Deadspin

The Perfect Gift For The Kris Brown Fan In Your Life [Wake Up Deadspin!]

Barry Petchesky — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 06:30:00 -0500

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•Dear Texans fans: What the fuck? It would be wrong to paint an entire fanbase with the same brush as the twisted mind who created this...companion, but, yeah, that's pretty much what I'm gonna do.

•A real, practicing judge took the time to rule the Happy Gilmore running swing illegal in the province of Nova Scotia. This is what happens when your court system isn't clogged up with frivolous lawsuits and Guantanamo detainees.

•The talented QB who's unjustly hated because of the snobby team he plays for is likely to be under center this weekend, despite his head injuries. Roethlisberger or Clausen?

•Abe Pollin, the longest tenured owner in the NBA, died yesterday at 85. The Wizards honored his memory with a 1-point win over a 4-9 team.

•Despite a win, Liverpool don't make the Champions League round of 16. This was news to me, as I was under the impression that the soccer season finished Sunday night in Seattle.

•The official douchebag bar of the Upper East Side (Mad River, for those in the know) apparently doubles as a Wisconsin Badger bar, and they could face charges for selling a Wisconsin beer that's not licensed to be sold out of state. Also not licensed to be in NYC: college football.

•••••

Your regular hosts will be with you shortly. Don't forget to starve yourself today.

Doing Porn The Natural Career Move For NBA Dancer [Nba]

Barry Petchesky — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 03:30:00 -0500

Atlanta dancer Briana — sorry, "Brandy Blair" — puts her flexibility, gregariousness, and scary fake boobs to good use at her new job. Ironic how the Hawks start to tear it up as she starts getting torn up. [PR Newswire]

Ex-Knick Finds Out That Crack Can Kill [Sad]

Barry Petchesky — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:00:00 -0500

Dean Meminger is in critical condition after a fire that investigators say was caused by a crack pipe. Several recently-used crack pipes were found in Meminger's apartment. Ruh-roh.

Dean the Dream was referred to as a "star" in the local tabloids today, but he's remembered insomuch as he backed up Frazier and Monroe on the Knicks' last title team. He's talked about his long battle with substance abuse, but I can't imagine a better wake-up call than the four-alarm fire that consumed a row of homes in the Bronx Sunday night.

Meminger, whose son is a reporter for New York 1, was recovering in the burn unit at Jacobi Medical Center yesterday after suffering significant smoke inhalation in Sunday night's four-alarm fire.

The beloved member of the Knicks' 1973 world championship team was living in an SRO on Findlay Ave. in Claremont and was found unconscious near his bed after the fire ignited at 9:40 p.m., officials said.

Several crack pipes that appear to have been recently used were found inside Meminger's room and in the hallway of the small dilapidated building, according to FDNY sources.

Would it be too negative to assume that James Dolan is somehow responsible for the deteriorating physical and mental health of a player who retired 30 years ago?

Dozens Left Homeless By Concourse Village Fire [NY1]

This Policy Would Bankrupt The Adams Division [Soccer]

Barry Petchesky — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:30:00 -0500

After a shameful 9-1 thumping at Tottenham, Wigan's players will personally reimburse fans for their tickets. However, the trip from Greater Manchester to London was the first time Latics supporters experienced culture, and as such won't be refunded. [Wigan Athletic]

PETA And Skynet Team Up To Take On U Of Georgia [College Football]

Barry Petchesky — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:00:00 -0500

Because nothing even remotely animal-related can happen without PETA getting involved, the animal rights organization is recommending that the recently deceased Uga VII be replaced with an animatronic bulldog. And this is how the robot war begins...

From an email sent to Georgia's athletic director:

In the wake of the untimely death of the University of Georgia's (UGA) bulldog mascot, Uga VII, PETA has asked the school's athletic director, Damon M. Evans, to replace the mascot with an animatronic dog—or to rely solely on a costumed mascot—instead of using another real bulldog. Bulldogs are prone to breathing difficulties, hip dysplasia, heart disorders, and other congenital ailments, and acquiring a dog from a breeder perpetuates the animal overpopulation crisis while causing another dog waiting in an animal shelter to be condemned to death.

"It is time for the university to put an end to the cycle of suffering endured by dogs who are brought into the world solely to represent the school's 'brand'," says PETA Assistant Director Kristie Phelps. "By choosing a humane alternative to the use of live animals as school mascots, UGA can show that compassion always wins."

So, let's summarize. Let's stop plucking bulldogs from anonymity to live a pampered life where they receive all the attention and care they could ever need, because they have a ton of defects. It's almost as if PETA would love to do away with bulldogs altogether, perhaps eliminating them in some sort of Doggie Dachau. In fact, it sounds like PETA doesn't love animals very much at all.

Let's leave aside the suggestion of sticking with a costumed student, which is more inhumane than any puppy mill, and concentrate on this robot dog idea. It is madness. If Georgia's teams were perhaps named the "robotic bulldogs," they'd have an argument. But Uga VIII should come from a long line of dogs who lived hard, and died heroes.

Would schools replace our players with robots because football isn't good for their health? Would Yale opt for a robotic coach who plays the percentages and punts on 4th-and-22? Bad example, but my point is that I've seen a lot of movies about robots, and they rarely end well for humanity.

PETA: Replace UGA VII With a Robot [WGAU]

Baby Tressel Is A Sharp Dresser [Whimsy]

Barry Petchesky — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 21:30:00 -0500

Concerned reader Robert is worried that regular Mangino won't be with us much longer, so his baby form will go wanting. So he presents the world with Baby Tressel. Thoughts?

Monster 6-Year-Old Lays Opponents The F**k Out [Football]

Barry Petchesky — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:00:00 -0500

There's always one football player who's bigger and faster than everyone else. In preps, it's infuriating. In college, it's awe-inspiring. But in Pop Warner football, it's hilarious and makes you revel in tiny children getting wrecked. [With Leather]

The Haughty Drunken Excess That Is Harvard-Yale In Pictures [Duan!]

DAULERIO — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:00:25 -0500

Each year during "The Game" (which most tailgaters do not even pay attention to) the blue bloods invade the yard and show off their finest Ivy League elbow-bending techniques. It's like a beer-sopped L.L. Bean catalog come to life.

By the looks of these photos, most of these fine upstanding individuals seem to be conducting themselves just like most other sots would during a tailgate.

If you're featured in this photo gallery, please do not fucking email me to complain about how you will get fired from your job that pays you way too much money. Your names aren't listed. Let's keep it that way. If it upsets you that much, try to convince your friends not to post all of your shenanigans on Facebook. Or, you know, don't get arrested for public urination.

In fact, be more like this guy:

Who's that kid, I need to send him a congratulatory email.

Same thing happened to me in 1987 at Yale Bowl in New Haven. Couldn't get out of the Bowl to piss, so went to the back and pissed on the press box. Perp walked, paddy wagoned, spent the game sitting on a concrete floor in a pile of cigarette ash in New Haven lockup. A lot warmer than the subzero bleachers, I have to say.

I think New Haven PD loves "The Game", they get to bust Yalie f*@ks and — in a nice two-fer — little Harvard f@#ks while they're at it. Fish in a barrel

Full report on Saturday's game coming tomorrow.

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry's here soon.

(Photo: DPShow)

Spartans Get Early Jump On Off-Season Distractions [College Football]

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:00:00 -0500

Several Michigan State football players may have participated in a ski-mask wearing, face-punching group attack on a campus residence hall. I only have one question: Does this count against involuntary practice limits? [The State News]

Deadspin Readers Are Watching You Bone [Balls Deep]

Drew Magary — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:35:42 -0500

Time for your Deadspin Open Mailbag Tuesday. Email us here or submit your questions via Twitter. This week, we're covering peeping toms, volume fights, virgin toilets, and more.

I lost my remote the other day, which caused me to have a heart attack and seizure simultaneously. Remote control location is a real problem when you have two kids. The baby thinks it's a fucking chew toy and always grabs it to slobber all over it. The three-year-old wants to operate the TV with it but is too young and stupid to figure it out. So it always ends up under a couch cushion, or some other goddamn place. And I myself am always leaving it in random place after another: on top of the TV, on the desk, on the kitchen counter, etc. I never leave it in one place, which makes me an idiot. I used to always leave it on the armrest of my chair, but the little fuckers can reach it there.

What the world needs is a remote control pager. A quick Google search reveals other people have thought of this idea, but no one's ever put it into practice, which is crazy. Your cordless phone has a pager on the base if you lose it. You just push the button and the handset beeps. It's awesome.

The problem is that most remote controls are universal remotes that come with the cable box issued to you by your cable company. That renders your TV remote all but worthless. All universal remotes need to come with a little paging device you can stick on top of the TV or the cable box. So you can push it, and find out the remote is stuck in the dog's rectum. I need this because losing the remote control is up there on the list of things I'm always terrified of losing. I'll look around, see the remote is nowhere in sight, and my fear grows exponentially by the second as I slowly to come realize I cannot locate it. Here's that list, very hastily assembled:

1. Last M&M in the bag
2. Wallet
3. Cell Phone
4. Keys
5. iPod
6. Camera
7. Remote Control
8. Baby

Onto the mail. We start, as always, in the poop department:

Sports Pun

Am I the only one who takes a peek, mid-movement? There's a sense of deep satisfaction in seeing how far up the bowl you can make that coil...coil. I just like to keep tabs, see how my progress is.

I also check mid-movement because I find that, if I check AFTER I've wiped, the wad of toilet paper obscures my view of my masterpiece. Did I lay down a packet of gravel, or did I pump out a Burmese python? I need to know. That's MY poop. It's got MY name on it and it's going out into the world. So, really, you have no choice but to look pre-wipe if you want a proper assessment.

HoC:

Has becoming a father made you more of a pussy? Before I had kids I could watch any horrific story, movie, newscast whatever and not be overly affected. But now, it doesn't take much to start some water works.

Yup. HUGE pussy. Any Pixar film completely ruins my shit. It doesn't even have to be a movie or anything like that. Just show me a print ad with some parent hugging their child. OH MY GOD! LITTLE JUNIOR! I HUG HIM JUST LIKE THAT! WHERE DOES OUR YOUTH GO?!!! I also wince at movie violence more than I used to, which bothers me. I used to be totally desensitized to movie violence. Now, seeing someone get sliced in half actually AFFECTS me, which is terrible.

Also, to go on a complete tangent, I get into enormous fights with my old lady over the volume of the television. She's always badgering me to turn it down so the kids don't wake up. And I'm like, "Woman, I can't FUCKING HEAR WHAT THE FUCK THE PEOPLE ARE SAYING NOW." "Well, I can." "Well, cram it. I'm turning this shit up." It's the worst during movies, because I have to jack it up to hear the dialogue, then turn it way the fuck down during the screaming and gunfights and shit. And so I can't get INTO the fucking movie because I'm always worried that the goddamn thing isn't going to be too loud for her tastes. Even if she's NOT around, I'm mindful of the volume now. I'm brainwashed! GAH!!!! In fact, let's make that another question to ask women before you propose to them:

"I know you have the hearing of fucking Spiderman. But I can't hear shit. So will you please let me turn up the fucking volume and leave it in one place during the fucking movie so I can live peacefully?"

Travis:

BACON MUG!

Mmmm… cop o' pork.

Donovan:

My daughter is now 16 months. At what age to I have to start changing my TV viewing habits? Last winter we were avid Dexter and Wire viewers. Is it now wrong for her to see a naked John Lithgow cutting up some broad in the tub?

From personal experience, I don't have a single memory from when I was younger than three. So I'm certain that nothing I saw before that affected me in any way, shape, or form. Now, excuse me while I go dissect this living cat.

The real question is, why is your kid up when Dexter and The Wire are on? I was in New York last week, and every retard parent in that town keeps their kid up past 10PM and drags them out to restaurants and movies and shit. You are a lousy parent if you do this. Lock the kid in the room at 7PM every night until they learn to fall asleep at a normal kid time. "But Drew, I work and I never get to spend quality time with my kid if I don't let them stay up late! WAHHHHH!!!" Shut up and die. Your kid's a fucking brat and I hope he falls into a river.

So, asshole, how hard are you going to make it to get into the mailbag? Two straight weeks I've submitted a question, no answer. I write to your mailbag because I know I'll never make it to Simmons'. You're like the younger sister of the hot chick I want to bone who I like enough to get me off, but only if I put a flag over her head and bang her for the USA.

Wait wait, so I'm a FOREIGN chick?

Hank:

Hey, I saw this last week and don't know if anyone has pointed you to the latest from Peter King's roadtrip pal Ross Tucker but there was a comment in his most recent mailbag that I found quite remarkable in its cultural relevance cluelessness.

Reader: Perry Fewell? I was wondering what happened to the guy after Jane's Addiction broke up. Did Dick Jauron deserve the axe? — Stefan van den Abeelen, San Jose, Calif.

Tucker: I don't own an iPod and the last CD I bought was the Rocky IV soundtrack in ninth grade, if you can believe that. So I don't get your musical reference, unfortunately.

Doing the math, this makes Ross about the same age as me (36). I guess for him, music reached its creative zenith with Survivor, Kenny Loggins & Gladys Knight, and Vince DiCola.

Your math is wrong. Tucker is actually 30 years old, three years younger than me. He grew up outside Reading, Pennsylvania and he attended Princeton. So that is weird. How the fuck do you go through high school and fancy pants college in the 90's without encountering Jane's Addiction at some point? A song? A CD case? A poster? Bizarre.

I also don't understand people who aren't "into" music. I'm not saying you have to be a music nerd. I'm talking about people who have NO interest in any music of any kind. People like Tucker, who have never bought CD's or anything like that. What's that? Music? That thing people do when they want to transcend spoken communication by adding rhythm and harmony? Why would I be interested in such a thing?

Anon:

Wife and I live on the alley-side of a walkup, directly facing the building next door. Our buildings are basically the same, so our bedroom is directly across from theirs, etc etc. Pretty soon after we moved in, I (and not my wife) realized our curtain-less neighbors liked to have lots of loud sex, for over an hour, roughly 5 times a week. Multiple crazy positions. Lots of oral. How did I realize this? Because they have no curtains.

Now, believe me, this is fucking awesome. The guy is a mirror image of me (Overweight and hairy, what could be better?) and she is pretty cute, big rack, and way out of the guy's league. However, this setup is causing me 2 specific problems.

1. I can't fall asleep when I know this is going on. In fact, I wait for my wife to fall into a deep sleep, get up and go to the window, and furiously jack off.

2. The quality and length of their sex depresses me

I need some help here.

1. Am I a sick pervert for watching, or does the fact that they are putting it out there, make it my DUTY to watch and jerk?

2. How do I get over said depression when comparing their life to mine?

Is your wife deaf or something? How does she not notice all that loud sex? Does she think there's a bat in the crawlspace? Anyway, I think it's creepy for you to jerk WHILE watching your neighbors fornicate. The polite thing to do is watch, then go to the bathroom and jerk it out from the insta spank bank. That's the ethical way of doing it.

I'd point out the hot next door action to your wife. At best, she'd get kinda turned on by it. At worst, she forbids you from watching, and your ethical dilemma is solved for you.

Sean:

If you are splitting a pizza with your wife, what is the appropriate split?

I say 60/40 for men is appropriate. You know you want it to be 70 or 80% in your favor, so only taking 60% is being quite the gentleman.

Yeah, 60/40 is about right. But it's true, I'd eat all but one slice if I could get away with it. The worst is when there's a slice left on the pie that your wife doesn't want, and then she gives you that look like, "YOU shouldn't want to have it either." FUCK. THAT. I'm eating the shit out of that last slice.

I've also occasionally misjudged when my wife was finished with her meal, and begun eating her leftovers before obtaining proper permission. She had half this slice of pizza on her plate the other night that was sitting there for a good ten minutes. I thought she was done. Who just pauses forever midway through a slice like that? WOMEN. Anyway, I grab it and dig in, and she's like, "OY! I wasn't finished!" And I'm like, "Well, you should have hurried the fuck up, missy."

Matt:

Can we nominate a new national anthem? "This Land is Your Land" gets my vote.

No. Everyone bitches about the Anthem. WAHHH THE HIGH NOTES ARE TOO HIGH. Whatever. It's fine. If you decide to change it, the assholes who love "God Bless America" will try and have it takes its place, and I fucking hate that song.

Brian:

I like to pregame with a Mike's Hard or two to get the buzz started in order to avoid chugging too much beer too fast. I want to know, is it too much of a pansy move to use Mike's Hard instead of beer (cause I can chug it like water) or should I keep doing this in secret?

Keep it hidden. Mike's Hard Lemonade is for queers. UNLESS YOU GOT TO HOLY FACKIN CRAWSS!

John:

I'm a normal 25 year old guy who likes a good tug in the morning as much as the next guy, but my mom has three of these goddamn little dogs running around. I had one on the couch that I was sleeping on (at the foot of the couch) and I decided I wanted to get rid of the morning wood the fun way. So what do I do? Do I stroke away? Or do I go to the bathroom because having a couple on eyes on you can be a little distracting? Personally, I said fuck the dogs and just tugged it anyways but what's the proper protocol?

We had a KSK mailbagger ask about fucking in front of a dog. I'll give you the same answer. Next time: cum ON the dog. It'll never bother you again.

Hozzleshank:

Okay Drew, I'm nearly 34 and I think I have been wiping my ass wrong all these years. I lift my ballsack with one hand and use the bunched paper with my other (bunched, never folded, right?). But I have a sneaky suspicion that I should be leaning forward and wiping from behind.

I lean forward. You're supposed to wipe front to back to avoid getting poop on your genitals. Really more important for women to do. I also bunch my toilet paper. I used to try folding to prevent waste, but I find my fingers often puncture the paper mid-wipe. We call that the Mudfinger Surprise.

Cory:

As a parent, I'm sure that you have made your share of macaroni and cheese dinners. So who you got? The regular old mac and cheese that has been around since WWII or the updated deluxe shells and cheese? Powdered cheese or cheese sauce? Either one probably causes the same amount of cancer.

I will only eat mac and cheese from a box. The powder one, not the Velveeta shit. I'm a complete freak. Homemade mac and cheese completely repulses me.

Seth:

Is this you drew?

Oh, you bastard. That looks like Leitch and I made a love child.

Scott:

You bear an uncanny resemblance to the guy in the Enterprise rental car commercial who says "both" when his wife asks him if she should pack the red or black lingerie. I fucking hate that guy. Why do Enterprise commercials suck so hard? Is it intentional, like Mentos commercials? The one where the black guy holds up the Styrofoam finger at the end makes me irrationally angry.

Enterprise commercials belong in the same group at the Ovaltine and Slomin's Shield commercials, ads made in-house (without agency help) by companies run by nutjobs. Remember the McGwire ones they used to run? "He picked up his bat, then he picked up our hearts." Fuck you, Enterprise.

Ferg:

I've noticed you have been using the term "what not" a lot recently in your articles. Whenever I hear somebody use that term in conversation I automatically deduct twenty points from their IQ because it's a lazy and unnecessary way to end a sentence.

Fair enough, and what not.

Sean:

When is it ok to take a shit in a stadium bathroom? Because we all know that those stalls are used for three things only: puking, fucking, and snorting coke.

And pissing! I like pissing in the stall because I get stagefright at the trough. I get angry when someone is actually shitting in the stall. Every guy who uses those stalls to shit happily takes half an hour sitting there, working it out. You're at a game, buddy. You could have saved your money and shat for three hours at home like a normal person.

Laura:

I hold a big Thanksgiving at my apartment every year for all of my friends. This year, because I love me some pie, I'm considering adding a 4th pie to the mix (I usually have chocolate, apple, and pumpkin), but my friends are totally giving me the run-around on the 4th pie addition. No one seems to have an opinion. So what do you think? Is the 4th pie necessary? And, if so, what's the ideal type of pie?

Who would say no to extra pie? Assholes, that's who. Bourbon Pecan, you wild baking BITCH! Deadspin will also accept sweet potato.

Randball:

We have the kind of shampoo in our shower that's in a pump-style container. Hence, I never have to lift it up.

Just to interrupt Rand here, I knock my shampoo bottle down off its proper resting place on the soapdish or in the shower caddy at least once a week, and it always lands on my foot, causing me ungodly pain, making me angry, and ending with me picking up the bottle and smashing it back down on the shower floor to teach it a lesson.

But today, I grabbed the shampoo to see how much was left. It felt like somewhere between 30 and 40 percent, and this satisfied me. It meant I didn't have to worry about shampoo for a while. I started thinking about other household items and how much of them I like to have on hand to feel comfortable. Anything above the number and I don't think about the item; anything below and it goes into a mental file folder that says we need to pick some up in the relatively near future. My arbitrary totals:

7 eggs.

3 rolls of toilet paper.

8 slices of bread.

4 beers.

Most of a package of shredded cheese.

And so on.

I'm assuming most people do this, but I'm wondering if there are ranges of amounts that are universally agreed upon. Or not? Are you a hoarder, Drew? Do you let things completely run out and then buy them frantically?

This is why I have a wife. She's the one who keeps the tallies in the house. When I was single, I let everything run out. Especially toilet paper. You'd think you'd learn your lesson the first time you wipe your ass with a paper towel roll. You would be wrong.

However, I always refill my gas when it hits a quarter tank. I never tempt fate. And I always have a sixer of beer in the fridge at all times. You need six. Four isn't enough.

Francouer's plate discipline:

When in the shower what would you consider and appropriate percentage of ball/groin washing as compared to other body washing. 80/20, 90/10?

99/1 is also fine. I could slap my soapy nuts around for HOURS. Ever seduce yourself in the shower? You start washing your balls and things suddenly take an EROTIC turn? You never expected it to happen. It just did. Suddenly, you're jerkin' with suds. You're IRRESISTIBLE.

Elegant Slim:

Ever misjudge a boner when taking a girly1 (sitting down pissing) and pee down the back of your Knicks shorts? I have, and I just did.

You don't even have to have a boner. You can just have a little chub, so that your dick sits up on your nuts a little higher than usual. Suddenly, BOOM! You hit the edge of the rim or over it and everything is a goddamn mess. I swear, I pee everywhere.

Pete:

what the fuck qualifies you to write any kind of advice column? just from reading the last two i can obvisously see your some kind of dork/dweeb/twerp/pussy. you admit to playing dungeons and dragons growing up and i looked up your picture and your a fat nerd. your'e trying to be bill simmons except your not funny, your fat, ur a nerd, and you've never snorted coke yet offer advice on it. i guarentee i could do your job better than you, your advice sucks, i cant believe sumone gave you a column and people actually write into it. wat a joke.

That message was totally written on an iPhone.

Greg:

When using public urinals, I frequently find myself having the loudest stream. Short of 'tightening the hose', I'm wondering if there's a way to lower the decibels of my release. Is it due to the proximity of my ears to the urine, or have I just been pissing incorrectly for the last 27 years? Granted I really force it out when I'm in there.

That's not anything to be ashamed of. LET YOUR HOSE FIRE. I've woken up my wife in the middle of the night with the sound of my stream. It's fun, like collecting Indian scalps.

CG:

Drew, have you ever had the satisfaction of shitting on a BRAND NEW toilet?? Freshly cleaned is one thing, but taking a toilet's v card is quite another. I work in new home construction as a project manager (we build the same cookie cutter houses a million times in about an acre of land). So daily I get to choose which new toilet to deflower. Its incredible, and the best part is, unlike offices, I can take my sweet sweet time without anyone waiting in line behind me.

That's nothing. If you're a suicide bomber, you get to deflower 72 toilets when Allah meets you in heaven.

As I said before, I once pooped in a model home, and it was fantastic. Like shitting on a silk tablecloth.

Kevin:

As an IT guy who works at a pretty big ad firm, I think I can offer some advice when it comes to watching porn on a work computer. The bottom line is, it's 2009. The majority of companies aren't monitoring web traffic for decency violations. As you've already touched on, many websites blur the line between NSFW and SFW. As such, companies are generally not interested in spending time and money on policing web traffic. It's just too messy and inexact. Unless of course, you give them a reason to. And that reason is bandwidth.

If you're watching porn all day in your office, the massive amount of bandwidth you consume WILL get noticed. But that only applies to in the office. While traveling, you're consuming someone else's bandwidth, and so your company doesn't give a flying fuck what you're looking at. That being said, definitely doesn't hurt to use private browsing because when you're showing the client a youtube video you don't want to embarrass yourself when the dropdown shows the 75 youporn videos you stayed up all night watching after typing "you" in the address bar. Moral of the story: if you must watch porn on your company computer, do it out of the office.

I suggest you print that email out and tack it to your cubicle wall.

Mitch:

Tony Dungy. His blank stare, cheek bones and all around robotic movements make him look a hell of a lot like that creepy Jigsaw bastard from the Saw movies.

It's true. He does sort of look like a ghost of himself.

Ogreyouasshole

I have a daughter who just turned 3. Whenever she "draws" anything on paper- it seems like it must go to The Smithsonian...and lately everything she draws on requires my wife to save it. Case in point- she drew on my wife's birthday card envelope (it looked like one half of Rorschach's mask). After she read the card and opened her gift, I tossed the envelope and got The Look from both of the girls. So, what's the policy with kids and their drawings? What can I toss & more importantly what should I keep?

Yeah. We have one wall coated with all the shit my kid has made. It's at the point now where we find space for a new art project by randomly throwing one of the old ones away. Kids only care about the shit they JUST did. If it's weeks old, you get away with disposing of it piecemeal. What was this even supposed to be? A bus? Maddox says the kid is retarded.

Lacrosse Players Accused Of Terrible Things, Media Braces For Impact [Media Meltdowns]

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:50:17 -0500

Three Sacred Heart University lacrosse players have been charged with "conspiracy to commit sexual assault" on a female student in their dorm. Less surprising is that coverage of this story is already turning into a potential quagmire of hyperbolic accusations.

The AP has already retracted their initial report that stated that the three players involved in the incident had been charged with rape. They were charged with "conspiracy," which I'm sure makes a big difference in a court of law. According to the reports, one of the accused and the victim both agree that they were having consensual sex in his dorm room, when his buddies burst into the room. What happened next is where things get fuzzy.

The victim told police they got naked and assaulted her. Their lawyer says it was just some "sophomoric, college-boy antics," which is ironic because it appears they are all freshman. I don't know what Connecticut law considers to be "assault," but I have a feeling that dropping your pants in front of a naked woman pinned to a bed goes beyond "alcohol-fueled hijinks."

The girl screamed and struggled with her assailants, police said, and Triner and Travers fled the room. Sanders then asked the sobbing student if he could resume having intercourse with her, police said.

Oh my. So if I'm understanding this correctly (and these reports turn out to be true), they didn't rape her. They just made her think she was about to be raped. As a joke. And one of them somehow thought this wouldn't spoil the mood?

Given the history of lacrosse players, drunken sexual hijinks, and the media, I'm sure all future coverage of this story will be completely reasonable and free of hyperbole. So let me kick things off by saying that America's children will be the downfall of human society and this is probably a harbinger of Earth's ultimate destruction by aliens in 2012. Developing.

SHU lacrosse players charged with sexually assaulting female student [The Connecticut Post]
Sacred Heart Lacrosse Players Charged in Connection with Assault [WTIC]
STORY REMOVED: US—Lacrosse Players Charged [AP]
[Photo via]

Boxer's Death Creates Life For Others [Sad]

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:00:37 -0500

Fighter Francisco "Paco" Rodriguez died from a brain injury suffered during a 10-round match last Friday, but his donated organs saved the lives of eight people, including his own uncle, who was on the waiting list for a kidney transplant.

Rodriguez collapsed shortly after his super bantamweight title fight at Philadelphia's famous Blue Horizon boxing hall was stopped at the end of the 10th round. He was rushed to a hospital for brain surgery, but never regained consciousness and died on Sunday night. The very small silver lining to his story is that he was able to donate so many of his organs to those in need.

"My brother was so strong and healthy," Alex Rodriguez said. "His heart and lungs were in perfect condition. It would have been a terrible waste not to share his life with others. How could we not help another family?"

I don't know if this story is supposed to make you feel good about humanity or terrible, but there it is. Rodriguez (14-3-1, 8 KOs) was a five-time Chicago Golden Gloves Champion, who had beaten Kennedy once as an amateur. He is survived by a wife and five-month-old daughter.

Fallen boxer Francisco Rodriguez's gift: Organs will help eight people [ESPN Chicago]
Fighter Copes With Opponent's Death [Fanhouse]

The Jimmy Clausen Fight: Alternative Histories [Conspiracy Theories]

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 14:15:07 -0500

The internet has graciously offered up several different explanations of what really happened at CJ's Pub last Saturday night. At this point, they are all equally plausible/ludicrous, but we present these unvarnished tales so that you might pass impartial judgment.

The first comes from the South Bend Tribune:

The 22-year-old junior from Westlake Village left the restaurant/bar without incident initially, the source said. But Clausen's date forgot her purse inside. The two went back into get it about 2 a.m., and as they were leaving, Clausen's date was pushed by a man outside the bar.

Words were exchanged between Clausen and the man, the source said. Clausen pushed the man away, with his hand landing in the man's neck area. The man then punched Clausen in the eye, and the two wrestled on the ground for a few seconds before the fight was broken up.

Police were called to the scene, in part because of that incident, in part because of some other skirmishes going on at the establishment. No arrests were made.

The second comes from emailer "Ted":

Hey guys-

I'm sure you're already all over this, but there's a lot of chatter on the Notre Dame message boards about the Jimmy Clausen incident. Some first-hand accounts are saying that the story being peddled to the public is straight BS - that Jimmy got beat up for throwing a drink/slapping another dude's girlfriend. I have no idea if any of this is true or not, but let's be honest - with that spiky hair, Clausen looks just like the kind of guy who would do something like that. Anyways, here's hoping you all get some honest to God firsthand accounts of what actually happened. I somehow doubt Jimmy's parents were still out with him at 2 in the morning, and how does one sucker punch lead to two black eyes?

Ted

For the record, one broken nose can easily bruise both eyes, but that's neither here nor there. Finally, an unsourced version comes out of the ether:

According to my son (Tim), here's what happened early Sunday morning.

Tim was sitting at the bar next to Clausen's brother and his wife. (He thinks it was Casey Clausen, 6-5 250+) Casey goes into the bathroom. Tim starts chatting up his wife. He said something funny enough to her that got her laughing at him (not sure how he did that). When Clausen's brother comes out, he sees Tim and his wife laughing and figures Tim is seriously hitting on her. He goes up to them and starts into Tim. Both Tim and his wife try to calm him down. He doesn't go for it. Tim said he grabbed his arm and told him to relax...that turned out to be a big mistake.

Clausen's brother then grabs Tim by the collar and starts lifting him out of his chair. (At this point Tim feels he's in pretty big trouble). As he's dragging him outside, Jimmy Clausen sees them and yells across the bar to take Tim out and beat the crap out of him. Jimmy is about to reach them when, out of the blue, some big drunk kid bursts in front and sucker-punches Jimmy three times. Jimmy is on the ground. Mike Ragone (ND tight end) then jumps in, pulls the guy off Jimmy Clausen and tells his brother to let Tim go. By this point Clausen's brother had dragged Tim almost to the door. Ragone was finally able to convince him to let Tim go.

Every one settled down and went back to drinking. The Clausens hung around. Tim (in a fit of brilliance) moved to the other side of the bar.

About an hour goes by, and the Clausen's get up to leave. Apparently, Jimmy went outside, and another drunk kid gives him a hard time. They get in a little 'skirmish', but its broken up and everyone goes home.

Tim never did get the name of the kid who punched Jimmy, but he owes his un-broken nose to him. I think my son learned a little lesson in risk and reward...

You might find it interesting that Theories One and Three do not necessarily contradict each other. Feel free to factor that into your decision making. If anyone finds any other explanation, leave them in the comments or email us and we'll post those too. The truth is out there, people.

[Photo via JimmyClausenOnline.org]

Jay Mariotti: Lurking Tormentor Of The Chicago Bar Scene [Media Meltdowns]

DAULERIO — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 13:30:15 -0500

Mariotti's omnipresence on the Chicago bar scene — and recent photos confirming it — have opened the floodgates from numerous other Chicagoans(ites) who've had unfortunate run-ins with him. A few samplings of the (alleged) Mariotti interactions.

[Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure:

•

With Jay running amok all over Chicago and your site I thought you would enjoy these two tidbits.

Last Saturday night my buddy saw jay wander in alone to a karaoke bar at 1 AM in Chicago, proceed to hit on several 20 somethings all of which shunned him close to immediately in favor of other meatheads with a shitload of gel in the hair.

Secondly, Jay Mariotti was involved in the biggest night of my life so far as he was one of the last people I saw before I popped the question and got engaged.

•

I just walked by Jay Mariotti on the street. he was talking very loud on his cell phone and the exact quote I heard was "I'm trying to get the security camera tapes so we can figure out who was twisting my arm off"

•

Would like to confirm Jay Mariotti is a Douchebag.

And I was entertained by his columns! By you gotta call a Douche a Douche.

Even when I met the guy personally to say I liked his stuff, still a douche!

Hilarious!

•

"I created a completely fake name to keep this anonymous but Marriotti was in Market Bar on Randolph in Chicago a few months ago wasted out of his mind. The funny thing is that it's owned by Kenny Williams (they hate each other) and Ozzy Guillen is frequently there during the season. Marriotti was so drunk that he was asked to leave and left his credit card at the bar and has been back since and gets black-out wasted every time. The guy is such a loser."

•

Saw your article about Marriotti starting a scuffle at Underground. He stared a fight with me at Bull and Bear a few weeks ago over standing too close to him and he started throwing out how he was a national celebrity and how I probably made $20k a year. When the bouncers came over he blamed it on me and kept asking for the manager and kept asking the bouncers if they knew who he was. The guy is a classless jerk and I would be happy to comment further about the encounter if you are interested in writing about what a jag he is. Thanks.

Someone Actually Tried To Blackmail Tom Coughlin? [Nfl]

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:40:29 -0500

A 30-year-old Philadelphia man, who lawyers say is mentally disabled, has pleaded guilty to sending threatening email messages to Tom Coughlin. Or are they just naturally assuming that any blackmailer who would choose Coughlin as his target must be deranged?

Court records say that Herbert Simpson of Philadelphia sent the 63-year-old Coughlin letters threatening to "expose a fictitious sexual tryst with two women" and demanding $20,000 to $30,000 to keep quiet. Obviously, no one on Earth would ever believe that story so it wasn't the most impressive plan. Coughlin himself could hold a press conference tomorrow admitting that he had a threeway with two chicks and had the video to prove it and reporters would still laugh him off the stage.

Yeah, I'm going to go with "crazy person."

Man Pleads Guilty in Threats to Giants Coach [1010WINS]

Man Dating Woman Made Famous For Anti-Homo Pageant Speech/Sex Tape Will Start For Rams [Nfl]

DAULERIO — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 10:40:26 -0500

Kyle Boller. You remember him. He was Joe Flacco before it was fashionable to be Joe Flacco. Now, Boller will most likely start in place of the broken-legged Marc Bulger. [Sky Sports/Photo: Radar]

Old Woman Sticks It To Nazis [Track And Field]

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 10:35:04 -0500

Germany has finally recognized the national high jump record that was taken away from Margaret Bergmann Lambert in 1936 because she was Jewish. Oh, and sorry about the whole "trying to wipe out your entire race" thing, too. [NYPost]

Jimmy Clausen Had A Rough Weekend [College Football]

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 09:45:01 -0500

All Jimmy Clausen wanted to do was enjoy a nice post-game meal with his family and teammates, but an angry Notre Dame fan had to go and remind the QB that he lost to Connecticut....by punching him in the face.

According to the bartender at CJ's Pub in South Bend, Clausen stopped by the watering hole after Saturday's crushing double OT loss to the Huskies. He was there with his family and other upperclassmen teammates following the Senior Day game. There may also have been "a female acquaintance" with the party. As Clausen tired to leave the bar around 2:30 a.m., there was allegedly some sort of disturbance with an irate fan who then "sucker-punched" Clausen, giving him "at least" one black eye. That's gotta suck.

No police were called so details of the incident are sketchy and no one seems to know what happened to the mysterious puncher. My theory? It was Olympic gymnast Alicia Sacramone. Hear me out. See, she used to date a football player from Brown University, but recently traded up for another Brown—Cleveland Brown Brady Quinn. The last Irish starting quarterback before Clausen arrived on campus? That's right ... Brady Quinn.

Quarterbacks. Irish. Browns. Sacramone. It all connects! Sort of like a well-placed punch to the face.

Case closed.

David Kaplan report: Clausen in fight outside South Bend bar [Chicago Breaking Sports]
Jimmy Clausen involved in altercation outside a South Bend, Ind., bar [Chicago Tribune]
Source: Notre Dame Fighting Irish QB Jimmy Clausen punched by irate fan [Joe Schad]
Brady Quinn's New Girlfriend Is Alicia Sacramone [Larry Brown Sports]

Last Night's Winner: Referee Jerome Boger [Last Night's Winner]

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 09:00:18 -0500

In sports, everyone is a winner-some people just win better than others. Like NFL referee Jerome Boger, who must have had something riding on last night's game. Nobody likes Vince Young that much.

I'm not a gambling man (because that's illegal and wrong in my state), but it has been pointed out that the Texans were favored at home on Monday Night Football, yet somehow failed to win. Or maybe someone's fantasy team needed about 200 total yards and a passing touchdown? What other reasons can you think of that would make a ref feel inclined to give one up top to the winning quarterback?

Actually, I know what it is. High-fiving is just an instinct. No matter how you feel about someone, no matter impartial you're supposed to pretend to be ... you just can't leave a man hanging like that.

Hey, buddy. High five!

Honorable Mention: New York Islanders goaltender Dwayne Roloson made 58 saves last night to beat ... oh, I'm sorry, it was just the Maple Leafs. Most of their shots probably just slowly skidded to a stop before they got to him.

Want to nominate someone for Last Night's Winner? Send me an email at dashiell@deadspin.com.

And Down Go Some More Yalies [Duan!]

DAULERIO — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:00:07 -0500

This unfortunate individual was given the perp-walk treatment during the snooty drunkfest known as Yale/Harvard this past Saturday. I'm sure there are far more entertaining photos (like this!) available from this event, so please send them along.

This person was strung-up for public urination, which at a port-o-potty deprived event like this, is the equivalent of getting busted for weed at the High Times Christmas party. Luckily, this fine upstanding individual was only given a citation that will surely be framed and placed over his toilet for the rest of his life.

****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. I'm off to hit golf balls with Jim Furyk.

Use this space to #duan, #MNF, or #hashtagsymbols.

A-HOLE COACH DIGEST: Coach Will Watch You Shower Now [Balls Deep]

Drew Magary — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:15:14 -0500

Welcome to Asshole Coach Digest, where we regale you Deadspin folk with stories of the meanest, cruelest, most batshit insane coaches you ever had. Email me your asshole coach story here. Off we go.

Walk that burst appendix off, young man

Will:

I moved from New York to Texas my freshman year of high school. I was the starting goalie for the varsity soccer team. On the first day of the season I had terrible stomach pains… unbearable pain. I was barely able to walk.

I informed my coach that I would not be able to play because of how I felt. He proceeded to blow up in my face on the bus ride to our opening away game. While driving the bus of course, looking in the giant mirror screaming at me the whole drive. Everyone got off the bus and he held me back. Telling me "You're worthless, your letting me down and your entire team. Carry the fucking water jug to the field."

On any other day carrying the water jug would be no big deal. Being in the pain I was in it was close to impossible. It took me roughly a half hour to carry the jug about 200 yards. Would have been longer if my teammates hadn't helped.

During the game we were getting destroyed 4-0 at halftime and I was laying on my back looking at the sky wondering if I should be going to an emergency room. All of a sudden "coach sensitivity" slams his clipboard straight down on my stomach screaming, "I want you to watch what you're doing to your fucking team today!"

When my mom picked me up that night from school I went straight to the emergency room and was immediately rushed into surgery to have my appendix taken out. It was so bad I was in the operating room 20 minutes after entering the crowded emergency room. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks and lost 30 pounds due to an infection. Coach could not be bothered to visit me during that time.

Also known as The Utah Handshake

Jimmy:

How about just a coach that likes assholes?

A lacrosse coach is a douchebag? I'm stunned.

Chung:

A friend of mine quit the sport after a summer camp with Coach X, namely after a singular incident where he demonstrated the art of the top of the box face dodge. After instructing a young camper to demonstrate a face dodge (basically the same as a basketball crossover move, but with a stick and whiter) against another camper who acted as a defender, he proceeded to berate the offensive camper with words such as "pussy," "faggot," and "nancy" liberally dropped.

After this dressing down in front of a group of 25 12-year-olds, Coach X proceeded to take the young campers stick and demonstrate his idea of a face dodge. At 6'3", 240 lbs., and never without a small stream of Skoal-stained spittle tracing his cheek, he cuts a rather intimidating figure to any layman, let alone a 12-year-old camper trying to defend this wildebeest of a man. On cue, Coach X makes his move, runs over the defending camper, takes two more steps and proceeds to rip a 90-plus mph shot that misses the camp goalie's head by an inch. After a split second to savor his work, he turns around, stands over the vanquished defender and starts screaming "that's how you fucking face dodge, mutherfucker," over and over again until his bulging forehead veins can take no more.

But while only one young soul's health was affected by this tirade, his driving tactics while assistant coach at (name redacted) managed to put thousands of turnpike passengers at risk. The man would use the turn signals opposite of his turning intentions, drift directly and violently into the middle of cars in adjacent lanes, and "pump fake" big rigs in order to clear lanes out for his own passage, or, in his words, "keep those fuckers thinking."

The man, to this day, calls his wife his "girlfriend," and last I heard, which was granted four years ago, still owns a bar in town with the owners quarters only to be used as a coke and sluts den where he, his brother, and his numerous former and current players go those summer nights when said opportunities arise. On the times I visited not a single fake-breasted bartender knew that Coach X was married, and many had "intimate" experience with said back room shenanigans.

Coach X, by his senior year at (name redacted), was the best lacrosse player in the state, and considered by some the best player in the country. In his last game against bitter rivals the (name redacted) he vowed to pull a stunt that would intimidate and unhinge the opponents to the point of making a final win assured. In the minutes leading up to the opening faceoff, as the rivals are going through their pre-game warmup stretches on the other side of half-field, Coach X slowly walks to the midfield faceoff circle, takes a knee, takes his gloves off, and proceeds to stay kneeled for a period of a few minutes, the only movement being slight adjustments to his shorts every few seconds.

As any male who has played sports that required the wear of shorts can attest, the taking of a knee for a period longer than a few seconds generally indicates that said kneeler is urinating through a leghole. But the players can clearly see no stream or splash of urine, and instead are captivated by the sight of the best player on the field kneeling at midfield for no apparent reason. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Coach X puts his gloves back on, stands up straight, and proceeds to shake a frankenfurter-sized piece of shit out of his shorts for everyone to see. With the laughter of players in the background and Coach X nonchalantly walking back towards his bench, one by one rival players rise to take a peek at what they cannot believe they just saw and, horrified, return to their sideline in stunned disbelief at the psycho who they had to play against who just shook a shit out of his shorts. Unsurprisingly, Coach X's team handily won the game.

And this one we call THE UNBLINKING EYE

Dave:

My middle school basketball coach was a grade A asshole. In order to make us better "shooters", he would punish the players who took shots and missed the rim by giving them licks after practice or games. He would line up any offending players and give out the licks in front of everyone. These were not just swats. He would smack your ass hard.

Of course, all this did was make the players scared as hell to shoot the ball for fear of the punishment. We had essentially three players who scored all of the points. My scared ass scored 1. The same coach was pissed because we had only won by 12 points in an out of town game. We were ordered not to speak during the hour-long bus ride back home. When one of the players misplaced his lunch bag and asked where it was, the coach screamed "I've got you now! Licks at the gym!" That poor guy spent the rest of the ride tearing out paper from his spiral notebook and stuffing it in the back of his pants as a cushion, which only made him get even more licks back at the gym.

The name of that coach? Kevin Spacey.

Zach:

My 7th grade basketball coach, we'll call him "Coach C" was probably a lot like many of the coaches we've had in various sports...he lived at home with his mother (in his mid 50's), regaled us with tales of his former athletic glory (none of which went beyond the high school level, of course), and treated us like red-headed step children who just pissed the bed as he wailed basketballs at us as we did various drills to encourage toughness...so basically your typical asshole coach. Well, my coach had one other habit that seemed to distinguish him from other douchebag coaches we've all had... this guy really liked looking at naked boys.

After our first practice we all filed into the locker room, expecting to throw on our clothes and leave...you know, like normal 13 year olds...when "Coach C" stormed in and informed us that after every practice/game we would be required to shower before leaving, and refusal to do so would mean getting kicked off the team. Well, like any other pubescent boy, we looked around exchanging glances that said "You've got to be fucking kidding me," but this was the upper level team in a good high school program, so everyone basically went along with this so as to not jeopardize our spot on the team.

As if having to strip down naked and be in the general vicinity of 11 other naked guys at the age of 13 wasn't fucked up enough, our coach made sure that he was standing inside the shower to make sure "we weren't screwing around." So, every day this dickhead sat there and stared at us showering, with one leg propped up on a cooler that he brought to every practice that one day we discovered was filled with Budweiser... Yeah, it's amazing how these people always seem to migrate towards positions in direct contact with kids.

We finished the year and moved on to the next grade and a new coach, so of course on the first day of practice one of the first questions asked was "Coach, do we still have to shower after every practice?" Our new coach looked at us and went "Why the fuck do I care if you shower or not, I'm not your mother..." It was at that point that it started to dawn on us that something really messed up had happened. To my knowledge nothing ever happened to "Coach C," a few of us mentioned it to other people in the school district, but many of them thought we were making it up so nothing ever became of it. I really have blocked that out because the older I get (I'm 24 now), the more it pisses me off that no one ever did anything about it.... I don't know if this story has the same humor as the other ones you guys have published, but if this guy isn't the personification of an "Asshole Coach," no one is...

Father/coaches are always the best coaches

Matt:

In 5th grade I played for my catholic grade school basketball team, and we were horrible. Just awful. I don't think we ever lost a game by less than 20 points. Keep in mind we were in 5th grade. 5th graders don't score many points. Nevertheless, every team might as well have been the Harlem Globetrotters.

The coach's son was an annoying twerp who started every game despite the fact that he couldn't comprehend the concept of a standard layup. Just like how Derek Zoolander couldn't turn left, the coach's son only understood reverse layups, which consistently slammed the bottom of the rim. The coach would very publicly berate his son during games after each horribly missed lay up, but to no avail. He only understood reverse layups.

One evening practice, presumably after another confidence shattering loss, we got in line to start our standard lay up drill. "do a regular lay up, son, you need to learn how to do these if you want to play high school ball like your old man," our coach said. He son hesitantly dribbled to the net, then, after a few stutter steps, missed another reverse layup.

Coach was stared at his son, squeezing the basketball in his hand. It was the son's turn again. "come on son, its just a jump shot, except you dribble up to the net." you could see the gears turning in the son's mind. He slowly approached the net... Closer...closer... He slowed down on the correct side... Then took two extra steps and actually made a reverse layup. The son raised his arms in triumph. Suddenly, overcome with rage, coached cocked the arm holding a basketball and delivered a screaming fast ball nailing the back of head of his son's head, knocking him down to the ground. "YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME?!"

We then horribly lost the next game.

MOOSE IS UP!

Curt:

When I was 13 I began playing Babe Ruth baseball (13-15), and had no idea what I was getting myself into. The team was composed of 9 13-year-olds, a couple 14-year-olds, and 2 15-year-olds. The first day our league allowed practice was March 1st of that year. No other teams practiced that day, mainly because it was SNOWING. It wasn't even a flurry, our entire field was literally covered in an inch of snow...

Our field also had no fence, and I am not exaggerating when I say our outfield was 700+ feet of fair grounds. By the way, I gave up a ton of inside the parkers there but that's a different story... Anyways, I remember our first practice we went over team rules and then took two laps around the gigantic outfield in the freezing cold. The next practice we arrived and he told us to throw our gloves behind the dugout. He gave us wooden paddles with straps on the back of them and made us use them as gloves... keep in mind it was still freezing cold out, it had just snowed a couple days earlier. So we are passing baseball in the freezing cold with wooden ping pong paddles as gloves. Then we take our positions on the field... and I'll admit, I was a 5-foot shortstop at that time and could barely get the ball to 1st base anyways, so playing without a glove didn't help any...

Then he started hitting the ball all over the field and for every ghost runner that scored, we ran after practice... Every 4 or 5 batters he'd get a big grin on his face and yell "MOOSE IS UP!!!" Moose was his alter ego slugger who killed the shit outta the ball... He would usually hit them pretty softly, but if he got the bases loaded with ghost runners, he was pinch hitting Moose. And Moose would promptly hit one in the gap for an inside the park grandslam, which meant we had to run 4X more after practice. or he'd hit it down our third basemen's throat. I remember him line driving the pitcher a few times too, and the pitcher wasn't even pitching, he was just fielding the position.

We finished the season 2-23. He quit after that year and most of the players did too. We won 4 games the next year. My career record in Babe Ruth was like 13-60. Fuck Moose.

Yale Football Coach Out-Crazies Bill Belichick [College Football]

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:30:22 -0500

Since our nation wasted approximately 82 million man-hours of productivity last week arguing about that stupid fourth-and-two, it's a bit surprising that we the people aren't more enraged by Yale's Tom Williams for raising the stakes for bonehead coaches everywhere.

See if this sounds familiar. Yale was leading by three points with 2:25 left in their giant season-defining game against Harvard on Saturday. It was fourth down and they had the ball on their own 26-yard line. Seems like an obvious punting situation, right? (After all, their punter is the best in the Ivy league and was averaging 51 yards per kick for the game.) Well, Williams was apparently so won over by the outpouring of love and affection that Bill Belichick got all week by going for it against the Colts, that he decided to do the Patriots' leader one better. The Bulldogs ran a fake punt that gained 15 yards on an end around run. The only hitch in the plan was that they needed 22.

I'm not sure those Ivy League eggheads read all that statistical analysis defending Belichick very carefully. Oh, sure it was a gutsy gamble that really sent a message. The message is that Yalies are not smart. Seriously, fourth and 22? Harvard got the ball at the Yale 40 and three plays later they scored the winning touchdown, their eighth victory in nine tries over their arch rival. Gah!

Williams has made a bit of a name for himself in his first head coaching season with his frequent and effective use of trick plays, and he claims he did not want to play scared. Plus, he was worried that Harvard had gained momentum and he wanted to "keep our foot on the pedal," because you always want to be going full speed when you drive into a brick wall.

Although, to be fair to the Elis, Williams did go to Stanford. Those West Coast buffoons can't do math for shit.

Williams offers apology to players day after loss [New Haven Register]
Head Coach Pulls a 'Belichick,' Yale Loses to Harvard [Fanhouse]
Harvard-Yale Game 2009 Has Yale Lose with 'Belichick' Call [Associated Content]

Showing The Human Side Of Charlie Weis The Week Before He Most Likely Gets Canned [Notre Dame]

DAULERIO — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:45:11 -0500

AOL Fanhouse writer John Walters has a pretty incredible, candid glimpse of Charlie Weis, in the early morning hours after the Fighting Irish lost to UCONN, where the embattled head coach basically admits that his South Bend days are over.

It's 4:38 a.m. on Sunday and Weis greets Walters for the interview that'd been promised. From the tone of the piece, you get the sense that Walters was surprised at how forthcoming he was about his Notre Dame coaching career. (Weis, apparently, also curses like Artie Lange.) He expected the criticism and the fat jokes, but he didn't expect how much of a toll this would take on his family:

"The damage to Maura and Charlie Jr. is irreparable, It's watching me get hammered. I'll never forgive the people who character-assassinated me without even knowing me. Those people did irreparable damage to my wife and son, and I'll never forgive them."

Speaking of Charlie Jr., he's a 15-year-old coaching prodigy. One thing Weis knows for sure, though, is that his son will never be part of the Fightin' Irish family: "I know where he won't be going to college."

Charlie Weis Opens Up About His Notre Dame Experience [AOL Fanhouse]

Ole Miss KKK Protest Goes Swimmingly [College Football]

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:00:31 -0500

"Swimmingly" means "completely embarrassing for white power morons," correct? Then yes, it went "swimmingly." The KKK's hour-long protest against tolerance and common sense lasted about 10 minutes before the hooded wonders were booed off Mississippi's campus.

As noted earlier, the Mississippi White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan were peeved that their state university has banned the song "From Dixie With Love" because they actually believe the South will somehow rise again. (Mississippi: 50th in education eight years running!) So ten dudes in hoods stood on the steps of Fulton Chapel before the LSU game on Saturday and shouted things like "white power"—only no one could hear them because they were outnumbered by 250 people booing and calling them idiots and cowards.

Eventually, the pajama clad bozos slunk off defeated. So not a great day for backwards yokels.

KKK rally at Ole Miss fizzles in less than 10 minutes [Daily Reveille]
KKK Rally At Ole Miss: Klan Outnumbered By Protesters [Huffington Post]
KKK demonstration draws hundreds of protesters to Ole Miss [Raw Story]

Black Friday Request: High School Reunion Horror Stories [Announcements]

DAULERIO — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:30:49 -0500

So as most of you may know, this is shortened week for most Americans so we can all solemnly commemorate the death of turkeys and indigenous people at the hands of white men wearing buckles on their hats.

But for many of you, the day after Thanksgiving is also that time of the year where you have to put on your best Gap sport coat, head out to the local beef-and-beer drink your way through a high school reunion. I documented my experience last year. This year, it's your turn. Please submit your High School Reunion Horror Stories so we call have something to read about besides the shitty Colorado Nebraska game or whatever basketball slop is thrown our way.

This is basically your time to vent: give us all your awkward interactions, bitch about the food, gripe about who got fat. Consider this a service piece for all those unfortunate individuals who will have to spend their Friday evening realizing either that their life hasn't gotten any better since senior year of high school or that, yes, 35-year-old white people still feel compelled to pogo-jump in the air when House Of Pain comes on if they are in a group together.

Send to ajd@deadspin.com. Please don't send anything about Pat Murphy.

Put Away Your Calculators. Joe Mauer Is MVP [Mlb]

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:15:40 -0500

Indignant nerds may stand down. Your numerically eviscerating PowerPoint presentation about Derek Jeter's faults is both lovely and precise, but will not be needed this year. (Only an idiotic first-place vote for Miguel Cabrera kept it from being unanimous.) [MPR]

Thug Life: Marv Albert Says There's No Beef With 50 Cent [Media Meltdowns]

DAULERIO — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:42:16 -0500

What sounded like one of the most bizarre fights since Axl Rose attacked karate-chopping fashion mogul Tommy Hilfiger, longtime NBA announcer Marv Albert told the Dan Patrick show that he "never crossed paths" with angry rapper 50 Cent. [DPShow]

All Steeler Fans Are Basically Puppy Murderers [Dogs]

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:00:46 -0500

A Pittsburgh area man is in jail this morning after he kicked a 13-week-old pit bull to death because it wouldn't walk next to him and he had a Steeler game to watch. Obviously, Troy Polamalu hates animals!

A witness called Bridgeville police at 1:09 p.m. after a suspect, who was supposed to have been walking the dog, was kicking it down the street instead, according to a police affidavit.

Ms. Gielarowski told police her boyfriend kicked the dog because the pup would not walk with them. When the near lifeless dog no longer was able to move, Mr. Woodson walked away from it and his girlfriend, she told police.

[...]

"He admitted the dog would not behave prior to the Steelers game and that he became upset at it," according to the affidavit.

The girlfriend originally gave police a false name and then lied to protect her dog-killer boyfriend, because that's what loving the Steelers does to people. They become blood-thirsty puppy-hating dickheads. Lots of dogs misbehave before Ravens and Bengals games, but they don't get to stomped to death, do they? Heck, the whole state of Pennsylvania is suspect at this point.

Seriously, though, this guy is a prick.

Police: Man kills puppy misbehaving before Steelers game [Post-Gazette]

Jay Mariotti Is...The Lurker [Media Meltdowns]

DAULERIO — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:55:54 -0500

The bar patron who has the cell phone pic which (allegedly) sparked Mariotti getting bounced from a Chicago nightclub last Thursday night has yet to surface, but another reader stealthily snapped him in his natural habitat.

Another encounter:

I was at Bull and Bear a few weeks ago and the creepy Mariott was standing by our table hoping some of the girls would talk to him. Very weird dude. I think he saw me take this pic but I acted like I was texting someone.

Mariotti has told nice young ladies about his paranoia and annoyance when civilians attempt to photograph him out on the town. He's been successful so far, as we rarely receive any candid pics of Jay.

After the incident last week, it appears his aggressive no-photo policy has backfired and more and more are coming in all the time. If Mariotti wishes to continue to enjoy night club life for as long as his surgically-enhanced visage is still on "Around The Horn", he should consider wearing a disguise from now on.

PHOTO/EMAIL: Michael P.

High Schooler Celebrates Meaningless Block With Trip To The Gun Show [High School Football]

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:05:34 -0500

This ridiculous Tecmo Bowl punt return is okay, but I'm really posting this for the goofball who blindsides a tackler, then flexes for his buddies while the play is still happening behind him. It's all about you, Anonymous Special Teamer.

[OregonLive]

Matthew Stafford Wins The Weekend [Weekend Winner]

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:00:55 -0500

In sports, everybody is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Matthew Stafford, who won the weekend by suddenly turning into Bobby Layne, minus the crippling hangovers.

It was famously said of Layne that "he never lost a game, he just ran out of time." Well, Matthew Stafford did run out of time yesterday and still managed to pull off a legendary come-from behind victory on the last play against the Browns. With only one arm. Urban legend has it that Layne once got in a car accident while driving drunk on a Saturday night, then showed up on Sunday morning and led the Lions to a win. Stafford—who attended the same high school as Layne, don'tcha know—picked himself up off the sideline with a busted shoulder to throw a game-winning touchdown. (He sort of had no choice. Daunte Culpepper sure didn't want to do it and putting on a helmet would have ruined the whole LPGA golfer look that Drew Stanton had going on.)

Urban legend also has it that Layne cursed his former franchise to 50 years of losing after they traded him away in 1958. Well, we're at 51 and counting, but perhaps the statute of limitations has finally been lifted. The team is still a long way from being good, but could they finally havefound the leader with that mythical toughness that inspires nations and make women weep? No one knows what "it" is, but he's got it! If you're going to build yourself a legend, Sunday's "gritty" 5-TD performance would be a good way to start.

Years from now, every Lions fan will talk about how they saw this man in this game and knew that things had finally turned around for this hapless franchise ... and you will know that they are lying because the stadium was half-full and the game was blacked out. (More on that later.) Stafford probably won't play during their nationally televised Thanksgiving game in four days when his team will undoubtedly be spanked, so the legend is going to need a little more time to simmer. But what a glorious four days they will be for Lions fans. Naturally, the greatest post-game glow of good feelings that they've seen in years had to come during the short week.

[Photo: Julian H. Gonzalez/Detroit Free Press]

Matthew Stafford, Matt Cassel lead way in NFL Week 11 [Peter King]
Stafford winning teammates over [The Morning Sun]
There's no doubt now: Stafford is strong enough to lead [Detroit Free Press]
In battle of the bottom, Lions and Browns play a thriller [MJD]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Brady Quinn: Looks like someone else benefited from facing a porous secondary and a non-existent pass rush. When you can double your career touchdown total in one quarter, you know the only way to go is up. [Tribune Chronicle - Warren, OH]

San Diego Chargers: Remember when some idiot wrote that Denver had pretty much sewn up the AFC West and Josh McDaniels was the new George Halas? The term you're looking for is "short-sighted." [BroncoTalk]

Real Salt Lake: Why does a team from Utah have a Spanish name? And how does a team with a losing regular-season record win your league championship? (Oh, right. Penalty kicks.) [Salt Lake Tribune]

And who is the Weekend Loser? Anyone who enjoys picking on Charlie Weis. Remember ... if he gets fired, then you can't make fun of Charlie Weis anymore. (And Notre Dame might actually get better.) It's quite a catch, that Catch-22. [Sporting News]

TV Guide Writers Captivated By Any Ex-Dukie Matchup (Update) [Sadwhimsy]

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 09:30:10 -0500

What was the most compelling storyline of this weekend's Orlando-Boston showdown? The heated rivalry between J.J. Redick and Shelden Williams that dates to the time Williams stole Redick's juice box on the team bus to Wake Forest. [Thanks, Todd]

Update: Apparently, Time Warner also promoted yesterday's Celtics/Knicks matchup as a Chris Duhon and Shelden Williams reunion. If you see anymore evidence of pro-Duke bias from your TV's program guide, please forward because that's really weird.

Full Moon Over Chicago [Dat Ass]

Barry Petchesky — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 23:36:36 -0500

Considering the flood of emails, you people are all about Devin Hester's ass. I'm not here to judge, so we present it in all its glory after the jump.

In Which We Try To Work Up Excitement Over The MLS Cup [DUAN]

Barry Petchesky — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 19:00:00 -0500

Do you, dear readers, care about tonight's championship showdown between the LA Galaxy and Real Salt Lake? Perhaps a better question is, did you even know this was tonight?

It's tough to deny MLS has made strides in recent years. Fanbases in LA, Seattle, Philly, Chicago and Toronto are legitimately passionate for soccer, and actually back their passion up with their wallets. The league is expanding regularly, and hasn't abandoned a city since 2005 (and then promptly gave San Jose a replacement franchise). Tonight's MLS Cup is on primetime on ESPN, in soccer-mad Seattle, and features two of the biggest stars in the league in Landon Donovan and David Beckham (in that order

So why won't I be watching?

I do enjoy soccer; I haven't missed a USMNT game in five years. And while the level of play in MLS is second rate compared to domestic leagues in some countries, the fact that they're evenly matched against each other makes the games just as exciting.

The fact is, MLS would have worked before satellite TV. There's enough soccer fans in this country now to support a league, but with Premiership and Serie A and Bundesliga and La Liga and Ligue 1 and a host of South American leagues on television every week, I'm going to watch and follow those before I'm going to get into MLS. Unless I have a vested interest.

I suppose I just haven't been able to get emotionally involved in the league. I don't know the players, the rivalries, or the storylines. My local team has been horrible forever (notwithstanding last year's fluke title game appearance), so their games aren't appointment viewing. I still have yet to go to a game, because it's near impossible to get there without a car (the new stadium opening next year will help).

The league can't control parity, but they can get their players out there so I'm forced to pay attention. Stuff like Chris Seitz slinging fish at Pike Place Market, pictured above. Let their personalities show. Where's MLS's Chad Ochocinco, or Sean Avery? Where's the player who'll make me tune in to see what they'll do next?

So let your freak flag fly, MLS. Bring in the washed up big name players from overseas. Break out the cheerleaders. Encourage over-the-top goal celebrations. Give me something I can sink my teeth into, because competent play just isn't cutting it. Sure it'll piss off the purists, but they've never been numerous enough to keep the game thriving here.

Now if you'll excuse me, Eagles/Bears is coming on soon.

•••••

Thanks for letting me into your modem, as we begin a mercifully abbreviated week. Remember, there's strings attached to every single blogger.

Gilbert Arenas Makes A Mockery Of Twitter [Nba]

Barry Petchesky — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 18:15:00 -0500

Agent Zero refuses to start Twittering until he has a million followers. Uh, Gil, that's not how you do it. Actually, you know what? Twitter's stupid and everyone on it is stupid and this will probably work. [DC Sports Bog]

The Seedy Underbelly Of Sports Fan Art [Whimsy]

Barry Petchesky — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:30:00 -0500

There's a popular game going around the Internet, in which you search your favorite team on DeviantArt, the premier fan-created art site. Some results are pathetic, some are decent, but most are sanity-threatening. Let's go through the looking glass.

Actually, this one's pretty badass.

Oddly, there's about five My Little Ponies for every team. But spend enough time there, and the word "oddly" loses all meaning.

From the artist's description: "This is Carmello Anthony made out of Chicken Mcnuggets From Mcdonalds. I decided to do him because He's on the NUGGETS! you just add a Mc in there and you've got food!"

I can't tell if the artist did anything to this picture. This is what Steve Kerr looked like, right?

Yes, that's Hunter Pence trying to rescue Lance Berkman, Carlos Lee and Miguel Tejada from a sandwich.

Be warned. There's a lot of furries.

I love the fact that Squirtle has a Jason Giambi cap.

Cowboys fans like a stacked top half...

While Avalance fans prefer their junk in the trunk.

There's also a good amount of slash fiction expressed here. If you don't know what slash fiction is, don't look it up.

What's this I don't even...

There's no art here. The user just scanned a photograph. For what purposes, I'm terrified to ask.

More furries.

Okay, they all have Red Wings. I get it. But why are they anime characters with vampire fangs?

Lakers bird just got told by Celtics rabbit.

Some sort of Giants stump playing a snare drum.

The devil ray, a perfectly fearsome creature, gets represented by a wolf. Whatever.

Enjoy your nightmare fuel.

The BCS Has Its Day In Court Of Public Opinion [College Football]

Barry Petchesky — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:00:00 -0500

The BCS hired a new PR firm, and their first move was to create an official BCS Twitter. This is one case where interacting with the fans is a bad idea, and they are being torn apart. It's gruesome. [@insidethebcs]

These Men Are The Best QBs Of The Day. Really. [Nfl]

Barry Petchesky — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 16:15:00 -0500

I'm sure the fact that they were facing the Lions and Browns defenses had nothing to do with their spectacular numbers. But some quality defenses had tough afternoons as well.

•Chiefs 27, Steelers 24. Driving confidently during overtime, Ben Roethlisberger took a knee to the head and Charlie Batch couldn't finish the job. KC had no problems going the other way for the winning FG, and that Steelers D without Troy Polamalu looks really, really vulnerable.

•Colts 17, Ravens 15. When's the last time Peyton Manning threw more INTs than TDs? (Rhetorical question, know-it-all commenters.) It was the Colts defense that carried the day, keeping Baltimore out of the end zone, and picking off a marching Joe Flacco inside the red zone to seal it.

•Giants 34, Falcons 31. The Giants once again blew a fourth quarter lead, but won the coin toss in overtime and pulled out the win. This game was decided in the air, with the teams combining for 600 yards passing and only 178 rushing. Eli Manning has 384 yards and three TDs.

•Lions 38, Browns 37. *checks box score* I'm going to assume this is all a misprint and will be cleared up soon, but Matthew Stafford and Brady Quinn combined for 9 touchdowns and 724 yards. Stafford pulled off the miracle finish of the year, scrambling for his life before lofting a 32 yard pass into the end zone that got whistled for defensive pass interference. With no time on the clock, Stafford then tossed it in from the 1 for an epic, epic win.

•Packers 30, 49ers 24. Green Bay seemingly had this one in hand, but Michael Crabtree's first career score set off a furious San Francisco rally that simply ran out of time.

•Cowboys 7, Redskins 6. There are defensive showdowns, and then there's this horrid excuse for a game. Rock Cartwright, third on the depth chart, led Washington on the ground and in the air, but the real star was Nick Folk, who nailed the extra point with 2:41 left to mercifully prevent this one from going to overtime.

•Jaguars 18, Bills 15. Maybe Ryan Fitzpatrick isn't a great QB, but at least he remembers he has Terrell Owens on his team. But TO's 197 yards wasn't enough to make a different, as David Garrard led the Jags down the field to score with a minute left.

•Saints 38, Buccaneers 7. At least the Bucs led in this one, right? That counts for something. Not as much as 38 unanswered points, but still.

•Vikings 35, Seahawks 9. Hey, Tarvaris Jackson had a touchdown pass in this one! That's generally a sign that the game got out of hand early, and sure enough Brett Favre had TD passes on three straight drives to end the first half.

Your Late Games Open Thread [Nfl]

Barry Petchesky — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:45:00 -0500

The Jets got an early morning wakeup call in their New England hotel, apparently a common occurrence for teams preparing to play the Patriots. No word yet if Mark Sanchez got the required amount of beauty sleep. [PFT]

Break Ireland's Heart Again, In Crappy Flash Form [Whimsy]

Barry Petchesky — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:15:00 -0500

Finally, it's the Thierry Henry Handball game. My high score so far is 47 goals, and 18 Irishmen drinking themselves to death. [Jeu De Main]