Deadspin

Everything You Need To Know About What It's Like To Do Color Analysis For Richmond Vs. Villanova [Media Meltdowns]

DAULERIO — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 19:49:15 -0500

I'm sure when he says "bum" he means "hero" and when he says "end this fucking game" he means "what an exciting 4th quarter." [Bsmeddy You Tube]

I Believe This Sums Up The Average Notre Dame Fan's Thoughts Quite Nicely [DUAN]

Weed Against Speed — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 19:45:54 -0500

So, uh, Notre Dame lost to Navy today 23-21. The last time an unranked Navy team beat a ranked Notre Dame squad was 1936. The last time Navy beat the Fighting Irish twice in a row was 1961 and 1963.

Well, kids, that wraps up another wacky Saturday in college football and me pulling Weekend Daddy duties. Hope everyone had a good time. I sure did.

Barry Petchesky will take care of you tomorrow.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Be good.

For those about to rock we salute you, the dirty thoughts for dirty minds we contribute to...

(Thanks, Jessica and Benjamin for the pic)

So, The University Of Arizona Had An Undie Run... [Whimsy]

Weed Against Speed — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 19:15:43 -0500

Undie Runs on our nation's university campuses are occurring more and more often. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do a post about it. What do you mean this isn't about sports? There's sports at the University of Arizona.

The Arizona Daily Wildcat (via Busted Coverage) have documented Thursday night's Homecoming Undie Run at the University of Arizona and I would like to point out that they are doing the Lord's work. Even respected periodical U.S. News & World Report elected to report on it on Thursday.

Yes, the Wildcats will be the newest member of the undie run team in 2009, and it's just in time for homecoming weekend in Tucson. Tonight's run will cross the University of Arizona mall and head onto University Avenue, the Arizona Daily Wildcat reports. Normally, undie runs take place during finals or midterms, but with the weather just right, the organizer of Arizona's run told the Daily Wildcat that now was the time to do it.

My guess is there's a lot of horndoggers working at that place. Just a hunch.

Less words, more photos. How does that sound?

Ahhh, college. And you're welcome.

For those of you who would like further documentation of Thursday night's events, feel free to refer to the links below. There's even a video! Whee!

University of Arizona Homecoming Undie Run: Photos and Video [Arizona Daily Wildcat]
University Of Arizona Undie Run A Hit, Men Roar In Appreciation Of Nearly Naked Women [Busted Coverage]
Arizona Plans First Undie Run [U.S. News & World Report]

Who Else Thinks This Guy's Favorite Cartoon Is 'Pinky And The Brain'? [College Football]

Weed Against Speed — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:50:33 -0500

If this guy were a shoplifter, would he refer to what he does as using the "four finger discount"? Seriously, I got nothing. Commenters, do your thing. [H/T DS reader Joe, many others]

I Bet Rich Rodriguez Could Sure Use A Couple Of Boilermakers Right About Now [College Football]

Weed Against Speed — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:15:09 -0500

Michigan lost to Purdue 38-36 at the Big House, the first time to Purdue since 1966. The Wolverines have now lost three straight and five consecutive Big Ten games. Even worse? Rich Rod got punked at midfield after the game.

After the game, Rodriguez went out to midfield for the customary handshake with Purdue head coach Danny Hope. The problem was Hope brought a guest: Purdue offensive lineman Zach Reckman, who was suspended earlier this season for one game for a late hit, a suspension which Purdue seemingly believes was due to Rodriguez's meddling. Rodriguez made some public comments regarding how Michigan linebacker Jonas Mouton was suspended for throwing a punch at a Notre Dame player during the Wolverines-Irish game:

"My conversation with the commissioner was that we will watch every Big Ten game very closely and any non-football act, whether it's a six-inch jab or anything that's not called for the game of football we're going to ask that person get the same type of punishment Jonas Mouton got. I'm sure the league will do that."

Reckman was subsequently suspended, even though no one can say for sure that Rodriguez's comments had anything to do with it. Nevertheless, it seems that Purdue wanted to make a point, which they did, and Rodriguez didn't seem too pleased about it.

"I was a little disappointed after the game (when Hope) seemed to bring the lineman over like I was the reason the lineman got suspended for that one game," Rodriguez said. "So he brought him over and said, ‘thanks for this' or whatever… I don't know where that came from. I talked to (Hope) on the phone and told him it wasn't me, this is way back when. I didn't have anything to do with that young man getting suspended for that one game.

"What are you going to do? I usually go over and shake hands and say good luck on the next game. To come over and say something about that? Whatever."

Ooooh, burn. Enjoy your comeuppance, Coach Rodriguez, because you just got come-upped on!

Michigan, who started the season 4-4, are now 5-5 (1-5 in the Big Ten) and are in jeopardy of missing out on a bowl berth, which I'm guessing wouldn't sit real well with the Wolverine faithful. Maybe if the Wolverines practiced more...

Either way, I'm guessing staying put at West Fuckin' Virginia doesn't look too bad right about now, huh?

Purdue wins at Michigan 38-36, 1st time since 1966 [Yahoo!]
Rodriguez meets disgruntled Boilermaker after game [Detroit Free Press]
#2: Colleges They Didn't Attend [Stuff White Trash People Like]

Finally, Kobe Bryant Accomplishes Something [Nba]

Weed Against Speed — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 17:35:31 -0500

By scoring 41 points last night, Bryant became the youngest player ever to reach 24,000 points. The commenter who best incorporates this into an anal sex joke gets a +1 or whatever is behind Door No. 3. [USA Today]

Say What? Our Long, National Nightmare About A Major League Pitcher's Weed Possession Charge Is Already Over? [Mlb]

Weed Against Speed — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 16:45:18 -0500

The attorney for Tim Lincecum has negotiated a settlement with prosecutors to settle the pitcher's marijuana misdemeanor charge by having Lincecum pay a $250 fine for possession of a pipe. The possession of marijuana charge will be dropped. Come again?

The agreement, which still must be approved by a judge, will basically wipe out any charge involving the 3.3 grams of weed Lincecum had on his person when he was pulled over in his Mercedes for going 74 mph in a 60 mph zone on October 30th in Hazell Dell, Washington, his home state.

Grant Hansen, the Clark County deputy prosecutor, explains:

"We negotiated the case in the manner we do with just about every first-time marijuana-drug paraphernalia case where the individual is cooperative with the officer," Hansen told The Columbian. "We dismissed possession of marijuana and amended the other charge to buying or selling drug paraphernalia, a Class A civil infraction."

But to have a case like this to be resolved this quickly is strange, right? Nope.

"His attorney came to our office Monday. We negotiated the case in the manner we do with just about every first-time marijauana/drug paraphernalia case where the individual is cooperative with the officer," Hansen said Friday.

Right. Every first time offender who is a famous Major League pitcher that has a $500/hour attorney on retainer, correct? Not so fast, so says deputy prosecutor Hansen.

The prosecutor told The Columbian "it could have been the kid next door" getting the same treatment. "The fact it's a celebrity doesn't mean he doesn't get the same deal."

Very true. It is not surprising in the least that anyone busted with a couple grams of bud would get this deal, especially in a state like Washington which has such liberal marijuana laws. What is surprising, however, is how quickly this has gone down and how willing the authorities were to cooperate to resolve this matter as quietly as possible. Perhaps this is a sign of how far we have come with how we perceive recreational marijuana use in this country.

Of course, I completely support how this case was handled (which I assume doesn't come as a surprise to anyone around these here parts). Shit man, have Lincecum pay his measly fine and let him get on with his life. There is a whole bunch of weed to smoke in the Pacific Northwest and times wasting, you dig?

Report: Lincecum has agreement on pot charge [The Associated Press]
Lincecum makes deal with Clark County prosecutors [The Colombian]
(previously on Deadspin) Tim Lincecum Cited In Least Surprising Pot Bust Ever

Your Late Afternoon College Football Viewing Open Thread [College Football]

Weed Against Speed — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:50:08 -0500

Nothing wrong with that. Feel free to go beyond college football and discuss Sports in general. For instance, why did they start off the album with "Heart of Rock & Roll" instead of "Heart & Soul"? Stupid.

'Hooray For Mannywood, That Screwy Ballyhooey Mannywood' [Mlb]

Weed Against Speed — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:20:14 -0500

Dodgers fans must feel like they have just come off a cycle and are taking hCG as it was announced that Manny Ramirez will not exercise the escape clause in his contract and will remain a Dodger. [Los Angeles Times]

So, You Want Some Nasty Injuries With Your Hockey? I Got Your Nasty Injuries For Ya [Nhl]

Weed Against Speed — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:10:35 -0500

The esteemed Wysh a/k/a Puck Daddy has a rundown of the Top 10 Most Brutal NHL Injuries of the Last Decade. Let's have a look-see, shall we? (Clint Malarchuk figurine sold separately)

Obviously, I'm not going to give it away and tell you which injury in the last decade was the most vile, disgusting or disturbing, but I will hit you with a few of the highlights from Puck Daddy's Top 10 List.

No. 7. Kurtis Foster's broken femur.

No-touch icing would have prevented this injury, but hockey is played by men, not wussies, right? Whaddya mean preferring not to have your femur snapped in half isn't a sign of weakness? Whatever.

No. 5. Patrice Bergeron's concussion.

I particularly enjoy how players from the Flyers and Bruins are seen mixing it up while Bergeron is just laying there on the ice out cold.

No. 3. Richard Zednick's slashed throat.

Hoo boy was that gnarly, man. And I don't want to hear any complaints about how gross the video was - if you clicked play on a video that was referenced as depicting someone getting their throat slashed, you did so of your volition.

Of course, there are seven more of these testaments to the brutality of professional hockey to see and be grossed out by. Go take a look, if you think you can handle it.

The 10 most brutal NHL injuries of the last decade [Puck Daddy]

Your Early Game College Football Open Thread [Open Thread]

DAULERIO — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 12:00:30 -0500

Are you hoping those scrappy purple-clad kids from NW can somehow derail the mighty Iowa? You want Miami's Jacory Harris to say something silly to the UVA d-line? Can Central Florida not lose by 50 to Glandorf University? [LMK]

Cornell Business School: Home Of All Sorts Of Savory Juices [Sad? Whimsy?]

DAULERIO — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 09:45:22 -0500

Yes, this has nothing to do with sports whatsoever. This is just completely embarrassing and awful and you won't be able to stop reading it: You're my hero!!!! My knight in shining armor!!! My private porn star!!!!! [GuestOfAGuest via Gawker]

Yankee Bromances Abundant In City Of Sleeplessness [Wake Up Deadspin!]

DAULERIO — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 09:30:36 -0500

I can't really condemn these scruffy-faced Yankee fans for their jubilant man-love after the Yankees World Series victory. I probably made out with at least three dudes at Dirty Frank's last year after the Phillies won.

And, look, they were even kind enough to include the Dominican busboy in their manwich.

Reader, Rachel would really like to see her words on Deadspin so I figured I'd oblige.

In an effort to feed my own narcissistic needs to see my words on Deadspin and dazzle you with my literary (sarcastic blogging) capabilities, I felt the need to share a couple of things about my first World Series experience as a Yankees fan (and hate if you must, but my fan-dom happened before they started winning, so it still counts). If my boyfriend were writing to you, he'd probably have you title it, "Unruly Spoiled Worshipers of Evil Empire Spread Gospel of Hate in New York City." I on the other hand, would call this post "The Only Time Your Boyfriend/Husband/Friend-With-Benefits/Guy-You-Met-8-Seconds-Ago Is Truly Not Thinking About T&A".

And why not? Well, World Series Game 6 was the most blatant display of man love I've ever seen. Not only was I with a group of 15 guys who jumped around in a euphoric, sexually non-denominational frenzy, but "strangers" (in quotations because oooobviously if you are a Yankee fan you aren't a stranger) were at risk for getting the tongue too. And so, I thank the Yankees. I thank them for being the only thing that could possibly have caused grown (relatively speaking) men to not only openly express their love for one another and baseball, but also for allowing me to be in a bar full of hammered morons without risk of being bent over the bar and violated. Oh, and there's also something awesome about celebrating with the Dominican busboy....

Pictures attached. Not that it's the greatest thing ever written, but I'm thinking you should at least seriously consider a World Series Bromance montage. I mean, that ARod-Jeter couple halloween costume is great, but drunk idiots are better.

Thanks, AJ!!

Rschau

Thank you, Rachel. Now you and your homo Yankee friends can politely go fuck yourselves.

Good morning. It's Saturday. Let's break stuff.

Sammy Sosa Re-emerges As Shiny-Suited Latino Zombie [Duan!]

DAULERIO — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:09:10 -0500

I have no idea what strange transformation Mr. Sosa is going through, but it's obvious that, yes, something is seriously messed up with Slammin' Sammy's pigmentation.

Guesses include botched plastic surgery to vitiligo to "really bad make up" but unless Mr. Sosa was looking for some way to make his eyes more lemur-like, I don't think this was intentional. SI's little blurb gives no clues either:

Slammin' Sammy is clearly keeping himself occupied these days. Here he arrives with a rather distinguished guest at a Person of the Year ceremony in honor of Juan Gabriel at Mandalay Bay Resort & Casino in Las Vegas on Nov. 4.

Yes. Clearly. Not so clear? Why he now has the same skin tone as Bryce Howard. Come on, SI. Get to the bottom of this.

****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Weed Against Daulerio will be on for parts of the day tomorrow. Barry on Sunday.

Donald Sterling Continues To Get Away With Being The Most Evil Man In Sports [Nba]

Tommy Craggs — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:52:39 -0500

Racist greedhead Donald Sterling will pay $2.73 million to settle a federal housing bias lawsuit accusing him of all kinds of sleazy and thuggish behavior, none of which matters in David Stern's NBA if you're an owner.

The settlement is said to be the largest of its kind. Dan Wetzel rightly wonders why more people aren't talking about Sterling. Maybe it's because there's just so much to talk about that no one knows where to begin:

• In 2003, 19 tenants and the Housing Rights Center filed a housing discrimination lawsuit against Sterling, one of the biggest landowners in Los Angeles. (That case, too, was settled.) According to depositions given by one of Sterling's property supervisors and obtained by ESPN The Magazine's Peter Keating, Sterling didn't like renting to black people ("they smell"), Mexican-Americans ("just sit around and smoke and drink all day") and people with children ("brats"), though he did like Koreans because "they will take whatever conditions I give them and still pay the rent." (The property supervisor, Sumner Davenport, sued Sterling for sexual harassment. She lost.)

• When a tenant asked to be compensated for water damage in her flooded apartment, Sterling allegedly told Davenport, "Just evict the bitch."

• According to former general manger Elgin Baylor, Sterling envisioned a "Southern Plantation type structure" for the Clippers, one in which, as he allegedly put it to Baylor, "poor black boys from the South" played for a white head coach.

• Sterling bought the Clippers in 1981 for $13 million. The franchise is now valued at $300 million. On his watch, the Clippers have lost 50 games in a season 20 times. Long ago, Sterling realized — correctly — that an owner could turn a tidy and effortless profit under the NBA's revenue-sharing system merely by losing cheaply and relying on the league's ever-fattening coffers.

• The NBA once fined Sterling $10,000 for suggesting the Clippers tank to help their draft position.

• As reported here, Sterling's scorekeepers in the late 1990s routinely and dramatically undercounted the Clippers' assist totals. Deliberate or not, the effect was to depress the value of the team's own players.

• According to Franz Lidz in Sports Illustrated, Sterling would refuse to add players even after injuries left the roster at the league minimum of eight. "The Clippers came close to forfeiting a game after forward Michael Brooks had oral surgery," Lidz wrote. "Brooks had to suit up, and he actually played, though his jaw was as swollen as Sterling's ego."

• Sterling once welshed on a $1,000 prize for a free-throw shooting contest, forcing the winner, a lawyer and season ticketholder named Michael Spilger, to sue. More than a year later, according to Lidz, Spilger got his money.

• During his first season as owner, according to Sports Illustrated, Sterling reportedly wanted to save money by jettisoning the team trainer. He asked coach Paul Silas if he would mind taping up players before games.

• According to Sports Illustrated: "Sterling is also said to have proposed to trim the team budget for his second season by slashing training-camp expenses from more than $50,000 to about $100, scouting from more than $20,000 to about $1,000, advertising from more than $200,000 to less than $9,000 and medical expenses from about $10,000 to $100."

• Sterling would solicit "hostesses" for private parties and Clippers events, one of whom told ESPN The Magazine: "Working for Donald Sterling was the most demoralizing, dehumanizing experience of my life. He asked me for seminude photos and made it clear he wanted more."

• A former employee sued Sterling for sexual harassment in 1996. According to testimony obtained by ESPN The Magazine, Sterling would order her to find massage therapists, saying, "I want someone who will, you know, let me put it in or who [will] suck on it." The case was settled.

• In 2003, Sterling acknowledged paying a woman named Alexandra Castro $500 every time "she provided sex." He testified: "It was purely sex for money, money for sex, sex for money, money for sex." He would call her honey, but for decidedly unromantic reasons. "I'm a very flowery man," he said. "If you are having sex with a woman you are paying for, you always call her honey because you can't remember her name."

And that's just a partial list. Remember Sterling the next time someone projects his private demographic terrors on all the "thugs" in the NBA. In his time as the Clippers' owner, he has behaved far more repulsively than any wayward player ever suspended by David Stern; if Sterling were a small forward, he'd be looking for a run in Minsk right about now. But he's an owner and a wealthy real-estate magnate, and for those reasons and no other, a league so concerned about its public image that it tells its players how to dress will happily overlook the fact that Donald T. Sterling is a cheap, whoring bigot.

L.A. Clippers' Sterling Settles Housing Bias Lawsuit [Bloomberg]
Uncontested: The life of Donald Sterling [ESPN The Magazine]
Up And Down In Beverly Hills [Sports Illustrated]

Chris Dudley Will Rebuild Oregon Brick By Brick [Nba]

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:15:57 -0500

The former NBA "big man" is running for governor of Oregon, as a Republican. "He's a solid guy, and Oregonians know that." If by "solid," you mean he played the post like he had lead feet, then yeah. [AP]

And Now Some Updates On The Sean Salisbury Lawsuit [Lawsuit]

DAULERIO — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:53:21 -0500

No comment, no comment. No comment no comment no comment, no comment. No comment no comment, no comment, no, comment, no comment. No comment. [Mckinney Courier-Gazette]

The One Where The Spirited Phillies Fan Leaves Us A Phone Message [Deleted Scenes]

DAULERIO — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:30:52 -0500

We get a massive amount of tips in our inbox each week. Some are pretty interesting, but don't get published for one reason or another

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

And Here's One Of Her Emails, Too

Excuse me...

I urge you to provide me proof that embedding was permitted from my YouTube account which I assure you wasn't. That's why I'm not going away until you take down the article and compensate me for the escalating level of slander, now up to almost 18,000 views. Have you even asked Barry how he got it? Because no matter what he says, it will be a lie that he took it legally.

I also did not think I would be outing my full identity with a screen name I selected, "PhillySlide," but all that keeps coming up is "SEDonaldson." Your site will not allow me to fix it. That IS your problem to fix now and I do think that is mandatory. I also don't appreciate you telling me that I will "regret" anything. I do not regret standing up for myself. You should regret having a career where you think it is morally ok to defame people. Your parents would be so proud.

Sarah

And Here's Another Lady You Pissed Off

To whom it may concern,

I was connected to your site through a link in a sports article from Yahoo.com. I was thrilled to see a story featuring a female Jayhawks fan with a beautiful back-piece tattoo. However, I was then disgusted to read some of the comments posted below…

AzureTexan

11:25 AM

Hmmm, a Kansas skank. If she clicks her heels three times with enough force, a ping-pong ball will fall out. #kansasjayhawks Reply

Artie Fufkin

09:58 AM

The frat brother with his letters tatooed on his ankle looks like a pus now. Doesn't mean he won't date rape her later. #kansasjayhawks Reply

Hit Bull Win Steak

09:43 AM

alright, the tattoo I can sort of understand, but was the rhinoplasty to get the Jayhawk's beak really necessary? #kansasjayhawks Reply

I then noticed y'all didn't have any women on staff. I would suggest that if you want a female following and fan base (yes there are die hard female fans out there… Look at Jayhawk Kat) you might want to censor out some of these ignorant comments that perpetuate gender stereotypes.. I am fairly sure this email will not go anywhere and nothing will change, but that does not change the fact that by allowing comments like these to be posted you are directly contributing to gender inequity in sport and reinforcing harmful gender stereotypes. At the very least please keep the female sports fan in mind when running future stories and concerning future content.

Thank you for your time,

Liz J. Titus

I Miss You, Too, Philly

So what the fuck? the bigwigs in New York keeping you down from talking shit? I speak for every Philadelphian who read this site and enjoyed the hell out of your writing on the way to being "THE WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS" . Talk some shit big boy. Or aren't you really in charge of the site. Sixers beat the Knicks, Birds sent the Giants back up the turnpike with their tails between their legs and now we have a shot to even it up and you ain't a smart ass? Council Rock pussy, Neshaminy '79 says stand up to those New York Gawker fucks and say I'm Philly and I'm Proud!!

Hope to see some better shit-talking tomorrow on the verge of game seven. AND STILL, THE REIGNING WFC's, THE PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Mike G.

If Anyone Needs A Brazilian Football Or Soccer Coach

Good Afternoon,
I'm Oilson Silva, live in the city of Curitiba in Brazil.
I am looking for an opportunity to work with football or soccer in the United States of America.
play soccer since I was 11 years.
Currently I'm 27 years old with a great knowledge of football.

I got this address by searching the Internet.
I'm sorry if I'm being inconvenient.
I hope you can help me!
Thank you!
I look forward to a response!

my phone is 41-xxxxxx

And If You Need Assistance Finding These Jobs, Contact Tommy Craggs

Hey Tommy great article, my name is mike im 17 and i just wanted to tell you that im a huge fan of the broncos and a bigger football fan in general but i wanted to ask you how a person would go about trying to get a coaching job in the NFL im really interested.

Thanks again, Mike

And We've Also Started To Get Larry Johnson's Mail

Larry,read the news-report that stated you are suspended from playing because of a remark concerning homosexuals...I urge you NOT to recant or take back your statement even if it cost you your job....God made Male and Female,and never made an in between sex...The whole country is fearful of the homosexual-lesbian coalition...Talk show host,Politicians and many pastors are bowing to this vile sickness called gay....Your stand against this behaviour is correct...God warned of such sexual sin and called it sodomy...All three major religeons condemn such behaviour...Brother Johnson,stand up for your belief and never bow to homosexual-lesbian sin....you may lose your job,but,never lose your character or compromise your integrity... Prophet H Walker(overseer)
True Light Pentecost Church

Oh, Aren't You Clever

Hey A.J.,

So I'm walking to the train tuesday morning and I find out that the neighborhood cat "Suede" has gone missing. Is there any chance you guys can forward this to Psycho T so we can get Suede home. If he can bring Sarah back to that irresponsible black girl, then I think he can find Suede.

Thanks,
Chubs P.

Yes, David Stern Is A Huge Fan Of Nazi Shark

Apparently David Stern reads deadspin. All rejoice.

On the Dan Patrick show David Stern said they can't do anything about Tim Donaghy's book. He hasn't read the whole book. "I have read the excerpts that were on Deadspin," Stern said.

Fu*k Your Parade, Yankees [Balls Deep]

Drew Magary — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:45:10 -0500

Oh hey! Loogit! Very rich people being cheered as they drive through the financial district most responsible for our economic downfall! WHAT A WONDERFUL SIGHT TO SEE!

I once had to spend a day working with a very obnoxious woman in a New York recording studio during the playoffs back in 2001. Every five seconds, this horrible beast of a human being would sit down and shout out to no one in particular, BOY, I TELL YA, IT'S TOUGH BEING A YANKEES FAN! Any time I tried to speak, she talked right over me to talk about the fucking Yankees. That's the kind of person celebrating down in the Canyon of Heroes: worthless sacks of shit who believe the historic superiority of their baseball team somehow makes them more important people than you or I.

So allow me to take this moment to craft a very heartfelt message to the Yankees and their fans today: FUCK YOU. Fuck your team. Fuck your stadium. Fuck your history. Fuck it with a gun.

Fuck you, Joe Delessio. Don't try and tell me that you Yankee fans are sweet little angels who just happen to be blessed with astonishing success.

A common criticism of Yankees fans is that we feel entitled, that we believe we deserve only the best players, and that it's World Series or bust. This criticism has at least some merit. But can you blame us? We have to spend more on tickets, and we have to plan out which games we're going to attend in March if, God forbid, we want to sit in the upper deck without going to StubHub.

OH NOES! You have to spend money! Money that might have to come out of your yearly Paris summercation budget! And you have to buy tickets IN ADVANCE! Oh, the agony! How I wish I could be a Royals fan and wander into an empty and lifeless stadium on a whim!

Fuck you, Jay Z. The fuck are you doing on the float? You didn't do SHIT. And fuck A-Rod's hat. Fuck Billy Crystal. Fuck Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantle, and the astonishing number of Yankees Hall of Famers who were drunks, wife beaters, and obnoxious pricks. Fuck the fans who happily overlook the massive character flaws of said heroes because they themselves possess similar attributes. Fuck George Steinbrenner. YOU'RE DYING, AND NOTHING CAN STOP IT NOW. Why don't you go play another game of chess against a roll of scotch tape, you senile old prick?

Fuck New York City bus drivers. Will you please, for once, stop right where all of us are standing, instead of pulling thirty yards further down the curb to accommodate some ghost bus behind you that never arrives? DICKS. Fuck Mike Francesca. Fuck the real estate brokers in your town. THOSE PEOPLE ARE SATAN'S LAMBS. Fuck the subway, especially the 4 train to Yankee Stadium, which fucking blows. And double fuck that piece of shit stadium, and the way you raped an entire city to get it. Fuck the smug investment bankers and lawyers who are the only people who can afford to go and love that fact. And fuck the old Yankee Stadium too. That place was a toilet.

Fuck your secret love for the Red Sox. Why don't you two go hump in an alley and get it over with? Fuck AJ Burnett's stupid necklace. Fuck JackO. Fuck Jeter. Fuck Michael Kay. Fuck Suzyn Waldman. Fuck Bob Sheppard. Fuck the whole of you. When I saw that Al Gore movie and he showed downtown Manhattan flooded by polar ice caps, I fucking applauded.

And fuck your championship. Congrats. You bored us for an incredible 27th time. Take your ugly-ass rings and stick them in the Canyon of Heroes residing between your legs.

I'm sure I've missed someone. Yours in the comments.

Elizabeth Lambert Is Now America's Greatest Villain [Women's Soccer]

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:20:27 -0500

The internet is both titillated and enraged (pretty standard for the internet, actually) over the video of an angelic young soccer player nearly decapitating her opponent via ponytail yanking. But does she deserve your scorn or your pity?

Junior Elizabeth Lambert is the Loco Lobo who cameras caught bringing the pain down on BYU in the Mountain West women's soccer semifinals. She kicked, she punched, she clawed, she yanked and basically slugged her way to global infamy. Not since Zinedine Zidane has the world cared so much about soccer players hurting each other.

We already have the apologies and recriminations—Lambert has been suspended indefinitely by her school—and there's sure to be more handwringing and "WHY ARE OUR LITTLE GIRLS SO OUT OF CONTROL?" editorials, but I suspect that Lambert will get far more grief than she probably deserves. I admit that I'm not a soccer expert, but it seems that she isn't any dirtier than most footballers—just more obvious.

You'll notice that in some of the instances, Lambert is retaliating for chippy play from the Cougars. It was grossly out of proportion retaliation, but retaliation nonetheless. A Cougar throws an elbow, Lambert throws a punch to the shoulder blades. Another pulls her shorts, she pulls her hair. Another steps on her foot, she sends one of their guys to the morgue. That's the New Mexico way.

And you'll also notice that despite all these apparent infractions, all Lambert received was one measly yellow card. The point is that these kinds of "dirty" tactics (elbows, jersey pulling, tripping) are all part of how soccer is played. It's just that its usually a lot more subtle. Clearly she crossed the line, but maybe the problem isn't that Lambert is a rageaholic thug, it's that she just isn't very good at soccer. A more accomplished player would have found a way to de-cleat her tormentors without drawing so much attention to herself. Unlike the usually reliable Zidane, who instead chose to take his revenge during the final minutes of the most important and most watched soccer match imaginable.

Yes, girls play dirty too. I know this is shocking to everyone, but not if you've ever been to a casino with Tim Floyd.

New Mexico Women's Soccer Player Suspended Indefinitely [Go Lobos]
College Soccer Player Turns NCAA Playoff Game Into Hand-to-Hand "Combat" [CBS News]
BYU Fights Off New Mexico, 1-0 [ESPN]
New Mexico Women's Soccer: Probably Tougher Than Cristiano Ronaldo [Sporting Blog]

John. Cougar. Mormon Camp. [Mascot Meltdowns]

Drew Magary — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:30:23 -0500

Via Spencer Hall and Shaggy Bevo comes this delightfully misplaced piece of Cougar Tail. I believe we call that positioning the Five O'Clock Cock.

Searching For..."I LIV 4 THIS" Woman [Whimsy]

DAULERIO — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:15:06 -0500

Really. Thanks to one reader's wife who became Facebook friends with this happy "e"-less female Yankee fan last night, she's actually been found and identified. America, meet Amy Warren AKA "I LIV 4 THIS" woman.

OK, I have done some further investigation (ie: she confirmed my wife as a FB friend). Basically, there's no doubt that it's her—there are pictures of her on her wall as the I LIV 4 THIS, and numerous people congratulating her. She also responds in the comments to one post that it was her.
We decided against sending you a bunch of screenshots of her FB page, since it's kind of weird to FB friend someone just so you can reveal their identity to a sports blog. My wife sent Amy a message with a link to the Deadspin post, so we left it to her to get in touch with you.

If she doesn't, we all can live with the private knowledge that IL4T girl is named Amy Warren.

And...she did.

Hi A.J.

I am responding to your "absurd mission impossible post". An old friend from HS said they saw this post on facebook and knew that I was the "I LIV 4 THIS" girl from TV and said I should respond so here I am. I saw that girl Sarah's post. You can tell that girl Sarah that I only have Sisters....sorry to disappoint and the reason there is no "E" on the end of the shirt is because it wouldn't fit!!!

Anyway....here I am...don't know what else the girl wants or needs.

GO YANKEES! — Amy

So, Sarah, there's your answer — Amy is not your boyfriend's long, lost sister. It's a shame because she seems like such a pleasant woman and would be a great addition to anyone's family.

Area Satirical Newspaper Joins Forces With Puppet-Based Humor Channel [Balls Deep]

Drew Magary — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 13:47:56 -0500

In a move I can only pray will cut Jeff Dunham-related programming down to a more manageable 23 hours a day, The Onion and Comedy Central will be doing a sports show together.

People have been trying to crack the "Daily Show for Sports" code for a while now. Versus has "Sports Soup". ESPN had "Mohr Sports," which was worse than prison AIDS. And now, The Onion will give it a shot. AND WITHOUT DJ GALLO! THE NERVE OF THESE PRICKS!

The Onion is teaming with Comedy Central to produce a half-hour scripted comedy pilot based on the Onion Sports Network website.

You have to like the chances of any entity that composes a headline such as, "Bruce Bowen Fouls Back In." Even if said entity is populated by Brooklyn hipsters who probably don't actually watch sports (like Deadspin is!). Bonus points to The Onion if Smoov B and Jim Anchower are hired as field correspondents. Carlos Mencia is already fast-tracking the exact same show idea.

Now, this program will probably require a writing staff. Sure, I‘m told The Onion only pays its writing staff in oats, but still. WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY. I daresay we have some commenters here that would be more than qualified to work for such a program. So let's use the comments section as an audition space. If they don't hire Gourmet Spud out of this, I don't believe in nuthin' no more.

What Terrible Football Organization Will You Be Protesting This Weekend? [Protests]

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 13:00:03 -0500

Are you a football fan? Then there's a good chance your favorite team sucks. Sorry. But if you really want people to feel your pain, you'll organize some sort of protest of upper management, because that always makes things better.

We know about the Redskins soap opera that has riveted everyone in the D.C. era, except Dan Snyder. Fan are upset. Security at FedEx field is upset because they now how have discipline the upset fans even though they'd rather just stand still and do nothing and that just makes everyone even more grumpy. Now some genius has found the solution to banned signs—a sign of humanity where folks in the upper deck can spell out "Fire Snyder" simply by wearing the right color t-shirt. If they can decode this seating chart first. I don't see how this possibly fails.

They aren't alone however. Browns fans are actually fighting with each other over the best way to voice their displeasure with the team's "rebuilding" process. A group of "Dawg Pound" residents are planning to arrive late to the Monday night game against the Ravens in two weeks, which will surely hurt Phil Dawson's feelings. Meanwhile other Cleveland fans counter with the ridiculous argument that you can't reverse a decade of failure in 7 games. This is not the time to be calm and rational, folks.

But it's not just NFL fans who are pumping up the emo music. Some Colorado students are urging everyone to wear powder blue to Folsom Field on Saturday in honor of one of the worst eras—and uniform choices—in Buffaloes history. Although, I'm not sure why they need the reminder when everyone is well aware that this current team is awful. This "statement" will surely rock academia to its foundations and possibly make CU administrators cancel the football program altogether. It's the only way to be sure.

And of course, Louisville's quixotic quest to humiliate head football coach Steve Kragthrope silently marches on. Shame is not a weapon when your opponent has none.

Or if football isn't your game, maybe write a strongly worded letter to the NBA reminding them that one of their oldest and least successful owners is also a racist jackass. Why should football fans have all the fun?

A FedEx Field Sign Snyder Can't Ban [Fire Snyder Sign, via FamousDC]
Browns Fans' Stand Against Dawg Pound Mike's Nov. 16 Protest [Cleveland Frowns]
Browns fans: Don't protest [Read and React]
Fed-up CU Buffs fans plan powder-blue protest at Folsom [Colorado Daily]
Bag Krag [Bag Krag]
Sterling suit seems to fit NBA just fine [Yahoo]

Tim Tebow Messiah Watch: Blessing The Child Edition [Christ]

Tommy Craggs — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:30:33 -0500

With apologies to Slate, the Tim Tebow Messiah Watch is our occasional look at the growing body of evidence — quotes, signs and wonders, excessively fawning prose — that the Florida quarterback is the Lamb of God.

Witness: 10-year-old Kris Huggins, via the Florida Times-Union's Mark Woods

Testimony:

Practice wrapped up. The rest of the players were off the field. And Tebow was about to leave, too, when the officers said something to Tebow.

He trotted over to where Kris was standing, introduced himself and said, "Do you want to play some ball, buddy?"

Ask Kris if he remembers what his reaction was and he says, "It was like in the movies when someone's jaw falls the ground."

He was wearing sandals. When he left their house on the Southside, he wasn't exactly planning to run routes and catch passes from Tim Tebow. But did he want to play some ball?

[...]

Tebow and Kris started in the south end zone, working their way toward midfield. Tebow telling him where to run. Kris running, catching the ball - he only dropped one - and then throwing it back.

"He said I have a really good arm," Kris said.

His mother has told him that before. But somehow it's not the same as hearing it from a Heisman Trophy winner. Afterward, Tebow grabbed a ball, signed it and gave it to him.

Pertinent Scripture: Mark 10:14-16

He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.

Please submit any evidence that Tim Tebow is our Redeemer to tips@deadspin.com.

You don't have to be a Tebow fan to appreciate this story [Florida Times-Union, via TimTeblog]

Ted Ginn: A Lot Like Jesus! [Nfl]

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:10:51 -0500

Says Miami O-Coordinator Dan Henning: "In the Bible, on Palm Sunday they threw flowers at the Good Lord, then on Friday they....beat the shit out of him, crucified him....in this league they give us seven days....only gave him five." [NBCMiami]

You Really Don't Want To See This [Wake Up Deadspin]

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:00:51 -0500

Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to tips@deadspin.com. Subject: Morning crap.

Ok, I guess after watching that girl get her head pulled off this seems pretty tame, but I post this mostly to show solidarity with eye-gougers everywhere like Brandon Spikes. Spikes voluntary suspended himself for all of this Saturday's game, because the only thing worse than only getting to play just one half against Vanderbilt, is having to play a full game against Vanderbilt.

By the way, the official caption on this photo reads, "Hertha BSC player Marc Stein, right, grabs the head of Heerenveen player Oussama Assaidi, left, during their group D Europa League soccer match at Abe Lenstra stadium in Heerenveen, northern Netherlands, Thursday, Nov. 5, 2009." I understood "Thursday" but I think the rest of that is just gibberish.

[AP Photo/Peter Dejong]

* * * * *

No more Halloween posts, so stop sending the pictures now and get some help. I think it's a Loverboy kind of Friday.

Whores Are Coming To Dallas (Picture Not Related) [Water Cooler Fodder]

Barry Petchesky — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 06:30:00 -0500

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•Between the NBA All-Star game and the Super Bowl, Dallas police are expecting six figures worth of prostitutes to flood the Metroplex. Thankfully, (tonyromo) the star athletes of the city (joshhamilton) would never (dirknowitzki) get involved with women of ill repute.

•Know the name Anze Kopitar yet? You probably should. The breakout Slovenian superstar led the Kings to a dominant victory over the Stanley Cup champions, announcing their legitimacy and teaching me that Slovenia is apparently a wholly separate country from Slovakia.

•Are the Cavs even a top three team in the east? They didn't look like it last night, falling to the Bulls. Tonight will be interesting, as they travel to New York where LeBron will see his future. (Whether that future is his team dominating opponents, or losing with the Knicks depends on your point of view.

•Baseball's hot stove league kicked off in earnest, with Jeremy Hermida going to Boston, Bobby Abreu staying in Anaheim, and Jason Bay and Matt Holliday making their intentions to blow town clear. For all those teams looking for a power bat in the outfield, let me remind you that Barry Bonds is still available.

•Here's a list of the top 10 sideline reporter bloopers. Your clear number one involves double penetration, and it's not even a Vikings sideline reporter!

•Pittsburgh safety Ryan Clark is unlikely to play Monday night in Denver, because of a rare sickle-cell trait that makes exertion in high altitudes dangerous. Should the Broncos win, expect dome teams to pump a little oxygen out of their stadiums when the Steelers come to town.

•Finally, I would be remiss in shirking my duty as a conduit for your Yankee hatred. Here's a collection of celebration videos, capped off by the most touching: a man and his crazy West Indian mother.

Okay, I'll Be The One To Say It...This Is Hot [Soccer]

Barry Petchesky — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 03:00:00 -0500

BYU and New Mexico had one of ~~the only~~ the chippiest women's soccer games you'll ever see.

And here's the link for when the YouTube inevitably gets pulled.

BYU Fights Off New Mexico, 1-0 [ESPN]

Forget Strength Of Schedule; Look At This Snazzy Press Release! [College Football]

Barry Petchesky — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 02:00:00 -0500

The WAC hired a PR firm to convince voters than an undefeated Broncos team would be deserving of a BCS bowl. Okay, but I'm not going on a junket to Boise. [ESPN via Midwest Sports Fans]

Hockey Team Dooms Children, Elderly [Nhl]

Barry Petchesky — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:15:00 -0500

Because the prairie provinces are generally uncontroversial, and those few controversies are always hockey-related, the latest media storm in Calgary is due to the Flames jumping the line to receive the swine flu vaccine.

While Alberta suffers an H1N1 vaccine shortage, the Calgary Flames and their relatives got the shots at the request of the team doctor. Now a senior official at Alberta Health Services, the sole clinic that rather Orwellianly controls the entire vaccine supply for the province, has been fired.

Like most Albertans, I am deeply offended that this circumstance has occurred," said a statement signed by Ken Hughes, Alberta Health Services' board chairman, and Stephen Duckett, the authority's CEO.

"AHS board and management have a fundamental commitment to serve all Albertans according to their needs, in medical priority. This circumstance was a clear departure from that principle. We set the expectation that this should not have happened and should not happen again," the statement said.

Now hold on a minute. You're telling me that professional athletes aren't more important than ordinary people? How very socialist of you, Canada.

I'm sure Jarome Iginla's, Miikka Kiprusoff's, and to a much lesser extent Freddy Sjostrom's health matters a great deal more to Alberta's economy and general happiness than 76-year-old Edna Martyn of Red Deer. And while every child is precious, I doubt the average child is going to have a plus-minus rating like Craig Conroy's.

Alberta Official Fired As Flu Shot Fury Hits Calgary Flames, B.C. Farm Team [Calgary Herald]

I Hope No One In Philadelphia Needed To Find Anything On The Internet Today [Mlb]

Barry Petchesky — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:30:00 -0500

Bing is apparently giving up on that elusive non-New York market, transforming their front page into a tribute to the Yankees. Well, they do say that rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for Microsoft. [Via The Sports Hernia]

The Face That Launched A Thousand Indignant E-Mails (UPDATE) [Fan Mail]

Barry Petchesky — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:45:00 -0500

We thought it was all fun and games when we posted this video of Manu Ginobili swatting down a rogue bat on Halloween. We neglected to take into account the rabid bat-lovers among our readership.

PETA, of course, already weighed in on this. But the beauty of the new Deadspin layout is that readers can contact us directly, and in this case rip us as if we were the bat-murderers.

A sample of our fan mail:

What an ignorant Neanderthal! There was no need to kill the bat. Bats rarely contract and transmit rabies, and when they do, it is by a bite. Let's hope the bat had a chance to bite the bastard when before it died, and even better, it was rabid.

Susan Barnard, Editor
Bats in Captivity

(Editor's note: Manu got 16 preventative rabies shots. You win this round, Susan Barnard.)

Killing harmless and beneficial animals is not funny, even on Halloween. Its sick! Your reference to the "bloodsucker" is in very poor taste, implying that a tiny insectivorous bat is somehow a vampire. Although I don't know in what state this game took place, generally bats are protected wildlife, and wanton killing is hardly in the best interests of our wildlife populations. Surely you are not so ignorant as to believe that a good bat is a dead bat! I suggest you go to batcon.org and catch up on your education.
Richard LaVal

Bats are as important to our ecosystem as humans, and dare I say are much more beneficial than basketball players. Bats are some of the most harmless creatures on earth, but I wish that poor bat has the power to cruelly kill that Manu Ginobli. It would have been in self defense.
Bruce

(Editor's note: No, that reader's last name was not "Wayne.")

Bat death is a serious offence across all of Europe.
Your post seems very insensitive to those of us who work to conserve bats.
Noel Jackson
Vice-president, Durham Bat Group.

We should not be glorifying this man! Bats are innocent animals, not the vampires and bloodsuckers of fiction. If it had been a kitten on the court, would he have stepped on it? No. So why couldn't he just grab the bat and safely release it outside, or call animal control to capture and release it? I think he released the bat himself just so he could be on TV, and you are giving him the attention he wants! If any teenagers try to copy what they saw, and kill bats, this will be on your head.

Okay, let's do this for posterity. I am not in favor of bat murder. I did not kill that bat; that was a professional basketball player, who probably doesn't read this site, and certainly doesn't read my e-mails.

But a serious question for the bat-lovers. Why did I get more angry e-mails over this than any time I've written a post making fun of dogfighting?

[UPDATE:] Has Manu been unjustly accused?

Manu gave the bat to an usher. The usher took it outside and it flew away. Im a officer at the ATT center and I saw it my damn self.

Peta... did you see the professional athletes run like kids when the bat swooped the floor. This is TEXAS. We have millions of those things and we even sell their poop.

Peta... grow up. Go bother the circus and leave MANU alone.

Tim Lincecum Cited In Least Surprising Pot Bust Ever [Mlb]

Barry Petchesky — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:15:00 -0500

Raise your hand if you didn't see this one coming. Was it the shaggy hair? The vacant smile? Or the 3.3 grams of marijuana found in the reigning Cy Young Award winner's Mercedes? [The Columbian]

The Pop-Psychologizing Of Alex Rodriguez Will Never End [Duan!]

Tommy Craggs — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:30:06 -0500

A-Rod finished the postseason with a .365/.500/.808 line. Apparently, this had nothing to do with his being a wonderful ballplayer and everything to do with personal transformation, moral courage and self-actualization. Meet your 2009 playoffs MVP: Freakin' Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

No other player has been so afflicted with the terrible pop psychology of sportswriters as Alex Rodriguez, and even now that he's just won the championship that he was supposedly too selfish and inner-directed to win, Rodriguez is being subjected to yet more inane psychologizing. Here's Ronald Blum of the Associated Press:

But this was a new A-Rod, liberated and transformed in his 16th big league season. Finally starting to grow up at age 34, he shed the distractions caused by his $275 million contract and an entourage of handlers he picked up from Madonna. He glowed in his relationship with new girlfriend Kate Hudson.

Ted Keith of SI.com:

If the legacies of Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Andy Pettitte and Jorge Posada were crystallized by their fifth world title, then in winning his first, Rodriguez's was transformed. He may still be slightly vain — a centaur? Really? — and may still be highly ambitious, but he has undoubtedly acquired a new level of humility that, in fairness, may have been hard to come by as he was performing like the best player in the world (winning three MVP awards in five seasons) and being paid like it (signing not one but two contracts in excess of a quarter-billion dollars just seven years apart).

That transformation began with his much-dissected press conference, but the real impetus for change came a few weeks later when he went to lunch with some friends of his and heard them "tell me a lot of things that I needed to hear," he says. "I listened and I humbled myself. I look in the mirror and I was honest with myself and I didn't like what I saw."

This all makes for a pleasant story arc — ooh! he's having another moment in front of a mirror — but it's nonsense, and one day, Rodriguez will have a good chuckle over it while polishing his World Series ring. Does anyone really believe he went .365/.500/.808 because he located some new wellspring of humility? Or because he shed those infamous "distractions," stopped counting his money and fetched up with a more PG-13 celebrity? He hit .365/.500/.808 because he's one of the greatest hitters of his generation, Kate Hudson or no.

Consider: As a regular, A-Rod has now figured in 11 playoff series; by my reckoning, he played poorly in only three of them. In the others, he was good, if not brilliant: .409/.480/.773 for Seattle in the 2000 ALCS against the Yankees; .421/.476/.737 with the Yankees in the 2004 ALDS against the Twins. He very nearly went 0-for-Detroit in 2006, but otherwise, even discounting his supposed Great Awakening this season, Rodriguez has enjoyed the sort of postseason success that the Mike Lupicas of the world are usually so quick to label "clutch." That they never did was probably out of fealty to the public image of a wealthy, sybaritic loser that they had so laboriously constructed for A-Rod. But he was great before, and he was great again, and the only transformation that took place was in the imaginations of those sportswriters who never tire of assigning moral value to things that happen in a baseball game.

A-Rod finally a champion after year of turmoil [AP]
From steroids to celebrations, what a year it's been for Alex Rodriguez [SI.com]

* * * * *

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry's back tonight, and I'm sure he'll have some pleasant and totally sufferable thoughts to share about the World Series.

Sports-O-Ween III: Season Of The Itchy Sweatpants [Whimsy]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:30:28 -0500

You people just will not let this go, will you? Just moments after I put up the last gallery of unfortunate costume horrors, my inbox was flooded with still more masquerade submissions. Seriously, folks, this is becoming a sickness.

But hey, it's an easy post. So in the tradition of terrible horror movie franchises, we present yet another sequel to the original Sport-O-Ween. This time it's wrestlers, swimmers, way too much Kenny Powers, and easily the most offensive costume you've seen yet. Too soon? You bet your ass it's too soon.

Let's just get all the Kenny P.s out of the way right now. Kevin H. is best.
Do you think he had to buy the Zubaz or were they already in his closet? [Submitted by Jill R.]
Yeah, he probably had them already. [Submitted by J.F.]
I think HBO should have given us more money. Seriously, you guys really loved this show. [Submitted by Andrew D.]
He's no Bode Lubber, but Baby Birdman definitely has the cutest sleeve tattoos of the year. [Submitted by Kurt R.]
I have no idea what's going on here. I'm just glad Bob Barker isn't alive to see this. [Submitted by Joel S.]
Alex B. will shove this costume down your fucking throat.
Ben S. calls this one "Clubhouse Cancer" because ... tumors = hilarity.
Hulk.... [Submitted by Jon B.]
Macho Man.... [Submitted by Casey C.]
Hulk and Macho Man. The circle is complete. [Submitted by Murphy]
Later, these two made sweet, sweet love in the "production truck." (Which was actually a port-a-john behind the stadium.) They kept the masks on. [Submitted by Matt O.]
A little surprised it took this long to get a Phelps with Bong. [Submitted by "The Boil Over"]
But more than one person still had their '08 costume ready to go. [Submitted by Allen Q.]
Whoa. I didn't not see that coming. I guess this is post-suspension and Doritio-loving Phelps. [Submitted by Ray B.]
Ricky Vaughn or a regular dude in a Cleveland jersey on a Saturday night?
Again, that might just be the actual Rangers looking for a game. Or your sloppy seconds. [Submitted by Karen M.]
Steve-O's Tyson costume is impregnable. [Submitted by CJ]
I think this "David Ortiz" is the one that really needs some performance enhancers. [Submitted by Brad K.]
Now we're down to the nitty gritty. Blood, mayhem and sweatpants. [Submitted by Brad S.]
I always knew those two were up to something. [Submitted by Mark C.]
Not there yet ... wait for it ... [Submitted by Chris]
Ding! Ding! Ding! I think we have a solid winner for most offensive costume of the year. So much detail, yet he couldn't spring for the Titans jersey! Watch my head as I slowly shake it in disappointment for humanity. [Submitted by Chris]

Gladwell, I Am Told, Is Often Misunderstood [Malcolm Gladwell]

DAULERIO — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:45:44 -0500

Deadspin's part-time weekend wrecker Moe Tkacik has penned an epically long story about Bill Simmons admirer and pezzy-haired cultural point-tipper Malcolm Gladwell for "The Nation." Feast.[The Nation]

Searching For...Whoever The Hell This Lady Is [Whimsy]

DAULERIO — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:00:17 -0500

Deadspin's deadbeat ballplayer detective service has prompted more readers to reach out to us with more people-finding missions. The latest request is a little more complicated because it's, well, oh, just read the email...

Hi AJ & Crew –
I'm sure you are sifting through a ton of emails after the WS last night, but I have a favor to ask. So remember that girl that FOX kept showing? The one who couldn't be bothered to add the extra "E" to her "I LIV 4 THIS" custom jersey? Well, she looks exactly like my boyfriend. The resemblance is frightening. She looks more like him than either of his sisters do. As far as we know, there are no other relatives running around unaccounted for, but she looks too much like him to not be related to him in some way.

So my favor is, can you guys post this so we can figure out who she is? If you guys can find Jose Lima, I'm sure you can find this girl.

Thanks guys,

Sarah

PS – if you guys end up seeing this and not posting it, could you at least just tell Big Daddy Drew that I love him? Thanks.

So to reiterate this absurd mission impossible: Please identify the "I LIV 4 THIS" woman so Sarah here can figure out if that person is a blood relative of her boyfriend. Christ.

We're Sorry Your Blog Won't Get Mentioned On SportsCenter Anymore [Media Meltdowns]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:30:46 -0500

In case you hadn't noticed, ESPN has ended their morning "Blog Buzz" feature, which was their way of sweet talking the three-dimensional circle of sports blogs. They stopped broadcasting it....let's see...a little over two weeks ago. That's weird, right?

Sports Media Challenge, which helped produce the segment for SportsCenter every weekday since April, says they had a six-month contract that simply expired, but that they will continue working with ESPN to create other online, social media-type stuff for the network's other properties. But if you're an up-and-coming young sports blogger who has been dying to hear Sage Steele read a pithy quote from one of your posts on the air ... it's not happening. Yeah, sorry about that.

Sports Media Challenge - Training and Consulting for Sports Personalities [SMC]

The Greatest Thing You'll Watch All Day: Tyler Hansbrough's Acting Class [Tyler Hansbrough]

DAULERIO — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:50:25 -0500

The incomparable J.E. Skeets, Esq. provides us with a glimpse into how Psycho T honed his acting chops before his car wow-filled commercial debut. [BasketballJones]