Gawker: defamer

The Mounting Evidence That Avatar Will Suck, Part 1

Richard Rushfield — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:34:08 EST

For over a decade, the world has waited for James Cameron's follow up to Titanic. But now that Avatar has at last arrived how are we to prepare ourselves for the fact that it might be godawful?

There is little more dangerous than a director pursuing his dream project. One thinks of such classic catastrophes as Coppola's One From the Heart, Scorsese's New York, New York or Spielberg's 1941. A director with too much freedom and a dream can lead to Citizen Kane or it can lead to The Phantom Menace. And thus far, all available signs point down the Phantom Menace path.

For starters, as has been widely commented upon, there are the distressingly Jar Jar Binks-like aliens which populate the planet where the film is set. There is the obsession with technology and its, um, various uses.

And then in the little glimpses we've seen such as the clip below, there are those nagging hints of all those things that made Titatnic so cringeworthy when it wasn't busy drowning people: two-fisted ham-handed over-acting, a laughable two-dimensional good versus evil plotline to tie together all the explosions, dialogue like "every living thing wants to kill you and eat your eyes for Jujubees," and characters named things like Colonel Miles Quaritch, Trudy Chacon, Selfridge, Neytiri and Jake Sully.

And through it all these distractingly zany looking blue cartoons with big cat noses marching around.

Well, perhaps it will all look a lot better in 3D, but in the meantime, we should all strap in and prepare for what could well turn out to be the worst movie you have ever felt obliged to see.

Watch the clip below and see if you don't get that "Uh oh" feeling in the pit of your stomach.

Via Empireonline.com

You'll Miss Paris Hilton Now That She's Gone

Richard Rushfield — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:54:43 EST

Seems only yesterday our culture was run by racism-ranting heiresses, rampaging redheads and self-mutilating pop stars. Suddenly, the whole culture is being run by bleacher-sitting T-shirt-wearing dorks who celebrate life-long commitment. This can't be good for democracy.

Where so recently we were awash in underage pole-dancing and the image of our national icons teetering on edge of self-immolation, now they demurely stand to the side, giving us space to pity them while hip hops stars try in vain to steal their thunder.

After years of seeing Parish Hilton and her set push our culture to the brink of armageddon, can it be that we have really stepped back from the precipice?

Some evidence that the tide has truly turned:

It has been nearly a year since we've had any big crazy mega-story on the level of Paris' arrest, Britney's hair cropping or Lindsay's initial lurch into insanity.
Paris Hilton has been in a quiet tabloid-free relationship for months, and her biggest play for the media spotlight has been releasing a new shampoo line.
Britney seems to have turned away from the brink of literal, not metaphoric, suicide and has released a not-at-all-a-trainwrecky album and gone a world tour from which the biggest controversy has been her onstage lip syncing.
While Lindsay continues to rage, Twitter seems to have been the right amount of rope for her to hang herself; her outbursts are now so common and so plainly on view for the world to see that they barely attract much notice.
Selling millions upon millions of albums, sweeping up every award American music has to offer, dorky, sweet, actually-scarily-talented, only-a-monster could hate, Jonas Brother-dating Taylor Swift's star has eclipsed even Miley's.
The biggest tabloid event of the season has been been Khloé Kardashian's after-all-the-fireworks, heartwarming, in-the-end-drama-free commitment to lifelong love with Lamar Odom.
The most read about actress of our times, Kristen Stewart, may indulge in a fair amount of public sulking and foster ambiguity about her relationship with her co-star, but to date she has yet to release a sex tape, openly steal a friend's boyfriend, get arrested or publicly lash out in an insane hate-filled rant. Her moods and snits are well within the bounds of pre-apocalypse young starlet divadom.
The absence of public misbehavior has been so marked that the paparazzi are having trouble even surviving.
Even the high priest of the mean girls era, Perez Hilton has been forced to start a bitchy-lite offshoot.
And the era's leading enabler, Joe Francis, is finally so deep in legal troubles that he seems on the brink of being buried by his own wretched world.

The upside of this are clear: our national solvency can't but be helped by young girls actually having positive role-models and not being encouraged to grow up into out-of-contol, drunk-on-narcissism, half-witted tabloid fodder striving desperately for negative attention.

Still, on the other hand, so many have wished Paris and Lindsay to be gone for so long, that shouldn't we be just a little bit worried that on the brink of getting our wish, we may be walking into a trap; that standing on a hill somewhere Mr. Roarke is watching our sea plane taking off and saying, mysteriously, "Yes, Tattoo, America got its fantasy of a world with no Paris, but, my friend, but at what price?"

Is a world where stars comport themselves with dignity, remember to thank their parents, refrain from swearing, never tape themselves having sex, don't steal their friends' husbands and don't Twitter in the middle of the night on meth, really what we want? Nice, earnest, stars devoted to their craft and wanting to do good for their community...you wanted it and now we've all got it. Unfasten your seat belts...the Ferrari is coming to a halt.

Dreamworks Hold on Hollywood Democrats Continues into the Obama Era

Richard Rushfield — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:22:44 EST

The White House is set to announce the guest list for its first state dinner, and among the few invitees from Hollywood are Messieurs Spielberg, Katzenberg and Geffen, sealing the DreamWorks trio's rep as any Democratic President's BFFs in Hollywood.

Sitting at the head of the political table in a one-party town is no mean feat, and for the men of Dreamworks, their lock on that much-contested position now looks to set to run into its third decade. Throughout the Clinton era, the President saw in Spielberg, Katzenberg and Geffen his veritable Hollywood soulmates in the international union of self-adoring baby boomers. The Dreamworks SKG company was in fact founded during a visit to White House, modeled in the heady sense of specialness that dominated those days.

After the diaspora for Hollywood Democrats of the Bush years, there was a mad scramble to see who would emerge as the new President's showbiz BFF, the 2008 campaign setting off a frenzy of industry fundraisers and check-writing. But when the dust cleared and when, just today, the ultimate announcement came, sitting at the head table once again was a certain trio of former partners, initialed SKG.

A couple others made the cut. Of course super-agent Ari Emanuel, having a certain White House Chief of Staff for a brother, got the nod. Also making the list, Sony Chief Michael Lynton, whom has been a heavyweight Democratic fundraiser with, as Nikki Finke outlines, ties to Obama since his first Senate run through his Chicago-raised wife.

Why however, did Obama give three of his five Hollywood seats to the retreads of the Clinton days? Why would he not use the dinner to elevate some brighter, younger activists?

Well, first there is always money. And they gives a lot of it. Katzenberg has written personal checks totally over $800,000 in the past decade while Geffen has shelled out over half a million out of his own pocket to various party coffers, not counting what they've raised from others (Interestingly, as is often the case with Hollywood fundraising the talent rarely feels the need to put much cash on the table, thinking they are doing more than enough by lending their name or showing their face. Steven Spielberg, in contrast to his partners, appears to have donated only around $100,000 from his deep as the Mariana Trench pockets.)

Geffen, of course, was a very vocal early, not just supporter of Obama's but detractor of Hilary's, publicly chastising his ex-friend in Maureen Dowd's column.

But most important perhaps, the former Dreamworks partners, perhaps more than any other showmen in the corporate age of Hollywood, look the part of elder statesmen. They have managed to consistently cultivate their public persona's — led by Spielberg's America's Director shtick — to keep themselves, through all the heavy turmoil of their career and company, looking like the grand old wise men of Hollywood; the boomers graduated into what passes in Hollywood for seriousness.

And even more than Hollywood, politics, above all, respects those who look the part. And so Hollywood's next generation of young upstarts will just have to cool their heels for a cycle or two more.

Scientologist Bart Simpson Lady Would Like to Sell You Her Son's Bed

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:43:34 EST

Nancy Cartwright is the voice of Bart Simpson. She is also a famous Scientologist. She is also selling her son's bedroom furniture for $500. Need some shelves?

Our tipster notes that Nancy is "just emailing everyone she knows, asking you to pass it on! So I did." As will we. No need to thank us, Nancy. Since you gave $10 million to Scientology, you need every penny.

Some pictures of the bed follow.

Curb Your Enthusiasm: 7 Seasons Of Susie Screaming

Tracie — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:40:00 EST

Last night was the season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and there's no telling when it will return. In honor of its ending, we compiled a montage of every single obscenity-laden Susie Greene (Essman) outburst from the series.

Which Actor Is Seducing Straight Men?

Brian Moylan — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 09:48:51 EST

Celebrity does have it's charm, but this gay actor is said to lure straight costars into bed. Compared to that, a drunk actor, a busted-haired singer, and a celeb wannabe are just rubes. Let's follow the lucky charms, shall we?

1. "There is a film that won't be in the theaters for at least another year. The schedule got pushed back because of casting issues. They were casting the male and female leads at approximately the same time. However, as soon as the female lead found out that a certain actor was ready to sign on the project, she bailed out, and the role had to be recast. The reason? The actress had some history with the actor. No, they hadn't dated before. But the actor did have a torrid affair with the actress' ex while they were dating. Instead of blaming her ex, she blamed the actor. She thinks that the actor is so charismatic and so charming that he must have manipulated her ex into doing something the ex greatly regretted down the road. There is still a lot of bad blood among the three of them. A couple of extra hints: the ex is also in the acting biz, and all three of these people usually have dark hair." [Blind Gossip]

2. "You just never know when and where you will run into a former A list television actor and producer and now a stumbling C list parody. Anyway, on Wednesday, our actor was in a drug store in Aldergrove, British Columbia, looking at herbal supplements. While he was looking a fellow customer grazed our actor with her basket. At that point our actor said, "watch where you are going," and being in Canada hip checked the woman into a neighboring shelf. The actor was in the store looking for a special herb. Why? The herb is the only one our actor trusts for eliminating the odor of booze on his breath. Our actor was also kicked out of a pizza place the night before for being drunk. The only time in the history of the place it had ever kicked out anyone." [CDaN]

3. "This female singer has a very unique hair style. She said she came up with the idea on her own. I'm sure she did after the fact. It was necessitated though by the fact she got into a fight with her idiot A list singer/producer boyfriend who took a pair of scissors and cut huge chunks of hair off our female singer's head." [CDaN]

4. "So what do you do if you are a brand new C list celebutard who in your mind thinks you are A list? Why you go up to women and start hitting on them and generally making an ass of yourself. This is especially evident when you walk up to a C+/B- list television actress from a hit for this network drama who is already known for not being friendly and who responds to the horrible pick up lines by saying, "Who in the f**k are you? Are you 12?" When the celebutard answered her our actress just laughed and turned away and told our celebutard to find someone else. Our celebutard then walked away with his bodyguard in tow. Yes, he really has a bodyguard and it really is funny." [CDaN]

Who's Tucker Max Blaming For His Movie's Failure Now?

Foster Kamer — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:30:00 EST

Oh, Tucker Max: he gave sleazy Encyclopedia Brotanica-eque website AskMen.com an interview. Given the chance to speak freely, he starts his egomanical blame game all over again. This time, blame: Middle America, The Man, His Artistry, and His Producers. Awesome!

Yeah. He went there.

He starts opining about how he wishes he had a different strategy—like to start in one city, as Paranormal Activity did—thus ironically echoing the same ethos of The Man Running Hollywood that he later rallies against: find the thing that just performed really, really well, and try to capitalize on its success. Which, whoops, too late.

See, but Max doesn't think he's The Man. He thinks he's The Artist. He's one of The People Who Create. And the people who fucked up his movie chance to become the next E.T. are not. No, really:

Look, here's what people who don't create don't understand, is that once you take money from the machine, the machine owns you. And I was just never ever going to let that happen.

Kinda wish I were an artist, so my art could be 'relevant,' bro. He goes on: he doesn't hate on Big Movies because he's an Indie Movie Guy, because, you know, Transformers would make a stupid indie movie, right? So he's an indie guy. And there's no way he could've sold this movie out to be funny, no way. He just didn't let it go down like this, man. He would've had to stab someone if they put Seth Rogen in his movie. Not happening, no way.

This movie, if we had sold it to [FOX] Searchlight, they would've put Seth Rogen and Dane Cook in it, and they would've cut all the f*cking balls out of the jokes, and they would've brought in some sh*t bird to rewrite the script who would've had Tucker have a girlfriend and this and that, and then it's like they own everything, they may have fired me… I would've stabbed somebody if they had done that. They would've fired me off the movie because they own it — I don't own sh*t anymore, but then I'm the one who has to live with all their creative decisions.

Creative decisions! Like where to put the balls in the movie. Spielberg had the same problem with the girl in the red coat in Schindler's List, which he originally wanted to call Nazis Are Fucked Up, Yo. When you make a Big Studio Movie, you only get so much creative control over the ball jokes, you know? Max goes on to cite another problem as the opening of the film in small cities liek Carbondale, Illinois, a memory that provokes him to rage: "They just don't know the f*cking movies!" But he saves the best for the people of Darko Entertainment, Donnie Darko director Richard Kelly's production company, who produced the movie.

Now, come on. Donnie Darko's a great movie and say what you will of Southland Tales, but at least there's more to say about it besides "it sucks," something many movies (like Tucker's) can't move past. Why, Richard Kelly, did you let this guy into your house?

Well, hopefully, lesson learned. Especially after this bullshit:

Darko [Entertainment] gave us all the creative freedom we could've ever wanted with the budget we had, but once the movie was done, they made a lot of decisions distribution-wise that I would not have made. A lot of things.

How about: your movie is poop, the original product is started out as was poop, you are poop, and if anybody ever lets you work in Hollywood again, they, too, are poop? Nope. Because Tucker's got dreams, man. Big ones:

Another book, Assholes Finish First is coming out next year and then English release [of the film] is New Year's — UK release. Those are the next two big things.

1. Because the British don't think we're doltish enough.
2. Because, lesson learned, Assholes Definitely Finish First. In the race to the bargain bin. Which is where all Tucker Max material will continue to land.

Meta. Bro.

Oprah: 25 Years Of Screaming Celebrities' Names

Tracie — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:00:00 EST

Television will never be the same after Oprah goes off the air in 2011. If we had a "Favorite Things" list about O, in the top spot would be the way the talk-show host introduces celebrity guests. Mashup at left.

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

10 Things You May Have Missed On TV This Week

Tracie — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:00:00 EST

In this week's compilation of pop culture crap, Martha Stewart's hatred of Sarah Palin, Spencer Pratt's spelling errors, and drunk idiots on MTV.

1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

What Actress Is Leaving Her Celeb Husband Because He's Addicted to World of Warcraft?

Brian Moylan — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:59:31 EST

Loving a nerd is one thing, but who could stand a guy constantly plugged into an online universe? Is it worse than a wife who gets frisky in a hot tub or a singer pimped out by a rap star?

1. "This married/aging actress has put up with a lot throughout her celebrity marriage. She's practically raised the kids on her own, dealt with scandals and cheating and still managed to put on a happy face on the red carpet. Within this next year, she plans to finally leave her husband and make the divorce public. The current final straw? Not other women or drugs, but an addiction to World of Warcraft. We kid you not. Not Catherine Zeta Jones" [BuzzFoto]

2. "There is an actor on a television series who seems like he would be an interesting character to live with. That might not be the case for his wife, however. A couple of weeks ago, our actor came home from work a lot earlier than usual and found his wife in the hot tub with a neighbor of theirs. The neighbor, who is also an actor, is best known for his role on a classic TV show. The wife and neighbor, who were sitting on the same side of the hot tub and were somewhat intertwined when the actor emerged from the house, both jumped up, obviously startled. The neighbor explained that they were in the hot tub together because he had pulled his hamstring muscle playing tennis earlier that day, and the actor's wife had been kind enough to let him use the hot tub, to show him some stretching exercises, and to share a glass of wine with him. While we don't know if there is a generally accepted seating plan when it comes to neighbors and hot tubs, we think that this particular arrangement sounds mighty suspicious." [Blind Gossip]

3. "This former B list tween female singer and now a messed up D has made some very bad decisions over the past year or so but none compare to the one she made at a party in the past few nights. Since breaking up with her D list reality boyfriend she has been on the lookout for someone who can help with her career and put her back in the spotlight. Well, she found a B list rap star and he has been helping her out and paying for expenses, providing her drugs and has promised to help her with her new record. Everything was going fine until the party the other night when he threatened to take it all away unless she orally serviced a few of his friends at the party. She did. Stay tuned because she is going to a bigger party this week." [CDaN]

Yahoo's Lesbian 'Don Juan' Backhands Lindsay Lohan

Ryan Tate — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:46:42 EST

Courtenay Semel, the sapphic spawn of former Yahoo CEO Terry Semel, is quoted in the lesbian magazine Curve dissing former lady friend Lindsay Lohan. Then she complains that the media twists her relationships. The nerve of this one.

Courtenay Semel, for those who are not familiar with her heiress-level fameballing, is not a shy and retiring person. A person does not make out with her attention-craving girlfriend Tila Tequila on red carpets because she mistrusts the media; a person does not scream at a club bouncer to "just fucking Google me, you dumb fuck" because she mistrusts the media; and a person certainly does not "joke" to a magazine reporter that "I'm kind of like the Don Juan of the lesbian world," as Semel did with Curve, because she mistrusts the media.

So it's odd that Semel would tell Curve that the "media kind of ruined that relationship" she had with Lindsay Lohan by saying the pair were dating. Semel added: "I can't even have a best friend because I guess I'm going to be linked with them next." But maybe she also can't have friends because she gives underminey quotes about them, like this one, from the new interview:

I think, you know, everyone scrutinizes, Lindsay for everything she went through, but they should thank her, because it shows you exactly what not to do.

That's a fairly cutting quote considering that Lohan has yet to enter rehab per Semel's urging. Of course, when Semel only went to rehab herself after her dad cut off access to the trust fund, something she left out of her little zinger. Semel, it would seem, grasps the advantages of strategic oversharing as well as the rest of her internet-bred generation; if only daddy Terry had been so savvy, Yahoo might be in a better place today.

[via People]

(Semel with heiress Casey Johnson this past May, top, via INF; Semel-Tequila pic, lower, via x17online.com)

Oprah Makes It Official: She's Leaving Syndicated TV in 2011

Richard Rushfield — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:17:58 EST

And thus an era ends. As rumored she would, Oprah Winfrey announced today that she will give up her syndicated show to focus on building her cable network.

Oprah ends a 25 year run that puts hers up with Fidel Castro and Muammar al-Gaddafi as one of the most durable dictatorships of our age. According to Variety, Oprah broke the news to her staffers today and will inform her subjects in the television audience on the air tomorrow that the dream will come to an end in less than two years. On September 9, 2011, Oprah will broadcast her last syndicated show.

She leaves to focus on the fledgling Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) which has been struggling without the presence of its namesake since it launched in partnership with Discovery.

Why Is Sandra Bullock Still a Star?

Richard Rushfield — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:13:50 EST

She's made more bombs than the Krupp Arms Works and yet Hollywood keeps giving her the keys to its kingdom. This weekend, Sandra Bullock is back again in The Blind Side.

When she burst into public consciousness, stealing the show in Speed 15 years ago, Bullock was hailed as the thinking man's starlet, a smart, tough wise-cracking throwback to Jean Arthur or Katherine Hepburn. And the residual good will of her "not a bimbo" persona still lingers on.

Well, no performer has done more to squander the public's good will than Sandra Bullock. In the decade and a half since Speed, she has accumulated a lifetime Rotten Tomatoes score of 28 (and that is helped by Oscar winner Crash in which she was only part of an ensemble.) Reading through the list of her films is like visiting the site of some epic, senseless battle and reciting the names of the fallen.

Read aloud with us then, the list of the films Sandra Bullock has inflicted upon society since her great moment (with Rotten Tomatoes scores): All About Steve (6), The Proposal (43), Premonition (8), The Lake House (36), Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous (14), Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (44), Murder by Numbers (30), Miss Congeniality (40), 28 Days (30), Gun Shy (24),  Forces of Nature (46), Practical Magic (21), Hope Floats (23), Speed 2: Cruise Control (2), In Love and War (12), Two If by Sea (12), The Net (30),

Simply awe-inspiring. Note that Bullock has appeared in three films that achieved Tomatoes scores of under ten, a fate that should not befall any actor more than once. (Nicole Kidman, for comparison sake, has made plenty of clunkers in her time but has never been in a movie that scored below 19.)

Not only are none of the movies above anything resembling good, none at first glance are even memorable as big-money makers. The list looks like a roll call of the kind of showbiz-mill cannon fodder which surfaces every weekend and vanishes without a trace.

While most of her peers — the actresses of the 90's — have already been used up and cast aside by Hollywood, somehow Bullock's reign continues. After the mawkish-looking Blind Side comes and goes this weekend, she has five more films queued up in development; five movies which, given Bullock's track-record, seem eminently judgable by their titles. So get ready for The Sprinkler Queen, Kiss & Tango, One of the Guys, Jingle and Bridesmaids.

How does this keep happening? Why does the Bullock nightmare go on and on? Let's look at some possible explanations:

• Actually, they aren't all bombs. Her latest film The Proposal was, in fact a fairly gargantuan hit, earning almost $300 million worldwide on a modestly budgeted comedy. Even Miss Congeniality 2 made more than $100 million domestic before it was done. And the rule of thumb is that if you make a hit, you get three years of moviemaking to try and get another one before you are relegated to sitcom stunt casting.

• Foreigners. Unlike many comedy stars, the Bullock brand plays well overseas where presumably people don't understand in translation how much these movies suck. Her films routinely match or top their domestic hauls while playing abroad. Congenialty 2 and The Propsal for instance, made another $100 million overseas. Even The Lake House made $62 million overseas. Compare that to Will Ferrell whose films never travel. Talledega Nights, for instance earned $143 million domestic but only $14 million abroad. His last four films have each earned less than $30 million overseas.

• She's cheap. Bullock was sixth on Forbes list of this year's highest paid actresses, earning in an estimated $15 million per film, well below what Angelina Jolie would ask to dress up your little horror film.

• She'll be in anything. As seen in the list above.

• People still like her. ."She just seems like good folk....it's that totally intangable likability factor," one still devoted fan said to me. There seems to be a teflon factor at work in Bullock in which her onscreen choices do not rub off on the public's overall sense of her. Part of that may be due to...

• She's kept down the offscreen noise. While she's been in some high profile relationships, she has not turned her personal life into the sort of tabloid soap opera that generates some heat for a while, but soon enough leads to overexposure and fan hangovers.

So with all that behind her, there's no reason why the Bullock reign can't go on forever. The more interesting question perhaps, is why does someone who appears not-completely-stupid continue to make such ghastly choices? Yes, its certainly no easy feat to find decent parts for a grown up woman, but could she really have found worse ones? Unlike most of her peers, Bullock has never felt the need to prop up her acting bona fides with any prolonged stints in indie movies or low budget drama — Crash perhaps being the notable exception.

Which leads one to the conclusion that maybe she doesn't care. She's come to Hollywood haul off as much loot as she can, audiences be damned. Sandy, there's many people still, amazingly, waiting for you to prove that that's just not so.

Nicolas Cage: The Worst Actor of His Generation

Mike Byhoff — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:41:14 EST

Nicolas Cage is completely broke. One theory is that he spent money more frivolously than the people who paid to see Wicker Man in theaters. Our theory at Gawker.TV is that he is the worst actor ever. Here's proof.

Honestly, trimming down bad acting moments throughout Nic Cage's career may just be one of the hardest jobs in editing.

For our masochistic readers, clips sourced from: Vampire's Kiss, Con Air, National Treasure 2, Ghostrider, Snake Eyes, Wicker Man, City of Angels, and The Rock.

Sincerest apologies go to all the interns who were forced to watch these movies.

Glee: Don't Stand So Close to Us

Brian Moylan — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:05:10 EST

It's a testament to the power of this show that it manages to be great even with an hour that is inundated with slow, sappy songs. We weren't into the inspirational music, but Glee is still our endless love.

While it wasn't as great as last week's cry fest—guess that's what happens when deprived of Sue Motherfucking Sylvester for an entire episode—it was still a good time with a few chuckles, some surprising turns, and a whole lot of ballads. Yuck. But as always, it's the music we come for so let us see what we can decipher from this Lite Jazz station of an episode.

"Endless Love": Poor Lionel Richie. Babygay Kurt gave Diana Ross a shout out but the man who wrote this duet doesn't even get a mention. Burn! That wasn't the only diss last night, but the night really centered on everyone being totally crushed out.

The most obvious was Rachel on Mr. Schuester. This was a very unfortunate plot development. While it was really funny for an episode, the complicated codependency of these two would be much more interesting for the long run. Before last night, they both needed each other—Rachel to get famous and Will to win regionals—but neither liked each other. They had a tentative alliance that constantly put each other at odds. What a dynamic! It made Rachel's switch from disdain to adoration totally unbelievable.

More believable was Kurt's love for Finn. As a young babygay dealing with high school torment, BG Kurt crushes out on the first hot guy to pay him even the slightest bit of kindness and attention. The best part is that Babygay Kurt is doing just what Fred Phelps always accuses the gays of: recruiting. If only he could get Finn to ditch the bitch and make the switch, but it's going to take a few heartbreaks before BGK learns the first lesson of queendom: crushing on straight guys only leads to pain.

Speaking of which, we love that Puck doesn't wear underwear. Hey, we're not crushing out on him, but we sure are going to fantasize. He keeps fantasizing about his endless love for Quinn, and he finds it unfair that even though he is the babydaddy, she's bringing Finn home to meet the parents.

Also a nice touch was the slight dollop for a reminder that Emma is in love with Will. The writers didn't obsess over it, but used it for a few pivotal scenes. Same goes for Terri and her fake baby, which was a great punchline when she was dealing with Rachel, but we didn't have to listen to her blather for more than a few minutes at a time. Instead of a whole, heavy meal of these characters, we just got a perfect amuse bouche (I learned that from Top Chef!).

"I'll Stand By You": I don't know about you, but I only love Chrissie Hynde when she rocks out, not when she gets all sappy like in this very popular but underwhelming hit that Finn sings to the sonogram of his unborn child.

It's sweet that he wants to do what is best for himself and his child, and when he snapped at Kurt about everyone trying to make him be something he's not, he tellingly snapped. Quinn wants him to be a provider, Coach Tanaka wants him to be a baller, Mr. Schue wants him to be a star, Rachel wants him to be the Tony to her Maria, and Kurt wants him to be a gay. Well, he's not really any of those, and no one ever really thinks about what Finn wants. What he wants more than anything is to be a dad to his baby, and Quinn isn't even letting him do that. Speaking of which, is she still giving the baby to Terri? Is she going to put it up for adoption? Raise it herself? We're not sure, but babies make everything boring, so we hope it goes to a convent or a farm upstate or something.

When Finn was singing this song alone, we thought that the opportunity for greatness that would be a duet between him and Babygay Kurt would be lost (oh, if only he got to sing "I Honestly Love You"!). But no, they did something even better with it. Even though it was for his own dubious ends, it was nice that BGK could be an ally for Finn the whole episode. Sure, his advice backfired, but it's swell to see him making something close to a real friend. Our hopes for Kurt is that he meets a nice boy in another choir and they fall in love and go to to karaoke night with Mercedes every Thursday, but he still gets to be friends with Finn. We don't see straight boys and gay boys have platonic friendships on TV very often, so it would be a nice change of pace.

"Don't Stand So Close to Me"/"Young Girl": Are we still doing mashups? I would complain, but this one was actually good—maybe even better than The Police original, which does get a little monotonous after a bit. Still, it was an effective way for someone to tell another party to get away and start behaving correctly.

Of course Will was directing this at Rachel who totally lost her mind when she fell in love with him. Gold stars are obviously her thing, but did she really think he would wear that tacky tie? After she showed up to school in her Burberry print top, we guess she would. Don't her gay fathers see what she's wearing before she leaves the house? Anyway, Mr. Schuester was right to put an end to her advances, which were only going to cause them both pain. If only Terri got the memo, who thought to exploit Rachel for her cooking, cleaning, and craziness skills. Never having been one, I can't say with certainty, but it seems like all teenage girls are a little bit insane. No wonder Rachel won't listen to reason. And Emma was channeling her inner Twilight fan when she and Rachel watched Will sing. It was as if he was Robert Pattinson walking the red carpet and they were the only two ladies trying to claw their way past the barrier just to touch the jacket of Edward Cullen (If you are an old, insert The Monkees for Twilight and Davy Jones for Robert Pattinson).

Strangely enough, it was Suzie Pepper (Wendy's schizophrenic daughter) who had to talk some sense into Rachel. The only thing that could get through to her was a girl who burned a hole in her esophagus eating the world's hottest pepper in a fit of pique after being rejected by Will. Suzie really did Rachel a favor and pointed out that her lack of self esteem makes her choose men who are unattainable. Wow, she's right. Funny how that works. Since Rachel has internalized all the hatred of her peers and thinks of herself as an ugly dork, the only person who would love her is undeserving. And Will's pep talk after she "breaks up" with him was very nice and heart felt. Are these two on the way to becoming true allies? God, I hope not.

However, the best "step the fuck off" of the night came from Mercedes. When her duet partner Puck (now that is a wasted opportunity!) confessed that he is the father, she didn't do the predictable TV thing and go and tell everyone and ruin Quinn and Finn and Puck's lives. No, she kept her big trap shut and told Puck that he better step off as well. Quinn had chosen another man, and if he really loved her, he would respect her wishes and keep away. And you do not mess with Mercedes, so Puck did the smart thing and took his mohawk home and planned the next day's outfit—commando, of course.

"You're Having My Baby": If it were possibly to go back in time Terminator style and kill Paul Anka before he wrote this song to stop it from ever coming to pass, then we would try.

So, yeah, Finn sings this song to Quinn's drunkard parents as a way to let them know what is going on. The song sucks, but watching their faces go from bopping along and enjoying the song to figuring out that he means the lyrics quite literally was brilliant. They freak out and kick Quinn out of the house. If only her father were a little bit less cartoonish, the scene in the living room where he kicks her out and she protests might have hit a little closer to home, but still it was quite effective. The real tears came when she confronted her mother for knowing that she was pregnant and not being there for her. How could a woman let someone kick her child out of the house? Let's hope she puts some poison in her husband's scotch and invites Quinn and the baby to live with her (Team Quinn!) after he's dead.

It's a stark contrast to Finn's mother, who handles the news remarkably well. She's not happy, but she knows there is no changing the past, and the best thing she can do is help to manage a bad situation. When she is kind enough to invite Quinn to move in, well, that's how this show goes about breaking your heart with rainbows just about every week. This woman knows a thing or two about raising a baby alone, and she extends the invitation as much to help Quinn as she does to support her son. That is the way parenting should be done.

"Lean on Me": There is something about this Bill Withers classic that just makes me whither inside. Maybe it's because it makes me think of the Morgan Freeman movie of the same name, or maybe it's just the schmaltzy sentimentality that makes me mental, but I can't stand it. As far as this cover version goes, the arrangement was quite good (way to kill it at the end Mercedes!) but the sound was totally fucked up. There is no way those 10 kids in a school rehearsal room could make a sound that huge and grand. The sound has been way better in recent weeks, lets hope that they can sort all the mixing issues out before the end of the season.

While that may be messed up, the song selection has managed to be off-kilter and not obvious, even if we don't enjoy every number. This week also showed some great musical grace notes, like Rachel trying to sing "Crush" in the car with Will and Suzie Pepper crying to "More than Words" before choking on her chili.

The message of the song was spot on. It was great to see another episode of storylines revolving around the kids and the plot moving a bit more slowly. Now that we've established how they all help each other out, it was a little bit more believable when everyone offered to help Finn and Quinn carry the burden of teenage pregnancy and shacking up together in Finn's mom's house. While rounding out the show, it also did a little bit to advance the overall narrative of the season, by showing that Kurt and Puck may have backed off for now, but they're crushes are far from over.

The most shocking thing about this whole night though was that the show doesn't need to lean on Sue Motherfucking Sylvester to be good and hysterical. Sure, we would have loved for her to come down on high and let us know how Sue Cs it and deliver the best line of the night, but at the end of the episode, we felt like we got our money's worth without her. That doesn't mean we can't wait for her to be front and center next week though!

The Vampires Are Coming! Lock Up Your Checkbooks

Richard Rushfield — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:57:30 EST

In a few months, after New Moon leaves the theaters, we will celebrate the milestone of being halfway through our national Twilight journey, with only two more films to go. But first we have to get through this weekend.

• After all the build-up, the actual film seems rather beside the point. But New Moon is here and looking to do the box office what vampires do to their victims, except not leaving them dead, but rather filled up with money. The second installment of the Twilight series has already become the all time online ticket sales champion. In it's opening weekend it is expected to rake in in the range of $85 million domestic, although there is some buzz that it could, just possibly, if we can dare to dream, break the magic $100 million opening weekend figure. [Hollywood Reporter]

• And if you are worried that what with there only being a couple Harry Potter movies left and Twilight being half over, that we might soon be running out of fantasy mega-cycles at our multiplexes, set your mind at ease, help is on the way. Lorenzo di Bonaventura yesterday nailed the rights to produce a film adaptation of the six chapter literary fantasy series The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel. Bonaventura, Variety notes, presided over the launch of the Potter series which has currently grossed $5.38 billion worldwide while he was head of production at Warner Brothers. [Variety]

• Oscar's got a new director. The fantastically named Hamish Hamilton, veteran of directing live concert events will take the Academy's baton under producers Bill Mechanic and Adam Shankman. [Variety]

• The Academy however, majorly dissed its once darling Michael Moore. His latest installment of the Michael Moore Yells at The Rich cycle Capitalism, A Love Story, failed to make the short list of 15 films up for the Best Documentary prize. The list which included favorites Valentino: The Last Emperor, The Cove and Every Little Step, will be winnowed down to five nominees in February. [The Wrap]

• Forbes has done the math on the most-overpaid stars in Hollywood, coming up with a showbiz equivalent of a PE ratio, calculating how much their movies gross for every dollar they are paid. Topping the list: Will Ferrell whose films earn a mere $3.29 for every dollar he has paid. [Forbes]

• The New York Times reports on how early very obscure Oscar buzz for Jeff Bridges' performance as a country singer in Crazy Heart transformed a movie that its distributor had deemed unreleasable into a major awards contender. [NY Times]

• Asked in an interview with CNBC's Erin Burnett about the pending sale of NBC/Universal to Comcast, CEO Jeff Zucker was tight lipped, saying "I'm incredibly interested to see what will happen...Time will tell." Asked about his decision to upend NBC's schedule with the Jay Leno Experiment, Zucker deflected the question, focusing on the show's spin, saying he thought it was unfortunate that the move had been portrayed as part of a cost-cutting strategy and that its just about making great shows. His team is focused on doing "whatever it takes to put on the best television," he said, which is something less than saying either "We are committed to giving Jay as long as he needs to find an audience" or, on the other hand, "What the hell have we done!?" [Hollywood Reporter]

Which Boozy Star is Beating His Family?

Brian Moylan — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 10:08:03 EST

Falling off the wagon can be dangerous, especially for a violent drunk. Not nearly as bad, there's a pudgy pregnant actress and a hunky star with a lesbian girlfriend. Let's circle those wagons, folks, and start guessing.

1. "This Hollywood Nice Guy Actor is actually anything but. We hear rumors, but cannot confirm, that he is actually very physically and verbally abusive to his spouse and family. This happens when he drinks mostly, but lately, he's back into the hard, hard drugs and then his antics get worse. He has brought women home and the wife has had to be the one to kick them out and help sober up the star. She's staying with him because she believes it would hurt the children more if they separated and she's worried about public image. Not Matt Damon." [BuzzFoto]

2. "There has been a lot of speculation over the past couple of months about her weight gain. Well, she's pregnant. However, due to a previous miscarriage, she will not be announcing until the cocoon is well into the second trimester. Will she start wearing more clothes when she becomes a mother? We hope so. Frankly, we think the girl is way too obsessed with spandex." [Blind Gossip]

3. "This really good looking A list movie actor has always had some questions raised about his sexuality. It turns out though that his female significant other is the one who, with the full knowledge of our actor has had a very long term affair with another woman who is also her business partner." [CDaN]

Black Eyed Peas Manager to Walk Free After Perez Hilton-Punching

Richard Rushfield — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:39:34 EST

From the start it has been one of the most annoying criminal cases, and now it's ending as irritatingly as it began. Canadian prosecutors dropped assault charges against Black Eyed Peas manager Liborio Molina after he apologized to Perez Hilton.

The contretemps began back in June after Molina punched Hilton outside the MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto. Hilton had been a persistent annoyed of the band and apparently bugged them one step too many. Hilton immediately followed up his punching by twittering about it, asking his fans to call the Toronto police, ("I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke") and then posting a sobbing video telling of his punching online.

The assault provoked a flood of non-sympathy towards Hilton from the world's celebrity community.

Well, today the court case reached its conclusion, going out with as whiny a note as it began. Outside the courthouse in Toronto Molina's lawyer read his legally mandated statement of contrition saying, " 'I apologize for what I did on June 22 of 2009, even though you engaged in highly offensive comments, including a homophobic slur to my clients, I acknowledge that these kinds of issues should not be resolved through a physical response,"'

Hilton then responsed through his attorney quibbling with the apology before grudgingly accepting it. "Although accepting the fact that he shouldn't resort to violence, he attempted to say that there was a precipitating cause," Hilton's lawyer, Brian Greenspan, said afterwards. "A sincere apology is a sincere apology."

And so all live on to annoy another day, while the record stands that in Canada apparently you can punch Perez Hilton and perhaps not go to prison.

Michael Lewis —

Gabriel Snyder — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:58:07 EST

expressing disbelief at the studio system that rushes to turn The Blind Side into a schmaltzy Sandra Bullock vehicle but will never, ever make a movie of his seminal Wall St. book Liar's Poker, to New York's Vulture.

Hollywood Writers: Yep, We're Still Mostly White Guys

Richard Rushfield — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:28:14 EST

Across the spectrum of diversity standards, Hollywood's bar hasn't been raised since Robert E. Lee sat on his plantation porch swing. A new report put out by the Writers Guild of America/West details its complete lack of progress on all fronts.

From transparency to rational investing to sexual harassment to pay equity to discriminatory hiring practices, Hollywood is ruled by behind-closed-doors, old boy wheeling and dealings in a way that no other industry has enjoyed since the Gilded Age. Slice it any way you like — along gender lines, minority employment, elderly discrimination; hiring or pay equity — and Hollywood will show you numbers and trends that are absolutely dismal.

This is the second study conducted by the Guild with annual data now covering 2003 through 2007. They note in the introduction to this year's executive summary that the first report in 2007 had called for "rethinking business as usual in the industry." Today, they write:

Despite this clarion call, the report finds little if any improvement in the employment and earnings of diverse writers in the entertainment industry. Women remain stuck at 28 percent of television employment and 18 percent of film employment. The minority share of film employment has been frozen at 6 percenct since 1999, while the group's share of television employment actually declined to 9 percent since the last report. Although women and minorities closed the earnings gap with white men in television a bit, the earnings gaps in film grew.

These findings are clearly out of step with a nation that elected its first African-American President in 2008, a nation in which more than half the population is female and nearly a third is non-white.

There are lots of jaw dropping goodies in the report. We've collected some of the report's best graphs below. Enjoy this look by the numbers of life inside Hollywood, the conscience of the world.