Gawker: Defamer

Real World Cancun: Please Don't Spit In My Taco

Richard Lawson — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 14:01:00 EDT

Oh, Mexico. Land of sand and ruins. Place of history and blood. Of vines and mountains. Mexico: where you can get drunk at a laser lightshow nightclub and then spit in your roommate's taco and no one bats an eyelash.

Yes, the Real World: Cancun had its first obligatory The Roommates Who Hate Each Other/The Roommates Who Fuck Each Other episode last night, and it just sort of farted into existence, all quiet and smelly, as if MTV was splayed out on the neighboring bed, our hotel room ruined, that cruel beach sun slanting in through the curtains, reminding us that day has arrived but our hangovers have not left. These kids are just sort of dull, the half-baked sorta people you'd see on a show like Fear Factor where personality doesn't matter. You just have to be trashy and scrappy and thoughtless. And these kids have that in spades!

So the two couples were:

Those That Hate
Swoony rockerbilly Joey likes to antagonize girls because he's a little pissant punk-wannabe with that kind of sitting-at-the-back-of-the-class bravado that's, oh you know, catnip to some of us. The girl he most likes to antagonize, because she is ridiculous, is Ayiiiiiia. They fight about basically everything. She walks around like she owns the place, he has mysterious herpes on his lip, he says mean sarcastic things to her, she yells about cigarettes, and then he spits in her taco. Yes m'am JoJo done up and spit in that girl's damn taco when they had been out there after the club tryin' to get theyselves some food. This was in retaliation for Ayiiiiiia running down the street and shrieking "Herpes on your lip! Herpes on your lip! You've got herpes on your lip!" It actually turned into a little song and I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pot and a wooden spoon and paraded around the house banging them together, as if Ramona Quimby were a sad lonely 26-year-old in Brooklyn, sing-chanting "Herpes on your lip! Herpes on your lip! Everybody's got herpes on their lip!" It was a fun song, and a fun moment, until my roommate came up and spit in my taco. Well, I actually didn't have a taco and she didn't spit, but she did give me a withering look that seemed to say Only one more month..., but on the show Joey did, in fact, spit in the lady's taco. So that started a whole clusterkaduddle and everybody was yelling and Fuckface from UMass got involved and started getting upset.

So the girls were out on the balcony complaining about Joey and eating the tacos that had not been spit on. Those bitches really wanted some tacos. I mean, that's commitment. Inside the other roommates were just unsure what to do. Hilariously, the girl from Cadillac Stevens' Foodhut, Jonna, was sitting on a couch-bed eating rolls of ham of cheese. Like taking deli-sliced meats and deli-sliced cheeses and rolling them up into little cylinders and eating them. It was very funny because we've all been there, or at least I have. Points to you, Jonna. So everyone was confused and eating ham and cheese and Joey still wasn't done being in attack mode so he strode out onto the veranda playing a song called "Nobody Cares About Your Spit Taco" and the girls got so mad that they threw water at him and some of the water went into his guitar. His thousand-dollar guitar that is partly electric and now it's ruined. So Joey went to another balcony and cried and Derek the Gay tried valiantly to take advantage of him in his time of need (someday, Derek! believe in yourself!) and everyone was sad. Well, the girls didn't care. Ayiiiiia thought it was funny. Because Ayiiiiiia is annoying. I think I hear Joe Rogan calling, m'dear. Go be on that show.

Anyway, eventually the next day or whatever Joey apologized to Fuckface and she was all "Aw, I love everyone," and then later he took a walk with Ayiiiiiia and they brokered a tentative peace accord. Derek unzipped his fly and unleashed the doves from his pants and there they fluttered and flapped, into the silver-streaked azure sky, looking like souls should look, dancing. Then they decided it would be funny to pretend for the other roommates that they'd just gotten in another fight and she'd hit him so they ran back home and put on a show where Joey raged and Ayiiiiia threw things and all the other roommates were like "Ohhh, she's going home" and hilariously no one seemed to be unhappy about that but then oh ha ha, Ayiiiia and JoJo gave each other a hug and the roommates said "Aww, we're friends again!" and Derek unzipped his pants and instead of releasing more doves he just looked plaintively and expectantly at Joey, though he looked in vain. Everyone just sort of cleared their throats and said, OK, yeah, and slowly walked out of the room and Derek stood there alone, bare feet on the cold marble, a clock ticking off in some other room.

Those That Mate
Binky and Jonna are in love. Binky and Jonna are in love but there's nothing they can do about it because Jonna has a boyfriend back home in Sunstain, AZ and she's so loyal to him. She's so loyal to him that when she's grind dancing and spooning in a hammock and gratuitously hugging and talking about making out with Binky, all her thoughts are on her boyfriend. Every one of them. Every thought other than Man I want to fuck this roommate, every single other one, is about the boyfriend. Binky is upset because he broke up with his lady, and c'mon it's Can-fuckin'-cun, let's partay down. Invested in this whole lovers' duet more than more than the actual lovers is creepy Bronne. Creepy Bronne looooves to call Binky "the Heartthrob" and he's always smirking and leering while Binky and Jonna dance or flirt or dry hump in a vestibule, staring right at them, with intense bleary eyes. He's a creeper. At one point when Binks and Jinx were spooning in the hammock Bronne walked out wearing a wig and tapped out Jinkies and got next to Binky and Binks, thinking it was Jinx, pulled him in close and said "Mmmm..." You'd think that would be one of the stupid things I make up to entertain myself while writing these things, but it's not! It actually happened! Bronne walked out wearing a Jonna wig and spooned with Binky. He will murder someone. And he will murder them hard.

Anyway, at the clurrrb Binky tried to kiss Jonna on the mouth-hole and she was all "Nunh unh!" and later she called her boyfriend and said "Why would you think that I want to be with anyone else?" while her foot massaged Binky's crotch and she sat there naked drawing an arrow on her tummy that pointed down to her unmentionables.

So, they're totally gonna do it.

All Those Other Things That They've Done
Oh, and, they got their jobs! Yeah yeah yeah! They'll be working for Student City, an underground luxury travel agency for sex tourists and date rapists. They met their boss, the dimwitted Christina, and she told them the rules. And the Rules, my friends? The Rules are pretty goddamned strict. The Rules are:

- No drinking in front of clients.
- No sexing the clients.
- No smoking near clients.
- If you murder a client, make sure you dispose of the body in a manner befitting Student City's new Go Greeen! initiative.
- If a client murders someone, give them the $700 cash you have in your emergency pouch and point them towards El Salvador.
- Fridays are casual.

Now the whole murdering thing ey'body was aight with, but not that DRINKING RULE. Holy fuck, if I want to go out in Cancun and get shitfaced, that is my right as an American abroad on a television station's dime. That is my RIGHT. Ayiiiiia was especially adamant about this and it was truly beautiful to watch. It was like watching Harvey Milk come speechmaking out of his mother's womb. Like seeing Malcom X first clench his fist. Like stumbling by accident on Susan B. Anthony in the bathroom and her swatting her hand at you or at the door you can't quite tell and yelling "Hey, get outta here!" It was truly something. She brought a little soapbox with her to the Student City interview process, where the kids had to talk to Christina about what they wanted to do for the sex tourists and semi-professional Roofie-appliers. Christina just shook her melony head and said "Sorry, babe, no can do. We can't have anything reflect badly on the company." Which was... wait, what? On the company that organizes low-rent trips for horrid sunburned assholes from Ohio to get drunk and sloppily fuck and do horrible things they'll forever regret? That company? What, exactly, could possibly reflect badly on that company? Accidentally decapitating an old Real World cast member while just trying to get them to shut the hell up? Oh Paula, we hardly knew ye.

So that's gonna cause a problem and everyone will get drunk and several will die. At one point during the Christina Interviews, Fuckface said "I'm a leader." Fuckface works at Hooters. If that doesn't spell leadership, I don't know what does.

I don't know how to end this. So, here:

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY, MEXICO.

Pathologist Rules Out Suicide in David Carradine's Death

John Cook — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:34:33 EDT

Coroner-to-the-stars Michael Baden says David Carradine's death was not a suicide, and was caused by asphyxiation. You don't say?

Baden was hired by Carradine's family to conduct an independent autopsy, which is all the rage in Hollywood these days. He told Reuters that while his complete report won't be available for a week, he'd determined that Carradine did not deliberately kill himself:

"The cause of death was asphyxiation, an inability to breathe, now why that happened is still what we're working on," Baden told Reuters.

[snip]

"He didn't die of natural causes, and he didn't die of suicidal causes from the nature of the ligatures around the body, so that leaves some kind of accidental death," he said.

Well, we guess that rules out ninjas, right? Any other ideas?

The media has suggested Carradine could have died from accidental autoerotic asphyxiation. In response to a question on that topic, Baden did not rule out that possibility, but he also did not say autoerotic asphyxiation was the cause.

Baden also confirmed what was obvious to anyone who saw the photo of Carradine's body after he died—his hands were tied above his head. Which raises a question as to how one autoerotically asphyxiates oneself with one's hands bound out of reach of one's nether parts. He told Reuters that he is waiting for Thai authorities to provide him with "pass keys for the hotel where Carradine died, and security video to ensure no one was in the room with him at the time."

But if no one was in the room with him at the time, what the hell was he doing?

[Via ArtsBeat.]

What Could Be Better Than an Asteroids Movie?

Richard Lawson — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 11:42:00 EDT

Actresses make a lot of money. As do movie studios who adapt video games into terrible movies. A great actor died, a promising actress takes wing, and new reality shows make us want to do terrorism.

Adam Sandler's hilarious-sounding new comedy Grown Ups has been moved from March of 2010 to a plum June slot. It's pushed out Seth Rogen's sure-to-be laugh riot and action packed thrill ride The Green Hornet, which has been moved to July 9th. Man, studios just keep making such great movies. [Variety]

Feeling bad about your salary? Prepare to feel worse. Angelika Jorlemon, the wife-ish of actor Bradley Jane Pitt, earned some $27 million last year, making her the grossingest of all Hollywood actresses. Awkwardly, Jennifer Aniston, Bradley's ruined and Havisham-esque ex-wife, came in at number two. She made $25 million. Third was none other than oldie but greaty Meryl Streep, who pulled in a cool $24 million due to her Mamma Mia! success. Sigh. [THR]

ABC wants to see comedians, often a fat and inactive bunch, run. They're going ahead on The Fast and the Funniest, about comedians racing across the county in a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World-style competition. Actually, I like to think it's more like Wacky Races. [Variety]

Apparently four different studios were fighting over Asteroids. Yeah, Asteroids. Like, the Atari video game that's basically one pixel firing mini-pixels at another pixel. I can't wait for the movie, which Universal will make. Shia LaBeouf better star. I hope Shia LaBeouf stars in everything for the rest of forever. I hope Shia LaBeouf marries me. [THR]

Watch out, terrorists. NBC is looking for you. On July 20th they'll role out the first hour of a potential new series called The Wanted, which is a docu sorta thing about finding international blower uppers of things. The original title, Everyone Hates Muslims, was deemed too flat. [Variety]

Oh, sad. Harve Presnell, who played Jean Lundegaard's dad in Fargo, has died at age 75. The Broadway singer suffered from pancreatic cancer and passed away in Santa Monica. [THR]

Ha ha hm... We're not getting sick of him or anything, we swears. Neil Patrick Harris is in talks to host the Emmy Awards this fall. Because he's charming! And a gay person! And maybe he'll sing! But he's also so... overdone at this point, isn't he? Isn't he? [Variety]

You can't fight the moonlight and you evidently can't fight Piper Perabo. The Coyote Ugly actress has been cast as a whip-smart CIA operative in USA's developing series Covert Affairs. So she'll be a tough/smart babe like Mary McCormack in In Plain Sight but a spy like Not Guy Pearce in Burn Notice. Consolidation, USA! And synergy! Always with the synergy! Good for you, though, Pipes. I saw you in reasons to be pretty on the off-Broadway and you did pretty good, kid. [THR]

Oh, and Hilary Duff is gonna be on Gossiping Girls. Playing a movie star. Who lives with Vanessa. I just fell down. [EW]

Which Party Girl Is Nearly Bald from Hair Extension Abuse?

Richard Lawson — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 09:41:00 EDT

Today we have a lady who ruined her hair with extensions, a comedy actor whose drug habit is taking a toll on his film work, and a nice actor couple who are facing cheatin' issues.

1) "Which hard-partying reality starlet is nearly bald after years of abusing hair extensions? The gal's actual locks are only 2 inches long!" [NYDN]

2) "What B- list movie and television comedy actor is currently having to reshoot many scenes from a recent movie. He has been doing so many drugs on his film that he has wildly different looks from one scene to the next depending on when it was shot. It has become so bad that more scenes are being written into the movie for other actors in an attempt to create a story without using many of our comic actor's scenes and story line." [CDaN]

3) "These two over-30 actors always appeared to be pretty happy together. As far as we know, both have worked steadily throughout their careers, neither has ever been to rehab, and they seem like good parents. Why are they suddenly having problems? Seems that our actor got a little too friendly with a cute extra on one of his recent film projects. He was spied in his trailer with the extra. Both at least partially undressed. In a horizontal position. He'll be lucky if he doesn't get kicked to the curb." [BlindGossip]

Sony Knew What Soderbergh Was Up to on Moneyball Script

The Cajun Boy — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:03:54 EDT

Yesterday we posted Sony's take on why Moneyball, the Soderbergh/Pitt film based on Michael Lewis' book, died five days before shooting was to start. Now someone close to the project has provided us with a different version of events.

First, let's briefly recap what we and others have reported so far: The film was set to begin shooting last week. Five days before the start of shooting, director Steven Soderbergh turned in a rewrite of the original script, which was written by Steven Zaillian, that Sony executives, led by co-Chairman Amy Pascal, did not like. The studio felt that Soderbergh, who was insistent that every event in the film had to have taken place in real life, was taking the film in an "artsy" direction that they weren't willing to gamble $58-million dollars on, so they killed it. That's the short version of events according to Amy Pascal anyway.

Since then a few more details about the project emerged. Movieline and Deadspin provided some new information in reports of their own, and today the New York Times has an article that sheds some light on Soderbergh's zeal for authenticity.

One reason was to win the approval of Major League Baseball, which was not happy with some factual liberties in Mr. Zaillian's version. Such approval is crucial in a baseball film that intends to use protected trademarks.

"Typically, on a film like this, we look at it for historical accuracy," said Matthew Bourne, a vice president of Major League Baseball for public relations. "We've been in touch with Soderbergh and Sony, and they've been receptive to our requests."

What baseball saw as accurate, Sony executives saw as being too much a documentary.

All of this brings us to the information provided to us by a tipster who'd been working on the project and has a decidedly different point of view than that of Amy Pascal and Sony.

First and foremost, Soderbergh had been upfront with the direction in which he intended to take the film from the very beginning of his employment. In fact, it was clear to all of us - whether in the Art Department or the Costumes Department, etc. – that Soderbergh intended to use real people to play themselves in the creation of the true story of Moneyball. Additionally, for months Soderbergh had been shooting interviews with real ball players and people from Billy Beane's past, and the studio approved these shoots. How could the studio then at the eleventh hour claim that his approach was a surprise to them? He intended to tell the true story rather than a fictitious version of the story. How innovative.

What exactly is wrong with making a movie accurate? And since when does an authentic film translate as an "art" film? I know numerous people that thought that Soderbergh's approach sounded insightful and interesting and true to the game and what really happened. If baseball lovers and non-baseball lovers alike in my large social network felt this way (not to mention the hundreds of bloggers that were fans of the concept), why couldn't this approach have universal appeal?

Regarding the notion that Sony executives were shocked to discover the direction Soderbergh planned on taking the film:

Soderbergh's script dated June 17, 2009 was not the first script that he handed in to Sony. On June 7th, Soderbergh submitted a draft to the studio with the following note on the first page:

"NOTE: Scenes involving Billy Beane's minor and major league career have been removed from this draft. They will be determined by filmed interviews with scouts, coaches, managers, players and family members who were with him at the time."

Sony executives read this draft. And Sony executives gave Soderbergh their notes. Clearly Amy Pascal did not read this draft – if she had, maybe the drama that began with the June 17th draft could have been avoided.

Another fact: Soderbergh handed in yet another draft dated June 10, 2009 with this note on the first page:

"NOTE: Billy Beane's minor and major league career will be shown via filmed interviews with scouts, coaches, managers, players and family members who were with him at the time. These interviews will comprise approximately ten percent of the film.

"Another ten percent of the film will consist of re-enactments of real events as remembered by the people playing themselves. The purpose of these scenes will be to provide set-up and perspective for subjects, situations, or relationships which currently appear in the screenplay without the requisite/normal amount of context."

Now why in the world was Amy Pascal so shocked (or, rather, "apoplectic" as it was relayed to the production team) when she read the June 17th draft? Could Soderbergh have made his intentions any more clear? Even if these executives did not read beyond PAGE 1, they would have known the direction in which he wanted to take the film – and they should have perhaps reported that to their boss. And maybe, just maybe, if there had been communication with their boss, maybe, just maybe, another avenue could have been taken rather than pulling the plug three days before the film was supposed to start shooting. For instance, maybe they could have delayed principal photography while script/concept issues were resolved.

Our tipster closed with this note:

On the day that Amy Pascal pulled the plug, there were 230 people that were working on Moneyball. Now those 230 people are all out of jobs.

When Soderbergh had to address a stage filled with crew members who were about to lose their jobs, he told us that just as Moneyball was the unorthodox version of building baseball teams, Moneyball the movie was the unorthodox way of making a film. Unfortunately, Amy Pascal does not believe in Moneyball as a concept; otherwise the film would be in its second week of shooting right now.

So there you have it—Another side of the story. All of this is obviously meaningless in the grand scheme of life, not to mention very "inside baseball" (pun intended), but it's so damn fun to talk about. We anxiously await the next bit of backbiting to emerge between the Sony and Soderbergh camps.

Why Did Sony Kill the Pitt/Soderbergh Film Adaptation of Michael Lewis' Moneyball [Previously]
MLB Approval Still Murky as Moneyball Circles the Drain [Movieline]
Money Worries Kill A-List Film at Last Minute [New York Times]
Soderbergh's Moneyball Script Too Real to Get Made [Deadspin]
pic via Vulture

Dark, Powerful Forces Are Determined to Destroy Charmaine Blake

The Cajun Boy — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 21:21:30 EDT

Yesterday we published the best and worst press release of all time from Charmaine Blake, "the most famous publicist," while she was on a date with Cliff Clavin. Now we've received an email from her "friend" claiming we've been "deceived."

All night last we were giddy with anticipation thinking we'd definitely get an email from the wacky Charmaine Blake. Unfortunately, we did not. But a "dear personal friend" of hers, a Spielberg no less, did take the time to write in to inform us that some unknown evil goblin recognized Charmaine Blake as she was enjoying a tasty dinner last night with John Ratzenberger at Wolfgang Puck's Cut in Beverly Hills, which prompted the hellion to spring into action with a diabolical plot to destroy Charmaine Blake, expertly crafting a press release that just so happens to read exactly like something Charmaine Blake would write, based on what we've seen of her work, and then blasted it out to slew of press contacts that this rogue rascal just so happened to have laying around.

See for yourself:

From: MelissaSpielberg@aol.com
Date: July 1, 2009 2:07:05 PM PDT
To: melissa.spielberg@gmail.com
Subject: Media Alert: Celebrity News Retraction

To Whom if May Concern:

My name is Melissa Spielberg. I am a dear personal friend of Charmaine Blake's. Ms. Blake is very upset about the email that went out about her and John Ratzenberger having dinner last night. Apparently someone witnessed Charmaine Blake and John Ratzenberger having dinner at Wolfgang Puck's "Cut" in Beverly Hills last evening. Unfortunately, word leaked out and someone emailed a tip from a fictitious email address claiming to be Charmain Blake. The email address CharmaineBlakePR@aol.com and ExclusivePRFirm@aol.com do not belong to Charmaine Blake and have no affiliation whatsoever with Charmaine Blake. These emails does not exist and we sincerely apologize to everyone for this most unfortunate miscommunication.

Please be advised, if you received this email yesterday, you were being deceived.

Charmaine Blake and John Ratzenberger are very good friends and I hope everyone will respect their privacy.

Thank you for your kind understanding with this matter.

Sincerely yours,
Melissa Spielberg

Wow! Such are the perils of being "the most famous publicist" we suppose. Charmaine Blake's enemies are powerful and determined and will stop at nothing to destroy her. This is obviously the work of the Godless, child-raping David Letterman.

Charmaine Blake PR [Charmaine Blake PR]
Charmaine Blake's Blog [Charmaine Watch]

The Accomplishments of Famous Publicist Charmaine Blake

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:15:07 EDT

Charmaine Blake, famous publicist, is of course best known for issuing a press release about—and during—her date with Cliff Clavin last night. What else has this famous publicist accomplished? We've prepared a Top 10 list.

1. Went on date with Cheers actor; issued press release that went viral while on date. Not many publicists can claim that.

2. January 14, 2009: handled publicity for "Birthday Bash for Hollywood Publicist Charmaine Blake."

3. "First Publicist to ever put 'ED HARDY WATER' ON THE MAP"

4. May 10, 2008: "Launch of a personal underwater aircraft"

5. Domination of mindspace: "Charmaine Blake – What is she doing today? That is the question that Hollywood, Californians have in their minds from time to time."

6. Not being held back by her given name: "Fun is her middle name, but business is her fortay."

7. November 10, 2006: "the 1st Annual Read to succeed literacy gala. Honoring congress woman maxine waters and Lu Var Burton"

8. Diversity of skills: "Charmaine Blake is a famous publicist, who works hard for her clients and then plays hard."

9. Not a liar: "Charmaine Blake is getting famous from what she does and that is why we say that she is the publicist in the spotlight. She really is!"

10. "Professionalism"

Will Public Enemies Be Just Another Hollow Michael Mann Movie?

Richard Lawson — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:06:52 EDT

So Public Enemies, writer/director Michael Mann's slick new crime drama, is getting pretty decent reviews, but reading them doesn't exactly make us excited to see the damn thing. Mann is just so uneven—a technical wizard who ignores everything else.

There are whiffs of that sentiment coming off the reviews. Lisa Schwarzbaum at Entertainment Weekly says "Public Enemies re-creates clothes, but doesn't fully fashion the man who wore them." Which reads to us like the film is just another feat of stylish camerawork and deftly-applied new technologies (Enemies was filmed entirely in HD, for example). Schwarzbaum sends the film to critical no man's land by giving it a listless B-. What are we to do with a B minus?

There's no doubt that Mann is a supremely talented director—Manhunter is a plodding procedural picture that is probably the most adeptly faithful adaptation of Thomas Harris' often florid prose (Silence of the Lambs is too lovely and sad and mysterious and wistful—it's its own thing entirely). And Heat, well Heat is a crime movie to end all crime movies. There any dash of emotion and depth of feeling (thanks be to you, Diane Venora) was a welcome and surprising respite from what the film needed to be, which was grim and mechanical.

Manhola Dargis at the New York Times, one of our favorite film critics, gave Enemies a rave, but language like this still makes us worry:

The same holds true of "Public Enemies," which looks and plays like no other American gangster film I can think of and very much like a Michael Mann movie, with its emphasis on men at work, its darkly moody passages, eruptions of violence and pictorial beauty. Mr. Mann's digital manipulations, in particular, which encompass almost pure abstraction and interludes of hyper-realism, is worthy of longer exegesis, one that explores how this still-unfamiliar format is changing the movies: it allows, among other things, filmmakers to capture the eerie brightness of nighttime as never before.

See, there she is being dazzled by the same magicks that have left us feeling all dour and depressed after all of the most recent Mann pictures. Sure Collateral looked great, but where was the genuine tension, where was the human spark that should have made us care about Jamie Foxx's survival? Miami Vice had striking visual moments as well, but was otherwise cold as a fish flopping on a Key West dock. The whole "my partner got shot, oh my god" moments were swallowed up by Mann's turgid music, his gloomy, oppressive lighting. (And about that music. It's a semi-known fact that Mann is going deaf, but still insists on doing his own audio mixing.)

Lately we're worried that there really isn't anything else up Mann's sleeve but polished trickery. Public Enemies, what with the economy these days and all, could be a story of poor America bubbling over into revolt. And maybe it is! We haven't seen it! But from the ten or so reviews we've read, it sounds mostly the same as everything else. And yet he's still one of those few directors that thoughtful critics love to love. Because he shows them something gritty and dangerous and, most of all, cool, when most of the Good films they review these days are sparkling indies or message movies. Though it's not like there aren't other people making cannily-shot crime films—the sublime No Country for Old Men comes to mind. But there was something mysterious and existential and, well, deep at work in that movie that Mann has so far seemed unable to conjure.

What do you think? Can 66-year-old Michael Mann make a movie these days that's hinged more heavily on story and character than on technical craft? Do you care?

Image via Getty

This Week In Tabloids: Dead Bodies, Beach Bodies, Weddings & Monkeys

Dodai — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 14:00:00 EDT

It's Wednesday, so this is Midweek Madness, our tabloid roundup. Star was the only rag without Michael Jackson on the covers this week, maybe hoping people prefer "Beach Bodies" to untimely death? Step inside for more weeklies, after the jump.

OK!
"Tragic Death." The mag chose a cover image that some are calling "ghoulish" and a "disgrace," especially since Michael Jackson may already be dead in the photo. Some advertisers may be pissed and there's talk of a boycott. Inside you'll find a standard collage of old and new Michael Jackson photographs. Also inside: Kristen Stewart has dumped her boyfriend Michael Angarano, according to a source, which means she COULD date Robert Pattinson, but she doesn't want to rush into another relationship. YAWN. One spread in the "news" section is called "The Many Faces Of Johnny Depp" and is just pictures of characters he has played. News? Really?
Grade: F (pulled away by rip tide)

Life & Style
"Who Killed Michael." The headline inside is "Drugs, Anorexia and Missing Millions," and you'll find a typical sensationalist story: the family thinks drugs were being used to manipulate Michael; there might have been millions stolen from him; he kept saying that he owed people money and people would kill him if he didn't do the London concerts. On and on, bullshit. Moving on: Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler are "competing" for Jennifer Aniston. During a late night shoot on Bounty Hunter, Jen was getting really "chatty" with Gerard, and a source says "Gerard was getting really close to her on the escalator." Um, it's an escalator. How far apart can two people be? Also, Gerard is "just like" Brad Pitt because they "wear similar hats," "they love their bikes," they've got great bodies," and they both wear aviator sunglasses. In a story about how Kate Gosselin might raise her kids alone, there's a sidebar on Jon Gosselin, in which the magazine spells his name with an H (we circled it in yellow for you) and prints the headline, "John Trades The Kids For Booze, Money And Women." (Fig. 1). Kendra Wilkinson had "wedding dress drama" when days before the ceremony, she discovered that her dress didn't fit! Her boobs were too big, because she is three months pregnant, "I had to get my whole dress redone," she explains. Britney Spears would like her agent/boyfriend Jason Trawick to move in with her at the end of her tour. Jacqueline of RHONJ clears up what Caroline was accusing Danielle of doing to Dina in the reunion special, saying: "Danielle was trying to harm Dina by giving her ex-husband a phone number that might give him leverage in the custody of their daughter Lexi." Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel might be "taking a break" since they have not been photographed together since May 31 and a source says, "I think they might be over." Robert Pattinson's aunt speaks to the magazine and says: "I don't think it would be a good idea for Robert to be in a serious relationship with Kristen. How can he live his life with a fellow star with their every move being watched, just like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?"
Grade: D- (jellyfish sting)

Star
"52 Best & Worst Beach Bodies!"
Some of the "best" include 15-year-old Ali Lohan, perennial fave Kim Kardashian, and Julia Roberts. Worsts? Kate Gosselin, Stephanie Seymour and Helena Christensen — the latter two have cellulite. Moving on: According to this magazine, Janet Jackson should get the kids because Katherine Jackson is too old and "it's what Michael would have wanted." Although the cover says "Janet Fights For Michael's Kids," it appears to be a lie — there is no information ANYWHERE indicating that Janet has gotten involved or wants the kids. Next: Justin Ross Lee, "an up and coming Facebook celebrity," sat next to Ashley Olsen on an airplane, took pictures of her sleeping and apparently sold the story to Star. It's a Star "exclusive." Disney Star Selena Gomez has a mole on her chest and if the 16-year-old star tries on a dress with a neckline low enough that the beauty mark can be seen, her mom nixes it. Says the mom: "I'm on constant mole patrol." James Haven — brother of Angelina Jolie — has a license plate which reads "Shilloh," because that was his nickname as a kid. Angie named her daughter after him, in a way. Lindsay Lohan went to get a manicure and had no cash on her, and no credit cards; she let another customer pay the bill for her. Blind item! "Which funnylady is a fan of those funny-smelling cigarettes? Tongues were wagging when she showed up half-baked at an industry dinner in L.A. on June 19th." In an interview with Robert Pattinson's exes, we learn that he was "amazing" in bed and that his first girlfriend now works in a slaughterhouse in New Zealand. Kevin, the ex-husband of RHONJ's Danielle Staub, claims that Danielle brought up "the book" to producers before the show. After she made the plea deal so she wouldn't go to prison, she started receiving anonymous threatening phone calls — possibly from the drug dealers she'd ratted out — and was talking about maybe going into the witness protection program.
Grade: D (mangled and tumbled by six foot waves)

In Touch
"Gone Too Soon."
To accompany this classic, retro cover straight out of 1984, there are two long stories about Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, PLUS A PULL-OUT POSTER with Michael on one side and Farrah on the other. Margaret is totally hanging it in her locker. (Fig. 2a, 2b) Also inside: Lindsay Lohan wears $2,165 ripped jeans. (Fig. 3). Madonna and Mercy look cute together! (Fig. 4). Did Stephanie Pratt have a nose job (Fig. 5)? Is Britney "unraveling" again? Recently she went shopping and changed her outfit in every store. Then, in London, she "tearfully shut herself into a closet" and "her assistant had to coax her out by promising to buy her tacos." Kate Gosselin is "flabby" now that the divorce is getting to her. Or wearing a different cut of bathing suit? Bradley Cooper is "going to break Jen's heart" because the night before their date, we was out with Lake Bell and "had his hands all over her legs." Check out Style Network star Ruby's "first fashion shoot" ever, on page 85 (Fig. 6). Lastly, a spider monkey named Coco announces that she likes bananas, grapes and swings, and is the 4th of the Girls Next Door (Fig.7).
Grade: C (sunburn)

Us
"His Final Days."
Margaret says this is the best Michael Jackson story she has read all week. Instead of the recapped/CNN stuff the other magazines are printing. The mag talks to Michael's former bodyguard, who says that MJ was often over-medicated and "I would have to literally lift him up and carry him back to the car or back to his room." Michael had a fall-out with his former best friend, illusionist Uri Geller, because Geller tried to tell him he was taking too many painkillers and anti-depressants — Michael couldn't accept someone confronting him, because he's used to getting his way. A family source says that Michael's usual schedule was to sleep until late in the afternoon and stay up all night, but when he started rehearsals for the tour, it "totally screwed up his system." He started using stimulants in order to get up early for the rehearsals. There's another story in the mag about Michael's "Life As A Dad" with tons of previously unseen pictures of his kids. Plus, there's deep insight as to what the kids' lives were like. Sources say the kids were very intelligent and fairly normal. Michael would get down on his knees on the floor and change Blanket's diaper. Michael made a big deal out of Christmas, because growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, he wasn't allowed to celebrate. But a photographer says that his wacky behavior did affect the kids: He was paranoid that someone was trying to poison the kids, and at hotels, there would be a long list of stuff they couldn't eat. When they stayed in fancy hotels, Michael would go in and baby-proof everything — like go in and put cardboard and tape on all sharp edges of the furniture. The kids were home-schooled in a classroom at Neverland that had blackboards, textbooks and desks, and the children had to wear matching uniforms to school. They had instructors, but Michael also handled some of the lessons: He taught them African-American history, music and art. There's also information on the biological father of the kids, dermatologist Arnold Klein. Plus: Did you know that Katherine Jackson and Joe Jackson don't live together? She lives in L.A. and he lives in Vegas. Also inside: Kanye West has been interning at the GAP's offices in NYC. "He works all the time, and one Friday night recently, he stayed until 12 am. He's learning the fashion business from the inside and trying to do it quietly." Jennifer Garner hates Ben Affleck's ex, Gwyneth Paltrow! She's annoyed that Gwyneth sends her kids to Violet's school… but only for a few weeks a year, which "messes up the dynamics of the class." Lastly, there are six pages of "official photos" from Kendra Wilkinson's wedding — she was bumped off the cover by the death of MJ. Margaret found the wedding, which took place at the Playboy Mansion, to be a "shockingly classy affair." Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt were among the bridesmaids, and Hef and his three new girlfriends were in attendance. Hef danced with Kendra to "As Time Goes By." Fatherly!
Grade: B- (sand in crotch of swimsuit)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2a

Fig. 2b

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Fig. 7

L.A. Parents Don't Want Bruno Pretending to Sodomize Their Kids, Period

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 12:19:00 EDT

You might have thought that Los Angeles is a progressive city, but think again. All it takes is one little wink-wink ass-fucking photo shoot with a movie star and high school students to get parents all upset.

The new GQ has a story about Bruno, of course, cause what other stuff is happening this month? So they did a photo shoot of the gay-like character with an LA high school football team, and even paid the school a cool $500 for the privilege of handling their young men. Now the principal's in trouble!

"Rules were broken. The principal is ultimately responsible, but I also hold accountable the athletic director, who is also the school's filming coordinator and was present when the pictures were taken," [the head of the school district] said.

"I also want parents to know that this district will allow no one to take advantage of our students."

You know those boys liked it, heh, [MACHO]. Pretty dumb controversy considering the kids got permission slips and everything. GQ declined to give us a comment, although they did make sure we had a copy of the picture, so they must be pretty upset about the whole thing! Thanks, GQ!

Soderbergh's Moneyball Script Too Real To Get Made

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:15:58 EDT

The Sony Pictures executive who pulled the plug on Moneyball says that Steven Soderbergh changed the original script because he didn't want anything in the movie that didn't actually happen. So Billy Beane isn't a sweaty, foul-mouthed, Hooters waitress slayer?

Everyone loved Steven Zallian's version (he's an Oscar-winner, you know!), because it had jokes and snappy dialogue and actually made sabermetrics non-mind numbing. But Soderbergh wanted realism so much, he was determined to only film events that took place in real life. He also scrapped the conceit of having Bill James as the "Greek chorus", bookending the film with his anecdotes with and wise old man stories. The verdict:

That might make for an intriguing art film, but it clearly was no longer a film that any studio would spend $58 million to make, especially with baseball films having virtually no appeal outside of the U.S.

We got our hands on the Soderbergh draft, and it's about as bad as others have said. Gone, thankfully, is the Beane-as-dork-Messiah stuff. Soderbergh's Beane is more of a proxy for the audience this time — Bud Fox meets Crash Davis, as they say in Hollywood — and in his script, Moneyball is more of a Beane-Paul DePodesta buddy movie, which maybe makes some sense when you imagine Brad Pitt and Demetri Martin in those roles. Maybe.

The script was probably doomed from its second page, from which the above image was taken. Here's Soderbergh's disclaimer:

Billy Beane's minor and major league career will be shown via filmed interviews with scouts, coaches, managers, players, and family members who were with him at the time. These interviews will comprise approximately ten percent of the film.

Another ten percent of the film will consist of re-enactments of real events as remembered by the people playing themselves. The purpose of these scenes will be to provide set-up and perspective for subjects, situations, or relationships which currently appear in the screenplay without the requisite/normal amount of context.

All that is to say an important portion of this film will be written in the editing room. This isn't a cop-out; it's just a fact, and entirely by design.

That sounds an awful lot like, "Yes, this script sucks. But trust me. I made The Limey." It was probably at this point that Amy Pascal, the Sony executive, optioned the script to the bottom of her coffee mug. Even though it was five days from shooting and Sony had already sunk $10 million dollars into the film, Pascal pulled the plug. The movie is now in limbo. The studio would presumably still make the Zaillian version if they could find a director, but would likely lose Brad Pitt if Soderbergh walks. And the current talent is free to take the project somewhere else, but no one is biting, because that brings us all back to the original argument, "Why anyone make a movie about this?" Maybe Scott Hatteberg is really big overseas?

(Additional Soderbergh script reveals, information by Tommy Craggs.)

Sony's Amy Pascal speaks out about 'Moneyball' [Los Angeles Times, via Gawker]
What happened to...Moneyball? [ScriptShadow]
Billy Beane Is A Golden God: Excerpts From The Scrapped Moneyball Script

Nothing Says Hollywood Like 'Old Lesbians'

Richard Lawson — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:04:00 EDT

Today old people do fun, romantic things. A great TV actor gets a chance to play second-fiddle in a movie. Lesbians go front and center, as do aliens. Also, Grey's Anatomy is everywhere.

Oscar winners Olympia Dukakis and Brenda Fricker will star in a new film about two old lesbians who break out of a nursing home and go on a road trip. This is expected to be summer 2010 tentpole programming for Universal, which is hoping for a franchise. What this says for Fox's similarly-themed big-budget summer film Me & Henry, about Hal Holbrook and Philip Bosco being gay together, remains to be seen. [Variety]

The marvelous Charlie Day from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Christina Applegate have joined Drew Barrymore and Justin Long in the romantical comedy Going the Distance. They'll play the best friend/snarky sibling characters, obviously. New Line is hoping to add some box office oomph by asking the screenwriter to pen in a subplot about Blythe Danner and Lynn Cohen going to sex parties. [THR]

Speaking of It's Always Sunny..., FX has announced their fall premiere dates. Sunny will premiere September 17th at 10pm, the same day that NBC rolls out their Thursday night laff line-up (sans 30 Rock). So, a funny night! [Variety]

Columbus Circle, a movie co-written by Kevin Pollack, lurches into motion. The film is about Selma Blair being a hermited New York heiress who is interviewed by detective Giovanni Ribisi after there's a murder in her building. Amy Smart and Jason Lee play new neighbors. So, that sounds like a movie that could have been made ten years ago. [THR]

Oh, another box office smash! Annette Bening and Julianne Moore are set to play lesbian parents whose two kids, Mia Wasikowska from In Treatment and Josh Hutcherson from Bridge to Terabithia, go in search of their sperm donor papa in The Kids are All Right. He turns out to be Mark Ruffalo, and hilarity and awkwardness ensue. This will probably open against James Ivory's boffo new picture, Lady with a Lapdog, an adaptation of the Chekhov short story starring Phyllida Law. In this version, everyone's gay. [Variety]

ABC has picked up an internationally-produced show about astronauts starring Ron Livingston. The thing was actually pitched at one point as "Grey's Anatomy in space". So. A couple days ago we learned about that Canadian show Coppers that was picked up for distribution by ABC. It was described as Grey's Anatomy about rookie cops. Basically, everything is Grey's Anatomy and foreign. That's your new TV, folks. Enjoy it. [THR]

Oh, and remakes! Also there are remakes. Sci Fi, oh excuse me Syfy, is trying its hand at yet another gritty retelling of a cheesy story. They'll be rebooting Alien Nation, that 1980s series about cops and aliens named Sam Francisco. It would be an alien procedural. It'll also have to compete, someday theoretically, with V, another remount that ABC is doing in the fall. Hey, TV! We have ideas for shows that are new! Come talk to us! [Variety]

Which Actor Brothers Secretly Hate Each Other?

Richard Lawson — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 09:48:00 EDT

Just one lone item today, about two actor brothers who are are in a secret, nasty career feud.

1) "These two brothers are both successful actors. However, one has always had more success than the other, as well as the financial rewards that come with that. While they act chummy when you catch them together in front of the cameras, behind the scenes, resentment has been boiling. When one brother found out the other was auditioning for a role he really wanted himself, he arranged a fake emergency so the brother wouldn't be able to make it to the audition on time, and showed up in his place." [BlindGossip]

Why Did Sony Kill the Pitt/Soderbergh Film Adaptation of Michael Lewis' Moneyball?

The Cajun Boy — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 01:54:40 EDT

Last week Sony killed Moneyball, the Steven Soderbergh-directed $58-million baseball film starring Brad Pitt based on Michael Lewis' book about former Oakland A's GM Billy Beane, just five days before filming was set to start. So what the hell happened?

Rumors have been swirling since Variety first reported last week that Soderbergh's vision for the film differed dramatically from the vision studio executives had for the film, but up to this point no one associated with the project has been willing to speak on the record about it.

But yesterday Sony's Amy Pascal, the studio executive in charge of the film, spoke to the LA Times' Patrick Goldstein. According to Pascal, what it all boiled down to was essentially simple—The studio loved screenwriter Steven Zaillian's original adaptation of Lewis' book, while Soderbergh felt the script lacked authenticity and rewrote it himself, making radical changes that Pascal and the studio weren't willing to gamble on, fearful that Soderbergh would turn it into an "artsy" film like Solaris or Schizopolis, especially when baseball movies traditionally don't do well at the box office outside of the United States. Soderbergh was insistent that everything in the movie had to have happened in real life.

Reports Goldstein:

Some changes to Zaillian's script were subtle, others were dramatic. At one point, Beane signs Scott Hatteberg, a journeyman catcher with a bad arm whom Bean can get for peanuts and turn into a first baseman. Beane loves Hatteberg's ability to get on base, but his staff is appalled — he just can't turn anyone into a slick-fielding first baseman overnight. In Zaillian's script, one of the coaches watches Hatteberg taking ground balls at a Little League field, his wife armed with a plastic laundry basket full of baseballs. She hits the balls to her husband off a tee, with their 4-year-old daughter backing him up down the line. One ball takes a bad hop and goes between Hatteberg's legs. When his daughter scoops it up, the coach quips: "Maybe we should sign her."

Soderbergh cut out the joke because it was the screenwriter's invention — the coach had never actually said it. He also cut out a scene where Beane gives a tongue-lashing to Jason Giambi, one of his departing free agents, again because it didn't actually happen. Zaillian's script was anchored by on-screen monologues by Bill James, the oddball guru of modern-day baseball statistics (who today works in the Boston Red Sox front office). James functioned as a Greek chorus for the film, offering wry, Yoda-like explanations about the complexity of the game.

Zaillian's deft renditions of James' maxims were funny and always to the point, allowing the audience the opportunity to see inside the game. In one monologue, James says: "If you score three runs and the other team scores four, you can be inspired as all hell but you still lost. The numbers represent the ineluctable sum of victories and defeats, and that cannot be made one iota larger or smaller than it is by PR campaigns, personal animosities or any of the greater and lesser forms of B.S." But in Soderbergh's draft, the James material had all vanished, presumably to be replaced by interviews with Beane's real-life associates.

At a "summit" held after Soderbergh turned in his draft of the script, he reportedly pleaded "trust me" to the Sony executives, who were obviously unwilling to do so. Besides Pitt, the film was also set to star comedian Demetri Martin as well as former ballplayers Darryl Strawberry, Mookie Wilson, David Justice and Lenny Dykstra, but Soderbergh's unrelenting zeal for authenticity proved to be the project's demise.

Bob Costas would be proud.

As for Michael Lewis, he seems unfazed by the developments with the film version of his book, telling MSNBC recently, "I don't understand why they bought it for a movie in the first place."

Sony's Amy Pascal Speaks Out About Moneyball [LA Times]
Image via Vulture

The Best and Worst Press Release of All-Time

The Cajun Boy — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 21:51:45 EDT

Over the course of any single day, Gawker receives numerous press releases, many of them ridiculous and sad. This one may be the most ridiculous and sad we've ever seen. Poor John Ratzenberger.

Apparently some LA-based flack named Charmaine Blake, "the most famous publicist," is on a date right now with Cliff Clavin from Cheers and couldn't resist blasting out a poorly written press release under the table on her Blackberry.

Poor John Ratzenberger. He's probably trying to put the pieces of his life back together after his ex-girlfriend was almost inspired by a country song to set his car on fire, and now he's on a date with the craziest, drunkest, most publicity-hungry publicist in town. She also has a blog, which is always a sure sign of mental instability.

This is why LA sucks!

via Alex Blagg's Tumblr

Real Housewife Danielle Staub's All My Children Scene

Tracie — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 18:40:00 EDT

When Danielle Staub showed her modeling pictures to her kids in the season finale of RHONJ, she said she was on All My Children. Turns out she was a day player in 2001: One scene, with two lines.

Fergie's husband Josh Duhamel was there, though.

Danielle Staub On "All My Children" [SoapNet]

You Will Never Unsee Mimi's Revenge

Alexia Tsotsis — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 18:25:48 EDT

After ex-boyfriend Eminem took a potshot at her on his new album Relapse, Mariah Carey decided to beat the rapper at his own multiple-personality game, by dressing as him on the NYC video shoot for her latest single, "Obsessed" yesterday.

Sample Carey "jabs":

"You're so lame....Ooh boy, why you so obsessed with me? Ohh finally found a girl that you couldn't impress/Last man on the earth/still couldn't get this."

Between MTV's Bruno stunt and Mariah's doppelganger performance, it looks like Eminem has become more participant/victim of celebrity pranks than actually well you know, doing anything.

Women: They All Love Project Runway

Richard Lawson — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:51:36 EDT

Fashion design competition show Project Runway is soon returning to us after a long hiatus, on the Lifetime network for ladies. And, in a new promo, the network makes very certain you know one thing: Good women watch Project Runway.

And some men too! Men like firefighters and farmers and gay men on Venice Beach. But, yeah, mostly it's women. They love the fashions and the challenges and how Tim is fun and gay and how Heidi is weird and German. You hear that, other women? You really should be watching this show when it comes back, because Lifetime hasn't ruined it, as so many feared it would! No no no, they've just made it more womanly.

We know Lifetime has to make a big push to get people to watch the damn show because they spent so much money stealing it from Bravo and now it's been off the air forever and everyone's forgotten about it, but this is just unfortunate.

Dear Mr. President: Please Stop Palling Around With This Man

John Cook — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:47:16 EDT

Barack Obama's bizarre alliance with NBC continued last week when the White House invited network chief/seasoned clubrat Ben Silverman over for a highly publicized meeting just in time for the launch of Silverman's shitty new show, The Philanthropist.

The meeting—with White House advisers but not, mercifully, Obama himself—was ostensibly about "soliciting ideas for selling [Obama's] public service message." But because Silverman is unctuous and gross, it was really about getting press, and the appearance of a White House impramatur, for The Philanthropist, which Silverman bought without seeing a pilot and which the Miami Herald's Glenn Garvin says "may be worst show ever."

Silverman went to the White House with The Philanthropist's producer Tom Fontana and its star James Purefoy. Because he exactly the kind of guy who would call you from the White House to say "Dude, guess where I am right now!", he called Cindy Adams to say, "Dude, guess where I am right now!":

From his cellphone in the White House East Reception Room, Silverman told me:

"We're responding to Obama's request to bring the entertainment industry into White House initiatives."

Which, basically, means what?

"Nixon established an Office of Public Liaison. Such public engagement now will help the president's outreach to Hollywood to spread his message of science, education, math, technology, engineering and public service. We're committed to getting young people engaged, and our new summer drama will encompass these story lines."

Yes, that's right, The Philanthropist is "encompassing" the White House's "story lines."

Ben Silverman is an awful person who makes shitty TV and is about to get fired by Jeff Zucker, an even worse person who also makes shitty TV. Barack Obama's White House was supposed to be all about Camelot Revisited, with poets and philosophers roaming the halls and dancing with one another to jazz and wearing tuxedos. The man who staked his network on trying to hire Rod Blagojevich to hang out with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt is an obscene intrusion into that noble vision. Now he's probably running around talking about "my friend Barry Obama" and pitching the White House on Michelle Obama doing a "Now You Know" PSA—maybe about organic food? We could partner with Whole Foods!

Mr. President, this man is beneath you. Let him, and all his awful television shows, go away quietly.

Jon & Kate: The Writing On The Wall

Tracie — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:20:00 EDT

Last night's episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 was a compilation, looking back on the (now divorcing) couple's decade-long marriage. After viewing past seasons, we made our own compilation of the obvious indicators that their union was in trouble.

Having never viewed an episode of this show until last week, and now having watched about a half dozen of them, I'm starting to really like how boring and tense the show always is, because that actually seems to be the Gosselins' reality...which is rare for a reality show.

How to Cover Michael Jackson When There's Nothing Left to Cover

Alexia Tsotsis — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:18:16 EDT

Media everywhere are mourning the loss of MJ coverage this week as they regretfully turn back to boring things, like Iraq or Bernie Madoff. Here are today's headline highlights, as the web milks this Google trend for all it's worth.

1. ABC asks "Could Better CPR have saved Michael Jackson?" Answer: Probably.

2. After Intense Attention, Coverage of Michael Jackson's Death Begins Receding And the Associated Press covered the coverage of coverage.

3. Michael Jackson, The Bookworm The LATimes examines the death of Jocko, bibliophile. Really. (Another score from the LATimes: Brett Ratner on Michael Jackson: 'You Felt Like God Was Within Him')

4. Jackson's Body Returns to Neverland courtesy of TMZ, the guys who broke the story. And a more true thing has never been said.

5. And of course the LAWeekly buys "the DailyMichaelJackson.com" to replace Nikki Finke.

And the most over-the-top traffic-bait award goes to Contactmusic.com for:

Jackson Fans Commit Suicide.

Gary Taylor, president and owner of MJJcommunity.com, says, "I know there has been an increase (in deaths), I now believe the figure is 12. It is a serious situation that these people are going through but Michael Jackson would never want this. He would want them to live.

Word.

Congrats to everyone who played! You're all winners!

L.A. Weed Dealer Finally Finds a Use for Twitter

Alexia Tsotsis — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:47:45 EDT

California won't let the gays marry but it does let people micro-blog (medical) drug deals. Meet former Northwestern J-school student Dann Halem, who is building an online business selling weed on Twitter. How is this possible you ask?

Halem, who looks like your average middle class white dude (see pic) is adamantly "not bitter" that he can't survive solely as a journalist, states, "If I wanted to destroy my life, I wanted it to be for something I knew I could sell." Yo society, there's something not quite right when, after an education of $100K-plus, one of the few available job opportunities for an aspiring writer (and maybe even for Twitter itself) is selling something called "Blackberry Kush."

The @artistscollctve Twitter account went up last week and, in the vein of a more #420 friendly Kogi BBQ, the medical marijuana delivery service also boasts "On-Time GPS" and the availability of "green crack." Artists for Access is a "creative non-profit" operating under something called a 501 3c non-profit license, "as far as the law is concerned, we're good."

Technically legal in California, Halem's dicey business model is legit from a state standpoint, but not federally. You can't just call up an get a bag, but knowing the multitudes of dodgy loopholes that exist in the CA medical marijuana policy (i.e. insomnia counts) it's probably not that hard to score a prescription. Line up your doctor's notes ASAP! Because this opportunity may not (probably won't) last.

Ricky Gervais, Mike Myers, and Cameron Diaz's Bad Accent: Three Previews

Richard Lawson — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:00:46 EDT

We've got a trio of exciting new trailers today. There's Ricky Gervais' new comedy that he wrote and directed, Richard "Donnie Darko" Kelly's bizarre-looking new horror flick, and a more detailed preview of Inglourious Basterds, Quentin Tarantino's new romp.

The Invention of Lying, which Gervais co-wrote and co-directed with Matthew Robinson, looks pretty funny and absurdist and sports a bogglingly good cast—Gervais, Jennifer Garner, Jonah Hill, Christopher Guest, Tina Fey, Martin Starr, Jason Bateman, Jeffrey Tambor, Rob Lowe, Patrick Stewart, Stephanie March, John Hodgman, and Louis C.K., among others. Ridiculous.

Inglourious Basterds will be bloody good bloody fun. We're especially liking Mike Myers' gonzo Brit in this trailer.

Hm... While The Box has an interesting concept, our faith in Richard Kelly is a bit rattled after Southland Tales. Now, that movie definitely had its merits (that whole virtuoso Justin TImberlake/"All These Things That I've Done" sequence chief among them), but in sum it was a muddled mess. The trailer for this picture begins promisingly (if you can forgive Cameron Diaz's brutal accent) with a creepy, fable-like setup, but then devolves into watery, ugly CGI and we start to worry. Also, does the presence of James Marsden mean he's on the leading-mean up and up, or does it mean that this is a schlocky B-horror film? Sadly, we kinda think it's the latter.

The Triumphant Return of Tionna Smalls

Richard Lawson — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 10:46:00 EDT

Tionna Smalls is back! Such good news. Also: Law & Order: SVU will keep solving sex crimes, Amy Adams will embarrass herself, and strange casting good make for good television.

HOLY SHIT. This is a sentence: "The also-untitled Chilli project will follow the singer as she enlists the help of relationships expert Tionna Smalls to find love." Like, our old friend Tionna Smalls? Holy shit. Oh, that's about a new VH1 reality show with the TLC chick Chilli. There's another show about Pepa Denton, from Salt 'n Pepa. Man, the world is reeling right now. In a good way. [Variety]

Oh God. Amy Adams has joined the cast of that Mark Wahlberg/Christian Bale boxing picture directed by Darren Aronofsky, The Fighter. She'll play "Charlene, a tough, gritty bartender and former college high-jumper from Massachusetts". And you know what that means, folks? Another bad, strained Boston accent. Adams is a great actress but "tough" and "gritty" she is nawt. Did anyone see What Doesn't Kill You? Holy hell, that thing was a maudlin disaster. Amanda Peet had a decent accent though. But what's with the Boston fetishism? I'm all for movies made in my beloved hometown, but "Charlene, a tough, gritty bartender"? Well, she'd better look like Beverly D'Angelo on a bad day and be cranking Newport butts 'cause otherwise, I won't believe it. [THR]

Speaking of faux grit, Mariska Hargimammy and Chris Meloni have signed on for more work as detectives Rapey and McLoosecannon on Law & Order: SVU. They'll stick around for at least two more seasons, making about $400,000 a week. Christine Lahti is going to guest for a few episodes, which is great, and Stephanie March will be back for ten episodes, which is also great. I really like this show, even though it is ridiculous and those paychecks listed above make me want to claw my eyes out. The world is off kilter my friends. [Variety]

Oh no! Unstoppable, that movie about a runaway train headed towards chemicals, might be derailed. Or stopped! Or any of the other wordplay things you can do! Chemicals! Denzel Wershington and Christina Pine were to star and Tony Scott was to ~~shake a camera around and confuse everyone~~ direct, but now budgetary concerns are halting its progress. See, star-driven stuff like Tony and Denzel's The Taking of Weird Numbers Train, also about a train, didn't do well. Mostly it's because no one likes John Travolta anymore, but Denzel will still get blamed. This is a tragedy for these multi, multi, multimillionaires. [THR]

Aw, Chris Kattan has something to do now. The rubber-faced Saturday Night Live actor will costar in a new series called The Middle, a single-cam ABC show about a Midwestern car saleswoman, played by Patricia Heaton. It will be a fun two episodes before it gets canceled. [THR]

Eight and a half million people watched something called Princess Protection Program on the Disney Channel on Friday. Sadly, and inexplicably, I was not one of them. Seriously, Richard? You didn't even know this was on? Even though Selena Gomez, whom you hate, was in it, and you have seen A Cinderella Story 2? Disaster. I'm losing it in my old age. [Variety]

Oh, terrific. Dimension is planning a remake of An American Werewolf in London, because of TwinkyTwinkleLight probably. Let's just hope that Tom Everett Scott stays far, far away from this one. [THR]

Which Former Boy Band Star Is Now a Sad, Coked-Up Mess (Don't Say "All of Them"...)

Richard Lawson — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 09:35:00 EDT

Today we have a cocaine-addled former crotch juggler (boy band singer), a foreign actor who likes to say a really verboten word, and a couple that's not quite as happy as we thought.

1) "Which former boy bander looked oh-so-strung-out over the weekend? His diet of booze and nose candy certainly isn't helping his skin-and-bones appearance." [NYDN]

2) "This foreign born C+/B- list mostly movie actor with one very famous television role loves using the "N" word because he thinks it makes him look cool. This lasted about ten minutes on the set of of one of his very recent movies. Upon hearing it, his co-star and fellow C+/B- list mostly movie actor punched our foreign born actor and knocked him out cold. He didn't use the term again the entire movie." [CDaN]

3) "This young couple turned a work relationship into a romance. There is lots of paparazzi evidence of the two spending their off-screen time together. So there was naturally a considerable amount of buzz when the actor was seen shopping alone for a very beautiful and rather expensive piece of jewelry. A few weeks later, the jewelry was spied being worn… by another actress on the same production. Oops. It looks like the couple we all think is a couple isn't very exclusive." [BlindGossip]

Joe Jackson: Plugging Away

Richard Lawson — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:26:00 EDT

Oh, Joe Jackson. Deceased Michael's monster of a father held a press conference today with Al Sharpton in which he managed to ~~lovingly honor his tragically-fated son~~ promote his "record company" and just appear all around looney-tunes.

Obviously the Michael Jackson story is big news, and the man's father has a right to say what he wants about his dead son, but the twinkly gleam in his eye as he revels in the press attention just chills our blood a little bit, the record company plug being the cherry on top.

Sad that even in death, MJ still isn't free of his scary father.

Earlier: Watch Joe Jackson Stoically Use His Son's Death to Plug a DVD

Hung and Nurse Jackie: Shows We'll Warily Watch

Richard Lawson — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:15:00 EDT

So who watched Hung last night? HBO's latest installment in its string of series depicting lives lived on the fringes of America is about a well-endowed gym teacher who becomes a gigolo to earn some extra cash. It was... good?

Video clip probably NSFW, BTW!

It's so hard to tell about the general quality of the show, glamored as we were by director Alexander Payne's reliably gentle/tough hand and the nimble work of Jane Adams, as Thomas Jane's pimp, who is one of Hollywood's most criminally underused actors. She gave a fine, nuanced, weird performance last night—spanning from sexual ecstasy to untethered artist sadness to hard-minded pragmatist with natural ease. And Payne's details—his close-ups, his visual aesthetic that's both warm and chilly—provided such a lovely backdrop for this kind of pleasingly lived-in acting.

But Thomas Jane? Hm. He's always been such a conundrum. He was maybe going to break out and be big after The Sweetest Thing and The Punisher and then it just fizzled into nowhere. And he's got that curious face, that bashed-up maybe-handsome, maybe-too-unfocused set of features that can be manly and attractive one minute, and then sort of sad and grizzled the next. It works mostly to his favor, we think, in the role of Ray Drecker, a washed-up high school coach who, in his youth, had a string of opportunities that never panned out (hey... sounds familiar!). Anne Heche ably plays his angry, moved-on wife in a part that could either stay shrill or round out to something unlikable, sure, but undeniably compelling in its true-to-life humanity (see: Nikki Grant on Big Love).

So we like it OK. But we're definitely not in love. We're trying to remember the last time a TV pilot grabbed us and demanded further viewing. Didn't happen for True Blood or, hell, even Big Love. What about over on Showtime? We're sorta liking Nurse Jackie, but it's really only for the same reason as Hung: a wonderful performance by a lead actress amid a sea of other, murkier things. In the case of Nurse Jackie: What the hell were they thinking casting that guy as Jackie's husband? He's like twenty years younger and belongs in some indie about softly strumming guitars in a sparsely-furnished New York apartment, not playing the borough-dwelling owner of a local dive bar. Also, Anna Deavere Smith is sort of embarrassing herself with jokey-joke cameos as a stern hospital administrator. And while Eve Best is a terrific actress, we're not sure that her hyperbolic character—bitchy blase rich Englishwoman doctor with a boatload of Blahniks but no love for children—belongs alongside Falco's more dependably "real" Jackie.

Both of these shows have promise, and we'll stick with them, but we're disappointed that we're not more excited. Not everything can be The Sopranos or Mad Men where we're hooked like suckers from the very beginning, but watching a show out of duty or some pretentious high-minded ideal that this is Good Television starts to feel like work after a while.

Alanis Morissette and Five Other Singers Who Should Act More

Richard Lawson — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:40:14 EDT

Alanis Morissette—angry/thoughtful lady-pop voice of the 90s—sometimes acts. She showed up as God in Dogma and a bisexual on Sex and the City. And now she's appearing on Weeds for seven episodes. And we're pretty happy about it.

Why God why?, you may ask. Well, there's just always been something beguiling about Ms. Morissette—her odd, alien-like Canadianism, her sad, wistful eyes—that we just like on screen. Anyway, here's a picture of her as Nancy's new gynecologist. Exciting.

And, hey, there are other musicians we'd like to act more. They include:

Mos Def
While pretty much every rapper decides to act at some point, Def is one of the few that can actually act. He even got credit for his stage chops, appearing in Suzan-Lori Parks' very difficult play Topdog/Underdog on Broadway in 2002. And, OK, so Def studied theater at NYU and has been acting professionally since he was a kid, but still, for a while there he was much better known as a musician than an actor, so it still sort of counts.

Macy Gray
Did you see her all weird and crazy in Training Day? Wasn't it fun? We need more of that. Sure there aren't that many parts that a raspy crazed bumblebee like Gray can actually play, but c'mon, there are enough movies that call for raspy crazed bumblebees to at least make acting a funny side-career. Will she play a bee to someone else's spider in Mama Black Widow?

Courtney Love
Speaking of crazy people. Though Love's personal life has taken a turn south over the past, oh fifteen years or so, she's fairly magnetic on screen. She did really nice work in The People vs. Larry Flynt and Man on the Moon and, hell, wasn't bad in that otherwise-bad thriller Trapped. She's rumored to be in some upcoming comedy called Mother's Little Helpers, so hopefully that's something.

Jack White
Was pleasant and poised in Cold Mountain, and deftly played himself opposite his awkward wife-friend-girlfriend-sister-whatever Meg White in Coffee & Cigarettes. He was also Elvis in that Walk Hard movie that no one saw. Do more movies that people will see, Mr. White!

Pete Wentz
Just kidding.

Obviously there are others—Cher and Dolly Parton and Reba McEntire and Jon Bon Jovi are always welcome. Who else?

BET Awards: Lil Wayne Performs Inappropriate Song With Underage Girls

Tracie — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:40:00 EDT

Last night's BET Awards were rearranged at the last minute to serve as a celebration of Michael Jackson's life. For the finale, Lil Wayne sang that he wishes he could "fuck every girl in the world" while onstage with pre-teens.

His song "Every Girl" was an odd choice to close the show that was more of a tribute to Michael Jackson than an awards ceremony. Everyone had MJ on the brain, whether it was in their acceptance speeches or conveyed in their outfits. (Host Jamie Foxx wore a succession of Michael's most famous costumes.) Artists like Ne-Yo and Ciara sang Michael's songs, and Beyoncé performed "Ave Maria" and Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" in memory of the King of Pop.

So it was weird that Lil Wayne—along with Drake and Young Money—didn't go the same route. However, it was more of an, "It's not right, but it's OK" kind of thing. Well, at least, it would've been, if he hadn't had a group of pre-teen girls dancing on stage. Take a look at the lyrics:

I like a long haired thick red bone
Open up her legs then filet Mignon that pussy
Ima get in and on that pussy
If she let me in Ima own that pussy
Gon' throw it back and bust it open like you posed' to
Girl I got that dope dick
Now come here let me dope you
You gon' be a dope fiend
Your friends should call you dopey
Tell em' keep my name out they mouth if they don't know me
Huh
But you can't call me tunecha
I'll fuck the whole group
Baby I'm a groupie
My sex game is stupid
My head is the dumbest
I promise
I should be hooked on phonics
haha
But anyway I think you're bionic
And I don't think you're beautiful
I think you're beyond it
And I just wanna get behind it
and watch you

(back it up and dump it back-
back it up and dump it back)

[CHORUS:]
Cause' we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And she like us too

I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world

[Drake:]
yea
alright
(ohh ohhh)
She be jumpin up and down
Tryna fit that ass in
Took her half an hour
Just to get that belt to fasten
All they want to talk about is partyin' and fashion
Every single night I have a dream that I am smashin
Them all
Young Money man this shit so timeless
And I'm in the mood to get faded so please bring your finest
And what are all your names again we drunk remind us
Are any y'all into girls like I am (lesbian)honest

She wants me she wants me
Cause' I got it all shawty tell me what you don't see
I will fuck with all y'all
All y'all are beautiful
I just cant pick one so you can never say I'm choosing hoes
And Wayne say pussy pussy pussy
And weed and alcohol seem to satisfy us all
Damn
And every time I think of staying with her
She bring that friend around that make a nigga reconsider man

CHORUS

[Jae Millz:]
I aint being disrespectful baby I'm just being Millz
And I don't know how fake feels so I gotta keep it real
I just wanna fuck every girl in the world
Every model every singer every actress every diva
Every high saddity chick every college girl every skeezer
Stripper and every desperate housewife that resemble eva
My role model was wilt
So married woman or milf
It don't matter who you is miss
You can get the business
Haaaa

[Gudda Gudda:]
These hoes is gods gift like Christmas
I like em caramel skin long hair thick ass
And I swear I'm feelin all y'all
I'm scrollin down my call log
And Ima call all y'all
My butter pecan Puerto Rican
She screamin out papi every time a nigga deep in
And I'm about to get my Bill Clinton on
And Hilary can Ride em' too boy I gets my pimpin on

[Mack Maine:]
And bitch Im Mack Maine -aine -aine -aine
Sanaa Lathan
Meagan Good
Angelina Jolie
Hah
D Woods
For free suites Id give Paris Hilton all-nighters
In about 3 years, holla at me Miley Cyrus
I don't discriminate, no not at all

The girls may have been family friends, or huge fans of his that he allowed on stage. I'm sure there was some kind of cognitive dissonance going on with that (there had to be!), but it was not exactly the best way to "celebrate" a man so closely associated with inappropriate relationships with children during the last two decades of his life.

But maybe Weezy was just robo tripping. That's his thing. It certainly seemed like that was the case at the opening of the show.

Oh, and what's up with Jamie Foxx hating Tyra? His looked like he wanted to puke when she hugged him.

More baffling was Tyra's weave/wig. It was waxy and weird and totally uncharacteristic of her. I think somebody needs a MAKEOVERRRRRRRRR!!!!

Beyoncé was working some different looks. She had Dynasty-sized shoulder pads:

And, mid-performance, changed into a bridal outfit:

It looked like one of those food protection tents:

While her performance was a tribute to MJ, her shoes were a tribute to Stevie Wonder's hair.

Best jewelry of the night goes to T-Pain.

Worst comeback of the night goes to all of New Edition, but specifically, Bah-bay:

Call Celine's People, We Might Not Have a 'Best Song' Oscar Category Afterall

Richard Lawson — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 11:13:00 EDT

The Oscars keep shaking things up to feel young again, a bunch of pictures lurch or glide into production, Canadians make big in American TV, and layoffs plague two LA TV stations.

Not only are the Oscars expanding the Best Picture category, they're now maybe getting rid of the silly Best Original Song award and saving us from the lengthy backslapping of the lifetime achievement awards. The Academy announced that the voting for the song award will change so that it's possible that no song will be nominated in a given year, and the old people are gonna die soon thing is going to be a private black-tie affair in November. So, we kind of win! [Variety]

Producers are gathering together to make Havana Nocturne, a 50s-set Cuban gangster tale based on the book by T.J. English. People who produced such varying fare as Hamlet 2 and Valkyrie are onboard to organize the project, which will feature a whole cross-section of Cuban life, from gangsters to street kids to revolutionaries plotting in the woods. [THR]

Nerdy it-boys of the moment Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, who wrote both Transformers 2 and Star Trek, will co-produce a new action comedy type picture called License to Steal. It's a movie about high-end, daredevil, globetrotting repo men, partly inspired by this Salon.com article. Oh, these dudes also exec-produced The Hangover, so essentially they're having the best summer of anyone ever. We're not jealous or anything. Really, we're just clawing the coffee table because we feel like it. [Variety]

Reliable old Lea Thompson has landed the role in a pilot called A Town Called Malice for director Howard Deutch. The dramedy is about a former rock star who returns to the hometown she fled when she was 16 with her daughter, who is now about that age. The two are broke and have to redo their lives. We think a better title would be Hope Floats Eastbound. [THR]

Oh, cute. Brandon Camp, who helmed the upcoming laff/weeper Love Happens with J. Aniston and A. Eckhart, will direct Relativity, about a bunch of grownup kids who go home for their parents' 30th wedding anniversary only to find out that... they're all adopted. Some guy behind the way-better-than-it-looked-I-promise Dan in Real Life will produce, so let's hope for warm/funny/secretly-wise again with this one. Seriously guys. Most underrated films of last year? Dan in Real Life and Ghost Town. Both very solid. [Variety]

Look. Some Canadian named Missy Peregrym from that show Reaper will star in a new Canadian "Grey's Anatomy about rookie cops" cop drama called Copper. It films in Toronto for 13 episodes. This wouldn't normally be news, except that everyone in American television is desperate, so ABC is actually going to air the damn thing in the States. [THR]

Fox-owned affiliates in Los Angeles KTTV and KCOP are facing major layoffs in the coming weeks. As many as 95 staffers could get the axe, including "editors, writers, shooters, promo people, our chief helicopter guy, the entire chyron department, most of the graphics department." The helicopter guy? And no more chyrons? What's the point of even watching the news, then? [Variety]

Angry Robots Push a Weeping Cameron Diaz Way Out of the Way

Richard Lawson — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 10:10:00 EDT

Pretty much everything was robots this weekend. Lots and lots of people wanted to see the robots. But other people wanted to see snarky people fall in love in Alaska. Others still wanted drunks in Las Vegas. But mostly, robots.

1) Transformers: Rise of the Fallen — $112 million
Well, actually, the damn thing grossed $200 million over its five-day opening weekend, making it the second biggest five-day haul ever, after last summer's The Dark Knight brooded through the box office. While the film doing well isn't a surprise in the least, the film doing this well is, um.... OK, not a surprise either. It has giant smashy robots! And pyramids! And, oh who the fuck cares about anything else, it has Megan Fox running and running and running and bouncing and running. Her hypnotic jiggles lulled the first Wednesday audiences into a stupor, compelling them to buy ticket after ticket after ticket this weekend. Actually, only about 500 people saw the damn thing nationwide. She's just that good.

2) The Proposal — $18.5 million
Girl, do they love them some Sandra Bullock! Holding on strongly with a mere 40% decline, this romantic comedy (with the emphasis, as is the case with most Bullock pictures, on comedy) has racked up a tidy little $69 million in just two weeks, which means it ought to teeter over the $100 million by the end of its run. Easily, perhaps. Good news for everyone involved, but most of all for Mary Steenburgen. Because why the hell not. She's just swell. Melvin & Howard 2, anyone?

3) The Hangover — $17.2 million
Naturally, the Hangover comes after the Proposal. But not too much after! As America stumbles its drunken way through yet another boozed-up summer (drinking outside = A. the reason man exists B. simply the best thing ever C. yes) they've turned to this wackadoo comedy to get the shakes off by shaking with laughter. Because he's weird in a funny way, we bet Zach Galifianakis is taking a bath in money right now. Ed Helms is probably just sitting on his porch in a rocking chair, whistling. And Bradley Cooper? Well, Bradley Cooper is probably on some sailboat right now, knee-deep in strange, writing love letters to his oft-beleaguered agent.

4) Up — $13 million
Because the little ones will get scared by giant robots chasing giant mammaries, confused by naked 45-year-old ladies chasing naked 32-year-old Canadians, and scarred by Mike Tyson chasing middle-aged men around Las Vegas, there had to be something else for them this weekend. Luckily Up has drifted through the box office for the past few weeks, collecting some $250 million in coins on its way. While children might end up being frightened of and made ponderous by the film's melancholic portrayal of the pains of life and loss, well pretty soon they're going to feel that every day of their lives, so they might as well get used to it in 3D animated form, dammit.

5) My Sister's Keeper — $12 million
This was the weekend's other "big" opener, a Jodi Piccoult weeper starring the strangely-cast Cameron Diaz and Jason Patric. Oh, plus Alec Baldwin, Abigail Breslin, the kid from Sarah Connor, and some other girl. It's about disease and dying and family and responsibility. But mostly it is about weeping. Yes, weeping in offices, weeping in cars, weeping at dinner tables, weeping in bedrooms, weeping with your arms outstretched as you ride a bicycle or something, weeping as you hug someone, weeping as you don't hug someone, weeping while on the can, weeping while not on the can, weeping for the future, weeping for the past, weeping for the ticket prices, weeping for the always-awkward moment when everyone has to shuffle out of the theater at the end of a sad movie (how are you supposed to act? so awkward!), weeping for pretty much everything there ever was. Mostly, weeping for yourself.

Which Rock Singer Converted Her Music Festival Port-a-John Into a Cocaine Lair?

Richard Lawson — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 09:27:00 EDT

Today we have an actor with a too-big head, a riot grrl who turned her Glastonbury portapotty into a coke den, an actress with a secretly miserable marriage, and a nice one about charity and people and stuff.

1) "Which A-list actor has such a steamship-sized head that he needs to special-order his motorcycle helmets?" [NYDN]

2) "Which rocker put a padlock on her portaloo, dubbing it the 'Glastonbury powder room'? She gave only her pals the code so they could use the cabin to chop-up and inhale several grams of marching powder." [Mirror]

3) "This former A list and now a B- always movie actress always likes to pretend she has the perfect marriage. Whenever she does press for a new movie like she is now she always talks about how she and her husband do everything together and seems to forget they spend about two months a year together and those are the most miserable two months of the year. Oh, her husband is an A list writer." [CDaN]

4) "These two actors were once co-stars in television and at least one movie. One is now A list and only does movies, while the other has dropped from an A list movie star to a B- list will take anything actor. Anyway, the two were at a charity sports event recently and at the event was an auction where someone could win a round of golf with the pair. Well, instead of just one winner, they surprised the audience by inviting everyone who bid on the item to play golf with them. They paid for everyone to play, a party after and gave a $100,000 donation to the charity who had sponsored the original auction." [CDaN]

Why Is CAA Doing Market Research On Michael Jackson's Death?

Foster Kamer — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 21:45:12 EDT

Monolithic agency CAA is in all kinds of cookie jars, taking percentages of all kinds of famous cookies' salaries. But did you know about their market research firm...that's crowdsourcing answers on Michael Jackson's death the night after it happened?

Ominously named The Intelligence Group, CAA's market research subsidiary "builds creative solutions for (their) clients." But their "best known division" is Youth Intelligence. According to their language they're the "premier research group focused on Gen X and Gen Y (ages 14 to 39)," to all of which I say: nice demos.

But: do the higher ups at CAA know that the swarmy pollsters Youth Intelligence put a poll out in the field only a day after Michael Jackson's death, looking to do focus group work on Jackson's demise? The email:

From: YI PANEL
Subject: the passing of michael jackson
To: [Redacted]
Date: Friday, June 26, 2009, 9:05 PM

Hello friends-

The passing of Michael Jackson was a crazy surprise, and has left many of us truly saddened. He was a pretty incredible artist whose influence on pop culture is immeasurable. Because the impact of his music, his fashion, and his talents was felt by so many around the world, we're very much interested in your reaction to his passing.

What does Michael Jackson mean to you?
What kind of impact did he have on your life?
Are you doing anything to memorialize him? If so, what?

It would be awesome if you could send us your thoughts by Sunday night - and thank you for sharing.

The Intelligence Group

Awesome, indeed. We received this email late Friday night; I contacted The Intelligence Group for comment, they have yet to get back to me.

On that note, we've got three questions for The Intelligence Group:

1. Aren't the results of this research ultimately going to be swayed and too varied due to the intense newsdump that's taken place over the weekend to be of any substantial use?

2. Market research one day after Jackson died, with the body still warm, and someone's looking for answers that will eventually lead them to build a "creative solution" somewhere?

3. Won't the gigantic celebrities CAA represents - among them, friends and cohorts of Jackson's, surely - find this a little, uh, callous?

You can reach us here with whatever answers you've got for us. It would be awesome if you could send us your thoughts by the time your CAA overlords read this. And thanks for sharing.

- Gawker Weekend

Bret Easton Ellis Thinks The Hills Is "A Modern Masterpiece"

Foster Kamer — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 14:15:22 EDT

So: Bret Easton Ellis is on the cover of expensive Amsterdam-based magazine Fantastic Man, drinking a Diet Coke. In it, he calls the soul-sucking experience that is The Hills "the greatest show that I have ever seen in my life."

The profile details Ellis' move to L.A. and comes in the middle of his writing the "sequel" to his first book, Less Than Zero (which made him a literary superstar at the age of 20), which is tentatively titled Imperial Bedrooms. The article - which isn't avalible online - paints Ellis as kind of sad and living a very existential, somewhat disconnected life. Also, he thinks The Hills is genius. The full quote, transcribed from print:

He is, however-and on this subject, he is highly animated-a huge fan of MTV's scripted reality series of the young and the monied in L.A., THE HILLS. "I think THE HILLS is the greatest show I have ever seen in my life," he says, sincerely. "It is a modern masterpiece. I think that ADAM DeVILLO is a mad genius. He creates it and controls it perfectly." Mr. ELLIS is very specific about the way he watches THE HILLS. "I'm holding off on Season 4 right now. I started watching a bit of it, but I'm waiting until the DVD comes out because I want to see it all so beautifully mastered. Even if you download the show there is that irritating MTV logo in the corner. It doesn't work for me that way. It has to be on a big screen with the sound right up. It blows me away...I'm sorry, but whoever invented HEIDI MONTAG and SPENCER PRATT are just...nothing matches it. I've never see L.A. look more beautiful in a work of art. There are no movies that are as beautiful as that."

This is why I'm never moving to L.A. Just like The City is why you should never move to New York.

He was also, interestingly enough, called out on a social networking site on a date going out ("BRET ELLIS is not a fan of social-networking sites. He has been "caught out" by someone on a dating site, though understandable doesn't care to flesh out that story. He won't try it again.").

Thing is, this makes an interesting point that I've never really considered before. The Hills is the tame, boring drug-less version of Less Than Zero (note to Hills producers: show them doing blow, and I'll watch). A bunch of severely disaffected brats, fucking around with their parents' money, creating an awe-inspiring charade of lives inextricably tied to the celebrity culture of Hollywood. This raises the question: was Less Than Zero the predecessor to The Hills? Do we blame Ellis for Speidi? Is Paul Telegdy off the hook today?

Meanwhile, Fantastic Man, which could be a test-tube baby between Esquire and McSweeny's, is kind of a fascinating product. It's a giant, pretty magazine with nice pages and a strange sense of humor. It costs $11. And it has Bret Easton Ellis on the cover, drinking a Diet Coke. This should tell you what kind of magazine it is: at once both kind of genius and a complete waste of one's time. I love it.

For example, in one issue, there is:

- A 1,000 word essay from the Editor-In-Chief of Interview on waking up with a hangover in Paris.

- A 1,000 word treatise on the greatness that is toast.

- A designation of the word "Super" as their word of the season. This is written on their masthead.

- A selection of single meals art-world people have had recently (one of them: pervy photog Terry Richardson's meal of a vegetarian burrito from Pinche Taqueria in New York. "For dessert, he had a pack of sour Skittles, also very 'yum yum.'").

- And a cover story featuring Bret Easton Ellis with nothing to promote. Did we mention he was drinking a Diet Coke?

Perez Hilton Is Scared And On The Lam

Foster Kamer — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 13:00:12 EDT

Infamous gossip monger/dirtbag Perez Hilton has maybe had the worst week of his life. And it's beginning to show: Perez is blogging scared. Is this the end for him?

Perez (née Mario Lavandeira) got a literal slap upside the head by Will.I.Am's manager earlier this week, and a few figuratively slaps upside the head by celebrities who once willingly participated in his sadomasochistic, symbiotic celebrity-industrial complex for his poor handling of Michael Jackson's death. Because of both, Lavandeira's clearly shaken, and isn't doing too well. The cracks in his mini-empire are beginning to show. Little of the trademark viciousness or salaciousness Perez typically attracts readers to his site with has been around lately. Take, for example, a handful of the stories he's posted lately:

- Pictures of Ashley Olson in Paris. Hilton's sure to point out how nice she was, according to the tipster. He also decries her smoking habit.

- Four lines about the legal documents from Michael Jackson's unpaid pharmaceutical bills. Where's the trademark Hilton "zinger" in this one? His kicker: "The case was dismissed a month later, probably as the result of a settlement."

- "NBC To Celebrate Ed McMahon." Again, a tone of reverence and sadness. We're talking about Perez Hilton on Ed McMahon, here.

- Fanboy pieces about a prequel to Inglorious Basterds in praise of Brad Pitt, as well as one about Madonna's new album title. Whee!

- Oh, and: projecting much? "Still More Work Ahead For Equal Rights" was the site's third post of the morning. It's Perez piss-poor populism in taking on an LA Times poll about California's gay marriage laws.

Since his poor handling of the Jackson story, people have been taking him to task. And not just people! But celebrities, who're just like us! They can't stand Hilton, either. Pete Wentz thinks he just needs to own up to getting the story wrong:

While John Mayer just thinks he needs to go away:

Perez is doing a bunch of "spin control," running his operation on a very tight, Press-y leash. Especially on Twitter. Now that he's alienated the gay community - even Matthew Shephard's mom won't take his money - he's sending the only people he has left, his deranged base of hardcore fans, plenty of cited messages on Twitter, highlighting and encouraging what little support for him is out there right now. He probably needs it, since advertiser money for his slightly more "family friendly" operation is going to be scarce after his very public PR fiascos.

Truth be told, Perez, cockroach that he is, probably isn't going anywhere any time soon. While more efficient ways of consuming the most brainsucking news out there surely exists, we've sadly let Perez become a brand name for gossip - like Coke, or Pepsi - and it's going to stay that way until someone's writing white lines over pictures of his faked real death or whatever. In the meantime, some of the things he prides himself most on - his celebrity "friends," the support of the gay community as someone of significance - have taken a hit past the point of no return, and there's surely more where that came from. As we all well know by now, Karma - like Perez - is kind of a bitch.

Cops Still Seeking Doc For Answers About 'Agonizing' End

Ryan Tate — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 21:36:37 EDT

Police have ruled out foul play in Michael Jackson's death, and the Associated Press is reporting the singer suffered a heart attack (not just cardiac arrest). All eyes are on Jackson's cardiologist, Conrad Robert Murray, who police have yet to interview.
Murray was apparently hired away just a couple of weeks ago from his private practice to keep Jackson healthy during his planned comeback tour. This indicates there was ongoing concern about the singer's heart; a medical finding of a heart attack would of course also point to likely heart disease. As AP puts it:

Heart attacks can indicate a long-term problem, such as heart disease. It would not necessarily rule out another factor, such as drug use, however.

Murray is said to have injected Jackson with his daily Demerol shot within an hour before the singer's death; Jackson family members reportedly believe the dosage was too high and caused his demise, despite the evidence his heart was already weak.
This is why Los Angeles police are eager to have a detailed conversation with the doctor, extending the brief interview he granted Thursday night. As of Friday evening, they still had not reached Murray.
The British tabloids, meanwhile, went into overdrive; the Mirror produced a lengthy report on Jackson's "final 24 hours in agony," which the singer entered in a "permanently medicated state, kept going by an increasingly dangerous mix of seven prescription drugs and vitamin shots."

When he came down from an artificial high, he came down hard and was being treated with various depressants to ease the crash...

Jackson complained of being ill Wednesday, the Mirror said, but later felt well enough to watch re-runs of his old performances in his rented mansion's theatre room and take notes on choreography ideas. The singer, who had trouble sleeping more than two hours straight, woke up the next morning "woozy and disoriented," according to the British tabloid. Then came the demerol shot, cardiac arrest and death.
One of Jackson's former producers has said the singer was surrounded by "charlatan doctors who were billing him thousands and thousands of dollars worth of drugs, vitamins." Murray, who left his Las Vegas practice only this month, is presumably preparing to show police he was not one of those "charlatans." Given Jackson's, err, complex condition prior to his arrival on the scene, that must be quite a task.

10 Things You May Have Missed On TV This Week

Tracie — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 16:40:00 EDT

Many weeks, we come across stupid stuff on TV that might fall through the cracks. In Mixed Bag, we collect those odds and ends, for a multimedia compilation of pop culture crap.

1.) Moms and Their Boxed Wine
After staging an intervention for her son, this woman's family then staged one for her over her Xanax addiction. She didn't want to go to rehab because of the its strict no-alcohol policy.

2.) Does Joan Rivers realize that perhaps she's gone too far with the cosmetic procedures?

3.) Did you like the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion shows?

But it sucks that they never revealed what exactly Danielle "tried" to do to Dina that Caroline was freaking out about. From the way Caroline told it, Danielle took a hit out on her. But that doesn't seem realistic. Danielle sort of hinted at what it might on her blog:

I had no idea at the time what "disgraceful" acts she was referring to. I only found out later what she was talking about, from someone in her own family. I simply gave a phone number to her ex brother-in-law to contact proper people with questions that he had concerning something that was absolutely none of my business. I was asked to give this information to him.

4.) Cop Without a Badge Guy Talks
Danielle's ex-husband, Kevin Maher, who gave up all the dirt on her in "The Book" was on The Insider talking about how Danielle is "a bisexual." She didn't really deny it though.

5.) Promise Piercings
Kids are expressing their love for each other in new and different ways, like piercings…

…And emails.

6.) More Kid Stuff
NYC Prep was alright, but not great, IMO. But I did really like this girl, who is friends with one of the cast members, but not part of the cast herself. She's down town/to earth.

She seems tipsy.

And I love the way she communicates.

7.) Snoop's Statement On Michael Jackson

8.) Snoop Getting Off The Phone

9.) Larry King And "My daddy, P. Daddy"

10.) Reading: With Kathie Lee & Hoda

Should Bruno Cut Its LaToya Jackson Scene?

Richard Lawson — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 14:15:55 EDT

Bruno is involved in the whole Michael Jackson foofaraw, of course. There's a scene in the film where the Austrian gay toys with LaToya Jackson and tries to get her brother's phone number from her BlackBerry. Should Universal cut it?

The Wrap is reporting that the studio already has nixed the scene where LaToya eats sushi off a naked Latino gardener and Bruno fiddles with her PDA. Supposedly this kind of extremely last-minute (the film comes out on July 10th) edit will cost Universal millions.

Kim Masters writes about the "controversy" in a more speculative tone, wondering if the edit is even necessary.

"It so transgresses the question of taste-you cut it, I think," says a former studio president not associated with the film. "You certainly have a conversation about it. You examine it very carefully."

A veteran marketing executive disagrees. "It wasn't like they shot it and [Michael Jackson] was 85 years old and they expected him to die," she says. "It's just another one on the list of controversial issues surrounding Brüno." But if the Jackson family asks that the sequence be deleted, she adds, that will create a problem.

The point about the expectation of death is a good one. To avoid the matter entirely, to blot it out like it never happened, seems a bit scaredy-cat. The intentions are what ultimately matter, and while Sacha Baron Cohen's intentions are never altruistic, he certainly never intended to make a morbid death joke.

But, yeah, if the family asks nicely? We say cut the damn thing. There's always the Special Edition "Wacko Jacko" DVD, after all.

The Boy with the Yellow Rose Speaks

Richard Lawson — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 12:50:54 EDT

Harvey Kindlon, the 11-year-old Boy with the Yellow Rose from London, loves singing and acting. He also likes to meet celebrities! We spoke to the poised youngster over the phone to get his side of the crazy Megan Fox story.

So how did you first hear that your picture was making the rounds on the internet?
I was walking to school and some friends came up to me and said "Harvey, you're in the newspaper." And then it was on one of the morning chat shows and I thought to myself, "Wow, this could be really big." I can't believe there's a picture of me and Megan Fox.

Why do you like Megan Fox? Are you a fan of her work, or is it a crush kind of thing?
I just really love celebrities. And I'm basically a big fan of Megan Fox. I like her work.

Tell us about what happened that night.
We'd heard she was in London for the premiere, so we decided to head down there. I picked up the rose on the way.

And when she came by and didn't take your flower, did you feel rejected?
I felt rejected. But I couldn't really tell if she'd done it on purpose. There were so many cameras around. She was moving really fast. Afterwards we ran through the hotel, but she didn't stop. I dropped the rose on the ground and went home.

Have you accepted her apology?
I actually haven't heard anything that she's said.

I see that you've met Kevin Jonas and Lady Gaga?
I've met a lot of celebrities. Only a few take pictures. Some celebrities are complete [bad word that we won't reprint because he's 11-years-old and was nervous, folks].

Who do you want to meet next?
I went after Katy Perry once, really wanted to meet her. We ran after her car. I wanted to give her a flower. Lady Gaga is going to be in London when I get back, so I'm going to try again with her.

So do you want to go into the entertainment industry when you're done with school?
I really love to sing and dance and act. I'm trying to get into a stage school in London, but it's really hard to get an audition.

I bet you'll get an audition now, now that everyone knows who you are.
I hope so.

Anything else you want to tell us?
I think I've told you pretty much everything!

Harvey is in town until Monday with his mother and godmother. They're going to see the musical Shrek tomorrow night.

For their part, Kodak, who orchestrated this whole whirlwind adventure, is giving $5,000 to both Kim the French Canadian and Collider.com who got Megan to make her apology.

So, a happy ending mostly! If nothing else, a nice trip to New York for a kid with stars in his eyes.