Deadspin

Which Former NBA Star Had An Affair With Some Guy Malcolm Gladwell Met At A Party? [Blind/dumb Items]

Moe — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 20:41:14 -0500

And no, it is not the guy in the picture, I am fairly certain. But the beauty of Malcolm Gladwell is, I now know who Adonal Foyle is!

Disclaimer: A lot of people assume I have some axe to grind with Malcolm Gladwell, just because I wrote this 8,000 word essay about him in which I threw around a lot of descriptors along the lines of "fatuous" and "vacuous" and "vapid" and "banal cliche" w/r/t his writing, and you have to read approximately 6,500 words into the piece to realize I actually think Gladwell is arguably of doing the world a service in the process of servicing his bank account, and who has time to do that, which is btw the point, but which is also why whenever the name "Gladwell" comes up, as it did today when ESPN posted his emails with sports savant Bill Simmons, people assume I will have something angry/critical/overwrought to say about it.

But the truth is, when (as it goes with me and sports) you are fully ignorant about a subject, the insight of Malcolm Gladwell can be indispensable. Where else could I have learned, in a single painless session, that:

Allen Iverson's relationship with Philadelphia is totally like the plot of "Boogie Nights."
Nolan Ryan:baseball :: Sandra Bullock:chick flicks.
Put another way, Dara Torres:swimming :: Sandra Bullock:chick flicks.
A lot of auspicious developments seem to be afoot in Seattle. (Like in the early nineties, only with baseball.)
Lebron James could turn out to be the Bruce Springsteen of basketball, or he could give up the sport altogether for yoga and Jaguar commercials. The jury is really still out on that one.
Being in the NBA (and more broadly, American professional sports in general) is at this moment in history almost the polar opposite of being a physicist in sub-Saharan Africa.
If he had had his druthers, Tupac Shakur would have been just as happy releasing an album called, say, Hug Life, but that probably would not have sold five million copies.
Goldie Hawn would be a lot richer, if cosmetic surgery techniques had been better when she hit her early Botox years.
BIll Simmons saw Katie Holmes emerge from a port-a-pottie once, taller and more beautiful than she ever seemed on Dawson's Creek. They had a moment.
Malcolm Gladwell once met a guy once at a party who told him he had had an affair many years ago with a guy who turned out to be in the NBA. Bill Simmons knows who it is, but is not telling. (No doubt to protect his sources, Malcolm Gladwell recently denied going to publishing parties ever, but ask anyone in publishing and they will tell you that is a lie.
Malcolm Gladwell saw Orlando Magic center/amateur poet Adonal Foyle making arrangements to tour the Louvre once.
The full text of the Simmons-Gladwell correspondence can be found here.

Teen Guilty of "Horsing Around!" (Also Probably Seriously Mentally Ill) [Sick Sad World]

Pareene — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 18:22:52 -0500

Wacky sporting news for you crazy kids! "Goshen teen charged with having sex with horses."

No, Shaq Didn't [Counterpoint]

Pareene — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 17:38:24 -0500

Like many of you, I went to elementary school, high school and college. I took such and such classes, earned such and such grades, and amassed such and such degrees.

But on the night of July 17, 1996, I went to the General Cinemas Centennial Lakes 8 theaters and became mesmerized by a film the multiplex was playing. The film starred an athlete I'd never heard of - Shaq. It was called Kazaam. Thus began a part of my second education.

Over the next few decades Shaq would become one of the professors in my second education. In film or Pepsi commercial after film or Pepsi commercial he assigned a new course in my emotional curriculum.

In Kazaam, Shaq is brave, loyal, and really hilarious. He grants wishes, and he makes it rain candy bars. He raps, and while his rapping briefly distracts him from what is important (being a good friend), he eventually turns the bad guy in a basketball and slam dunks him to death.

Once I got a taste of that emotional uplift, I was hooked. The uplifting experiences alone were bound to open the mind for learning.

I followed Shaq into his world. Once again, it wasn't the explicit characters that mattered most. Shaq raps about how great he is, about what he plans on doing to those who dis him, and, mostly, about how he is quite adept at granting wishes. These stories don't directly touch my life, and as far as I know he's never rapped about a middle-age pundit who interviews politicians by day and composes mind-numbingly repetitive columns at night.

What mattered most, as with any artist, were the assumptions behind the stories. His tales take place in a distinct universe, a distinct map of reality. In Shaq's universe, life's "losers" always retain their dignity (unless, of course, they dis him, or are Kobe, or other people who play for a different basketball team than the one he is on). Their choices have immense moral consequences, and are seen on an epic and anthemic scale.

He embodies a hearty, self-sufficient strain of uncomplaining conservatism that has long made this country great. What drives young Max, in Kazaam? Not just the search for a strong father figure, but reunification with his actual father. His mother is looking to marry a fireman—a paragon of good, blue-collar masculinity, to be celebrated, of course—but even he is no substitute for the steady tutelage and lessons in gentlemanly behavior of Max's true father, who is a record promoter or something.

Kazaam sacrifices his mighty powers to bring Max and his father back together, and then, in true conservative fashion, he sets out to find himself a job, instead of having a pity party about no longer being able to win abandoned warehouse bicycle races with the help of magic.

In short, there is no way that this man, Shaq, could've possibly slept with Gilbert Arenas' fiance. Shaq values friendship more than anything else, and he would never, ever do that, to a friend.

Maybe if Gilbert Arenas' had been selling high-tech laser weapons to South Central Los Angeles street gangs, Shaq would have to intervene. But—and this is important—he would not intervene by sleeping with Arenas' fiance. Instead he would put on a Metal Suit and then when Arenas tried to shoot him with a laser the laser would bounce off and kill Arenas (who, in this scenario, would deserve it).

This is the Shaq I know. The one who is never humble, or embarrassed, but the one who is pretty funny in commercials, especially the ones with my good friend, Ben Stein, who can attest to the man's honor, moral wisdom, and certitude.

The man is a hero, and a national treasure. And as for these allegations? As Kazaam himself would say, let's green egg and ham it.

Alex Pareene is a cultural critic and political commentator. He was the film critic for The American Situation, a contributing editor at The Atlantic, and an editorial writer for The New York Sun. He is the author of Cul-de-Sac: How We Get By and Where We're Going and Saab Stories: America's Elites and Why They Wish They Weren't.

Yes Virgins, Shaq Did Have Sexual Relations With Gilbert Arenas' "Baby Mamma." You Can Blame Feminism For That. [Point]

Moe — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 17:33:48 -0500

Last month, news reports began to surface that a centimillionaire professional athlete may have been unfaithful to his wife. Next someone's going to tell me Barney Frank is sodomist.

Really, I haven't heard a revelation this shocking since learning that a certain sex-addicted rapist had a long-running extramarital affair with the female business partner whose marriage he wrecked and who would later serve 22 months in prison to avoid incriminating him. (Gee, I always assumed there was something ineffable about Bill Clinton's character that was capable of inspiring that sort of self-destructive loyalty in women he hadn't had consensual sex with — not.)

But as aggrieved I am to be the one to break this to you, I am going to have to wager that a forensic investigation of Laura Govan's underwear drawer would most likely turn up the DNA of someone other than the babydaddy of the four-year-old she conceived with her estranged ex-boyfriend shortly after he signed a $65 million contract to play for Michael Jordan's team on the other side of the country.

I know, I know: you too must be shocked to learn that a woman who is engaged to a man who was forced to fake an illness and miss a critical game in order to dodge the paternity suit with which she was threatening to serve him on national television would — after all they had been through together! — be unfaithful. And risk a flare-up of the deep-seated "trust issues" her fiance has harbored towards women since being abandoned in a crack den by his own mother as a small child? How could she?

But what of Shaq, you wonder. And I feel your pain: In spite of the venerable reputation of the news organization Young, Black and Fabulous — which many in the chattering classes see emerging a legitimate rival to the esteemed Crunk & Disorderly — I too was loathe to believe such a teddy bear of a man would succumb to the proverbial Appalachian hiking trip with woman who was already spoken for. After all, as the couple told Extra TV last year, how the couple had toiled to reconcile after his first bout of indiscretion/s!

But facts are facts, and evidence is evidence, and here's what no one's disputing: On or around 10:25 p.m. on the evening of March 5, 2009, one Laura "Lonnie" Govan, the fiance of Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas, emailed Shaquille O'Neal to say, "just wanted to let u know i am here," and proceeded to disclose the name of her hotel.

To which Shaquille O'Neal, happily* married father of six, replied that he was obliged to attend some sort of social engagement first, and asked if he could "come put it in" when he returned, provided she disclosed her room number.

And lest you wondered if it didn't "depends what the meaning of 'it' is", Ms. Govan replied at 10:38 p.m.:

"LOL ur crazy! As long as u taste me n make me cum LOL."

And that, in case u didn't quite catch the significance of that exchange, that was feminism n action. He suggests intercourse, and in return she demands oral sex, thus refusing to subjugate her orgasm to his. The dominance of this transaction in the current landscape of American sex lives represents perhaps the most valid claim the last two waves of feminist movements can make to a single positive legacy — although it more credit is probably due to the Pussywhipper In Chief. (U think Michelle lets POTUS just 'put it n?')

And I know you don't need a refresher course in Hegel to know what this means for u, taxpaying Americans. Between the soaring rates of abortion, welfare queendom and Red State IHOP waitresses looking to dabble in miscegenation, the well-lubricated slope that connects "more women deriving enjoyment from sex" and "the staggering costs of Obamacare sending the American economy the way of Zimbabwe" is not particularly long. The average pro athlete or randy CEO will find sire so many kids he'll qualify for a WIC card, and their lawyers will laugh all the way to the bank…

And while I'm at it: reading the emails I can't help but think of another (supposedly unintended) consequence of the women's movement I read about recently in a book by the same liberal economists who gave Roe v. Wade credit for Rudy Guiliani's crime policies: when educated women started being encouraged to enter the workforce, they stopped becoming teachers, and as a result our children is no longer learning anything. Call me old-fashioned, but LOL, 4 that they give u a PhD?

Maureen Tkacik, J.D., is a fellow at the Doublethink Initiative and the author of nine books, most recently How To Talk To A Philosophy Major: And Other Curious Things I Learned Gallery-Hopping And Shoe-Shopping With The Godless Trustafarian Hypocrites I Met In The Ivy League and, with Samuel Wurzelbacher, If It Looks Like A Libtard, Talks Like A Libtard And Smells Like Patchouli…. She lives in New York.

Minnesota "Wild Fire" Pun Used in Headline [Fire!]

Pareene — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 17:14:53 -0500

Oh, here is some non-skeleton racing news, for you! Everything the Minnesota Wild own burst into flames in Canada, yesterday. Everything! Also they all have the flu.

But they will be playing tonight, goddammit. Even though Canadians burned all their stuff (I assume?), they will play.

We won't watch, obv, but we are super proud of them.

This is the worst sports-related fire incident since Eli Manning literally burned New Cowboys Stadium to the ground while singing "Sumer Is Icumen In" after their Week 2 victory over Dallas.

The Rich Eisen Problem [Declarations]

Peggy_Noonan — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 15:41:18 -0500

America is tired. We are, we're told, by the television, on the "wrong track." We are worried about debt. About our children. We worry, I think, most of all, about the NFL Network broadcasting important late-season games.

As America sits, in the snow, tired, and perhaps hungry—not for change, anymore, but hungry perhaps for optimism, or hungry to once again love and respect and feel warmly toward our on-air talent—what do they really want, besides a rest, for a bit? I think they want to watch professional football on a Saturday. Snowy professional football. And, I think, they are wary of digital satellites.
***
When I was a girl, America watched football for free. President Kennedy told us to be proud of our Founding Fathers, our moral courage, our free market of ideas, and as he instructed us to look to the stars, America received football from the sky, with rabbit ears and pride. Sometimes we drove cars and listened to football. I wonder—have you listened to football, in a car, recently? Has anyone? Did we lose something, as a country, when we stopped listening to football? I think so, sometimes. But some didn't. Some still do.

In a Catholic childhood in America, you were once given, as the answer to the big questions: It is a mystery. As I grew older I was impatient with this answer. Now I am probably as old, intellectually, as I am going to get, and more and more I think: It is a mystery. I am more comfortable with this now; it seems the only rational and scientific answer.

Out in the country, strong, heroic men pulled football from the air with enormous white dishes 12 feet across. And they did it without complaining. For their efforts they were, sometimes, rewarded with free HBO. They didn't lock their doors at night. In fact, they opened them. They opened them to neighbors—the Cowboys fan, the Colts fan. They tended to their lawn.

And then our president, America's youthful, dynamic president, cut everyone's taxes.
***
I imagine a dialogue between a football fan—a young man, a strong American—and Matt Millen.

FOOTBALL FAN: "I want to watch the football game tonight!"

MATT MILLEN: "Tell it to your cable provider!"

FOOTBALL FAN: "I am a football fan! An American! I work! It is your job, football commentator for the league's official broadcast organ, to talk to cable providers! It is my job to work for a living and then to watch the Saints!"

MATT MILLEN: "Our hands are tied. We passed up easy money because we didn't want you, football fan, to watch football on an inferior Comcast-owned channel. It was called 'Versus.' It would've been terrible. And now Comcast will own NBC!"

FOOTBALL FAN: "How can you have Thursday Night Football on Saturday? Do you respect us, at all?"

MATT MILLEN: "Our post-game show is really good! Our on-air personalities delightful! You would love us, Football Fan!"

FOOTBALL FAN: "You are Matt Millen. You are a failure. I fire you! As an American Voter, I fire you, Matt Millen, from commentating on games."
***
Many years ago, in an airport, after I saw a Mexican, a man said to me, "we don't care what you do in New York." What I think he meant was that he cares, a great deal, what we do in "New York," and "New York" means "places where homosexuals live" and also "asking amusing celebrities about their fantasy football teams." He meant—that is fine, for you, out there. Your arrangements, your digital satellites, your streaming illegally on the internet, if that is how you must live than that is how you must live. But it is a problem when those arrangements, those tiered sports packages, are imposed on those who are uninterested in them.

For years now, without anyone declaring it or even noticing it, we've had a compromise on television. Do you want, or will you allow into your home, football analysis that is graphically irreverent, highly ironic, or reflective of cultural messages that you believe may be destructive? Do you want Rich Eisen? Fine, get cable. Pay for it. Buy your premium package, it's your money, spend it as you like.

But the big broadcast networks are for everyone. They are free, they are available on every television set in the nation, and we watch them with our children. The whole family's watching. Higher, stricter standards must maintain.

I'd like to see a poll on this. Yes or no: Have we become a more vulgar country? Is there something called the American Character, and do you think it has, the past half-century, improved or degenerated? If the latter, what are the implications of this? Most importantly: Is America ready for some football? Where are our rowdy friends, tonight?

Zach Lund Is Not One Of Those Balding Dudes Who Shave Their Heads Because They Are Like, In Denial About The Bald Thing [Baldsledding]

Moe — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:44:35 -0500

Did you know propecia could be used to mask commonly exploited performance-enhancing drugs? But here's why (besides, like, duh?) to "just say no" to this "folly of follicles", courtesy top-ranked "skeleton racer" Zach Lund…

(That is right, we putatively care about sports like "skeleton racing" right now because a whole four years have passed since the last time all those sports they made up so they would have something to air between ice dancing competitions: it's Olympics Time!)

And four years ago this winter, "skeleton racer" Zach Lund — hey, he is cute — was the favorite to win a gold medal in this particular sport, but then he tested positive for propecia.

"Well duh!" he said. "I have been on that shit since high school… " (Aw.)

"My biggest insecurity my whole life was my hair," Lund tells today's Times.

But four years (and "text messages" of encouragement, touching) Zach is now liberated from his enslavement to the wholly unachievable standards of beauty perpetuated by the media to sell habit-forming pharmaceuticals and sundry other high-margin consumer goods: "Now, without hair," he tells the Times, "I'm as secure as I've ever been."

And also — and this may be a factor in the aforementioned "secure" thing — much more doable without hair, are you with me on this?

At any rate, in case I have to spell out the "servicey" element here: men, don't use bonerkilling hair-restoration drugs, even if you are not a "professional athlete" who is also by the way tall, because no woman has really given a shit about a dude's hair since 1994, when Zach Lund probably got the idea to take propecia from that Liz Phair song or something.

(Also: apologies on the late post. "Weather-related" internet problems, etc.)

Redskins Owner Surprisingly Tone Deaf on Issue of Racial Sensitivity [Rooney Rule]

Pareene — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:27:54 -0500

White guy Dan Snyder fired white guy Vinny Cerrato and immediately replaced him with white guy Bruce Allen, so that he can bring in either white guy Mike Shanahan or THIS (white) GUY Jon Gruden. Isn't there some rule...?

Yes, there is a rule! It is called the "Rooney Rule," and it is designed to encourage diversity without forcing it. It operates under the assumption that entrenched, structural discrimination at the executive level has led to, basically, the exact same familiar white faces being shuffled from team to team as qualified minority candidates are simply overlooked. But Goodell says the Redskins, who are patently obviously guilty of exactly the behavior that this rule was designed to address, are in total compliance, because, who knows, they probably had themselves an interview in which Sherm Lewis radioed his best and worst qualities as a manager to Sherm Smith who relayed them to Snyder as Bruce Allen waited for the laser printer to finish delivering his contract.

Hooray for following the letter but ignoring the intent of the law! And hail to the Washington Redskins, champions of diversity!

It seems like they could've thought this one through a little better. A team whose most storied owner decided that "Redskins"—referring, in the most demeaning and reductive way imaginable, to the members of a series of nations that were effectively victims of an intentional campaign of extermination at the hands of the US government—had a better ring to it than "Braves," and who refused to integrate the team until ordered to do so by Congress, a team with this history might think twice about openly flouting the NFL's one single lone rule designed to diversify front offices. You would think!

And that they should openly ignore the rule in order to bring in Bruce Allen is deliciously oblivious icing on the cake of racial insensitivity. Redskins fans still adore George Allen senior, but in Virginia these days the Allen family is known primarily for the disastrous meltdown of the political career of George Allen the younger, a man from Chicago and California who adores Confederate flags and incredibly obscure racial epithets.

(Not, of course, that Bruce necessarily shares his asshole older brother's racism. All we know about their relationship is that "George hurled him through a sliding glass door" when he refused to go to bed, according to their sister Jennifer.)

So the Washington Post has held a little opinion roundtable, here, that is mostly made up of people being like "oh this is a shame there is so much work to do but we are getting there, slowly," and of course one fucking white guy who is all "AFFIRMATIVE ACTION IS REVERSE RACISM DID YOU WANT THEM TO HIRE A LOSER JUST BECAUSE HE'S A BLACK THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A NEGRO QUALIFIED TO MANAGE THE FIGHTING INJUN FOOTBALL TEAM." (That white guy is, of course, KSK contributor Monday Morning Punter, who I hope is not too upset that I think his contribution to the debate is stupid.)

Anyways! All of this is a moot point, because the Redskins are now buried under a mountain of snow (ironical!) and no one will ever hear from any of them again.

Bears Grounded in Chicago [Christmas Is Canceled]

Pareene — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 11:51:13 -0500

The Chicago Bears are unable to make it to Baltimore, because of the massive terrible snowstorm that literally everyone in the mid-Atlantic area is being a tremendous baby about.

The Bears apparently sat on the runway at O'Hare for two hours before they gave up. So, who knows, maybe they'll leave this afternoon, or Sunday morning, or whatever. Maybe they will continue sitting in planes for a while? The snow is actually just getting worse, so let's just declare both of these teams busts for the season and let them begin working out their issues without having to play tomorrow.

Injured Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher, reached at a house party in Evanston, reportedly said that the team needs to get back to a harder, more traditional Bears style of transportation to games, like hitchhiking or makeshift rafts. "Say what you want about Kyle [Orton]," Urlacher said, "but the guy knew how to depart Chicago and arrive in another municipality with an NFL franchise in a timely fashion, and that formula worked for us."

Still Looking For Old Saint Dick [Duan!]

DAULERIO — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 18:15:58 -0500

It's never good to let a coach's unfortunate firing ruin a joyful time of the year — and a perfectly good Christmas card. Remember when Dick Jauron was tactfully "removed" from the Bills' team photo? The team made lemonade.

A reader named "Dan" says that the Bills (or someone) is still having fun with the 2009 team photo where fired head coach Dick Jauron is still nowhere to be found.

Deadspin,

I work in a college football office and received a Christmas *ahem* Holiday Card from the Buffalo Bills Scouting Department. Inside the card was a picture I remembered seeing on Deadspin from the "Looking for Dick" post. Only difference being that Santa had magically appeared in such photo. Further proof that the Bills spend more time on photoshop then they do scouting players. See attached.

And...voila.

****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Tune in tomorrow for the Deadspin Anarchy Team of Moe, Parene, and Peggy Noonan doing their best sports blogger impersonations. Rump-a-pum-pum.

Milton Bradley Will Now Be Mistreated By A New Fan Base [Hotfuckingstove!]

Tommy Craggs — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 17:30:09 -0500

The Chicago sports media trade Milton Bradley to Seattle for the remains of Carlos Silva. Nick Johnson will compete for a spot on the Yankees' disabled list. Ladies and gentlemen, this is HOT FUCKING STOVE.

• The Yankees are looking at Mark DeRosa, which is bad news if only because it'd give Mike Lupica a new gritty exemplar of Playing Baseball the Right Way whom he can dry-hump in his column.

• Hal Steinbrenner says he's concerned about Boston's moves thus far. "It's concerning," Hal Steinbrenner says. In a town called New York, in a newspaper called the Daily News, a man called Lupica expresses an opinion.

• Cliff Lee was hunting deer in Arkansas when he heard he had been traded, and then he was very sad.

• Baseball Prospectus' Joe Sheehan can't get over the big pile of money Roy Halladay just left on the table: "The story here is that one of the best players in baseball took somewhere between 35-50 percent of his market value to facilitate a trade, leaving somewhere between $60 and $100 million in guaranteed money on the table. This is a staggering upset, one for which there is virtually no comparison in baseball history."

• Ken Rosenthal throws some shit at the wall.

• The Rangers don't like the looks of Mike Lowell's thumb.

• The Mets shrewdly hold firm on their offer to overpay Jason Bay for four years, not five.

• The Braves sign Crash Davis.

You Will Be Shocked To Learn The Lingerie Football League Is Not A Classy Operation (UPDATE) [Lingerie Football League]

Tommy Craggs — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:20:17 -0500

The Smoking Gun has revealed the Lingerie Football League to be a cheap, exploitative outfit that behaves goonishly toward its own athletes, which is acceptable in America only if you're the NFL.

The Smoking Gun got its hands on a letter from one of the league's lawyer to nine former players. It threatens legal action over the "posting of false and defamatory internet posts regarding the Lingerie Football League, its current players and League Staff." It's not clear what the posts were, but the site reports:

According to several former players, league founder Mitchell Mortaza and his deputies have repeatedly threatened legal action when players have complained (or simply inquired) about health coverage and wages. [...] Mortaza, a former "Blind Date" contestant whose rap sheet includes drunk driving and public intoxication arrests, is the league's chief enforcer. In an October e-mail to a player who had written to him about disorganized practices, Mortaza responded, "Let me give you a little advice and this goes for any other player creating unnecessary, drama. Simply SHUT UP and play football."

And if, in the course of playing football, they were to flash a little skin, well, so be it. It's in their contracts:

Player shall wear wardrobe provided by Producer. In light of the foregoing, said wardrobe material shall be "non-see through" material. Player shall not wear any additional garments under wardrobe provided by Producer without prior written consent from Producer. Should Player violate this clause, Player shall be fined a total sum of Five Hundred Dollars ($500.00) per occurrence.

NUDITY: Player has been advised and hereby acknowledges that Player's participation in the Event and the related practice sessions and Player's services and performances hereunder may involve accidental nudity. In light of the foregoing, Player knowingly and voluntarily agrees to provide Player's services hereunder and has no objection to providing services involving Player's accidental nudity.

Arbitrary fines, horrible contracts, bullying management-types, picayune rules about wardrobe, total disregard for the health of the players. It's just like the NFL, the only difference being that the NFL shows a lot more ass.

UPDATE: The league responds:

Hi Tommy,

We here at the Lingerie Football League wanted to make certain you had both sides of the story. We refused to go on the record with Smoking Gun because they have a personal friendship with the bitter former player that planted this story.

Instead of focusing on a few players that were either released for missing mandatory practices, lack of talent, being overweight or simply quit themselves, why not focus on the 250+ active players in the league that love their LFL experience and appreciate the opportunity. Or maybe focus on the fact that league's attendance for the 2nd home game is up nearly 50% percent or the fact that we currently have record traffic at LFLUS.com or that we have already gained 2 expansion markets in 2010.

We can assure you, the player that planted this story with Smoking Gun desperately wanted back into the league very recently and only fabricated this story because she was denied re-entry.

In relation to covering injuries, we have had over 100 injuries this season both severe and minor, each have been well taken care of by our league and extensive medical group partners in each team market. I invite you to meet with any one of a multitude of active players that either have been injured or are currently on injured reserve and receiving top-notch medical care.

Secondly, we do not allow players to wear unapproved wardrobe under their uniforms to avoid any sponsor conflicts, we provide other wardrobe and/or covering to avoid accidental nudity. Any active player knows this policy and reasoning for it, it has nothing to do with encouraging nudity. In fact, we fine and terminate players that purposely try to disrobe another player, once again, you would know this if you interviewed an active player or reached out to the league for comment. We have had instances where players attempt to wear unofficial sponsor gear under their uniform, this policy discourages it.

Lastly, if you interview any active player or the thousands on our waiting list awaiting their opportunity to play in the LFL, you will find that they view the LFL as an experience of a lifetime. Not to mention that they become instant sports celebrities in their towns and make life-long memories/friendships. The league also covers all travel, meals, hotels, equipment, wardrobe etc. I challenge you to find another women's pro football league that has this level of benefit for it's players.

Best Regards,

Stephon McMillen
Media Director
Lingerie Football League, LLC.

Lingerie League Gets Litigious [The Smoking Gun]

Gawker Media Seeks Brave Interns To Navigate Nasty Comments Section [Announcements]

DAULERIO — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:13:55 -0500

Those of you out there with ninja aspirations at some of the other Gawker web properties may be interested in this opportunity. No sex required.

Gawker Media seeks a few brave interns to work in comments and serve
our beloved communities. The interns will work on behind-the-scenes
administrative tasks and quality oversight. Applicants should have
several days per week to devote to these duties. Strong communication
skills, familiarity with Gawker Media blogs and commenting
communities, and excellent decision-making abilities a must. New York
City-based is preferred, but remote applicants will be considered.
College internship credit available to those who qualify. Send email
with bio, resume, commenter username and subject line 'Community
Internship' to communityintern (at) gawker dot com.

A New, Moderately Offensive Podcast Is Open For Business [Podcasts]

DAULERIO — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 15:25:48 -0500

Please go take a listen to the Spider And The Henchman show on Adam Carolla's podcast network. I'm honored I was picked to be their first guest. Topics of note: Tiger, Magic's HIV, and Eddie Murphy's tranny parties. Gurgle. [SpiderAndTheHenchman]

The One With Intense Negotiations About Brett Favre's Butt Tattoo [Deleted Scenes]

DAULERIO — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 14:30:52 -0500

We get a massive amount of tips in our inbox each week. Some are pretty interesting, but don't get published for one reason or another.

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

It's Like Glengarry, Glen Ross Over Here...But Not

FAVRE PEDDLER:

Hey Aj, I have a picture of Brett Favre getting a tattoo on his butt! Great thing is nobody knows he even has it! Let me know if you would be a player on it.

Thanks, xxxxx

ME:

What? Sure?

FAVRE PEDDLER: Im asking if you would be intrested in purchasing this picture. It is a picture of Brett Favre laying down smiling at the camera while getting a tattoo on his ass. It really is fantastic! People are gonna love it! haha

ME:

Yes. For $53.

FAVRE PEDDLER:

Haha, thanks anyway bro

ME:

Oh, did you want thousands of dollars for it? I'm pretty sure it's not
going to do anything more than 10k in pageviews on the site, which
based on my calculations puts your photo worth exactly $53 through our
system. Just how it is. Maybe I could go to $107 if it does 20k.

(ED. Note: Made up calculations.)

FAVRE PEDDLER:

Nope didnt want thousands. Something like this is worth more than $53. Maybe not to you and thats fine, but it is elsewhere.

ME:

Fine. Then what are you looking for?

FAVRE PEDDLER:

500

FAVRE PEDDLER:

Here's the pic. What do you think?

(Ed. Note: Not Full Pic)

ME:

Eh. Yeah. Not gonna pay for that, unfortunately. Good luck shopping it
elsewhere.

(Ed. Note: If anyone else is interested in purchasing this photo of Brett Favre getting a tattoo on his butt, please contact this man here)

Brian Kelly Is Scared of Black People

My mom dates one of his old coaches...I wont say his name because BK just offered him a job back with him at Notre Dame. My moms boyfriend took a job coaching last year coaching/recruiting at a larger school in a different conference. Lets just say, from what I hear... When it comes to recruiting and discipline Kelly is afraid to talk to the black kids. Whenever kelly wanted to yell or discipline a black kid, hed made the other coach do it... Whenever he needed to recruit a kid from the rough parts of michigan, hed send someone else... Also... Ive heard hes a crazy ego-maniac and after one loss last year he yelled at the entire coaching staff, "IM GOING TO FIRE ALL OF YOU."

Those Journalism Classes Came In Handy

It's better than before i guess but still not great...I guess I question the techniques you guys use to confirm your information and how you go about getting your information. I could have gone on Facebook, found some kid that sorta looked like him and sent you some information saying it was Eric Berry from University of Tenessee and you guys would have posted it and possibly hurt that kids draft status because you are looking for dirt on someone. That's the impression I have of what went on with Gerald's name. Someone sent you a picture of a kid with a bandana over his face and said it was Gerald and you guys posted that.

Sounds to me like someone is a Gator Hater. I don't really care about that, but when you smear a high school kids name and reputation like that, my advice is to make sure you are sure. They were talking about your website on ESPN radio yesterday (which I'm sure is exactly what you want), but I took a few journalism classes in college. I hope you expect ethical and quality pieces with some journalistic integrity from your writers. I feel this piece and the posting that remains is somewhat lacking in that.

Again, I have tons of information and there is a great article written in the local paper here about what type of kid Gerald Christian is. I urge you and your writer to read that article and talk to Gerald and his family to find out about the real Gerald Christian. If you take the time to do that (I would hope you would since the time was taken to write and post something negative), I think you will agree that there is no way that picture is of him.

Here is the link to the article:

http://www.pbgametime.com/news/dwyers-gerald-christian-may-be-a-highly-recruited-tight-end-but-hes-a-great-quarterback-on-defens/66949/

Sincerely,
Paul Meunier
Assistant Football Coach
W.T. Dwyer H.S.

Apologies To Those Dominicans Who Were Offended

come to a real dominican and call him a wetback or spic. you dont know what you fucking with you hairy dirty racist asshole. keep dominicans out of your shitty articles unless you dont want bigger problems your way and this isnt email internet bully shit this is real life. and trust me you live in new york theres a whole neighborhood of mutherfucking dominicans right next to you so be careful what you right.

And There Goes Our First Black Female Reader

Okay,

first we get this post on Deadspin, granted not from you:

(NFL.com Gives The Fans A (Stupid, Racist) Voice By Dashiell Bennett Dec 7, 2009 2:15 PM)

Then you deem fit to offer up a drink to, press your tiny wee-wee against, thrust your chinless-wondered, creepazola mustached tongue down the throat of and spread the legs for the world to see of this racist vitriol:

• And one emailer is so irate, he can't even curse properly:

michael vick-michael jackson-majic johnson-barry bonds-cesar cedeno-daryl strawberry-ben johnson-plaxico burris-oj simpson-alan iverson-malcolm x-adam clayton powell-the nfl player who murdered his pregnant wife [nc panthers] and more....Millionaires all with serious character flaws.....has there ever been a GREAT black hero devoid of scandal? maybe hank aaron?cassius clay? tw can't be in the list cos' he's half thai,correct? that would make him a tycoon...............hope his dick ornament wife breaks his fookin' fingers-THEN his fookin bank account!

Tycoon? Are you kidding me?
How fucking mighty "Ca" (as in Cablinasian) of you.

A.J. Daulerio, kiss my "bl" ass!

-Yvette

And A Happy Nude Year

OK, Don't Blame Drew: ASU Coach Pat Murphy Was Forced Out Amid NCAA Allegations [College Baseball]

Tommy Craggs — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 14:30:08 -0500

The NCAA is accusing Arizona State's baseball program of nine violations, including the dreaded "lack of institutional control." Let's hope the NCAA's source is better than ours. [Arizona Republic, also]

Are SportsNation's Poll Questions Tough Or Very Tough? [Queries]

Tommy Craggs — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 13:30:44 -0500

Another question: Are the 40,000-plus people who responded either bored with their lives or very bored? [ESPN, h/t reader JB]

Time To Start Worrying About The Brains Of Hockey Players, If You Weren't Already [Nhl]

Tommy Craggs — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 12:45:05 -0500

Reggie Fleming, a brawling defenseman from hockey's pre-helmet days, died recently at age 73 with the same sort of neurodegenerative disease found in boxers and football players. So now the NHL can pretend to address the issue, too!

According to The New York Times' Alan Schwarz and Jeff Z. Klein, Fleming, who played from 1959 to 1974 and who can now be seen on YouTube either punching Bobby Orr in the face or talking haltingly with his son from a rehabilitation bed, was found by researchers at Boston University to have chronic traumatic encephalopathy, which is associated with repeated head trauma. (Read the Toronto Globe and Mail's story, too, if only for the bracing images of brain tissue.) That's the same disease identified in 11 former NFL players. The NHL responded to the news with an expression of profound concern and a full-throated commitment to research and the spirit of inquiry:

Bill Daly, the deputy commissioner of the N.H.L., said in a statement that the league would have no comment on McKee's diagnosis until it "had a chance to read and digest it."

Fleming's story is sad enough, and there are surely many more like it from his generation. His son, Chris, told the Times his father never knew how many concussions he sustained during his career; no one ever bothered to keep records. After his career, Fleming was diagnosed a manic depressive; he drank and got into fistfights on the street. The Canadian magazine profiled him at the tail end of his playing days, and after today's news, you wonder both about the causes and effects of moments like this:

All the wars of all the nights of the past suddenly rage through Reggie Fleming's mind and, spinning, he attacks Harris, fists up and swinging, the crowd shrieking. Fleming misses with a wild right hook. Harris slams him in the face with a right, a left, drives a right deep in to Fleming's belly. Fleming gasps, doubles over and Harris slams his head back with an uppercut. The crowd screams with delight. The other players watch. Fleming swings blindly at Harris but Harris moves in, punches him furiously in the face and head and hurls him against the boards. Harris pulls Fleming's jersey over his head, tosses him to the ice, jumps on him and flails away. Blood appears on Fleming's jersey, spreading fast like ink on a blotter. Harris doesn't let up and Fleming is helpless. It's brutal and sickening to watch and finally it's broken up. To boos and thrown debris, Fleming leaves the ice, gasping for breath, blood pouring down his battered face. He heads to the dressing room, alone, closes the door softly behind him, and sits on the bench. From far away come the crowd noises. He says nothing, takes off his jersey, throws it in a corner. He turns back, closes his eyes for a few seconds. He opens them and looks at his hands, turning them slowly. They're trembling.

"Sometimes," he says softly and haltingly, "Sometimes I wish ... I wish I could control myself just once. It's ... it's the kids. I go home and they see the cuts and bruises and—" He doesn't finish the sentence. He lifts his hands to his face. For a long time he's quiet and then, from behind the red swollen hands, a long, shuddering sigh. In the morning, the children will see him. He knows what they will ask. And he knows, as always, he won't have an answer.

It probably speaks to the chances of hockey actually doing anything about the violence of its sport that the above story was posted, in tribute to Fleming, on a site called hockey-fights.com.

Photo via this guy's Photobucket

Brain Damage Found in Hockey Player [The New York Times]
Former NHLer had condition linked to concussions at time of death [Toronto Globe and Mail]
Reggie Fleming passes away at 73... [hockey-fights.com]

How Tiger Woods Bought Off The National Enquirer [Media Meltdowns]

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 11:55:43 -0500

In one of the strangest twists of the Tiger Woods saga, it turns out that this whole public breakdown could have happened two years ago, if only Tiger hadn't cut a deal to squelch some "incriminating" photos back in 2007.

Tiger's current predicament began just before Thanksgiving when the National Enquirer first ran the story that he was stepping out with Rachel Uchitel. But according to a recent rumor, confirmed today by the Wall Street Journal, the Enquirer had photos of Tiger in a "liaison" with another woman all the way back in the summer of 2007. In August of that same year, Tiger gave an unusually in-depth profile that was featured on the cover of Men's Fitness, which is owned by American Media Inc.—the parent company of the Enquirer.

AMI officially denies it, but several employees told the Journal that Tiger struck a written deal with the company to kill the Enquirer story in exchange for the exclusive with Men's Fitness. Some might say that was bribery by the Woods camp. Other might call it blackmail by AMI. One source said the pictures were so bad, they would have proved nothing and the Enquirer probably wouldn't have been able to publish them anyway. But they were sufficiently scary that Woods was able to negotiate a deal to keep them quiet.

(Less surprising, but equally shady: Golf Digest spends nearly $1 million a year to basically keep Tiger on retainer, which is partly what made the Men's Fitness story so suspicious.)

That leads to the ultimate question. If Tiger knew over two years ago that the National Enquirer was on to his skirt-chasing ways, why didn't he clean up his act? Or at least do a better job of covering his tracks? He should have known that it would only be a matter of time before the Enquirer (or someone else) got even better photos that would be worth a whole lot more to them than a Men's Fitness cover story. Yet, he doesn't appear to have altered his behavior in any way. They pushed an iceberg into his path and he decided to turn the boat north and speed up.

How Tiger Woods Protected His Image [WSJ]

Other Tiger Tidbits:

• His streak of consecutive New York Post front page appearances remains alive at 20. Even the sensational tale of a robber gunning down three generations of one family in an Upper West Side heroin den (and then slipping on a fire escape and falling to his death) couldn't push him completely of the board. Well done.

• Phoenix is all a-flutter over rumors that Tiger is about to check into a local rehab center for sex addiction treatments. Hey, it's more interesting than the Coyotes.

• Tiger Woods once used a cell phone ... in front of his wife! The sheer hubris is mindboggling.

• Michael Phelps: He gets it.

More Ohio State Rappers Respond To Oregon Duck Lovers [College Football]

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 10:45:13 -0500

This year is going to be the best Rose Bowl halftime show ever. [YouTube; Previously]

South Florida Player Speaks, Takes Coach's Side [College Football]

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 10:10:32 -0500

Joel Miller, the USF walk on who coach Jim Leavitt is accused of striking, has finally given his own take on the story. He's defending Leavitt—just like his brother said he had no other choice but to do.

Miller told ESPN's Joe Schad that Leavitt has nothing to apologize for. He merely "grabbed my shoulder pads to motivate me, because he's a passionate guy." (That's for sure.) Joel says his family's side of the story is being "misrepresented," which is just baffling because they clearly got their side of the story from him and I don't see how you can misrepresent the sentence, "Leavitt, for lack of a better term, is an 'a-hole.'" Not a lot of ambiguity there.

And if this whole thing wasn't enough of a mess, Miller was not even supposed to be talking to anyone because South Florida is in the middle of their own investigation and the interview with Schad was not approved by the athletic department. Maybe Leavitt didn't do anything wrong, but when you're own father changes his story, your own brother says you're afraid to talk because "you have everything to lose," then you immediately start talking and absolve your coach of any possible wrongdoing, it doesn't exactly seem like everything is on the level. Sort of like everything else in college football.

South Florida player alleged to have been struck by coach says reports are untrue [ESPN]
SPORTSbyBROOKS » Unauthorized ESPN Interview Makes Leavitt's Case [Brooks]

Last Night's Winner: Gamblers (Half Of Them) [Last Night's Winner]

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 09:00:56 -0500

In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like people who had money riding on a full-strength Indianapolis team actually giving a crap against Jacksonville. If you bet the other way...there's always slot machines.

The Colts had nothing to play for except the tantalizing hope of a perfect season, but there was no way for fantasy owners and gambling addicts to know ahead of time if they would go all out or not. On the other hand, they were playing against the Jaguars. So maybe "all out" is not the best way to describe the Indy performance, but they did enough to get the win and cover.

And Jacksonville got a sellout for the first time all season, so everyone wins. Unless you assumed the Colts wouldn't try, and in that case you lost big. Oopsie. There's always another Thursday Night game on Saturday!

Honorable mention: Anyone who ate dessert at the Gawker Media holiday party last night. I don't know what they put in that flan, but whoever made that stuff was an artist.

Comcast Just Messing With Us Now [Wake Up Deadspin!]

Barry Petchesky — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 06:30:00 -0500

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•The Comcast game descriptions were bizarre, but at least they've been accurate. Until last night. We're just a few weeks away from retired, dead, and non-basketball-related players from being featured. (Thanks to readers Scott and, um, "Bowser" for the screengrab.)

•The Colts escape again, holding on against the Jags and moving to 14-0. I know it's never happened before, so it's odd to say a team will follow that path, but: don't these Colts have the feel of a team that will go 16-0 and get knocked out in their first playoff game?

•Jim Schwartz tells it like it is, saying a good number of Lions are "castoffs from other teams." Ahh, Detroit. It's like the UFL of the NFL.

•Bobby Knight takes a shot at John Calipari, and he's kind of got a point. I guess it all depends on how you like your sleaze: boisterous and overt in a red sweater, or underhanded and slick in an Armani suit.

•The Rams canceled practice because everyone's got Swine Flu. You know, symptoms can last up to a month. Maybe they should just call the whole season off.

•Tiger Woods has made the front page of the New York Post 19 20 straight days. That pushes him past Jack Nicklaus's record, from that time he killed that hobo.

•••••

So, holy shit, last night was the 20th anniversary of The Simpsons' original airdate. The first sports guest voice was Magic Johnson, pre-HIV admission. Feel old yet?

ASU Baseball About To Set A Dubious Record [College Baseball]

Barry Petchesky — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 02:00:00 -0500

With the pending investigation of "major infractions," Arizona State could become the all-time leader in NCAA violations. Purists demand a playoff, so that FSU can have its shot. [Arizona Republic]

Overzealous Phillies Fan Gets Her Day In Court [Mlb]

Barry Petchesky — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 00:30:00 -0500

The woman accused of offering sex for World Series tickets had a preliminary hearing, featuring graphic testimony and topless photos. The dog wasn't part of either. We hope.

You remember Susan Finkelstein, the Philadelphia woman who allegedly offered to trade herself for a ticket to see the Phillies lose the World Series. The undercover cop who busted her told us much more than we wanted to hear:

I admit it. I'm a prostitute. I love sex. I'm a whore," the Bensalem police officer testified that Finkelstein had told him as he posed as "Bob" at Manny Brown's in Bensalem.

She talked about "how much she loved anal sex," he said, alleging later that she pulled up her denim skirt to expose her genital area and asked, "You wanna touch it?"

To be fair, this is a common part of the mating ritual in Bensalem. But this next part's not:

Finkelstein, 43, was also told in an e-mail written by Sgt. Robert Bugsch that "Bob" had a brother, Bugsch said on the stand. That apparently upped the possibilities for Finkelstein.

For two tickets, she promised more, Brady testified. "I'll have sex with both of you. I'll let you DP me."

When she says DP, she doesn't mean Rollins to Utley to Howard. (Though that might have been worth all three tickets.)

Sex-For-Tix Case Going To Trial [Philadelphia Daily News]

Green Goblin Only Slightly More Destructive To Bears' Chances Than Jay Cutler [Nfl]

Barry Petchesky — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 23:00:00 -0500

Supervillains will destroy Soldier Field in an upcoming Marvel comic. They were expecting the stadium to have some more protection, but clearly they hadn't seen the current O-line. [Chicago Sun-Times]

Royce White May Be Losing His Mind, But At Least He's Filming It [College Basketball]

Barry Petchesky — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 21:30:00 -0500

The troubled Gophers recruit announced he's leaving the team via a YouTube video. This would be news in itself. But the video itself is so cinematic, so convoluted, so generally bizarre...well, just watch.

The highly prized forward was Minnesota's top recruit, but never played a single game. In October he shoplifted $100 worth of clothes from the Mall Of America, and shoved a security guard. In November he was suspended from the team pending an investigation of a stolen laptop. I guess he's had a lot of time on his hands, because today he released this:

Yes, "The Last Interview" is quite the professional production, starting off with three minutes of White wandering the streets of Minneapolis, set to music. (The slow motion drive-by of Williams Arena is a particularly nice touch.) Then he explains that he's quitting the team to avoid putting his family and teammates through the stress of the ongoing investigation. Then, a photo slideshow of his life and career, again set to music.

The upshot (and upside) of the YouTube/Twitter world we live in is the firsthand access we get to our athletes. But I have to admit, watching a kid confused and frustrated at not being able to do the only thing he wants to do with his life is pretty uncomfortable.

Freed Darko [Nba]

Barry Petchesky — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 20:00:00 -0500

Milicic and his 0.67 ppg is taking his basketball and going home to Europe after this season. We'd declare him officially a bust, but common consensus already declared that six years ago. [NY Post]

Just The #Tips, Please, Starring Insensitive Jay Feely Tweets [Duan!]

DAULERIO — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 18:00:13 -0500

So this is a reminder to all readers and commenters that the #tips is a place for you to submit story ideas and suggestions for us to look over. Please use it at your leisure.

The Ninjas have been instructed to pop-in to that section a little more actively so that it's not overrun by the dreaded pink people offering you Russian mail-order brides and penis enlargement advertisements. We'll do a better job at popping in there from time to time and probably do a round-up type thing to showcase some of the more popular stories you, sports-savvy public, have deemed important. Help me help you help us or something.

For example, it seems that many people would like to see a post on Jay Feely's insensitivity about the Chris Henry accident. It would have been a post that deteriorated into political sniping in the comments (especially if it was written by Craggs) but, hey, that's how it works. And besides — Jay Feely apologized for coming off like a callous jerk soon after his initial Tweet had incensed so many people. I'm just glad Chad Ochocinco didn't compare this day to 9/11.

So use the section. Fun for the whole family.

****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry will be here later tonight to piss off more Florida people.

Now, it's off to the Gawker holiday party where we all get to hang mistletoe from our zippers and bob for pageview bonuses in eggnog.

Nick Johnson Clogs Buster Olney's Bases [Hotfuckingstove!]

Tommy Craggs — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:00:41 -0500

Ken Rosenthal thinks the Red Sox will go Gonzo and that Matt Holliday might consider signing with the Orioles because of God. Buster Olney calls Nick Johnson a "base-clogger," which makes me sad. Read on. HOT FUCKING STOVE.

• Five years from now, when Phillies fans gaze upon the landfill of the team's farm system, they will blame Roy Halladay's kid.

• The A's are the lucky Pierre of the Phillies-Blue Jays deal. They get Michael Taylor, bona fide stud and diabetic. Type 1 diabetes is the new on-base percentage.

• Godzilla is in Anaheim.

• Hee Seop Choi climbed a mountain.

• The inevitable George Will, author of Muppet Dilettante at Work, is inflicting himself on baseball again.

Rough Season For The Flyers Naturally Leads To Cuckolding Rumors [Nhl]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 15:30:15 -0500

A season that many thought would be a promising turning point for the Philadelphia Flyers has devolved into a chaotic nightmare of failed playoff dreams. So obviously someone must be banging a teammate's wife, right?

Right around the time that the Flyers were drubbed by division rival Pittsburgh this week, the blog "The Philly Four" addressed the rumor that dissension had split the Philly locker room in half. The alleged cause of the partisan bickering? Centerman Jeff Carter is boning the wife of teammate Scott Hartnell. Ouch.

A source close to the Flyers (who is not the editor of this website) tell us that the affair rumor is untrue, although there is a history of these sorts of stories being bandied about. Urban legend has it that Philly's own Rod Brind'Amour was traded to Carolina after Eric Lindros slept with his woman. Ted Nolan was allegedly fired from his coaching duties in Buffalo because he slipped one past the goalie's wife. Brendan Shanahan's current spouse is the ex-spouse of his former St. Louis Blues teammate Craig Janney. (That one is true, actually.) Basically, anytime two guys on a hockey team don't get along, every one just automatically assumes that someone slipped into someone else's penalty box It's (almost) always nonsense, but it does make for good barroom talk.

However, the Flyers are in a tailspin and the rumors of locker room strife appear to be valid. The team has lost 11 of their last 14 games, already fired one head coach, and the playoff teams are slowly starting to drift out of view. The team has been dogged for months about their lack of discipline both on and (especially) off the ice. Their GM called them out on their love of the nightlife during the offseason and their new coach called them out on it yesterday! (The gang even crashed a frat's date party last year, for Hextall's sake.) Old Man Chris Pronger was brought in to add a little gravitas and leadership for the younger players and all anyone can talk about is him butting heads with the team's much younger captain, Mike Richards. It's like the first half of a really bad sports movie, except I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for an inspiring turnaround or a romantic comedy to develop.

There's also the distinct possibility that GM Paul Holmgren has built a team full of guys who simply don't like each other. A man doesn't have to screw your wife for you to think that he's a total prick.

Flyers are a team in disarray [Courier-Post]
Flyers' Holmgren urges patience [Philadelphia Inquirer]
[Picture of Hartnell and wife via]

New York Times Gets A Piece Of The Tiger Action With Its Hysterical PED Story [Tiger Woods]

Tommy Craggs — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 15:00:00 -0500

Tony Galea was arrested in October after a pack of Mounties found HGH and something called Actovegin in his medical bag. Neither, so far as science knows, is a performance-enhancing drug, but people have decided to lose their minds anyway.

First, let's note that Galea's arrest two months ago was covered extensively in the Canadian press. No one much cared Stateside until his most famous patient, Tiger Woods, got caught with his dick out, at which point it apparently became such a big deal that it warranted not just the front page of The New York Times, but the efforts of five of its reporters, among them crusading anti-drug Boy Scout Michael Schmidt. (Galea helped Tiger Woods rehab from his knee injury with a perfectly legal treatment called Platelet Rich Plasma, aka "blood spinning.") The Times' story is a tour de force of innuendo and guilt by association and SCARY, SCARY DRUGS journalism, from which we're encouraged to believe that because Galea once paid Tiger a house call, he also used to pump the golfer full of HGH. And the whole thing wobbles precariously on one vague, anonymously sourced sentence: "[Galea] is suspected of providing athletes with performance-enhancing drugs, according to several people who have been briefed on the investigation."

Which drugs, the Times doesn't say. Just "performance-enhancing."

Here's the extent of what we know, via ESPN:

According to federal documents, Catalano [Galea's assistant], 32, declared under questioning by U.S. border authorities that she had medical supplies in her vehicle. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents inspected her Nissan Rogue and found 20 vials and 76 ampoules of unknown misbranded drugs — including human growth hormone — and foreign labeled homeopathic drugs, 111 syringes, a diagnostic ultrasound computer, miscellaneous documents and a laptop computer. Agents notified investigators with the Food and Drug Administration.

The only two drugs named thus far have been Actovegin and HGH, neither of which is a steroid, despite what all these people seem to think. Human Growth Hormone is, of course, one of the most heavily regulated drugs in the country; it can be prescribed for only a handful of uses. Whether HGH constitutes a performance-enhancing drug remains an open question — the balance of clinical studies suggest it doesn't — but in part because no non-invasive test yet exists that can detect its presence, it has become our new PED bogeyman (it's on everyone's banned list, including the PGA's). Which is why our columnists write things like this:

While Galea claims he never has given performance-enhancing drugs to Woods or any other athlete, it more than raises eyebrows when he tells the newspaper that he began injecting himself with HGH five days a week about 10 years ago, after he turned 40. Why? For one reason, he wants to live a longer life with his wife, who he says is 22 years younger than him.

And this:

You know what's really recklessly irresponsible? Dealing with a doctor who has a history of using and prescribing the banned HGH substance, that's what.

SCARY, SCARY DRUGS!

In Canada, as the Times notes, prescribing HGH is legal. Galea may very well be a charlatan; he may even be a drug smuggler. But the mere fact that a doctor legally prescribes HGH as part of his practice is no more indicative of PED-peddling than is a doctor who signs off on a steroid prescription for a lung cancer patient.

And Actovegin? The New York Times calls it "controversial," which is really just a way of saying that French people once bitched about Lance Armstrong taking the stuff. In reality, Actovegin, which is derived from calf's blood, is innocuous enough that even the World Anti-Doping Agency won't put it on its banned list, and these are the same people who once banned caffeine. It is not a controlled substance, as attorney Rick Collins points out, but it hasn't yet been submitted for the FDA's approval process, which is why you can't legally use, sell, or import it. John Hoberman, an author and expert on doping, calls it "one of those dubious things." "It's not medicine," he tells me. "It's probably junk." In 2001, Austin American-Statesman described it thusly:

Contrary to some published reports, Actovegin isn't new, and it isn't akin to the powerful banned blood-booster erythropoietin, known as EPO. There's debate about how much, if any, of a boost Actovegin by itself can provide to athletes, and whether a test could accurately detect its use .

"I've been forced to learn a lot about it," said [Lance] Armstrong, who has denied taking the substance. "It's not what people think it is."

Steven Wolff, a professor of medicine and a hematologist-oncologist at Vanderbilt University, said, "I've looked at a lot of medical research, and none of it is convincing to me that it can be used as a performance-enhancer. It's definitely not like EPO."

So here's what we're talking about: one drug that might've been in Galea's medical bag for perfectly innocent reasons, or even for nefarious ones totally unrelated to sports performance; and another drug that looks to be a notch or two above the acai berry.

But drugs make journalists crazy, and the Galea story has already begun to float free of its moorings. Michael Schmidt is smearing anyone in sight. And Bill Plaschke is boasting that he knew all along about Woods, pointing moronically at Tiger's wayward pecker as if it were proof. He asks: "If a guy is a chronic cheater off the course, what kind of leap is required to believe he could be the same sort of cheater on the course?" A huge leap. Several huge leaps, in fact. We have to believe the Times story, for starters, and then we have to believe that the FBI's suspicions aren't entirely unfounded, and that Galea really did provide athletes with illegal drugs, and that one of those athletes was the greatest golfer on the planet, and that those drugs did in fact have a performance-enhancing effect on the greatest golfer on the planet, and that furthermore that effect constituted an intolerable level of synthetic performance-enhancement in a sport whose practitioners can get 10 more yards off the tees merely by changing drivers. That Plaschke and Schmidt and the rest of the gang seem so eager to make each of those leaps isn't surprising. It's open season on Tiger, and the only thing better than moralizing about sex is moralizing about drugs.

Sports Medicine Pioneer Subject of Doping Inquiry [The New York Times]
Records: Assistant stopped at border [ESPN]
The Tiger Woods story grows bigger, and juicier [Los Angeles Times]
What's Woods Doing With HGH Doctor? [FanHouse]

NFL Network Can Suffer A Rancid Amputation – Your Christmasaroo [Balls Deep]

Drew Magary — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:20:52 -0500

Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.

The two unbeaten teams are playing prime time games on the NFL Network this week. The Colts play the Jags tonight. The Saints play the Cowboys on Saturday Night. The people at NFL Network are, naturally, ecstatic about this development, and have thumped their chests about it ever since last week.

Now, I have the NFL Network in my house. Obviously, I have no personal issue with the league keeping these games on their own network, since I'm able to view that network. And I have no issue with the network's content. The Sunday 7:30PM postgame show with Eisen, Deion, and Stabby McScissorsneck is, hands down, the best postgame show in the universe right now, and perhaps the best postgame wrapup show ever. They clearly modeled it on TNT's NBA studio show, and it worked. Eisen is fucking flawless. I think the network's game coverage is pretty shitty, but I'm used to game coverage being shitty regardless of channel.

But the fact remains that the NFL Network is still not carried by SEVEN of the top 10 cable providers in the United States. If you have Time Warner Cable, or Cablevision, or something else like that, you will not be able to watch these games. If you have Cox cable, you will have to pay extra on your basic package to get the NFL Network. There's no guarantee that the area you live in will have an available cable provider that carries the NFL Network. It is currently available to 70 million homes, which sounds like a lot, unless you're one of the 250 million other assholes who can't get it.

And if you'd like go with DirecTV, you of course know that you must have a clear view of the Southern Sky to be able to get DirecTV in your house or apartment. This would be easy if you lived in, say, Tazmania. Alas, you do not. So this compromises your ability to see the NFL Network and, obviously, purchase Sunday Ticket if you want to (that's a whole other annoying matter).

When the Pats were 15-0 two years ago, the NFL Network was pressured into simulcasting their final regular season game against the Giants on CBS, so that everyone could watch. There's been no indication that the NFL will allow such a thing to happen again this week. Which means, if you don't have the Network, you'll have to get your ass to a bar to watch. I am a football fan, which means I am inherently uninterested in getting up and going places. So this is a decided inconvenience for people of my ilk.

Now, the NFL will tell you that you can't watch the games because the cable networks are a bunch of greedy assholes. And the cable companies will tell you that you can't watch the games because the people at the NFL are a bunch of greedy assholes.

I don't give a shit about any of these arguments. All I know is this: It was the NFL's idea – no one else's – to take these games off regular TV and use them for their own network venture. Now, maybe they thought every cable network would immediately accept their terms and NFL Network would be available to everyone instantly. If that's the case, then they are fucking naïve and stupid. Cable executives will shoot their own parents in the head before they do you a favor, and everyone knows that. It was the NFL's decision to take a portion of the schedule and put it somewhere else, with no guarantee that it would be available to anyone in the country who wanted to see it (and pay the cable or satellite fees necessary for it). It was their STUPID, ANNOYING, RETARDED FUCKING IDEA.

I asked our former editor Will Leitch, who does NOT have the ability to get NFL Net in his home, to comment on this matter. This is what he said: "What's most depressing is that no one even complains about it anymore. It has been six years. It's like my inability to smell. It's just something you accept that you'll never have."

Well, I don't accept it. There are very few weeks left in this NFL regular season, and the idea that the NFL would keep some of its product away from you right when it's getting most necessary is a slight I cannot abide. So that is why I say to the people at NFL Network…

FUCK. YOU.

Fuck you in the mouth, you fucking assholes. You want a bargaining chip with the cable companies, and you're willing to deprive us of games to do so? DIE. Die a million fucking times. I hope your homes get flooded with raw sewage and you develop a worm in your intestines that grows 57 feet long and has fangs, and spends 23 hours a day gnawing on the inside of your rectum until it bleeds liquid stool into the rest of your body. You fucking short-sighted pricks. Five years ago, everyone could watch every prime time game, and there were day games on Saturday in December, and Matt Millen was still off the air. BUT YOU HAD TO GO AND FUCK ALL THAT UP. Piss on you, you FUCKS. Roger Goodell? Eat shit. Steve fucking Bornstein,. CEO of NFL Network? You eat shit and die too. Lemme just check your Wiki page:

Bornstein has four children: Alanna, Carly, Mason and Jude.

Hey Jude! YOUR DAD'S A CUMBUCKET! Naaaaaaa na na nananana!

Steve and his wife Carol in 2002 were featured on the TV show Homes Across America. At the time, they lived in a restored house in Beverly Hills that was once owned by Fred Astaire.

Oh, really? Well, fuck your nice house, fuck Beverly Hills, and fuck Fred Astaire's dancing corpse. I bet you have a clear view of the Southern Sky from Bornstein Acres, don't you? I bet this isn't even a worry for you. Well I hope a pit bull comes and eats your balls.

Get your fucking act together, NFL. Settle this shit, or don't bother with your piddly shit channel.

The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Bengals at Chargers: Dan Dierdorf pointed something out last week that was interesting. No, it's true! He really did! Carson Palmer usually hands off with his left hand, but since he sprained his left hand back in October, he's switched to handing off righty, regardless of play direction. So if the play is going right, Palmer will present the ball to the back with his right hand. When you watch it on replays, it's like he's handing off backhanded. His hand is in the way of the ball on virtually every carry, and it's incumbent on the runner to pluck the ball out of Palmer's hand and make sure that hand doesn't get trapped between the ball and their body. He's been doing this for two freakin' months, and he's only fumbled the ball four times in that span. That's amazing. Tony Romo would fumble the ball fifty times a game if he tried that.

Also, here was Boomer Esiason on Chad Ochocinco last week:

Chad Ochocinco now also fined four times this year. As a wide receiver he's the number one fined wide receiver in football, but he's 19th in receptions. This guy is no longer a Pro Bowl player. He's an absolute sideshow. He's an embarrassment to the franchise. The other aspect to all of this, you would think Marvin Lewis would have enough of it, sit him down and deactivate him. Mike Brown will never allow Marvin Lewis to sit down the sideshow that is Chad Ochocinco. It's a shame, because they're having a great season.

Esiason is a moron. First off, who gives a shit if Ochocinco has been fined? None of his sideline goofs have cost the team penalty yardage. If he wants to be fined $50,000 a week by the league, fine. It makes NO FUCKING DIFFERENCE TO THE OUTCOME OF ANY BENGALS GAME if Ocho is fined by the league for something. Secondly, Ocho is having his best season in ages. Being 19th in the league is receptions is GOOD. That's not a bad thing. Ocho is 15th in receiving yardage. He's 13th in TDs. Among all wideouts with 50 catches or more, he ranks 5th overall in balls caught for first downs. Is he good enough to make the Pro Bowl in the AFC? Probably not. But he's certainly productive. So the idea that a playoff team would bench their most productive receiver permanently because he occasionally tallies fines that are of no detriment to the team is breathtakingly stupid.

Also, the sombrero thing was funny. Get fucked, Boomer.

Cowboys at Saints: About that NFL Network postgame show. I'm convinced the reason it works is because they don't have any tightassed white people on the set. On every other studio show, there's at least one humorless prick there (usually more) to suck the air out of the room. Esiason and Marino on CBS. Howie Long on FOX. Everyone on the ESPN set: Berman, Jackson, Dilfer, Ditka, and on and on and on (People like Berman may crack "jokes," but deep down, they're still humorless assholes who take themselves entirely too seriously). Deion Sanders was horrible on the CBS pregame show. But that was in part because there was no one else on that set that was interested in enjoying himself on the air, and frowned upon anyone who did. And now that Deion is with Eisen, he can be as off-the-cuff as he pleases. And I swear, it fucking WORKS. Every pregame and postgame show would be improved by a million percent if networks dropped the old studio format and went with the TNT model.

Colts at Jaguars: I have no data to back this up, but it's a FACT. You can get away with resting your starters in Week 17, but that's it. One week. If you decide to shut it down for two or three weeks before the playoffs begin, you are fucked.

Also, I feel like Peyton Manning's helmet is on too tightly every week. He takes his helmet off on the sideline, and his forehead is beet fucking red. There are two giant indents from the inside helmet pads there. Tell them to take some air out, Peyton. It looks like your head's in a fucking vise.

Four Throwgasms

Dolphins at Titans: Chris Johnson is the NFL rushing leader with 1,626 yards. That's a full 27% better than 2nd place rusher Steven Jackson. The man is an animal.

Falcons at Jets
49ers at Eagles

Three Throwgasms

Giants at Redskins: Vinny Cerrato is OUT! Bruce Allen is IN! Jon Gruden is coming! THIS GUY, Jon Gruden, THIS GUY IS JUST A FLAT OUT COMPETITOR! This is the part where Redskins fans do a complete 180 on Dan Snyder and envision four Super Bowl titles just around the corner. It happens every couple years or so here, and it's great fun. A return to GLOREE IS COMING ANY DEE NOW, COOCH!

By the way, if Gruden comes in, and the Skins have a high draft pick, and they decide they don't want Jason Campbell anymore, that can only mean one thing... CONCRETE CYANIDE IS COMING TO DC! I eagerly look forward to Dan Shanoff becoming a Redskins fan five months from now. Tim Tebow: He's like a thicker Heath Shuler!

As for the Giants, Justin Tuck is a Conehead. I've seen him without his helmet now to believe he's 100% Conehead. Looks like the top of an egg. He must have been stuck in his mom's birth canal for at least 72 hours.

Two Throwgasms

Packers at Steelers: Those Charlie Sheen and Michael Jordan Hanes ads completely creep me out. Knowing what you know about both these assholes, would you ever buy undergarments from them? Combined, they've given at least six hundred women syphilis and forced a solid fifty abortions. And those are conservative estimates.

Bears at Ravens: I've seen the Levi's ads with the Walt Whitman poetry a solid 800 times now. I think they're really good, but I have to wonder what the Venn Diagram of NFL fans and Walt Whitman fans looks like. Probably looks like a pair of tits.

Patriots at Bills: Last week's discussion of standing to wipe vs. sitting to wipe was enlightening, to say the least. The Fark comments alone will entertain you for hours. But we never talked about what people wipe WITH. You say all people wipe with toilet paper or baby wipes? I think you are mistaken. No, I finish off every poop by wiping with a warm flour tortilla.

Vikings at Panthers: This is the Sunday Night game. Why? Wasn't flex scheduling meant to prevent this kind of shitshow? Indeed it was. But CBS and FOX are allowed to lock one game a week. CBS picked Chargers and Bengals to keep. FOX, I assume, kept Niners-Eagles or Falcons-Jets. Those are not great games, but it's the best of their terrible slate (the NFC is juuuust a bit top heavy this year). NBC could have taken Titans-Dolphins or either of those two games, but elected to go with Favre instead. So be sure to tell the folks at NBC to kiss your ass for subjecting you to the Land Baron once again.

Also, the NFL Network is at fault here somewhat. I'm sure Saints/Cowboys or Colts/Jags would have been nice flex options for NBC, but they're off the table now. So now not only does NFL Network prevent you from watching their games, but they make the games you CAN watch fucking worse.

Cardinals at Lions: Hey, there was no Red Zone Channel last Sunday afternoon! WHAT THE FUCK? There were three games on, and only one of them was worth watching, but still! I paid for that shit. ANDREW SICILIANO, GET YOUR BIG EARS IN THAT FUCKING STUDIO AND TOGGLE FOR ME, YOU TOGGLING BITCH.

Raiders at Broncos

One Throwgasm

Bucs at Seahawks
Texans at Rams
Browns at Chiefs

CANNIBAL CORPSE SONG OF THE WEEK!

"Rancid Amputation," by Cannibal Corpse! Yes, the holidays means it's time, once again, to spend a few minutes with Buffalo's finest death metal band. Who needs chestnuts roasting and whiskers on kittens when Cannibal Corpse has so much more Yuletide spirit to offer the world? Just take a gander at the lyrics to this song, which is one of the band's slower waltzes:

Torsos hang by their own intestines
Raped of all bodily extensions, stumps wreathing in a sludge
Like infection
Suffering through a Rancid amputation
A pulsating artery accompanied by some veins, slit with no restraint
Sacs of pus develop
My muscles tighten as I feel the rush
I look at your body starting to gush

I slice through the limb,
A human dissection portions of half-eaten flesh in my mouth
Starting to chew your now bleeding stump

I will swallow your pus, your own rectal slime
I'll force you to drink

Now who can't see the beauty in this kind of music? Impossible not to be touched. BUT WAIT! Why not sample the lyrics to Addicted to Vaginal Skin? Is the phrase "clit carving" in there? It is! Johnny Mathis sang this on one of his holiday specials. It was a delight. Corpse is still going strong in 2009. In fact, this year they released a new album called "Evisceration Plague," which may or not contain the exact same music from the last album they made, but with new artwork and lyrics. Enjoy such classics as, "Skull Fragment Armor," "Scalding Hail," "Evidence In The Furnace," and "Skewered From Ear To Eye."

Christmas Song Of The Week

"Marshmallow World," by Darlene Love. I tell you what, for a guy who loves recklessly shooting women with guns and sporting terrible wigs, Phil Spector sure could produce one kickass Christmas song.

Open Mailbag Tuesdays
People, I'm sad to say it, but the mailbag is getting TOO poopy of late. It's all poop this and poop that, which is fine with me. But some people like variety, so there you go. So send in some new topics if you got them. Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Email me any question or observation you like.

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Kurt Warner. CRIMINY! You start your fantasy playoffs excited because '99 Warner showed up last week, then he turns around and becomes '05 Warner a week later. THE BASTARD. That's the problem with Kurt Warner. You never know which week is the one where he accidentally walks in front of a pile of exposed plutonium to become '99 Warner. There's just no accurate way of predicting it. DAMN YOU, '99 WARNER, YOU CRUEL TEASE.

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of New England was correct, making our suggestions for your pool 11-3 on the year. Sorry about the three wrong ones. That puts the Pats, Broncos, Bengals, Steelers, Jets, Falcons, Bears, Colts, Eagles, Vikings, Texans, Ravens, Saints and Skins off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Arizona, and the writing of Variety magazine. Ufford and I had a discussion this week, and we both agreed that reading Variety makes you want to fly to Los Angeles and punch everyone in the dick. "Pic expected to gross $250 million." "Story centers on a banker who turns over a new leaf when his child discovers she healing powers." "Actioner." "Cabler." It's everything I hate about Los Angeles in print from. The casual arrogance. The "industry" shorthand. The haughty detachment. I hope the editors of that magazine drown in their own… (checks Cannibal Corpse lyrics)… RECTAL SLIME! Yes, that will do.

Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

"This week, I like the Packers getting 2 points against Pittsburgh on the road. I just want to take a moment to wish you all a Merry Christmas. That's MERRY CHRISTMAS. Not Season's Greetings, or Happy Holidays, or any of that secular, ACLU-enforced nonsense. I want you to have a Merry Christmas. And if you're a filthy Jew, then I want you to convert to Christianity, chop off half your nose so it's normal size, and THEN have a Merry Christmas. And if you don't want to convert, then I hope you kill yourself. THAT is what I'm really saying to you when I say MERRY CHRISTMAS. So Merry Christmas from the bottom of my shark heart."

2009 Nazi Shark Record: 7-7.

This Week's Pants Party Winner
This week's Pants Party winner was AR Worrell. AR, come and claim your rant prize.

Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Chris D. turns in the absolute BEST holiday skiing poop story you can imagine. It's as much of a treat as the side of a gingerbread house. I call it, TRIPLE BROWN DIAMOND:

I went to high school in West Virginia, the flabby armflap of America. It sucked. The one thing I did for fun though was ski, and I skied a lot. We had a program that would take us after school on Fridays via charter bus up to a local mountain to night ski.

Well one day I'm out on the mountain skiing having a grand ol' time when the urge to shit hits me on the lift. My stomach had been hurting for a while due to eating high school cafeteria pizza and sneaking shots of Jameson from some kids flask on the bus ride up. Well once I get off the lift and start skiing I feel better, this always happens- moving around and stuff takes your mind off of how bad you need to shit. I decide I can do another run before going in and going through the arduous task of taking off all my layers to shit.

HUGE MISTAKE.

I get back on the lift and not even half way up I'm starting to feel it, churning, it comes in waves, I'm breathing heavy, I tell my friends that I really need to go and they try to talk me through it as if I was having a baby or something. I see the end coming and I'm ready to fly down the mountain as quick as I can. And then it happens. The lift comes to a dead stop. I look down, consider jumping.. it's close to 30ft. FUCK! I am now almost in tears from the pain of holding in the liquid fire in my bowels. Slowly but surely it begins to seep out, every time I breathe alittle more and a little more. I'm sitting there in it, my friends can smell it. It smells like someone microwaving KFC they found in the garbage. They're trying to strike a balance between laughing and gagging.

Finally- the lift starts back up. I then start skiing down, I can feel the warmth oozing down my legs through my thermals, forming small pools behind my legs in my boots. As I ski down the mountain, still trying to hold shit in, it keeps squirting out every time I hit a bump or have to turn quickly.

Then some little kid cuts me off and I take a nasty spill, and I mean nasty, I let loose a 3 to 4 second spray. Snow and ice go up my jacket and down my pants. The shit/fake WV snowblower snow mixture in my pants feels like warm sandpaper. It takes close to 25 minutes to finish the run and my ass is now wet and cold, but I finally make it down and waddle through the lodge to the bathroom.

I am wearing boxers under my thermals but at this point they are just shit-pasted together. It's so nasty and sticky that I basically had to cut my boxers off with (Don't know what its called- we called them wickets-the metal things that you stuck your lift tickets on before everything went electronic). I can finally let the rest out. I'm sitting there completely naked from the waste down and the sounds coming out of my body made everyone else stop what they were doing and I was asked several times if I was ok. Finally after all was done and my asshole burned like the rage of 1000 golf club wielding swedish supermodels scorned (what I would have given to have a bowl of ice cream to sit in), I got up and observed my work. It looked like someone had been brewing coffee in that toilet. There was zero visibility in that bowl and the smell was so bad it gave the air texture. Luckily most of the devil slime was contained to my thermals that now looked like an orangy-brown shit sponge. I put my ski pants back and sprinted from the room hiding my face with my scarf leaving all my shit rags laying in the floor for some unlucky bastard . I freeballed the rest of the evening- which fucking sucks when skiing, a bad mixture of freezing and chaffing. I didn't get the shit smell out of my boots for weeks.

Amazing. That story had everything. I too have been stuck on a chairlift while having to pee and/or poop. It's the worst feeling in the world. There's nowhere to go. I swear I've considered not only jumping from the lift, but also jumping from the chair onto one of the utility poles to scale down, which would almost certainly fail. Has anyone ever tried to do that and been successful? Surely some asshole has tried to jump onto the utility pole and horribly injured himself. I'd love video.

Also, the brewing coffee poop is terrible. As is the zero-visibility shit. Where you just seem to shit brown algae. Then you look down at the bowl and it's OPAQUE. Only the Devil himself knows what secrets lay within.

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Tom Cable
Wade Phillips
Todd Haley
Jim Zorn
Eric Mangini
Jim Mora
John Fox*
Gary Kubiak*
Dick Jauron – FIRED!
Lovie Smith*

(* - midseason firing potential)

Hey everyone, Wade's back! It wasn't the same without him. There isn't a more certain eventual firing on this list than ol' Wade. Poor feller.

Holiday Snack Of The Week

Banana bread! Oh, banana bread. You are the treat that the fat girl in the office brings in for no reason on a Tuesday morning. AND BLESS HER CHUBBY LITTLE HEART FOR IT. Ever put butter or cream cheese on your banana bread? No? You're missing out on a real chance to pad your cholesterol stats, people. Make it happen.

I don't work in an office anymore, and that means this year, I am not present in an office setting when all the corporate food gifts get left around for everyone to consume. Caramel popcorn buckets. Chocolates with company logos on them. Gift baskets that have one box of chocolates and six boxes of inedible water crackers. Oh, how I miss being in an office this time of year.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

THE BUZZSAW THAT IS RHINELANDER BEER! Reader Chris B. sends in this cheap treat:

In college, being poor, finding cheap beer was always task #1, enter Rhinelander. You could acquire a case of this shit for $8 and I don't care how bad it was, 24 beers for $8 was the equivalent of finding the holy grail for us. It tasted of a mixture of creamed corn found in a can from the 70s, motor oil and sulfur. You could either get The Rhinelander (as my roommate referred to it) in either cans or bottles. Note the buzzsaw on the can, I think it's appropriate as that is what Rhinelander would do to your stomach, rip you to shreds. As for the bottles, for some reason the labels always appeared to be in a state of decomposition, much like your stomach would be that night and the next day…

It came in bottles? WELL LA DI DA MR. FANCY CHEAP BEER! God, that looks so horrible. I MUST HAVE IT. Also, Rhinelander is the name of the town in Wisconsin where I went to summer camp! HEY HEY CAMP DEERHORN! HEY HEY CAMP DEERHORN!

Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is Drew Brees of the Saints! Ah, Christmas. My favorite time of year. NO ONE THROWS A CHRISTMAS PARTY LIKE EVANS DOES! Champagne? YOU BET! Caviar? We have beluga and paddlefish! And pressed! Ever have pressed caviar? It's the compressed caviar they scrape off the bottom of the barrel. It's the scrapple of caviar, and Evans loves it!

"Every year I throw my Christmas party, and everyone in Hollywood wants to go! But you have be somebody in this town to make it onto Evans' list, Baby! Beatty? Oh yeah. Hoffman? Of course! Lingerie models covered in butterscotch? Now we're talking! Every year, I slip on my red robe and dress up as Evans Claus! I sit by the pool, with a martini in hand. And one by one, every girl comes and sits on Evans Claus' lap to tell him what they want. But it turns out I already have their gift in my lap waiting for them! Naughty? YOU BET! Nice? VERY.

BONUS Robert Evans Story!
Reader Nubs unearthed another Evans chestnut this week. He writes in:

From this week's New Yorker article about the Roman Polanski saga, talking about Paramount's attempt to woo an up-and-coming foreign director to work on Rosemary's Baby...

After Polanski rejected Peter Bart's initial request that he direct the movie version, Bart asked his boss at Paramount, Robert Evans, to intervene. "Bob called up Polanski and said, 'What have you got to lose? If you come to L.A., the worst thing that can happen is that you are going to have the best sex of your life. Polanski said, 'I'll be there.'"

30 years later, Roman Polanski is still paying for listening to advice from Robert Evans. And now you know, the ressssssst of the story.

Indeed we do. It's funny because he nails preteens.

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Rams Fans

Christmas Vacation! Ah, the pool scene. What a delight. You know, Chevy Chase is always dreaming about banging other women in these movies, but you know what's underrated? Beverly D'Angelo's breasts. She had GREAT hooters. Really full and bouncy. I'd never stray from your rack, Bev. Not like Pacino did. Scout's honor.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Marge, you can save more souls with roller skates and Easy-Bake ovens than you can with this two-thousand page sleeping pill."

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Reader Eric submits the breast-heavy Oppaii Tumblr. NSFWbewbs.
-For the gals: SHIRTLESS FIREFIGHTERS! True story: I watched exactly one scene of "Sex and the City" with my wife once. Kim Cattrall goes to a firefigher strip show, the guy takes his clothes off, and her line is, "Hello, 911? I'm on fire!" Someone wrote that line and found it clever. God, that show was a piece of shit.

A very Merry Christmas to you and yours, everyone. I hope, if you're traveling, that your trip is as safe and painless as humanly possible.

For the first time in three years, I'm skipping an in-season Jamboroo next week to hunker down with the family. But I'll be back in two weeks. Until then, enjoy the games, everyone.

Some Things Are More Important Than Football, But Not In Alabama [College Football]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 13:45:22 -0500

Yesterday, we told you about the Alabama lawyers (pictured?) who asked a judge to postpone their case so they can attend the BCS Championship Game. Well, the judge—an Auburn fan!—granted their request. It's a travesty of good sportsmanship.

If you're going to start creating judicial precedents on the basis of college football schedules, then shouldn't you also conform those judgments to reflect a more proper demonstration of your allegiance? An Auburn judge should not only deny any motion filed by a U of A attorney, he should hold them in contempt of court and make them swear to tell the truth under an oath to Pat Sullivan. That's some smash mouth law makin'!

Instead, Circuit Judge Dan King says that a man who has waited four years to see the memory of his dead mother honored in a court of law can wait a few more months, because "If I didn't, they'd say, 'He just didn't grant it because he's an Auburn fellow.'" Yes, "they" might say that. They might also say that "He's an adult who doesn't think that educated professionals should get the day off every time they want hold recess outside." The Crimson Tide will solider on just fine without eight extra lawyers getting hammered in the Rose Bowl parking lot.

You know, it is hard to believe that Birmingham was named "the worst city in America to be a man." They really seem to have their act together down there.

Lawyer asks that trial be delayed because of big Alabama football game; judge OKs it [Birmingham News]
Birmingham: This is no place to be a man
Tide Turing Against Logic In Alabama [Fanhouse]

Your 2009 SHOTY: Tiger Woods [Shoty 2009]

Will Leitch — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 13:00:58 -0500

As you would could have guessed, Tiger Woods was the runaway winner of the 2009 Sports Human Of The Year award. Even though his breakthrough came late, it's difficult to argue he didn't earn it.

In the same way you can win an Oscar by being released in the last month of the year, you can win a SHOTY with an unprecedented holiday-to-holiday streak. It's really quite amazing. It's still so surreal.

Anyway, here was the final voting tally:

Tiger Woods 38 percent
Sean Salisbury 20 percent
Artie Lange 14 percent
Erin Andrews 10 percent
Lenny Dykstra 7 percent
Alex Rodriguez 5 percent
Jay Mariotti 4 percent
Josh Hamilton 2 percent

Your past winners:

2006: Barbaro.
2007: Isiah Thomas.
2008: Baby Mangino.
2009: Tiger Woods.

See you next year, kids.

Decade Retrospective: 2007 [Decadium]

Will Leitch — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 12:45:13 -0500

We continue our year-by-year look back at the decade with the year 2007, back when Tommy Craggs was a woman, back when Jack Nicholson was tickling our hearts as The Joker in Tim Burton's Batman. Simple times.

JANUARY
AJ Daulerio and Sean Salisbury meet. David Beckham agrees to join the Los Angeles Galaxy. President Bush announces his plans for a surge in Iraq. "Quite Frankly With Stephen A. Smith" is canceled. Nick Saban decides to coach Alabama. Gen. Petraeus is named top commander in Iraq. Hillary Clinton announces she is running for President. Barbaro is put down.
FEBRUARY
Molly Ivins and Anna Nicole Smith die. A suicide bomber in Afghanistan tries to kill Vice President Cheney. John Amaechi comes out of the closet. Tim Hardaway does not approve. The Colts beat the Bears in the Super Bowl. Barack Obama announces his candidacy for President in Springfield, Illinois. Pac Man Jones introduces a generation of grateful white people to Make It Rain. The Departed wins Martin Scorsese his first Oscar. Astronaut Lisa Nowak drives across country in a diaper to confront a romantic rival. "The OC" goes off the air. "The Sarah Silverman Program" debuts. John McCain announces he's running for President.
MARCH
Tony LaRussa is arrested for DUI. French President Chirac retires. Scooter Libby is convicted. Peyton Manning rents himself out for a boy's Sweet 16 party. Bowie Kuhn and Larry "Bud" Melman die. Deadspin makes ESPN's "enemies list." Viacom decides to sue Google and YouTube. Joe Theismann is fired from "Monday Night Football." Khalid Sheikh Mohammed claims responsibility for the September 11 attacks. John Edwards announces he will continue his Presidential campaign despite a re-emergence of his wife's cancer.
APRIL
Florida beats Ohio State in the NCAA championship game. Seung Hui Cho kills 32 students on the campus of Virginia Tech. Don Imus calls the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos." Zach Johnson wins The Masters. Eddie Robinson, David Halberstam, Boris Yeltsin and Kurt Vonnegut die. Case is dropped against Duke lacrosse team.
MAY
Dogfighting allegations emerge against Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. Paris Hilton is sentenced to 45 days in jail. The French elect that Sarkozy fellow president. Jerry Falwell dies. Roger Clemens returns to the Yankees. Six Muslim men are arrested and charged with plotting to attack Fort Dix in New Jersey. The Golden State Warriors upset the Dallas Mavericks in the first round of the NBA playoffs. Alex Rodriguez is photographed outside a Toronto hotel with a woman who is not his wife.
JUNE
The final episode of "The Sopranos" confuses millions. President Bush vetoes a bill that would ease federal restrictions on stem cell research. The Anaheim Mighty Ducks win the Stanley Cup. Bob Barker retires from "The Price Is Right." Larry Craig is arrested for having a wide stance. Woody Paige is sued for sexual harassment. The iPhone is released. "Flight Of The Conchords" debuts. The Spurs beat the Cavaliers in the NBA Finals. Tiger Woods' wife Elin gives birth.
JULY
Minimum wage is increased for the first time in 10 years, to $5.85. Democratic candidates answer questions at a debate from YouTube. Joey Chestnut beats Kobayashi to win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Championships. Michael Vick is indicted. Lady Bird Johnson, Tom Snyder, Michelangelo Antonioni, Bill Walsh and Ingmar Bergman die. The final Harry Potter book is released. Sochi, Russia is awarded the 2014 Winter Olympics. Rupert Murdoch wins approval to buy Dow Jones. The ESPN Memo, with its bike rack glory, is released into the wild.
AUGUST
Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron's home run record. The Big Ten Network launches. Jose Padilla is found guilty. Karl Rove and Alberto Gonzalez resign. Tiger Woods wins his 13th Major. Michael Vick pleads guilty to dogfighting. Rick Ankiel homers in his first MLB game as an outfielder. Tim Donaghy pleads guilty. The I-35 Mississippi River Bridge in Minnesota collapses. Merv Griffin, Phil Rizzuto and Richard Jewell die. The Texas Rangers score 30 runs on the Baltimore Orioles. Marques Slocum gets himself a fuck lion.
SEPTEMBER
Appalachian State upsets Michigan, but because it's on the Big Ten Network, no one sees it. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says there are no gay people in Iran. Steve Fossett goes missing. Fred Thompson joins the Presidential race. Barry Bonds plays his last game. The Patriots suffer through SpyGate. MoveOn.org takes out a full-page ad in The New York Times proclaiming "General Betray Us." Larry Craig resigns from the Senate. Pavarotti dies. The New York Daily News reveals that Rick Ankiel received HGH back in 2004. Drew Magary's Jamboroo debuts.
OCTOBER
Marion Jones admits she used stroids. Larry Craig changes his mind and announces he'll serve out his full term. Britney Spears loses custody of her children. The Red Sox beat the Rockies in the World Series. Isiah Thomas and the Knicks are found guilty of sexual harassment. 500,000 flee California wildfires. Robert Goulet dies.
NOVEMBER
The Writers Guild of America goes on strike. A hostage is taken at a Clinton campaign office in New Hampshire. Norman Mailer and Evel Knievel die. Barry Bonds is charged with perjury and obstruction of justice. Sean Taylor is murdered. Scott McClellan writes a book, kind of.
DECEMBER
Ike Turner loves you, baby, but he dies anyway. Vladimir Putin appoints Dmitri Medvedev his successor. Benazir Bhutto is killed in suicide attack in Pakistan. The Mitchell Report is released. The New England Patriots become the first team in 35 years to finish the regular season undefeated. Oprah endorses Obama.

Vinny Cerrato Gets In One Last Zinger On His Way Out The Door [Nfl]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 12:00:14 -0500

This morning's winner is apparently the Redskins fans who have finally managed to chase away one half of the dynamic duo that's ruining their lives. Of course, the Joker killed Robin and that didn't stop Batman from kicking his ass.

Vinny Cerrato—the now former executive vice-president of football operations in Washington—would be the "dumber" in most of the "Dumb and Dumber" signs that Skins fans aren't allowed to carry into Dan Snyder's precious sight. Oh, right ... Snyder! He's still there, isn't he? See, Cerrato answered to him for 10 years and even though the deck chairs have been rearranged, Danny Boy is still the captain of this particular Titanic. A moral victory, I guess?

Anyway, Cerrato resigned to the delight of millions, but not without firing one last cheap shot during his exit. He released a statement that was typical gracious nonsense—thank the owner, express disappointment, pretend you've left the pieces in place for the future—except for this one little middle finger:

"I've had the pleasure of working with some great coaches such as Joe Gibbs, Greg Blache and Sherman Lewis," Cerrato said.

Not pictured: Actual head coach Jim Zorn. Seriously, if Greg Blache is getting a shout out and you're not, someone is definitely trying to send you a message. (That message is: "You suck, Jim Zorn.")

VINNY CERRATO RESIGNS AS EVP/FOOTBALL OPERATIONS [ESPN 980]
Cerrato exits, not very gracefully [Washington Times]
Report: Cerrato resigns [PFT]
Vinny Cerrato Resigns, Redskins' Biggest Problem Grows Stronger [Stet Sports]
[Photo via]

SI.com Was Wise To Change Its Front-Page Ad [Chris Henry]

Tommy Craggs — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 11:45:11 -0500

H/T a bunch of you and KSK. [SI.com]

Chris Henry's Many Rises and Falls [Chris Henry]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 11:30:14 -0500

Chris Henry led a life that seemed to be nothing but trouble, but not long after being hailed by friends, teammates and the media for turning that life around, one more tragic mistake ended it.

Just two months ago to the day, this now haunting story appeared on the front page of the Cincinnati Enquirer It lauded Henry for the amazing changes that had overcome him. No more drugs. No more booze. No more women. He had finally started taking football seriously, and more importantly, he had taken responsibility for his family. Things were going to be different from now on.

Most of the credit for Henry's new-found happiness went to Loleini Tonga, his fianceé. She stuck by him through his troubles—through his five arrests, his suspension, his release—when all the fair-weather friends disappeared. Their wedding planning was the reason he was in Charlotte, North Carolina. That and an injury that cut short his season, the best one he and his team had seen in years. Henry had once been a symbol for all that was wrong with that franchise, but they gave him all the second chances in the world and they had made their comebacks together.

[Video via ESPN]

We don't know why he got in a fight with his fianceé, why he got in the back of that truck, or how he ended up falling out of it, but this last troubling incident is made all the more tragic by the belief of those around him, that there wouldn't be any more. The man once notorious called "a one-man crime wave" had changed his ways. Just like fellow NFL player Sean Taylor, his past did not "catch up with him," but the saddest stories are those that should have had a happy ending.

Chris Henry: Family Guy [Cincinnati Enquirer]
Reflections on Chris Henry from the locker room [Cincinnati Enquirer]

SI "Out Of Touch" For Mocking Around The Horn , Says Newspaper Columnist Who Fears Computers [Media Meltdowns]

Tommy Craggs — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 10:45:04 -0500

You know that swell new show everyone's watching? The one where sportswriters pretend to feel strongly about things on television? No, not The Sports Reporters. Not PTI. The other one. Around the Horn. Well, Bill Plaschke thinks it's totally fresh!

Plaschke, of course, is a Los Angeles Times columnist and maestro of the one-sentence paragraph who regularly pretends to feel strongly about things on Around the Horn. He is very proud of ATH and apparently does not find it to be the hellspawn of The View and Pee-wee's Playhouse.

Good for him.

In fact, Plaschke is such a fierce defender of ATH that if you make even a harmless sidelong crack about the show — as Sports Illustrated did in this week's issue — you can expect to hear from Bill Plaschke's Twitter feed. Here's what SI wrote, apropos The Onion's sports talking-head parody:

The topics are patently absurd (one involved Evander Holyfield boxing a horse for the WBA heavyweight belt), but on the whole it's no more bizarre-and a lot funnier-than, say, Around the Horn.

To which Plaschke took grievous offense. He responded with a volley of Tweets:

I saw where, in its annual media issue, a certain publication took another shot at Around the Horn. We love it. Just spell our names right.

One of these days, your grandfather's media is going to realize that, when it comes to ATH, they are out of touch with today's consumers

ATH thrives because the grass-roots sports fan — which is most of us — thinks sports should be fun, and what's wrong with that?

While our critics have dwindled to a few, we embrace those who still think seven years of hundreds of thousands of daily viewers are wrong

Our show wouldn't connect with today's sports fan if yesterday's sports media didn't still rip it. The rips remind us the show still works

I'll end this by once again thanking our show's patron saint, a notable broadcaster who called us, ''Gasbags on parade.''

I'm honored to be one of those gasbags, and thankful that so many people allow us to parade into their lives...

(and if those last few tweets don't get me into the showdown Thursday, nothing will!!)

That's right: Your father's media is cold bustin' on your grandfather's media. Bill Plaschke — the guy who ran poor Paul DePodesta out of town for the crime of using a computer — is calling someone out of touch! I hope this does get him on the Showdown, and I hope Sports Illustrated responds, because I like nothing more than watching the sports-media equivalent of two old men running their Rascals into each other.

@BillPlaschke [Twitter]
The Most ... [Sports Illustrated]