Deadspin

Well, That Was A Fun First Week [Week In Review]

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 17:15:49 EDT

• Shaun Suisham does not have a foot of the Gods.

• Chris Snyder's broken ball. Ow.

• Drew Magary: Editor-at-Large

• Dwyane Wade would not like you to buy this product.

• A-Rod's having a tough week.

• Euro 2008: Hooray for Spain!

• Fucking Favre.

• Gimelstob: This man should probably stop talking for a little while.

• Awful Announcing has replaced coffee.

• Olympic Mascots are scary

• Red Sox Nation salutes all of you.

The weekend: You're all off of the hook. Thank you very much for all of those who volunteerd this weekend (all 89 of you, sheesh), but as it turns out, it will not be necessary. Go outside and live a little. That's what I plan on doing.

But all of those who did send an email will be considered for the permanent weekend editor slots to be announced late next week. If something earth-shattering does happen, I'll be sure to put it up. Right now, barring a choking death at the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest or Alex Rodriguez jumping in the stands to feel-up Madonna, it won't happen. Turn off your computers, for once.

Be back here on Monday to haze the crap out of Clay Travis, the new guy. Things will get up to speed soon — promise. Rick and I thank you for your continued patience. Happy 4th. Start drinkin'.

Faceless Spectators At Wimbledon Making Spectators With Faces Uncomfortable [Whimsy]

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 17:00:29 EDT

Whatever kind of creepy counter-culture stunt this couple with the skin masks are performing, it's getting London a little worried.

Tomorrow at Wimbledon, keep an eye out for the two weirdos wandering around, freaking people out. Wimbledon isn't the first time the skin-faced duo has popped up at a high-profile event (they were also spotted at Elton John's White Tie ball, and a store opening with Kim Cattrall. Cattrall actually gave the faceless dude a hummer...) , but the reason behind their facelessness is still unknown. The Daily Mail offers up these possibilities:

Theories include the possibilities that they are limelight-seeking pranksters, performance artists or that they are at the centre of a viral marketing campaign for an as-yet unknown product of forthcoming horror film.

Faceless 'aliens' spotted in crowd at Wimbledon [Daily Mail]

Buc's rookies start brawling at the....Budgets ...

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 16:30:05 EDT

Buc's rookies start brawling at the....Budgets and Finance rookie symposium. Fantastic. [Shutdown Corner]

It's The Williams Sisters...Again [Wimbledon]

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 16:15:45 EDT

Venus and Serena Williams each won their semi-final match-up and will meet in the Wimbledon Finals for the third time. Serena usually beats up on her sister in Grand Slam matches, winning five out of the six times they've met.

Lucky for London, Richard Williams won't be causing any havoc in the stands, knocking straweberries out of bored spectator's hands. According to ESPN, he'll fly back to the United States on Friday and "doesn't plan to watch a single point of the final on television", because he can't bear to watch. Will Ferrell won't be there either, as far as I know.

Venus Rolls past Dementiva; Serena beats Zheng [ESPN]

To Watch Tonight [Happy Birthday United States. Here's An Outback Steakhouse Gift Card]

Rick Chandler — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 16:00:04 EDT

What to watch as you tearfully raise your fist with pride and chant "USA! USA!" ...
• Major League Soccer: Houston at Real Salt Lake (10 p.m., ET). How to change the station without using my hands? [ESPN2]
• Motor sports: NASCAR Sprint Cup, Coke Zero 400, practice, at Daytona Beach, Fla (4 p.m. and 6:30 p.m., ET) [Speed]; NASCAR Nationwide Series, Winn-Dixie 250, practice, at Daytona Beach, Fla. (5:30 p.m., ET) [ESPN2]; Grand-Am Rolex Sports Car Series, Brumos Porsche 250, at Daytona Beach, Fla. (8 p.m., ET). Well, my evening is set. [Speed].
• Swimming: Olympic Trials (8 p.m., ET). I have an Olympic-sized duck pond. [USA]

Roger Clemens And Brian McNamee's E-mail Bromance Is Something Special [Roger Clemens]

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:20:26 EDT

The Smoking Gun has published the October 2006 email conversations between Roger Clemens and his trainer, Brian McNamee, on the heels of the erroneous Jason Grimsley affidavit report by the LA Times. The exchanges both show that the love between these two partners in ass-injecting infamy is boundless — and that Roger Clemens is a brilliant wordsmith.

Also, ironically, McNamee bristles at Clemens' "rat" insinuation and proves his loyalty to his former superstar client by letting him know that he "will hop on a plane, find you, and slap you very hard" if Clemens even worries about his trainer turncoating. Oh, and Clemens calls the writer of the LA Times piece a "dushbag" and signs all of his e-mails "22."

The correspondence was included as an exhibit to a federal court filing made yesterday by McNamee's lawyers. Another filing shows the syringe submitted to the court will definitey have Roger Clemens' DNA on it.

Oh, why can't these two dushbags just kiss and make up?

Roger Clemens Can't Spell [The Smoking Gun]
Filing claim syringes will test positive for Clemens' DNA [ESPN]

Don't hassle the Hoff! [USA Today] ...

Rick Chandler — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:45:48 EDT

Don't hassle the Hoff! [USA Today]

The Seattle Sonics Could Not Be Saved [NBA]

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:15:27 EDT

Sonics Owner Clay Bennett is a jowly-faced bastard. I'm doing him a favor by calling him that because that’ s probably one of the kinder things he'll be called from now on by heartbroken Seattle residents, who after two years of thinking their beloved 41-year-old franchise would stick around if they lobbied hard enough, now get to watch Kevin Durant play in Oklahoma City next season, even though their town wasn't washed away by a hurricane. The WSJ Daily Fix blog , which did a brilliant round-up of the whole ordeal, floats this little life raft out there for the fans:

Former Sonics owner Howard Schultz, of Starbucks fame, is suing Mr. Bennett’s group to strip them of ownership, arguing that Mr. Bennett reneged on a promise to negotiate in good faith for a new arena before trying to relocate. If Mr. Schultz prevails, the Sonics could potentially be forced to return to Seattle — Mr. Schultz and his lawyer aren’t seeking an emergency injunction to stop the move in hopes of building a better case, and that case isn’t expected to go to trial for nearly a year.

But most Seattle Sonics fans are probably too worn out from the last painful legal saga to even get worked up over this slim-to-none possibility. The Sonics story, if anything, should make all sports fans wary of what could happen to their own franchise once new ownership takes over. All of your hard-earned time and investment could be taken away from you with a quick handshake in the night, no matter how hard you root for them. Then you have to watch press conferences like this and just cringe:

"We made it," Bennett said after stepping to an Oklahoma City podium featuring the NBA logo and the letters OKC. "The NBA will be in Oklahoma City next season."

Seattle, Bennet Slam Door On Sonics [WSJ Daily Fix]

Basketball Still Has A Future In Seattle? Are You Kidding? [The Seattle Times]

A Shot To The Gut Of Seattle Fans [True Hoop]

The darkest hours in Seattle sports history [ESPN]

Whatever you do, you just don't mess with ...

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:45:33 EDT

Whatever you do, you just don't mess with a man's scooter. [Blue Chip Suspect]

Dave Rozema's Infamous Karate Kick, Immortalized In Bobble Form At Last [Minor Enterprise]

Rick Chandler — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:30:55 EDT

It may be a short week for Deadspin, but it's a big week for minor league baseball promotions ... so drop your pants and fire a rocket for Minor Enterprise.

The glorious career of former pitcher Dave Rozema is cherished and studied by every drunkard, reprobate, fuckoff, ne're-do-well, rascal, rotter, tosspot, brawler, bounder, lout, louse, screwup, barfly, dipsomaniac, tippler, pug and toker who ever followed the Detroit Tigers. And by many, many other baseball fans as well. This is a man whose exploits nearly defy description, both on the field and off. But for all of his deeds and misdeeds, the crowning moment had to be on May 14, 1982, during a benches-clearing brawl between the Tigers and Minneosta Twins.

That's when, in the opening moments of the melee, Rozema charged from the dugout and attempted to deliver a flying karate kick at the Twins' John Castino. He missed, of course; injuring his leg so badly in the process that he had to be removed from the field on a stretcher. Rozema, who had a 3-0 record and a 1.63 ERA at the time, ended up on the DL and missed the remainder of the season; ruining what was shaping up as the finest season of his career. Any serious Tigers fan can tell you all about it, and probably give you a blow-by-blow from video accounts that have circulated on the Internet (until recently, when YouTube took them down on the orders of Major League Baseball).

But now you can relive the magical moment with the West Michigan Whitecaps of the Class A Midwest League, who will honor "Rosey" with the Dave Rozema bobblefoot doll giveaway on Wednesday, July 9. The first 1,000 fans through the gates at Fifth Third Ballpark will receive a Dave Rozema toy with real karate-kick bobblefoot action. I would suggest arriving early, as these will go fast.

How great was the 1982 incident in question? I found this account on the SpartanTailgate.com message board:

The footage of the fight was hilarious. At first base you had Lance Parrish holding a guy down to the ground with one arm. At the pitchers mound were most of the players, then suddenly from the dugout comes Rozie with a karate kick into the pile.....then you lose track of where Rozie is....then the fight clears and lying limp on his back on the mound is a battered Rozie.

And from the Motown Sports board:

I played a fantasy weekend with Rozema. He told a hilarious story of a teary-eyed Gibby talking to him on the stretcher, and promising to go out and win the game for him, a la Babe Ruth and the sick kid in the hospital. We were all rolling.

Kirk Gibson indeed won that game for the Tigers with a late home run. Gibson and Rozema were pals, got into all sorts of trouble together (amazingly, alcohol may have been involved), and in fact married twin sisters, JoAnn and Sandy Sklarski, in a double ceremony in 1985. Other facts from the Rozema file:

• Also in 1982, Rozema fell on a flask in his back pocket and needed 11 stitches in his hip, after Gibson had pulled a chair out from under him.

• Missed a team bus when he overslept after judging a wet T-shirt contest.

• Shoved a bar glass into the face of Alan Trammell, with Trammell needing 47 stitches near his eye.

• Finished fourth in the 1977 Rookie of the Year voting behind Eddie Murray, but won The Sporting News Rookie Pitcher of the Year award.

• During spring training one year in Lakeland, Fla., decided to wash his new car ... with Brillo pads.

Rozema recovered from his leg injury and had an 8-3 record with a 3.43 ERA in 1983, and also played on the 1984 Tigers team that won the World Series. He signed with the Texas Rangers in 1985 and retired in 1986, with career totals of 60 wins, 53 losses and a 3.47 ERA. But in one last hurrah, Rozema surfaced in 1990 on the roster of the St. Petersburg Pelicans of the Senior Professional Baseball Association, where he compiled a 2-0 record. The franchise folded in December of that year, and Rosie was never seen on a pitcher's mound again. But he will never be forgotten.

Other upcoming promotions:

• Kevin Costner And His Band, Modern West. Friday, July 4, Durham Bulls (Class AAA International League). I actually saw Modern West when they performed at Lake Tahoe last year, and the band is ... not good. But Costner is personable and good with the audience, when he's not singing, anyway. And he donated a bunch of money to victims of the 2007 Lake Tahoe Wildfire which destroyed more than 200 homes, so there's that.

• Competing As The New Hampshire Primaries. Friday, July 4, New Hampshire Fisher Cats (Class AA, Eastern League). The Fisher Cats will call themselves the New Hampshire Primaries for this game only, and wear special red, white and blue uniforms. Mike Huckabee to throw out the first pitch, where it will travel only 14.8 percent of the way to the plate (may not be true). [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Jessica Simpson Day. Sunday, July 6, Grand Prairie AirHogs (Independent American Association). I'd rather attend Daniel Simpson Day (D-Day from Animal House). Whatever happens, don't go near the Joe Simpson kissing both.

• Awful Night VI. Monday, July 7, Altoona Curve (Class AA Eastern League). Last year's Awful Night V featured the mascot race which has no finish; a dry slip-'n-slide, and the ever-popular and frustrating helium balloon toss. Also there were liverwurst-and-whipped cream sandwiches at the snack bar. This year's is supposed to be "even Awfuler," according to the Curve. Just so you know.

What you missed last week:

• Wine Festival/Little League Night. June 29, Stockton Ports (Class A California League). Nothing sadder than a wine-stained Little League jersey.

Stu Scott's Well-Wishes Are Much Appreciated [ESPN Lady Killers]

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:00:29 EDT

Washington Post Bog maven Dan Steinberg once again caught up with everybody's favorite late night text-messager, Stu Scott, for a little chat about, oh, anything he could think of at the time.

Steinberg asked Scott if his blog-reading habits have changed since the last time they spoke. Nope:

Dan Steinberg: Hey, Stuart, got a second? I talked to you last year at the Spelling Bee....

Stuart Scott: Oh, the blog! My brother actually saw it and he kind of directed me to it.

DS: Did I malign you?

SS: You were honest. It was cool. First and only blog I've ever read.'

DS: I feel like things have changed since then, I feel like they've gone a lot more mainstream since then.

SS: What, blogs? They may have.

DS: I'm just curious if you've changed at all?

SS:[Shakes Head]

DS: Guess not.

Steinberg then followed Stu around a bit more, peppering him with questions about all sorts of media-related inquiries and then he drops this one on the Boo-Yah.

At this point, I told Scott that A.J. Daulerio, his foil from Super Bowls past, had been named Deadspin editor. Scott wasn't immediately familiar with the name. "Whatever," he said, when I explained who he was. "If that's what he wants to do with his life...."

A.J. Daulerio: [Shakes Tunica Albuginea ]

A Converastion With Stuart Scott [D.C. Sports Bog]

ESPN's Featured Comment Of The Day [Oh No He Di'n't!]

Rick Chandler — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 12:30:38 EDT

ESPN scoured its message boards this morning to find its cleverest, boldest, most enlightening comment, and chose this one above all others ...

• "Elton will stay in LAC because 'help' has arrived ... it'll be tough, though!" — Handrix

Previous ESPN Featured Comment of the Day, plus a Featured Deadspin Response or two ...

• "Chris Paul deserves every penny he receives. N.O. will be in contention for a very long time." — Mightymoose02

• Ron Paul deserves every penny he receives. He will be in contention for a very lo- ah, shit. (Doyle McPoyle)

• Boris Badanov deserves every penny he receives. Spotsylvania will be in contention for a very long time. - Mightymooseandsquirrel02 (RonZookonRedBull)

• Chef Paul overspices every penne dish he serves. I will in the bathroom for a very long time. —TryTheMousse (Chamomiles Davis)

• These trick-or-treaters deserve pennies. I will not be alive for a very long time.-oldiebutgoodie1921 (Stev D)

• Sorry folks, park's closed. Mightymoose02 out front should have told ya. (Send It In, Jerome!)

Charles Barkley's Petulance About His Gambling Problem Is Truly Entertaining [Charles Barkley]

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 12:15:04 EDT

The always entertaining Round Mound of Double Down is still hanging out at casinos ("It's for charity!) for the "Ante Up For Africa" tournament and caught up with RawVegas to, once again, let people know he's not gambling. Apparently, it it's the media's fault that he's no longer allowed to gamble. I think Wynn's Las Vegas Resort and his bank account would beg to differ.

Charles Barkley Thinks We're Jackasses [Wicked Chops]

Hey, anyone want to buy a really expensive, ...

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 12:00:38 EDT

Hey, anyone want to buy a really expensive, possibly racist painting of a 1920's Yale/Harvard football game? Well, it'll be up for auction at the Javits Center if you want it. [Animal New York]

How Will Yankees Fans Greet A-Rod Tonight? [MLB Closer]

Rick Chandler — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 11:30:28 EDT

Thank God for the Yankees that their next series with Boston is in New York. With a separation from wife Cynthia and rumors of canoodling with Madonna thicker than Newman's Own Thousand Island dressing, Alex Rodriguez must have more on his mind than Jonathan Papelbon. But how will his own fans greet him? Will there be any cone bras in the crowd? Sean Penn masks? The theme from Evita being sung by a heavenly choir of visiting Red Sox fans? Nope, probably not. After the Yankees' bats woke up in an 18-7 win over the Rangers on Wednesday, Hank Steinbrenner is not in the mood to tolerate distractions. Please be upbeat and courteous tonight, Yankees fans, or prepare to be waterboarded in the security office. Just like any Yankee game, come to think of it.

Jason Giambi's grand slam and six RBI led the Yankees Wednesday, with Rodriguez contributing a three-run homer. It all helped New York avoid a series sweep. Meanwhile, the Red Sox are fuming after Evan Longoria went 3-for-4 and drove in three runs to lead Tampa Bay to a 7-6 win, its second three-game sweep of the Sox this season. Game time tonight, 7:05 p.m. Hopefully they can drag this rivalry off of the scrap heap.

• M-m-m-my Kuroda. Hiroki Kuroda, just back from the DL, tossed seven shutout innings for the Dodgers in a 4-0 win over the Astros. With Kuroda back on the roster, right-hander Homer Simpson was sent back to Class AAA Las Vegas.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. B.J. Upton, Tampa Bay Rays. MLB.com is calling the catch "Willie Mays-like," and that's true, in that both occurred in center field. Other than that, not so much. But it's still a fine grab, robbing Boston's Kevin You Kill Us of extra bases as the Rays continue to withdraw equity from their Mortgage With The Devil (35-year fixed). Wizard Cat gives this catch: Five wands.

Ronaldinho in a T-shirt looks like most of ...

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 11:15:24 EDT

Ronaldinho in a T-shirt looks like most of us would. Stop eating so much bread, man. [AOL Fanhouse]

Brett Favre: The Packers Really Don't Want You To Come Back (But ESPN Does!) [Brett Favre]

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:45:49 EDT

Yesterday's inevitable Favre "itch" has given NFL writers mired in a mini-camp malaise and added story line — albeit one they've written every year for the past four or five years. What's interesting about how yesterday's NFL Live breakingnews went down was just how fortunate they were to have Al Harris in the studio the day that story breaks. Really, it must have been just the dumbshittiest of dumb luck that, the day ESPN gets some hold-the-phone Brett Favre news, they have the team's cornerback sitting right there. (Yeah, nice job, Mort!)

Of course the denials are starting to pour out of Favre ( l love how his hometown paper is usually one of the first places he talks to. Well, and Jay Glazer. And AL HARRIS, apparently.) and his agent Bus Cook's once again overusing the phrase "As far as I know..." We get it, Bus. You know nothing.

Based on some of the information that I've been told from sources not related to Bus Cook or Brett Favre, here's how it possibly went down: Mort gets a scoop from his various Packers' "sources "(whomever they may be...) starts to work on it. Harris is in the studio, so, Hey, let's ask him if he knows anything about it? He does? Really? What's Brett say...

"He's itchin to come back..."

That's enough. Let's run with it...have Mort pick up a phone and call in to make it sound legit...

Let's say that Favre did actually approach Mike McCarthy about coming back and McCarthy (and the Packers) told him "We're moving in another direction." Does Brett Favre still have that "itch" then? If you watched yesterday's NFL Live did you notice how quickly the conversation went from "Favre going back to the Packers" to "Other teams who need a quarterback." One of the teams that would make some sense for Brett to check into (and who ESPN has deemed a "likely" candiate) are the Minnesota Vikings . Even though Tarvaris Jackson has received the over-the-top accolades from head coach Brad Childress so far this year, the Vikings do have some other weapons that might benefit from having the ol' gunslinger under center.

But — but!— if Favre goes to another team...what would happen to ESPN's magical opening dedication and Favre jersey retirement ceremony during the Monday Night Football opener? Wouldn't that ruin it? Not if he's on the Vikings.

Bottom line: Brett Favre may come back. He's just not not heading back to Green Bay. The team was very much looking forward to putting Number 4 along the other retired jerseys that adorn Lambeau field — that way they know they can keep him off the field.

After all of this , does it mean that Al Harris will now get an NFL analyst contract with ESPN? They should. The guy's got great sources.

Packers: Favre has "itch" to play[Wisconsin State Journal]

Favre: "It's All Rumor...No Reason For It." [PFT}

Olympic Criminals Are No Match For The Chinese Scooter Police [ Beijing Olympics]

Rick Chandler — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:00:29 EDT

You may think that you're a clever subversive, plotting to wreak mayhem at the Olympic Games. But you didn't count on the Glorious People's Scooter Police. Hands up, terrorist dogs! Hey, no fair fleeing over that slightly uneven terrain! Come back here!

Mao says: "Power comes from the back of a loaded Segway."

Chinese elite anti-terror police officers are wheeling into action ahead of next month's Beijing Olympics on two-wheeled scooters. Members of the country's armed police unit practised on the Segway models that have been re-named 'Anti-Terror Assault Vehicles' in the eastern province of Shandong.

In one drill, police posing as terrorists held ten badminton audience members hostage, 'shooting dead' four 'hijackers', capturing two and defusing a mock car bomb.

Note to badminton terrorists: Just give up now. China has all the bases covered.

And just in case, the team also have a secret weapon.

Wheel Scary: Chinese Anti-Terror Police Practise Killing Drills On Scooters [Daily Mail]
More Photos [Xinhuanet]

Red Sox Nation Will Treat This News With The Proper Amount Of Restraint And Sympathy [Justify My Glove]

DAULERIO — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 09:20:50 EDT

After days of speculating about the state of Alex Rodriguez's marriage it appears that the one truthful item out of this whole entire scandal is that he and his wife, Cynthia (can't bring myself to say "C-Rod" — yet) are not getting along. Late yesterday afternoon, the tabs and gossip blogs began reporting that Cynthia had been stepping out on A-Rod with former Huxtable-humper, Lenny Kravitz. But Cynthia's mother tells the Daily News that the reports about her daughter gallivanting across Paris with Kravitz are absolutely false.

(Somebody tell the NY Post!)

Regardless of what's going on in A-Rod's personal life— Madonna-related, marriage-related — Yankees' owner Hank Steinbrenner just wants Rodriguez and the rest of his team to just hit the goddamn ball and not worry about anything else. At least Jason Giambi listened to him.

If anything, maybe this controversy will reinvigorate the vaunted Red Sox-Yankees rivalry that's been pushed out of the way by the Rays-Sox . It should be a fun weekend in New York.

Yankee hitter on outs with wife [NY Daily News]

A-Rod Wife Goes Down Swinging [NY Post]

Controversy rocks the Nathan's Famous Hot ...

Rick Chandler — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 09:00:44 EDT

Controversy rocks the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. [Gothamist]

Anyone Hear That Brett Favre Is Coming Back? [Your Morning Video Wake Up Call]

AwfulAnnouncing — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 08:45:11 EDT

This Is The *Ball That Will Grace The Hall [Duan!]

DAULERIO — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:00:13 EDT

Dan Patrick's radio show this afternoon was very Bonds branded-ball heavy, grabbing baseball HOF president Jeff Idelson on for a few minutes to talk about how they finally wrestled the piece of history away from Marc Ecko. Lucky for them, the HOF was kind enough to send them a picture of the infamous branded hide that once was Barry Bonds' 756th homerun ball in all of its tainted glory.

You can spend the rest of the night staring at that ruined ball, dreaming of a better tomorrow, and praying for Chris Snyder.

Also, if anyone is not doing anything firework-related and would like to sit inside and watch sports all weekend while writing on this site, please feel free to hit me up.

Considering this is the freewheeling managerial style I'm adopting during this transitional period, the chances of you getting paid before 2010 are rather slim. Those who are interested, however, should feel free to drop a line.

Dan Patrick Interviews Jeff Idelson [SI.com]

Sean Avery Will Now Have To J.O. To Dallas Ladies [Sean Avery]

DAULERIO — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:00:36 EDT

Well, isn't that fitting. Fashion-friendly hockey menace Sean Avery gets savaged by Gawker due to his "I'm Going Home To Jerk Off To You Now" comment at a Paris fashion show and then signs a 4-year deal with the Dallas Stars. The Stars are excited about his hockey skills more than his masturbation habits:

"We are excited about the opportunity to add a player like Sean Avery to our group," said Stars co-general manager Brett Hull. "His ability to play the game with skill and tenacity makes us a better team and is a great complement to the players we have here."

The numbers in the deal have Avery earning $3.5 million next season and $4 million in 2009-10, 2010-11 and 2011-12. Plenty of money to spend on couture pants, shiny shoes, and tissues.

Dallas Stars Land Avery With 4-year Deal [Dallas Morning News]

Hey Ladies! Sean Avery Will "Jerk Off To You Now" [Gawker]

Michael Beasley might have to toughen up ...

DAULERIO — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:30:00 EDT

Michael Beasley might have to toughen up a little bit. [Yahoo!]

And The Alex Rodriguez Affair Saga Takes Another Wild, Unsubstantiated Turn For The Unequivocally Absurd [Justify My Glove]

DAULERIO — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:15:00 EDT

So, it appears that Alex Rodriguez won't shed the tabloid front pages that easily. This time, however, he's not the one who's allegedly having an affair with a haggard old pop star — it's his wife.

From Radar, new designated tabloid scoop-ruiner:

Is there more than one cheater in the Rodriguez family? We have no idea if this is true or not, but we're just gonna go ahead and put it out there because it's probably going to be all over the tabloids in the next few days: we're hearing from several sources at the gossip weeklies that A-Rod's blonde wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, has been stepping out on her stripper-loving third baseman husband with none other than singer Lenny Kravitz.

Cynthia has been noticeably absent as rumors of her husband's affair with Madonna have swirled (rumors, it should be noted, which have been strongly denied by Madonna's camp). We're told the reason is because she's actually in Paris with Kravitz right now.

Question: Would you feel more dirty and ashamed for having sex with Madonna or that your wife has been banging Lenny Kravitz?

As if A-Rod's not having a tough enough week already, Shanoff just somehow sprinkled him with some magic Hebrew blog dust and made him Jewish.

The next story in this sage will most likely reveal that Rodriguez's mother has been having an affair with Brett Favre and then, somehow, the last 24 hours would make so much more sense.

A-Rod Cuckolded By...Lenny Kravitz? [Radar]

Reports: Cynthia Rodriguez has left A-Rod for...Lenny Kravitz? [Urbanite]

To Watch Tonight [Vroom Vroom]

Rick Chandler — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:00:39 EDT

What to watch after trading sex for gasoline ...
• Boxing: Heavyweights, Brian Minto vs. John Poore, at Butler, Pa. (9 p.m., ET). I've never heard of these guys, so they must be good. [ESPN2]
• MLB: Boston at Tampa Bay (7 p.m., ET). This series is getting virtually no publicity. [ESPN]
• Swimming: U.S. Olympic trials, at Omaha (8 p.m., ET). Natalie Coughlin swims through my fantasies. [USA]

Something I didn't realize; Red Sox traveling ...

Rick Chandler — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:45:38 EDT

Something I didn't realize; Red Sox traveling secretary Jack McCormick, the person whom Manny Ramirez shoved to the ground in a dispute over tickets, is 64 years old. WTF, Manny?? [Fox Sports]

ESPN's Featured Comment Of The Day [ Don't Speak! Don't Speak ...]

Rick Chandler — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:30:32 EDT

ESPN scoured its message boards this morning to find its cleverest, boldest, most enlightening comment, and chose this one above all others ...

• "Chris Paul deserves every penny he receives. N.O. will be in contention for a very long time." — Mightymoose02

Previous ESPN Featured Comment of the Day, plus a Featured Deadspin response or two ...

• "This is one strange move by Baron Davis." — mcvean1680

• This is one sudden move by Robert Irsay. —mayflowervan (Jefferson Short Bus)

• This is one strange sound my cousin Marvin found.-Chuck Berry (Thundercracker)

• This is one Strange Brew from Cream. — clapton1966 (Send It In, Jerome!)

Brett Favre Seriously Considering Unretirement, NFL Live Says [Brett Favre]

DAULERIO — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:05:54 EDT

According to Chris Mortensen on ESPN's NFL Live, Brett Favre is seriously considering coming back to the NFL for one more season. Mortensen said Favre told Packers' coach Mike McCarthy that he has the "itch to play again." ESPN's NFL Live broke the news exclusively at the 4 p.m. hour. Packers' conrerback Al Harris reiterates. "He's got the itch."

If he does come back to the Packers, it would probably make Aaron Rodgers feel even more stupid than he already does.

Developing...

The CFL Reminds Us That Its Football Is Colder Than Ours [CFL]

Rick Chandler — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:00:04 EDT

"It's a league of ice. Of fog, of mud, and wind. And for one Sunday in November, it is the nation's glue." The CFL has produced a new video — shown following the jump — honoring the grand tradition that is football on a 110-foot-long field. It's part of their “This is Our League” ad campaign. And since Tuesday was Canada's 141st birthday, I will not mock it. Besides, it's actually pretty good.

As Sports By Brooks points out, could all of this be due to the Bills moving some of their games to Toronto? Don't worry Canada; we're not invading you. The NFL can't even get a team established in Los Angeles ... you think they're moving on Winnipeg? Although I can never speak for Al Davis.

Canada Day!

Joe Buck Is Just No Longer Enthused About America's Pastime [Joe Buck]

DAULERIO — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:15:33 EDT

Joe "Balls Deep" Buck is one of the most highly respected and high-profile sports announcers working today and, according to one plucky Midwesterner we all know, is also a true gentlemen when introduced to raisin-filled sports bloggers. Buck's voice is always a welcome addition, especially to baseball games, which seem a little more meaningful whenever he calls them. Plus, he gracefully overcompensates for the painful meanderings of Tim McCarver, who sometimes calls games like he's been huffing Pine-Sol. And there has yet to be a baseball game where a player has irked him while pantomiming a moon toward hostile fans.

But it appears Mr. Buck is also a little burnt out by everything. In an interview with Colin Cowherd this morning, Buck says watches "barely any" sports and says that when he announces baseball games "it's just not as special and unique as it used to be...that's just the way it is."

MLB must be thrilled to have such an enthusiastic guy in the booth during their nationally televised games.

Joe Buck Admits He Rarely Watches Sports And Doesn't Enjoy Baseball Anymore [Awful Announcing]

The Kansas City Chiefs have banned fans from ...

Rick Chandler — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:00:21 EDT

The Kansas City Chiefs have banned fans from standing during games. And have set up a text messaging hotline for fans to report any rogue standers. The Upright Citizens' Brigade? [Yahoo Sports]