novel Turn of the Century. The film "follows the MacTiers, a Manhattan power couple with three kids who are managing their troubled marriage in a world where BarbieWorld has opened in Vegas and Charles Manson's parole hearing is live on TV." Sounds zeitgeisty! [THR]

•The Cove has some beef with Japan. The documentary slams the international dolphin trade based there. Now, a Japanese distributor has made the controversial move of putting out the dolphin-loving film in the country which is cool with killing dolphins. [TheWrap]

•24 is becoming a movie, finally. Billy Ray (State of Play, Flightplan) will write the script. Kiefer Sutherland will of course star in the film, which sends Jack Bauer to Europe. All this is complicated by the fact that the show's run on Fox could be ending this year. And the fact that torturing terrorists in the name of democracy has fallen out of fashion. [Variety]

•Want to see another comeback spun into a reality show? Faith Evans is starring in an upcoming reality show which will document her return to the smoove world of R&B. [Variety]

Secrets of The New York Times' Most-Emailed List, Revealed [Infographics]

Adrian Chen — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 00:38:27 EST

Ever since Andrew Wiles solved Fermat's Last Theorem, the greatest intellectual puzzle facing humankind has been: How does The New York Times' "Most-emailed" list work? Science has finally given us the answer!

A team of sociologists at the University of Pennsylvania undertook an exhaustive study of the New York Times most-emailed list. They first assembled a data set based on the contents of the list over more than six months. Then they dug in to see why stories ended up there. Thus they unlocked the secret of journalism's holy grail—and perhaps even of virality itself.

Their findings, as reported by the Times' John Tierney, are a mix of the totally obvious and the Slate-y counter-intuitive. The obvious: A prominently-featured article is more likely to make the list, as is one written by a famous person. Slightly more surprising is the fact that longer articles were more e-mail-worthy.

But the most fascinating findings are also the most useful for anyone hoping to make it on the only list that matters, journalism-wise. (Apparently, it is not as easy as compiling a list of the top-ten things your babies play with that have lead in them.) Using complicated math, researchers identified four qualities of an article which resonate with the 'email-this' part of readers' brains. Most-emailed articles are:

Awe-inspiring: Being 'awe-inspiring' was the quality which most improved an item's odds of making the list. These articles blow readers' minds by dealing with something physically or intellectually enormous—a natural wonder, a work of art, a big idea, the indomitable human spirit, etc. People like to share awe-inspiring New York Times articles at lunch so they can forget their own puniness long enough to finish the workday. (Example articles: "Fury of Girl's Fists Lifts Up North Korean Refugee" and "The Promise and Power of RNA.")
Emotional: If you want to convince a reader to hit the 'email this article' button, try tugging on their heart-strings with a weepy tale of struggle or redemption. Soon, their offspring will be deleting yet another email from Mom with the subject "You HAVE to read this article. SO SAD!". (Example: "Redefining Depression as Mere Sadness.")
Positive:"If it bleeds it leads"—the old newspaperman's cliche—did not hold up under our researchers' critical gaze. People like to share happy things, apparently. (Example: "Wide-Eyed New Arrivals Falling in Love With the City")
Surprising: Unsurprisingly, people like to share articles that are surprising. Think, things that make you go "woah." (i.e. a story about chickens in Harlem, or a marathon-running restaurateur.)

Using these four variables, we have visually dissected the top five most e-mailed Times articles as of 11pm, Feb. 9th, 2010. Study them, for they hold the secret to Internet immortality:

1. America is not Yet Lost
2. Sinatra Song Often Strikes Deadly Chord
2. The New Math on Campus
4. Have Faith in Love
5. For Students at Risk, Early College Proves a Draw

Jay Leno on His Late Show Super Bowl Promo: 'A Good Joke Is a Good Joke' [Late Night Wars]

Adrian Chen — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 22:24:50 EST

You've read about the Cold War-level skulduggery that went into keeping that Letterman/Leno/Oprah Late Show promo secret in the days before the Super Bowl. Tonight, Jay Leno gave his side of the story on his show.

It was nothing that we didn't already know: Dave's producer called up Jay's producer and asked if Jay would want to be in the spot. Jay said yes and the two recorded the ad in a super-secret shoot with Oprah last week.

Some have wondered what Leno could possibly have to gain from appearing in a spot for his soon-to-be rival (again). Tonight, Leno spun the ad as a very public move to clear the air of any leftover fog of Late Night War in advance of his move back to The Tonight Show:

I walk in and I see Dave, and he puts out his hand and we shake hands. And you know, whatever happened for the last 18 years disappeared. It was great to see my old friend again. It was wonderful—he was very gracious, we talked about the old days, we told some jokes... you know, it was really good to see him.

But if the Late Night Wars spectacular ratings boost are any guide, Leno should be throwing darts at a picture of Dave's face right about now.

Incoming! [Snowmageddon]

Adrian Chen — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 21:57:03 EST

Granted, New York is way better prepared for this than DC. And, granted, it's only 6-12 inches. But still: SNOWMAGEDDON 2010: NYC EDITION! Forecasters are now predicting up to a foot of snow in the city on Wednesday. [CBS 2]

Now Is the Time to Tune Into Venezuelan Radio [Dictator Style]

Adrian Chen — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:31:39 EST

You can always count on Venezuelan dictator-president Hugo Chavez to say something stupid. Last month, for example, he claimed a U.S. weapons test caused the Haiti earthquake. Now he's launching a radio program to be broadcast whenever he wants!

The AP reports that Chavez launched the program—Suddenly, With Chavez—today on state-run Venezuelan National Radio. The show "doesn't have a schedule and can be aired at any moment." Which means you all should tune in right now so you don't miss any of the highly entertaining rhetoric that spills from Chavez's mouth all the time.

Here are some of our favorite funny things Hugo Chavez has said:

"The devil came here yesterday," Chavez said, referring to Bush, who addressed the world body during its annual meeting Tuesday. "And it smells of sulfur still today." [CNN]
"Hey, Obama has just nationalized nothing more and nothing less than General Motors. Comrade Obama! Fidel, careful or we are going to end up to his right," [Reuters]
"Remember, little girl, I'm like the thorn tree that flowers on the plain. I waft my scent to passers-by and prick he who shakes me. Don't mess with me, Condoleezza. Don't mess with me, girl." [BBC]
"The imperialist, genocidal, fascist attitude of the US president has no limits. I think Hitler would be like a suckling baby next to George W Bush." [BBC]
Can't wait!

Google's One of the Few Things in the World That Can Still Scare Lindsay Lohan [Twitterati]

Ryan Tate — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:24:26 EST

The Huffington Post looked for suckers in a target-rich environment; Lindsay Robertson offered a shocking new David Paterson rumor; and Lindsay Lohan is frightened by Google. The Twitterati hated the players and the game.

Lindsay Lohan tried to imagine a world in which she had no privacy, in which her every move was digitally recorded and transmitted to strangers, and in which everyone else knew she hadn't read the news since 2006. So scary.

The Huffington Post's tech editor wondered whether MacWorld Expo has attracted any technology bloggers eager to sacrifice their own time and money to help enrich an abusive, authoritarian leader who holds them in disdain. Not sure where he's going to find someone like that at an Apple event (*cough*).

New York's Lindsay Robertson decided to have fun with the "David Paterson innuendo" newsmeme. Now somebody just has to tie Furry David Paterson to the sheep-demon ad.

Pro tip for Perez Hilton: Try and find a ghostwriter who has some knowledge of celebrity gossip, and a working memory of some portions of the year 2008. Or maybe write your own tweets? LOL, kidding, LOVEYOUxoxox.

New York Times writer Brian Stelter thinks this might be a parody of "the NYT Coffee Guy" rather than the real thing. We think it might be a sporadic but comforting reminder that there is still some nice things about being a Times writer.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

'Unintentional' Daily Beast Plagiarist Did It Four Other Times [Scandal]

Ryan Tate — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 19:29:49 EST

The Daily Beast writer who confessed Friday to "unintentionally" lifting several sentences from a Miami Herald article also copied passages on four other occasions, as far back as July 2009. And now he's taking a "time out" from the Beast.

On Friday, it looked like writer Gerald Posner had his minor plagiarism scandal under control. Slate's Jack Shafer busted him for one case of copying, but Posner claimed it was accidental and his editors said he would keep working. Now Shafer has three more examples of Posner stealing from the Herald, plus one involving Texas Lawyer, and Posner writes he's been suspended. He blogged: "I now realize that a method of compiling information that I have used successfully since 1984... obviously does not work... at the warp speed of the Net." Or under the bright light of Google.

(Pic: Posner's Facebook)

Comments of the Day: New Ways to Ignore Things [We Read You]

Richard Lawson — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 18:28:00 EST

Mondays are the worst. Everyone hates them and you hate everyone when it is Monday. Luckily we have you, our loyal and would-totally-kill-for-us-if-we-asked-you-nicely commentariat. Here, recognition junkies: Two of our favorite comments from this terrible, terrible Monday.

Steve Jobs is so angry about Twitter and iPads and things. Commenter grubish1 is sort of angry at Steve Jobs:

Apple is completely revolutionizing the way Americans ignore tablet computers.

You know what else everyone hates? Valemtime's Deigh. Except now we're not allowed to hate it anymore. So if we have to do it, at least we can have dirty relations, right BeenGay?

So that's that! Hope you're all happy. See you Tuesday! Which is tomorrow. Sigh.

Launch Party [Pic Of The Day]

Brian Moylan — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 18:00:00 EST

[People gather in Florida early this morning to catch a glimpse of the space shuttle Endeavor taking off in NASA's last planned night launch. Image via NASA]

Google's Chief of Fabulous Opens a Disco — In His Penthouse [Herogram]

Ryan Tate — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:45:01 EST

We couldn't persuade Orkut Büyükkökten to invite us to his opulent birthday-and-housewarmingparty Saturday, but we won't hold it against him. After all, Google's ambassador to the gay party scene had to fit several billionaires between his new dance poles.

Orkut, in case you've forgotten, is by far the most interesting person to work for the Mountain View, California internet company, where the technical skills are valued over all else, resulting in a (mostly) boring army of engineer droids. Orkut's the fun exception.

Sure, the Turkish programmer built Google's also-ran social network, Orkut, a.k.a. "The Facebook of Brazil." But more importantly, the San Francisco partyboy also hired strippers for his previous too-hot-for-the-Web birthday party; been gay-married by his Vogue-errific best friend Marissa Mayer; attended the opening of the local Prada; wore a fabulous sheening suit to the ballet; and is good at making everyone get dressed up and disco.

The Silicon Valley tech scene needs more of this sort of acting out, and the Valley scenesters would seem to agree: We hear Orkut's Saturday party was packed with what techies (inaccurately) call "A Listers," including billionaire Google founder Sergey Brin and very very rich person Mayer (who threw a party of her own the following day, of the Superbowl sort). Here's how one attendee put it:

According to public records of Orkut's holdings, that ten-story-high apartment building would be a posh renovated warehouse at 410 Jessie Street, on San Francisco's newly-remade Mint Plaza. That's directly across the street from the San Francisco Chronicle, the newspaper whose misfortunes some have blamed on none other than... Google.

But Orkut's guests didn't come to dance on graves. The disco-lover installed a raised dance floor, complete with poles and special lights, in his two-level penthouse, according to a source with knowledge of the place. There's also some sort of indoor waterfall, we hear. (Orkut declined to discuss his apartment or party on the phone and never sent a promised email reply.)

Pictures from the latest shindig are, alas, few and far between. Despite his direct financial interest in social networking and the free flow of information online, Orkut banned any network distribution of images from his party. we're told. Irony, that. Anyway, in the photo gallery we've mixed in pictures from an apparent pre-party in January as well as of a similar party at a different location last year. Do send us more pics if you have them. We're happy to disseminate the information Googlers refuse to spread themselves.

Apparently from Saturday's event, via friend Jen Liu's Facebook album "house warming & birthday party," uploaded 16 hours ago.

One of the dance poles going up, from a January picture of "orkut's party," again via Liu.

The dance floor again? Again from Liu's "orkut's party" album, January.

Liu and Orkut, ibid.

Orkut at a party in Jan. 2009. Via Facebook.

Orkut, center, with boyfriend Derek Holbrook, right, at a Jan. 2009 party.

Orkut at a Jan. 2009 party.

Quick trip to Brazil via private jet, anyone?

At Burning Man 2009.

What's in #tips Today? [Tiplist]

Gabriel Snyder — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:33:17 EST

Today on the #tips page: A philosophical quandary over sexy avatar pics, Stephen Fry talks about the Catholic Church, and Drudge headlines to make you go "ugh." On #crosstalk: everyone's got Paterson bombshell fever.

The Lone Scout wonders if it's appropriate to mention how sexxxy a comment avatar looks. Why not discuss over at #crosstalk?
Dr. Nick posted the news that Michael Jackson's doctor is going to be charged with manslaughter.
therewillcomesoftrains points to a video of Stephen Fry discussing the Catholic Church. Sounds like it's worth watching.
Fuzzy Dunlop is exasperated that Drudge won't cut Obama break, including on his Super Bowl pick.
Solomon Grundy says Ben Whishaw is giving a talk tonight. If you hurry, you might make it!
momof3wildkids spotted a satellite image of the Snowpocalypse from Space. Click through to her post to see a larger version. Related: in the great Snowmaggedon vs. Snowpocalypse debate, I'm solidly Snowpocalypse.

You can leave us tips, links, news, story ideas, pictures, whatever on the #tips page by using the "Share" box on the front page and including the hashtag #tips. If you'd prefer, you can also send a confidential email to tips@gawker.com or call our tipline at 646-214-8138.

The Teabaggers Are Just College Protesters with More Tricorner Hats [Shut Up, America]

Pareene — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:25:16 EST

With the Tea Party convention having just ended and with organizers already planning another one for this summer (in Vegas maybe!), it is time to cast judgment on the movement: these guys are old right-wing college activists.

Like remember when a bunch of NYU kids locked themselves in the food court to protest NYU's financial chicanery and also the Israeli occupation of Gaza? And then some more established campus activist groups basically said they didn't have any idea this shit was going to happen and lots of other people who sympathized with them politically found them terribly embarrassing?

That is basically the Teabagger Movement. First they were theoretically against bank bailouts, but now they are opposed to Kenyan Socialists who Hate America. They are not just taking back NYU, they are taking back all of America!

This is a problem with our limited, mediated, comic strip version of "history:" people have decided that the way to seize control of your own life and this crazy world is to go all 1960s, like you have seen in a movie. Many of these Tea Party people are actually old enough to have lived through the '60s, but they weren't on the fun side. Ben McGrath's New Yorker story on the movement had this fascinating little moment with a local Kentucky teabagger:

Don Seely invited me to his house for coffee the day after the rally at the Kentucky fairgrounds, and showed me his Air Force Commendation Medal, awarded for meritorious service from 1967 to 1971. "At this age, I was so ignorant," he said. "Every once in a while, you'd catch a glimpse on TV of Martin Luther King-all that kind of stuff was going on. I graduated college in December of '66. About a year after I left, that's when all the riots happened. I'm thinking, What is going on?" Seely had always wanted to be a pilot, but, because of poor eyesight, he ended up an engineer in a satellite-control facility. The medal was accompanied by a photograph of Seely in his captain's uniform, and he said that Amber, after looking at the image, had proclaimed that he was the only person she knew who'd kept the same hair style for nearly fifty years: short, straight, and parted neatly on the far right.

Yeesh. And guess what: his daughter goes to the New School. The New School!

It is totally fun to be a part of a big movement, and to convince yourself that this big movement you are a part of is not only morally right, but also secretly incredibly popular. You have to be attacked and beset on all sides by shadowy powerful interests—Soros, corporations, the political elite, ACORN—but that just makes you feel even cooler.

And when you're showered with attention for your work, you start to believe your own hype. The ratio of media to tea party convention attendees was like 1 to 3. 200 members of the media arrived to cover a convention half the size of Daily Kos' first convention in 2006. The steep cost of attending made the conventioneers richer, and thus calmer, than the angry folks who showed up for the protests with the crazy signs that we all remember so well.

While some in the movement acknowledge the debt they owe to true '60s radicals (the only reason you hear so much about Obama's supposed affinity for Alinsky on the right is because the activist arm of the movement is explicitly copying his tactics), the majority of the new populist conservstives adopt a '60s protest strategy while claiming to be Tea Partiers (and comparing themselves to the Founders when they are, in fact, a bit more like those white populist Jacksonians)—like a campus activist might compare himself to a Freedom Rider rather than just another sad rich kid.

The great irony is that entitled young Campus Activists tend to "grow up" and get jobs supporting the post-industrial capitalist superstructure, while these are people who've turned to juvenile attention-craving '60s-aping dress-up parties as putative adults.

But let them have their fun! Student protests are always destroyed by forces both outside and, more often, internal. This white populist movement has received far more coverage than its actual size merits (60,000 people on the Mall is, what, the Halloween parade?), and as whatever grassroots, populist elements of the movement that remain are fully co-opted by the actual Republican Party (and the US Chamber of Commerce, the nation's most influential political party) they'll find themselves just as disillusioned with the process as a sophomore who just go this first taste of tear gas.