Deadspin

Somebody At ESPN Is Feeling Frisky And A Very Special Guest Editor Announcement [Duan!]

DAULERIO — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 18:30:18 -0400

I haven't seen the Sportsnation show on ESPN yet, since I spend most of my day at the Gawker office, where television (along with sunlight, smiling, and sustained eye contact) are strictly forbidden, but this little shout-out is flattering.

I'm just disappointed they didn't post my phone number on the show. Maybe next time.

Anyway, hopefully some of the glitches and pinwheeling that went on with the new comment system today will be worked out in the near future, perhaps tomorrow, next year or never. We'll see.

Tomorrow: Very Special Guest Editor days are here again. Your host will be Yoni Brenner, Shouts & Murmurer and a screenwriter on Ice Age 3: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs. So expect a strong dose of highfalutin cartoon humor.

*******

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Pass it around.

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Chad Ochocinco Tweets By His Own Rules [Nfl]

Ben Cohen — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 18:00:00 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Ochocinco: "I'm using Twitter during games." NFL: No, you're not. Ochocinco: "Damn NFL and these rules, I am going by my own set of rules, I ain't hurting nobody or getting in trouble, I am putting my foot down!!" [PFT]

Now It's Aaron Sorkin's Turn To Fail At Writing A Moneyball Script [Moneyball]

Tommy Craggs — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 17:30:04 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Columbia has enlisted Sorkin, the sanctimonious West Wing creator last seen making Ed Asner say "Macau" over and over, to write a draft of the star-crossed Moneyball script. Such waste. Such inefficiency. Somebody could write a bestselling book about this.

Writes Steven Zeitchik of The Hollywood Reporter:

The writer has been brought on to do a draft of the baseball drama that will draw on Steve Zallian's earlier take on the project. The studio wants to move forward quickly with the new iteration, with Sorkin set to turn in his version as soon as August.

Brad Pitt remains on board to star in the Michael DeLuca-produced pic, but Steven Soderbergh will no longer write or direct, and is not involved in the film in any capacity.

[...]

Sorkin is believed to have a close relationship with Sony. The A-list scribe recently completed "The Social Network" for the studio, colloquially known as the Facebook movie.

The writer also has experience writing tales set in the sports world, creating the critically well-received "Sports Night" for ABC a decade ago.

We excerpted Zallian's draft, which Sorkin will no doubt rewrite as a series of snappy conversations between two people walking down hallways. More interesting is that the making of the movie is quickly becoming a meta-commentary on the ideas in the book itself, something Steven Soderbergh — in his much-reviled script — vaguely seemed to toy with. With Sorkin, Columbia is Yankee-ishly tossing yet another big-name talent at a project that was probably doomed from the minute the script got optioned. If Billy Beane worked there, he'd throw a chair through a wall right about now.

Aaron Sorkin game for 'Moneyball' [Hollywood Reporter]

Bah, He's Safe [New York Mets]

DAULERIO — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:50:19 -0400

Daniel Murphy resorts to Globetrotter trickery to help save the Mets season. This will not be enough. [ESPN]

Finding Mustachioed Men In St. Louis Will Win You All-Star Game Tickets [Mlb]

Ben Cohen — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:45:00 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.The All-Star Game is rife with "bare-faced mortals," so the American Mustache Institute — bless their whiskers — is sponsoring a so-called Stache Dash. Find playing cards of mustachioed legends, win bleacher seats. No facial hair necessary. [AMI]

Lenny Dykstra Would Still Like You To Trust Him With Your Money [Lenny Dykstra]

DAULERIO — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:20:40 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Remarkably, Lenny Kyle Dykstra won't quit just because he filed for bankruptcy. No, teammates, it's just a bump in the road. He's still got the golden touch, so jump in while the water's freezing, etc.

Dykstra wrote a letter full of Forcieresque factoids and historical references on his personal website today to let every single person who still considers his stock picking advice sage and lucrative that he's still kicking. It's a truly inspired letter, one bursting with positivity and then strangely cites Burt Reynolds as a brother-in-bankruptcy.

Enjoy:

Just the Facts (and a brief history lesson too)
By Lenny Dykstra

July 9, 2009

By now, many of you have read the news and begun to ask me about it. Since I feel you are like family to me, I will therefore hold nothing back. . . .

I have always prided myself on transparency - both in my personal life and in business. Although there will always be people who choose to spin information negatively, I do hope and believe that most of you will not be swayed solely by muckraking and sensationalized accounts. For those who are interested in the actual facts, I am happy to share.

Incidentally, I expect to be taping an interview for CNBC later this morning and welcome you to tune in for more.

The facts:

1. On July 7, 2009, in a move necessary to shield my property from a host of meritless claims, I filed a petition for Chapter 11 protection.

2. The action will provide me time to reorganize my estate and allow me some breathing room to challenge a multitude of meritless claims that have been made against me.

3. This will further allow me to pursue my lawful claims against a number of parties who have attempted to steal my property, breached material agreements with me or otherwise acted in bad faith or with the intention of causing me to suffer financial harm.

4. I expect to emerge from Chapter 11 protection and continue to achieve my business goals, free from the attacks of those who have attempted to extort me.

5. Aside from the re-launch of my investment newsletter, I will soon be able to resume publication of project which is very close to my heart - The Players Club: A magazine built "For the Players, by the Players."

I assure you that my personal financial maneuvers will in no way adversely affect the quality or continuance of this service. On the contrary, we are now moving full steam ahead on some major enhancements and updates. Within a week or so, you will already start to see the improvements!

You, my loyal subscribers, have stood behind me and realize that my record speaks for itself (111 and 0 with more victories on the way!).

Perhaps if I had invested in my own picks (I am barred from doing so legally), instead of entering into business with parties who sought to destroy me, things might be different for me today.

Regardless of my personal woes - the Chapter 11, the divorce proceedings which my wife sadly seems intent upon pursuing (emotionally, this is by far the most painful of my troubles) and issues regarding my home and the mortgage my lawyers consider to be fraudulent; I am nonetheless committed to serving you and helping YOU to make money.

Bottom line is that this is not about me, it's about YOU! I still stand behind you 100%.

For those who judge me harshly, they might consider if they have fairly examined the evidence before throwing the first stone. . . .

I know that those of you who are honest with yourself realize that no matter how successful we are at any particular point in our lives; it can all come crashing down in a heartbeat.

Of course we all fall down at times (clearly, me included!). Nonetheless, through God's grace and the mercy of the US Bankruptcy Code, thankfully, this is not a life sentence.

Just like when we analyze a solid "though as nails" stock and choose to buy in when it is down, I hope that you will similarly stand behind this "Nails"- your most humbled servant.

My investment strategy is designed to counter against the inevitable ups and downs in the market and leverage them for gain. Even stock in the greatest of companies can tumble. However, when this happens, the ride back to the top will be that much more rewarding. . . .

Although I am saddened and a bit embarrassed that I had no choice but to resort to this action, at least I am in good company. . . .

Two of our greatest presidents, Thomas Jefferson (filed several times) and Abraham Lincoln, were able to restructure their lives through bankruptcy and went on to do great things such as helping to establish the University of Virginia and abolishing slavery.

Ulysses S. Grant went bankrupt after leaving office when a partner in an investment-banking venture swindled him. (I can certainly identify with this one.)

William McKinley filed for protection while serving as Ohio's governor in 1893. He was in debt to the tune of $130,000 (an insurmountable sum in those days!) before some friends eventually helped to bail him out. Three years later, he occupied a desk in the Oval Office.

Other prominent men who made the list and later went on to huge successes:

- Mark Twain
- Donald Trump (2 timer)
- Henry Ford
- William Crapo Durant (founder of GM)
- Walt Disney (up to bat several times)
- Burt Reynolds
- H.J. Heinz
- Milton Hershey
- P.T. Barnum
- Lenny K. Dykstra (coming soon!)

When I look back and appreciate what incredible contributions these men made to our country and our freedom, I wonder if the quick-to-judge media outlets of today would have been wise enough to allow them the opportunity to rise again. . . .

Feel free to contact me any time, teammates. I'm here in the dugout watching out for you: Nails@NailsInvestments.com. As always, I welcome your questions and comments.

Remember: Life's a Journey, Enjoy the ride.

I believe this is the part of Lenny Dykstra's life where the chubby cat comes in and starts pounding on the keyboard.

Lenny's Lonely Letter To Fools [Nails Investments]
Lenny Dykstra Tells His Side Of The Story [Dealbreaker]

Playing For Pittsburgh Makes Ian Snell Depressed [Mlb]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 15:51:30 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Add Ian Snell to the list of baseball players struggling with mental issues this season. The good news is that he seems to found a causal link between his crippling depression and playing baseball for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Snell, who had been struggling all season in the majors, actually requested to be sent down to AAA Indianapolis last month and responded by striking out 17 batters in 7 innings in his first game down. He's tearing up minor league hitters now, but has no desire to be called back up because that would require playing more games for a city that he doesn't like and hasn't been too kind to him in return.

"Sometimes people do stupid stuff and I had to fight it, not to do something stupid and take my life for myself and from my family and my parents," Snell told the station.

Ok, that's ... ominous. So a happy Ian Snell is an effective pitcher, but it's pretty much impossible to be happy when you play for the Pirates. Maybe if they demoted the whole team then the Indianapolis Indians could win the NL Central.

Indians' Snell deals with depression [The Indianapolis Star]
Related: What Is Wrong With Our Fragile Baseball Players? [Deadspin]

How Can You Miss Chuck Long If He Won't Go Away? [College Football]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 15:13:15 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Who has the best job in football? Chuck Long, who is getting paid $715,000 a year to not coach San Diego State, or the consultant getting $125 an hour to figure out how to get rid of him?

Long was fired last year after three delightfully lousy seasons as the Aztec's head football coach, but his contract entitles him to two more years of full salary and continued employment at the university. His job now? Holding campus "office hours" as he works on other "projects." As long as Chuck shows up every day, he still gets paid.

His contract terminates if he ever finds another job—but who is going to pay Chuck Long $715,000 to do anything? There's no way he's giving up a gig this sweet. So in a Costanza-like turn of events, he finds himself in the enviable position of getting paid to do nothing by an employer that doesn't want him around.

So what's the school's solution? Spend even more money, by hiring a former labor relations manager to try and negotiate some sort of settlement that Long will never have any reason to accept. It's so crazy it just might work. I don't think anyone has received so much money to do so little work since the Detroit Lions drafted some chump from Iowa to be their quarterback.

SDSU-Long consultant to get $125 per hour [San Diego Union-Tribune]
Chuck Long sticks it to San Diego State, Costanza style [Dr. Saturday]

Here's Erin Andrews Getting Angry At Someone For Pulling On Her Cords (ALSO NOT A EUPHEMISM) [Erin Andrews]

DAULERIO — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 14:57:57 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.This is quite a sustained grouchy face. This is also the last footage of America's Sideline Princess with her chin still intact. [YouTube]

The LPGA Continues To Ratchet Up The Crazy [Lpga]

Ben Cohen — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 14:30:00 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.The next time I'm hacking away on my local muni, I'm going to pretend like I'm snowboarding, because that's what Italian golfer Giulia Sergas does. Imaginary frostbite nipping at my windwhipped nose, I'll fit right in with the LPGA.

In most worlds — let alone sports leagues — such creative visualization is known simply as delusion. In the LPGA, it's "holistic," and it's the latest craze!

It shouldn't be a surprise to learn of such, um, quirkiness from the sport that, in the last year alone, tried to Americanize its playing field and strongly encouraged in-round tweeting. I wonder if their under-the-breath mutterings or across-the-fairway ballads have to be in English, too.

Suzann Pettersen has been counting obsessively out loud as she walks down the fairway. Italy's Giulia Sergas has been pretending to snowboard while waiting for her turn. Finland's Minea Blomqvist has been attempting to channel Ms. Sorenstam's spirit, mimicking her posture, tempo and facial expressions. And this April at the Kraft Nabisco Championship in Rancho Mirage, Calif., Brittany Lincicome sang and whistled country songs by Keith Urban and Sugarland after nearly every shot. She won the tournament — her first major victory....

As the U.S. Women's Open kicks off in Bethlehem, Pa., golf fans can thank Ms. Sorenstam's longtime mentor, Pia Nilsson, and her coaching partner, Lynn Marriott, for the increase in odd behavior on the greens. Now a regular presence at tour events, the duo has picked up nearly 20 new tour clients since the retirement of Ms. Nilsson's star pupil last year. Together, they help players win with a "holistic" approach that's based on who each client is as a "whole person."

Instead of focusing only on a player's stance or swing, Ms. Nilsson and Ms. Marriott say they take players' spiritual, social, physical, mental and emotional needs into account as well, suggesting remedies that often have little to do with technical golf and have included listening to iPods, playing Sudoku, jumping up and down or staring up at the trees during downtime on the course.

"We know teachers and coaches are wondering what we're doing," says Ms. Nilsson, who notes on their Web site that she hates cocktail parties, loves the color blue, makes her own cereal and has kept stats on the number of ice cream cones she eats each summer. Ms. Marriott enjoys gardening, values kindness, hates "when things are messy" and does her spiritual rejuvenating in Sedona, Ariz.

Here's what you need to know about me: I'm eating a bag of potato chips, I think making my bed is a waste of time, and I'm floored by the wonderfully indescribable, incandescent beauty of the sun striking a brick wall. I also like shaping sand castles in the trap, because it unleashes my bottled-up rage. See you in Bethlehem!

Women's golf goes holistic [WSJ]

ERIN ANDREWS HIT BY FOUL BALL GOES TO HOSPITAL WITH CHIN BRUISE (NOT A EUPHEMISM) BUT SHE'S OKAY (UPDATE!) [Erin Andrews]

DAULERIO — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 13:55:00 -0400

Gentlemen, brace yourselves: From TMZ: "Andrews — who serves as a sideline reporter for ESPN — was struck in the chin by a foul ball hit by New York Mets player Alex Cora during the 4th inning."

But she's okay —repeat: SHE'S OKAY — just a chin bruise, according to TMZ. I do not know if there is significant swelling, or the shade of the bruise, or ice packs involved, but the most important thing is that she's OKAY. Repeat: SHE'S OKAY. I am waiting for official comment from ESPN spokespeople to fill us in on the details.

Stay tuned for updates on this breaking, terrible news that will completely alter the axis of the sports blogging universe, causing it to burst into flames, crap pants, rain frogs, turn rivers red. But again: SHE'S OKAY.

Also: From emailer:

Deadspin guys-

Erin Andrews went live on Sportscenter Tuesday night from CitiField (I think). The video feed went live before Erin was "ready". Someone was pulling Erin's mic cords or something and she turned to whoever it was off-camera and said, I think, "Mother…" like she was about to say MF'er....I texted a buddy of mine right away because Erin's stock went up with such a dirty mouth. Maybe worth checking out.

Christ.

UPDATE FROM ESPN:

"She's totally fine. The producers on site suggested she go to the hospital as a precaution. Doctors released her soon thereafter. She flew home as scheduled and is looking forward to working MLB All-Star events and the ESPYs in the coming week."

Not Just Another Drunken Rugby Pooping Incident [Rugby]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 13:45:00 -0400

Australian Rugby has been laid low by scandal after a horrific "atrocity" committed by one its players. Specifically, 25-year-old Nate Myles, who—drunk, naked and locked out of his room—took a giant dump in a hotel hallway. The horror.

It was an honest mistake! Myles was desperately searching for the bathroom in his darkened hotel suite when he accidentally opened the door to the hallway, stepped outside and it locked behind him. When the inconsiderate family next door refused to let the crazy naked man into their bathroom, his remaining options were quite limited. So he did what any of us would have done: He unloaded his business on the carpet and then hid a on fire escape until morning.

Now Myles has been suspended six games, kicked off his Queensland state select team, and he's gone into hiding to avoid the disapproving stares of the national media. Worst of all, his team—the Sydney Roosters—is in crisis negotiations with Samsung who wants to pull the plug on their primary sponsorship. It seems this is not the first incident involving Roosters and alcohol. (Their own coach tried to break into a woman's hotel room last month, because he was too sloshed to realize he was on the wrong floor. That's their role model.)

It's not Myles' first incident either. He lost his diver's license two years ago after a DUI and had a "zero tolerance" clause placed in his contract. Just one alcohol related incident and he would be done with rugby forever. Fortunately, by the time he signed his new contract, he had proven to the team that he had cleaned up his act and could be a responsible upright citizen, so the clause was removed. That was three weeks ago.

And somehow this is all very shocking and disturbing to Australians. The entire ~~nation~~league is made up of drunken miscreants—I saw that Baz Lurhmann movie!—but apparently pooping in hallways is where they draw the line.

Rooster Nate Myles's night of shame [Herald Sun]
Clause that killed Nate Myles [Herald Sun]
Roosters in crisis talks with sponsors [WA Today]
Nate Myles Banished [Brisbane Times]
Myles in hiding after scandal [Yahoo!7 Video]
Fittler under investigation [Fox Sports]

Tennessean Brings Out The Dead, Asks About Exciting New Line Of Restaurants [Steve McNair]

Tommy Craggs — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 13:30:56 -0400

Here's the front page of the Tennessean's weekly Davidson A.M. edition, which is one of those zoned supplements that go yellow on your lawn and contain nothing but Zales ads and the occasional fluffy interview with a dead person.

The supplement came thumping onto the doorstep of Nashville Scene's Jack Silverman yesterday; attached to it with a rubber band was a letter from president and publisher Ellen Leifeld:

To our readers,

This edition of Davidson A.M. includes a story about former Titans quarterback Steve McNair.

The story, including an interview with Mr. McNair, was prepared before his death last Saturday. This edition of Davidson A.M. was printed last Friday. It is common practice for newspapers to print some feature sections several days before their distribution.

We apologize for the timing of the story.

The story was a thoroughly disposable interview with Steve McNair, who was opening the first of several "Gridiron9" restaurants. McNair is now, you might have heard, dead. The newspaper thought long and hard about this uncomfortable fact and decided it wasn't worth the trouble to pull all the supplements. Per Joe Strupp of Editor & Publisher:

"That had all been done and processed Saturday morning," said Bob Faricy, the Tennessean's vice president/market development. "We really could not find a feasible way to pull all of them back and re-do it in a reasonable time."

Faricy said copies of the Davidson edition that would have been delivered with subscribers' papers were removed and replaced with a new version. But he said the version that goes to non-subscribers was not pulled back, with those copies going out carrying the McNair story.

[...]

Faricy said the key element of the decision involved the ad inserts that had to be distributed and the timing involved in repackaging. He declined to say how much money it would have cost the paper to repackage and distribute the non-subscriber copies. "We made the decision that that did not seem feasible," he added. "We have only gotten feedback from one customer, but we will probably hear more today."

Yes, probably. I'll just note here that the Tennessean is a Gannett paper, and therefore run by greedy, middle-minded nitwits whose idea of a great American newspaper is the Thrifty Nickel, if that wasn't obvious already.

Yesterday's Davidson A.M.: "McNair opens Gridiron9, hopes to add others" [Nasvhille Scene]
Readers Get 'Tennessean' Interview With McNair — After His Death [Editor & Publisher]

Hypospadias And You: An In-Depth Study Of Bong Dick [Balls Deep]

Drew Magary — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 13:00:30 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.I live in the DC area and I have a baby boy, so it's only natural that scientists have now discovered that DC drinking water might be deforming baby boy's genitals. WOOHOO!

I stumbled upon this information when Mrs. Drew told me to read this article in the New York Times by Nicholas Kristof. This is typical. If there's a piece of information out there that will make parents FREAK THE FUCK OUT, my lady will find it and tell me I have to read it and start worrying about it. Embedded in this article, and treated way too fucking casually by Kristof, is this sentence…

And up to 1 percent of boys in the United States are now born with hypospadias, in which the urethra exits the penis improperly, such as at the base rather than the tip.

GAHHHHHHH! One percent of ALL boys? Let's just do the math for a second. Four million babies are born here in the US every year. Split the number in half, take one percent of it, and you've got 20,000 boys born annually who have this condition, which I will from here on out refer to as "Bong Dick". This is the worst thing I've ever heard. I wanted to know more about this condition, so I've done a little bit of research to help keep you, the properly dickholed male population out there, aware of this grotesque and terrifying Bong Dick pandemic.

According to the Mayo Clinic…

Hypospadias is a condition in which the opening of the urethra is on the underside of the penis, instead of at the tip.

Well, now it really IS a skin flute. As opposed to the traditional skin flute, which is really more of a skin recorder, or skin slide whistle.

You may feel distressed if your son is born with hypospadias.

May? MAY?! Who is not distressed to find this abnormality? "Hey, that's odd. Little Johnny's dickhole is on his taint. Oh well, win some, lose some."

However, hypospadias is common and doesn't cause difficulty in caring for your infant. In fact, surgery usually restores the normal appearance of your child's penis. With successful treatment of hypospadias, most males can eventually have normal adult sexual function.

I guess this is a relief, until I found the name of the surgery used to correct Bong Dick. According to a headline on MedScape.com, "Long-Term Correction of Epispadias Good With Penile Disassembly Technique." This is horrifying. I did not know a penis could be disassembled, like a table from Ikea. I assumed it came as a single welded piece.

The worst thing about Bong Dick is that, and Kristof flubs his science on this, it varies from penis to penis. Your dickhole (or, to use the medical term, "meatus") doesn't always end up at the base of your junk. And the shape of your penis can be altered as a result, including severe and painful curving, and more. According to MedScape…

Hypospadias is an abnormality of anterior urethral and penile development in which the urethral opening is ectopically located on the ventrum of the penis proximal to the tip of the glans penis, which, in this condition, is splayed open.

So not only has the greenskeeper moved your pin, but your dick is now butterflied, like a rack of lamb.

The urethral opening may be as proximal as the scrotum or perineum.

So you could end up pissing out of your balls, which would be a neat party trick. Or you could end up pissing out of your taint, just like the ladies do. YOU MIGHT FLOOD YOUR MERKIN. It certainly makes the oral sex interesting, though. "Girl, I have good news. You need neither spit nor swallow. But I'd wear a bib if I were you."

The earliest medical text describing hypospadias dates back to the second century AD and was the work of Galen, the first to use the term. During the first millennium, the primary treatment for hypospadias was amputation of the penis distal to the meatus.

/dies

Since that time, many have contributed to development of modern hypospadias repair.

"Fuck polio! We need to fix THIS right now! Get everyone on it!"

The incidence of hypospadias is greater in whites than in blacks, and it is more common in those of Jewish and Italian descent.

So not only do blacks get the bigger dongs, but they also get the normal ones. WHY ARE WHITES TREATED SO UNFAIRLY?

Don't think, by the way, that all babies born with Bong Dick are immediately corrected and go on to live happy, carefree lives. There are cases of Adult Hypospadias out there, and a Google Image Search will show you exactly what the consequences of that look like. I have seen this. I will never be the same. Further, adult Bong Dick has any number of psychological side effects. According to this study in Andrology Journal…

A comparative study of psychosocial and sexual adjustment (Berg et al, 1981) showed that 34 adult men operated on for hypospadias had less satisfactory psychosocial adjustment than 36 age-matched patients operated on as children at the same age for appendicitis. The hypospadiac patients were more timid and embarrassed as children and were shyer and more socially isolated as adults. They had lower self-esteem, decreased capacity for social or emotional relationships, and less qualified occupations.

And some of these tortured souls end up going to online forums to share their pain. Here's one:

I was born with hypospadias. Between 1965 (when I was at the age of five) and 1975, I had a series of operations at Children's Hospital in Boston to correct this birth defect.

Five operations on his penis between the ages of 5 and 15. Jesus. This man should never have to buy a drink in his life. Ever. Especially if that drink contains tap water from the DC area. I demand the government stop paying attention to the economy and begin paying more attention to our meatuses. Because this is awful. It's worse than the Great Funnel Pussy Scare Of '02. No man should have to go through life with a blowhole on his sack. If you have a friend who suffers from this condition, please, give him a hug. Give his penis a hug. Tell him it's going to be all right. And ask him what he does at the stadium trough.

Where Is The Brotherly Love? [Sad? Whimsy?]

Ben Cohen — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 12:45:00 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Just when race relations in the United States seemed all hunky-dory — welcome to the White House, Mr. President — a swim club in Philadelphia kicks out 60 minority campers because they would "change the complexion" of the club.

That's not a misquote or some gotcha journalism, either. Sixty-five campers, all African-American or Hispanic, arrived at the Valley Swim Club in lovely Huntingdon Valley, where they were scheduled to make weekly trips for the summer. Some of the campers claim they were asked what they were doing at the club, but they still stayed for an hour and afterward, the club's president was "apologetic" for his members' whispers. Just a few days later, though, the campers' membership check was "refunded," which meant they were no longer welcome. Then came a statement from the club — not an out-of-context sound bite, mind you, but a poorly-worded, written defense:

"There was concern that a lot of kids would change the complexion … and the atmosphere of the club," John Duesler, President of The Valley Swim Club said in a statement.

To be fair, changing the grounds' atmosphere can mean a lot of things. For a small club, the blitz of 65 children might have been overwhelming. Or, the kids were minorities and everyone freaked out.

Naturally, the Daily Kos is all over the story, piecing together relevant excerpts from all of Philadelphia newspapers (they still exist!) and radio stations. But why read digital ink when you can read the local blog The New York Times linked to this morning?

The Valley Swim Club is a nice Sunday morning jog from my house, and the type of people who make up the membership are the ones who joined to get away from all the Negroes who might pollute the city pools. So this story is not surprising. What's surprising is how surprised everyone seems to be that this actually happened. Obviously they don't read black blogs. And they certainly don't keep up with the racism chasers. If they did, they would realize that we can't keep up. Racism is all over the place, and chasing it is becoming just too damn hard.

Holla at the folks at The Valley Swim Club and let them know that in the age of Obama even little Negroes should be able to swim in peace.

Word?

Montco swim club accused of racial discrimination [Philly Inquirer]
Pool Boots Kids Who Might "Change Complexion" [NBC Philadelphia]
Valley Swim Club: Day Two [Daily Kos]
I thought black folks couldn't swim [The Field Negro]

Now It's Time To Let Your Star Shine [Announcements]

DAULERIO — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 12:15:43 -0400

So the new commenting system is live. Please hop to the bottom section and test it out. I'm sure there will be kinks, complaints, confusion and minor chaos. Feel free to contact bugs with the real boners.

Here's a little rundown, courtesy of Sir Denton, to get you acclimated:

THE KEY CHANGES

* Privileges for star commenters (see below)
* Image and video embedding in comments
* Comment threads switched (like Facebook and Twitter) to reverse chronological order
* Related stories show to the right of each post (and a few other design changes)
* Comments can now be edited (for 15 minutes after publishing)

RIGHTS OF A STAR COMMENTER

* A gold star next to each commenter's name (as now)
* Comments given priority and published immediately after post
* A star commenter can see comments even before a moderator has approved them
* By replying to any comment, a star commenter can give it priority
* Promotion of another's comments to the featured section

"THE FUTURE"

* Many more items such as interviews, live chats, live blogs, contests and photo pools
* Web submission and publishing of tips
* Discussion forums around personalities and topics
* Commenting via Twitter
* Rebuttal rights for the subject of an article
* Commenters able to call on friends or colleagues for support in an online discussion

Confused? For further explanation, consult Mr. Hutchins' superb in-depth rundown which was posted before the holiday. The Comment Ninja Squadron has pulled together their own manifesto-like post outlining their vision and purpose. That will be published Monday.

For now, the best thing to do is play around and see how it'll all work out. I'll be down in a minute and you can crap all over me if you so choose. It'll be fun. Let me smoke first.

Thank you in advance for your patience. Onward.

Minor Leaguer Pushes Hit Streak To 45 Games [Minor League Baseball]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:40:42 -0400

Mariners prospect Jamie McOwen has hit safely in 45-straight games, which pretty much means he's better than Pete Rose. Of course, that also means he's not as good as legendary sluggers Otto Pahlman and Harry Chozen, but them's the breaks.

McOwen, who plays for the Class A High Desert Mavericks, has shattered the California League record and now has the eighth-longest hit streak in minor league history, and the best since 1954. Obviously, only one major leaguer has had a longer hit streak, but McOwen still needs 16 games to match Joe DiMaggio's best effort—61 games for the Pacific Coast League's San Francisco Seals.

Oh, and longest hit streak in minor league history? 69, dude! Joe Wilhoit supposedly did it for Wichita back in 1919, but they didn't even have calculators back then.

Minor Leaguer's hit streak reaches 45 games [Mariners.com]
Jamie McOwen's 45-Game Hit Streak, Day-By-Day [Bus Leagues Baseball]

Anna Kournikova: Still Not A Jew [Tennis]

Ben Cohen — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:15:00 -0400

When Anna Kournikova came to Washington rocking a diamond as big as the Ritz, a freelance photographer congratulated her with a "Mazel Tov!" Kournikova's response: "I am not Jewish. Can't you see my cross?" Oy vey. [Washington Times]

Bartolo Colon "Found," Still Mourning Michael Jackson [Mlb]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:00:06 -0400

There's no visual evidence of Bartolo Colon's whereabouts—NASA is working on it—but the White Sox say he will pitch tonight. His "disappearance" was really just an aversion to phones and an inability to cope with MJ's passing.

Ozzie Guillen explained to reporters that Colon is notoriously difficult to track down thanks to a phalanx of cousins and the unreliability of the Dominican phone system. So that explains why no one was really that concerned when he didn't check in with the organization before his scheduled rehab start tonight in Charlotte, North Carolina. But Guillen also had a different theory about Bartolo's radio silence.

"I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan," Guillen said. "He might [watch] the TV and cry all day long. Maybe he is in L.A. at his funeral, because I can't find him. When he gets to Charlotte, Oney (Guillen's son) will call me to say he's there.

"Nobody knows how big of a Jackson fan Colon was. I'm serious. He might be depressed a little bit."

Look, we all loved "Wanna Be Startin' Something", but don't you think the Gloved One would want you to get on with your life? Ok, he'd probably want you to put on a funny hat and go to a roller coaster park or something, but let's try to keep things professional.

Bartolo Colon still slated to start minor-league rehab Thursday night [Chicago Tribune]

Swoosh Denies LBJ Dunk Cover-Up, Unconvincingly [LeBron James]

Tommy Craggs — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 10:30:55 -0400

The flash, apparently official: Nike is now making the implausible case that the two hapless videographers at the LeBron James Skills Academy had flouted a longstanding, super-inviolate "no videotaping" commandment and therefore had to be frisked.

Brian Windhorst of the Cleveland Plain Dealer got a statement (and then went out of his way to leap chivalrously to LeBron's defense):

"Nike has been operating basketball camps for the benefit of young athletes for decades and has longstanding policies in place regarding what events are open and closed to media coverage," Nike spokesman KeJuan Wilkins said.

"Unfortunately, for the first time in four years, two journalists did not respect our 'no videotaping' policy at an after-hours pick-up game Monday evening following the LeBron James Skills Academy."

This runs counter to everything freelance videographer Ryan Miller said yesterday. On a Syracuse.com blog, Miller provides a PDF of the camp's media policy (which doesn't mention any special restrictions on videotaping) and notes that the pickup game was not, in fact, after hours:

It was during the regularly scheduled "College Workout #3" portion of the LeBron James Skills Academy. That session ran from 8:30-10:15 on Monday night and the filming took place during that designated time slot.

So now we've apparently come to the fun stage of the story where the corporate factotum starts fibbing like mad, and the newspaper dudes condescend to the whole Internet. Awesome. And all we ever wanted was a grainy YouTube clip of the best basketball player in the world being turned momentarily into Shawn Bradley. We'll never get that now, but here, at least, is Jordan Crawford — suddenly the most famous baller in Xavier history, though he's yet to play a minute for the Musketeers — bearing witness:

I came down the middle. He just happened to be there. ... I was geeked about it, more than anything, just because it's LeBron.

Video of the interview below:

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Nike officials claim media rules prompted confiscation of video of college player's pickup-game slam over LeBron James [Plain Dealer]
Ryan Miller's response to Nike's LeBron James Skills Academy statement [Syracuse.com]
EARLIER:
The Dunk Was "As Good As It Could've Been Hyped Up To Be"
LeBron Gets Dunked On; None Of Us Are Witnesses

PHOTOSHOP: Submitted by commenter XavierMusketeer

Brave Colin Montgomerie Takes Shots at Pirates [Golf]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 10:15:06 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.A bunch of goofballs dressed as pirates dared golfers at the Scottish Open to hit their water-borne target—so Colin Montgomerie took them out his wedge and nailed it. (From about 60 yards away.) Lousy pirates.... [Daily Mail/Sports Rubbish]

Baseball Wives Teaches Your Wife About "Road Beef" [Television]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 10:00:07 -0400

The E! True Hollywood Story is documentary TV for people who don't really want to know about what actually goes on in the world. So why is it educating our nation's moms about the concept of "road beef"?

Most of last night's episode about the life of "Baseball Wives"—who may be true, but are not from Hollywood—could have easily been cut and pasted into a Lifetime Original. It was a perfectly non-confrontational look at the life of someone married to a professional athlete. There was talk of meet cutes, adorable proposal stories, cuddly kids, and rousing on-the-field successes. Plus, there was the tear-jerking dark times. Drugs. Kids with head diseases. They even discussed David Eckstein without using the word "gritty." Then things took an ugly turn, when some dude decided to spill the beans about players' "extra curricular" travel activities.

Nice job, narc. Not that Heidi Hamels or Jennie Daigle (neé Finch) have to worry about that. Even Laura Posada is the type of lady whose man always comes home on time. But when Derek Jeter is your husband's designated wingman, anything is possible.

Western Carolina Football Player Dies During Workout [College Football]

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 09:28:20 -0400

Ja'Quayvin Smalls, a junior defensive back for Western Carolina, collapsed during a voluntary offseason workout yesterday and later died a local hospital. No cause of death has been determined so far.

Players were running sprints in the school's football stadium when Smalls complained of cramps and left the drill to stretch. While on the sidelines he quit breathing and team trainers administered CPR before transferring him to a hospital in Sylva, North Carolina, where he was pronounced dead. Smalls transferred to WCU this year after two seasons at Georgia Military College.

Former Wando High football standout dies during workout [Post and Courier]

Russell Branyan's Power Loogie Deserves A Star [Wake Up Deadspin!]

DAULERIO — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 09:25:21 -0400

Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to tips@deadspin.com. Subject: Morning crap

SI plops the burly, surly-looking Branyan in its All Unexpected Team:

Kind of the hitting version of Aardsma, right down to finding his best success as a major leaguer in Seattle. Branyan had flitted through five organizations over the previous three years because he was a left-handed Rob Deer: Awesome power, awful batting average, too many strikeouts. But he did hit 12 homers in 132 at-bats last year for Milwaukee at a time when the Brewers assistant GM was Zduriencik. So when Zduriencik became the Mariners GM, he thought it was worth the low-cost ($1.4 million) risk to add power to a team that needed it badly, and he made Branyan the first free-agent signing of his administration.

It was a risk worth taking. Branyan is still striking out a bunch, but he has toyed with a .300 average and his 21 homers are already the second-best mark of his career. Zduriencik saw awesome power, and as if to prove it Branyan became Bunyan: He's the first man to hit the Mohegan Sun Bar at the new Yankee Stadium.

******

Good morning. Today is the day for more commenting commotion: the system will be unveiled around noon. We can all fight through the process together. Should be glorious.

Sahel Kazemi's DUI Video [Steve McNair]

DAULERIO — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 08:45:36 -0400

Here's some creepy cop-cam footage of Steve McNair's murderer/mistress getting pinched for the DUI just a couple days before the tragic night at Hermitage. [Deuce of Davenport]

Rick Reilly® Celebrates After Scoring Big Interview With Lance Armstrong's Ass [Duan!]

DAULERIO — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 18:24:46 -0400

But before that, Rick Reilly® was apparently wandering aimlessly on a French road and this nice photographer lady picked him up. Then they went back to the hotel and slammed beers.

Onto the ass-probing in question. This is a portion from Reilly's® latest column where he goes deep inside the cancer-fighting machine that is Lance Armstrong:

He was already the oldest winner in 57 years when he claimed his seventh in 2005. Then he took nearly four years off, went through about 17 girlfriends, had a child in June (Max), raised God knows how much hope and money to fight cancer, and then decided, "You know what? I'm not done."

Armstrong is pushing himself so hard on this Tour that if you want to see him, you have to see all of him, butt naked, on the massage table. And so it was to this famous rump I asked: What would be sweeter, the first one, after surviving 14 tumors, or this one?

Rub. Knead. Pound.

"This one," he finally said, "because, even to me, it seems impossible. Even in the eyes of the experts, this is absolutely crazy. You can't get away from the facts: I'm an old guy. But, damn, I've worked hard. If I win, I'll have worked harder for this one than any of the other seven."

Rub. Knead. Pound beers. Anyway, who wants to go home? You? Excelsior.

PHOTO: Photo Lady Twitter
****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Oh sweet death.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

The Dunk Was "As Good As It Could've Been Hyped Up To Be" [LeBron James]

Tommy Craggs — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 17:45:33 -0400

Ryan Miller, the would-be Zapruder whose video of LeBron getting Tom Chambered was commandeered by a Nike goon, has offered a few more details about the incident. Namely: The dunk was awesome, and Bron-Bron was kind of a prick.

Miller spoke with WHTK-AM in Rochester, N.Y., where he apparently used to intern. You can listen to the podcast here. A rough transcript:

Ryan Miller: [The dunk] was good. I haven't looked online to read too much about it. It was as good as it could've been hyped up to be. LeBron's team actually lost two out of three games to these college guys. It was LeBron; Danny Green, the rookie; Christian Eyenga, the rookie; Tarence Kinsey, who's on the team; and one of LeBron's high school buddies. And Jordan Crawford blew by Danny Green, the kid from North Carolina on the Cavs. And LeBron came for some help defense, and they jumped at the same time, and he threw it down with two hands over LeBron. This is, like, a 6-foot-4 kid.

Interviewer: Man. So then, when you get word that they want your camera, then, how did that all break down?

Miller: It's funny because LeBron's team won that game, actually, [the one] with the dunk. And then LeBron's team lost the next game to the same group of college guys. And LeBron was just standing there, grabbing some water, 'cause it was winners stay on, so LeBron had to sit out a game. And I actually went up and introduced myself and said, "Hey, I'm Ryan Miller." LeBron's good friends with Jonny Flynn, and I know Jonny real well, and I was like, "[I'm] good friends with Jonny." Jonny gave me a little message to tell LeBron if I ended up seeing him. He's like, "Oh, where are you from?" I said, "Syracuse" — [it was a] "nice to meet you" type of thing. He's pretty friendly. Then two minutes later, I saw him go over to Lynn Merritt, the director of basketball at Nike, and then he was talking to him for a second, and then Lynn brought me and another camera guy over. We were the only two people filming — it was later at night — and they said, we need your tape. They claimed you weren't supposed to be shooting the college and the pro guys working out, and I was told earlier in the day that you could, and there was no media policy saying you couldn't. It had to have been because LeBron — he played terribly all day, actually. Those three games he played terribly. So my guess is he didn't want anybody seeing the footage. That's the only thing we could think of.

Interviewer: So when you get your camera or tape — so that tape is gone?

Miller: I don't know what happened to it. He originally claimed, well, like, these guys are just getting in shape right now, these Cavs guys. People don't need to be seeing 'em. He was kind of giving me the runaround with different excuses. There was a guy in charge of the media who took my tape, and he's like, "You know what, lemme just pass this by the Nike guys, and I'll give it back to you in the morning." But the next morning, he said the director at Nike actually wanted the tape himself, so I have no idea where it is.

Miller goes on to talk about how he lived with his college roommate's grandmother last summer but now Ben Howland is paying for his dinner or something, so life is all skittles and beer, even if he is getting his stuff jacked by a gargantuan shoe company and the best basketball player in the world.

Podcasts [WHTK]
EARLIER: LeBron Gets Dunked On; None Of Us Are Witnesses

Ron Artest Participates In Requisite LA Glamour Shot Session [Ron Artest]

DAULERIO — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 17:30:35 -0400

I hope someone has the ones of him posing with a teddy bear and with his fist under his chin. [Yahoo!]

Police Close The Book On The Steve McNair Case [Steve McNair]

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 17:05:46 -0400

Nashville's Chief of Police Ronal Serpas just gave a very thorough and detailed account of the death of Steve McNair and Sahel Kazemi and provided a rather convincing explanation of why investigators have officially ruled it a murder-suicide.

The main points are summed up in this video. Kazemi had a motive, she had the means, and all the physical evidence points to exactly what they thought it would. Kazemi shot McNair in the head, presumably in his sleep, then turned the gun on herself.

Serpas also addressed some of the conspiracy-worthy elements of the case, like our friend Mr. Norfleet (not a suspect), the mysterious 45-minute wait to call the cops (happens all the time), and the seeming illogical nature of the whole crime (murders are never rational.) They're convinced, and there's no reason anyone else shouldn't be too.

UPDATE: I stand corrected. Florio's not buying.

Police confirm murder-suicide in Steve McNair case [Tennessean]
Audio of the 911 call [mp3 file; Tennessean]

Have You Seen This Fat Guy? [Mlb]

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:50:18 -0400

The White Sox seemed to have lost something. It's about six feet high, 250 pounds (roughly), and occasionally has trouble locating its curveball. Oh, and it's scheduled to start ~~tonight~~tomorrow so if you've seen a Bartolo Colon anywhere, please call.

Colon, is currently on the DL with knee trouble, but was scheduled to have a rehab start in Charlotte, North Carolina, tomorrow. There's just one snag—no one knows where he is.

"I know where he is supposed to be right now. He's supposed to be in [Triple-A] Charlotte, preparing to start Thursday," White Sox general manager Ken Williams said Tuesday. "Efforts to contact his agent have been successful. Their efforts to contact their client have not been so successful."

If Colon never arrives?

"Somebody will take the mound," Williams said. "This train is going to keep rolling."

Ok, that's ... odd. So many questions? How do you lose a major league pitcher? Have they checked the ground in front of the dugout? And should we concerned at this point? Williams doesn't seem too worried, but that was yesterday. When does he become an actual missing person? Am I going to regret making that fat guy joke? (I think I already kinda do. It was pretty hacky.)

Whereabouts unknown? Bartolo Colon scheduled to start for Charlotte Thursday [Chicago Tribune]

All You Can Eat, With A Side Order Of Cardiac Disease [Mlb]

Ben Cohen — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:30:00 -0400

One $34 ticket to a Twins game gets you a bleacher seat and free food — everything but beer and ice cream sundaes —so fans are loading up for their sleep-induced hibernation until Brett Favre arrives. [AP]

The Critic-Proofing Of Lance Armstrong [Lance Armstrong]

Tommy Craggs — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:45:15 -0400

The ad you see here is the new Lance Armstrong spot for Nike, which would be merely standard-issue, inspiromatic marketing schlock if it didn't come so creepily close to suggesting that to criticize Lance now is to somehow enable cancer.

Maybe this is an ungenerous reading. But it's hard not to see the commercial as another expression of Armstrong's galactic persecution complex, one that completes the process whereby the cyclist has wrapped himself so completely in his own worthy cause that anyone who questions the one is necessarily questioning the other. Slate.com's Bill Gifford is exactly right to argue this is a move cribbed from the playbook of resentment politics ("Sarah Palin in spandex?" the headline asks). Gifford writes of the commercial:

Over somber piano music, we see black-and-white scenes of doctors at an operating table, cancer patients in hospital gowns, a bald man hooked up to a respirator, a man with one leg on a treadmill. All of this is intercut with scenes of Armstrong riding his bike. "The critics say I'm arrogant," Armstrong says. "A doper. Washed up. A fraud. That I couldn't let it go." Pause. "They can say whatever they want. I'm not back on my bike for them."

It's jarring, dramatic, and memorable-and not in a good way. While it's curious that a multinational company chooses to sell athletic wear in this fashion, the ad is even more interesting for what it tells us about Armstrong's psyche. On its surface, it reinforces the idea that Lance is standing behind the victims of a disease that nearly claimed his life. That is indisputable. It also, however, pushes the idea that Armstrong is some kind of savior. His Shepard Fairey-designed bikes are emblazoned with two numbers. The first, 1,274, is the number of days between his last race and his comeback. The second, 27.2, represents the number of people, in millions, who died from the disease during that time. Is Armstrong suggesting that there's some kind of causal link between him not riding his bike and people dying from cancer?

The ad also implies, disturbingly, that the cyclist's "critics"-and that includes everyone who thinks he's arrogant-are equivalent to cancer. It is apparently not enough for him to ride his bike and lead a positive campaign. He can't help but go after his detractors at the same time. And you thought Sarah Palin was divisive.

Armstrong's petulance is understandable, at least to a point: He's been held up as the face of doping in a sport that owes its very existence to doping. Its earliest practitioners were, as author John Hoberman has written, "continuing the work of of experimental physiologists interested in learning how much abuse animals or humans could take" and who, to weather the stress, spiked their coffee with cocaine and strychnine and took nitroglycerin to aid their breathing. If he has been persecuted, it has been for the sins of his own sport.

The result, however, is that he has curdled into the joyless, scowling Nixon-on-a-bike we see today, one who snarks at his critics from his Twitter account and who needs useful idiots like Rick Reilly to lighten up his image. (Seriously, read Reilly's latest. He talks to Armstrong's bare ass.) This may render him largely insufferable to a segment of the public, but it makes him a perfect pitchman for a shoe company that sells a certain spirit of sporty resentment, and sells it hard. The Nike commercial is the latest step in Armstrong's personal evolution. He has critic-proofed himself. In his mind, he is beyond any questions of guilt and innocence now. He is the Messiah of the infirm.

JerkStrong [Slate.com]

Live-Streaming The Love Life And After-Life Of Steve McNair [Steve McNair]

DAULERIO — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:45:11 -0400

McNair's best friend Robert Gaddy says, despite all glaring indications, Mechelle and Steve weren't getting for a divorce. Nope, the happy couple was buying a new home together. Now stop asking him about the 20-year-old girlfriend.

People need to quit talking about what they don't know. Mac never said anything to me about he was going to get a divorce, and ever since this has all happened everybody is trying to paint a certain picture and they need to talk about what they know,"

Thank you, Robert. What is now known: the state medical examiners are even more confident it was a murder-suicide. Press conference is set for 2:45 CMT. The Tennesseean is live-streaming it, which for a short period of time also had an unmonitored message board. They wisely shut it down, sparing those interested from comments like this while people fiddle around with microphones on the dais:

Steve McNair: I'm chatting from hell

Other various items of McNair Murder Minutiae:

• Bizarre ex-boyfriend Keith Norfleet is not a suspect. His rap song "Closed Casket" is not about Steve McNair. Cops checked. Nope, just your average bravado-filled rap song performed by a white dude about putting bullet holes in people who step to him or something. But he did once throw a phone at Sahel Kazemi. He kept it real.

• Just because he was shot four times by his mistress does not make Steve McNair a Hall Of Famer, football writers say. Here's the overriding sentiment summed up by John McClain of the Houston Chronicle (not the one who thwarted a terrorist attack at Nakatomi Plaza): "He was real good most of the time and great some of the time. But I don't think he was great enough long enough."

• Kazemi was planning on redecorating. She tried to sell her furniture via Craig's List the day of the murder:

Strap in.

PHOTO: TMZ

Lenny Kyle Dykstra Slides Headfirst Into Rock Bottom [Lenny Dykstra]

DAULERIO — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 14:45:10 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.The legend of Financial Wizard Lenny Kyle Dykstra, last seen "flying higher", has finally shriveled up and died: The Dude officially filed for bankruptcy today. I hope you didn't hurt yourself when you fell out of your chair.

The filing indicates that Dykstra, Inc. was kept afloat by shitloads of unsecured loans. Here's a rundown of some of the empty-handed fools that loaned LKD money:

So that's some of the money owed to people, not including the maids ("Fuck the maids!"), the printers ("Fuck the printers!), or the dozens of other people he's swindled. But it's a start.

More unpaid:

Dykstra's attorney, Jonathan Hayes, did not comment in any of the stories, but that's probably because the chances of him actually getting paid for his services are infinitesimal.

Ex-baseball star and entrepreneur files for bankruptcy [Reuters]

How Leagues Learned To Stop Loving And Worry About Steroids [From The SI Vault]

Ben Cohen — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 14:20:00 -0400

The peril of steroids, like the Internet, wasn't apparent 40 years ago when Sports Illustrated published a prescient story about PEDs. In retrospect now, with steroids as dangerous as the Internet is real, professional sports appear more oblivious than ever.

Back in the 1960s, there were already rumblings about how steroids could fundamentally impact sports. Horse racing banned doping, but other major sports ignored the growing epidemic; steroids were the least of anyone's drug concerns. The sporting folks of 1969 pretended "the most stimulating thing you got at a drugstore was a soda," but the truth was that athletes were "popping pills for more purposes than are dreamt in almost anybody's philosophy — or pharmacy." Remember: 1969, not 1998.

The sports magazine of record, therefore, refused to let sporting organizations spew their peace and love and happiness drivel. What followed was Bil Gilbert's 4,500-word lesson in persuasion. He didn't have to depict the league owners in tie-dye. They did that without any artificial help.

• Warren Giles, president of the National Baseball League, says that there is nothing in the rules about prohibition of drug use. "Nothing has ever come to my attention that would require a special ruling. It never has come up, and I don't think it ever will." (He would do well to check the locker rooms of a few of his teams before a game and watch who swallows what.)

• "The American League has no rules regarding pep pills, painkillers, etc. Baseball players don't use those types of things," says the league's executive assistant, Bob Holbrook.

• Professional football: "We have rules on gambling, etc., but none on medical matters," says NFL-AFL Publicity Director Don Weiss. "These are left to the club physicians and the club trainers in both leagues."

• Says the American Basketball Association: "A player should not do anything which is detrimental to the best interests of the club, of the ABA or of pro sports. He must always remain in good condition."

• "We have no written rules on the subject of drugs," says Haskell Cohen, for 17 years the National Basketball Association publicity director. "The league does not interfere with individual club trainers."

• National Hockey League officials say they do not recall ever issuing any statement or laying down rules about the use of drugs. Ken McKenzie-now publisher of The Hockey News and longtime NHL publicity director-says, "I can honestly say that in my 17 years with the NHL, I never heard any talk about drugs."

• "Responding to your request for verbatim rules and policies of the NCAA and NAIA on the use of pep pills, weight builders, painkillers, etc., neither organization has any formal rules or stated policy on this matter. The NCAA says it relies on trainers and team physicians to protect the welfare of its athletes. The NAIA says no need has arisen for formal rules or policy statements," reports a Kansas City correspondent.

• Howard Grubbs, executive secretary of the Southwest Conference: "We don't have any regulations on drugs, alcoholic beverages or anything. That's up to the individual schools."

• William E. (Pinky) Newell, trainer at Purdue University and for 16 years the executive secretary of the National Athletic Trainers Association: "All trainers are very much opposed to the use of drugs, but as an association no policies have been made or initiated or directed to anyone at all because this is a medical problem."

• From the minutes of the May 20, 1967 meeting of the team physicians of the Pacific Eight Conference: "We recommend that the conference adopt a policy endorsing the American Medical Association Committee on the Medical Aspects of Sports" suggestions on drug usage in athletics, particularly with reference to banning the use of pep pills, anabolic steroids and any other artificial aids which hopefully and supposedly improve performance." The resolution was not acted upon.

• A letter dated Dec. 1, 1967 from Edwin J. Holman, director of the AMA's Department of Medical Ethics to a San Francisco physician: "I have your letter of November 29 asking if it is legal and ethical for you 'to prescribe moderate doses of anabolic agents to weight lifters for two or three weeks prior to competition, followed by intervals of three months or more without these agents.' No categorical answer can be made to your inquiry inasmuch as this is basically a medical question. The physician must exercise sound medical judgment in prescribing any drug. Sound medical judgment is not determined by the courts, but rather by fellow physicians...."

Or, if punchy prose is more of your thing:

Such remarks made about almost any sport are at the very least nonsense, and at worst deliberate lies.

Far out, dude.

High Time To Make Some Rules [SI Vault (Special H/T to Reader Michael)]

ESPN: The British Invasion [Espn]

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 14:00:57 -0400

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.ESPN is creating a new UK-based channel in order to broadcast the live Premier League matches they now own the rights to. If "First Take" ends up on the schedule, this could destroy the NATO alliance. [Guardian, via Sports Hernia]

Young Cubs Fan Mocks Ryan Dempster's Pain [Chicago Cubs]

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:35:59 -0400

This young fan in blue has thoroughly enjoyed Ryan Dempster's comical fall over a dugout railing, not realizing that the pitcher has just fractured his big toe and will spend a month on the DL. Go Cubbies!

Yes, in the urge to celebrate a rare victory over the mighty Brewers on Sunday, Dempster attempted to scale the dugout railing at Wrigley Field and failed. The miniature fence sent him sprawling, twisting his right foot in unnatural ways and sending him to the Hall of Lame Injuries on the first ballot.

In a way, this photo beautifully illustrates the great cosmic farce that all Cub fans must play a role in. For a brief moment, the boy is entertained by the clumsy follies of his favorite team, but meanwhile a darker truth lies quietly beneath the surface. The subtle interplay of comedy and tragedy is what defines the Cub Nation's futile existence as they seek to find humor in their plight, lest the reality of their struggle reduce them to bitter tears.

In other words ... who's laughing now, you little punk?

Ryan Dempster could miss month with broken toe [Chicago Tribune]
Odd injury: Cubs' Dempster goes toe-to-toe with dugout, loses [Big League Stew]
[Photo: Nuccio DiNuzzo, Chicago Tribune]

The Laws Of Patriotism Will Require You To Root For Coach K In 2012 [Olympics]

Ben Cohen — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400

So, we learned yesterday, Mike Krzyzewski is expected to supplement his day job with a Team USA summer gig for the next three years. "All leads point to Coach K coming back," Jerry Colangelo said. And isn't that joyous!

Maybe not in Durham, where students have been slightly restless in the three years since Krzyzewski first donned red, white and blue. The last two years' graduates became the second and third since 1985 not to see a Final Four team, and the Class of 2009 watched Tyler Hansbrough victoriously spaz around Cameron Indoor Stadium four seasons straight. My graduating class seems fated to complete the trifecta of dry years. Boo hoo, right? Not even Krzyzewski has pity for the poor souls floating somewhere in a certain tent village's detritus. "If somebody doesn't go to the Final Four during their four years at Duke," he said after the Olympics last summer, "then that's just too damn bad."

Still, we students want a free excuse to visit Indianapolis, and while the Crazies who bow to Krzyzewski when he walks onto the court named after him will dip their heads no matter what, not everyone I know is so reverential. One of my friends was "apocalyptic" Krzyzewski is keeping the Olympic job. Another called the decision "a joke," and yet another asked me to describe Coach K as a "rapscallion." (There!)

The most tepid response, though, came from the person I thought would be the most apoplectic. I say it's fine, he told me. Oh. Well then. But if we're not immediately and senselessly speculating, what are we to do? Maybe, he said, we can dream of an open scrimmage between Team USA and Duke in Cameron. For almost everyone, after all, there's nothing more patriotic than pulling for the Stars and Stripes while taunting the Crazies. I'll be the rapscallion and just hope for a tie.

Sources: Coach K to stay with U.S. for 4 more years [ESPN]
Coach K back with USA [Celtics Blog]

Are The Pacers Too White ... Or Not White Enough? [Nba]

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 12:45:57 -0400

In the time-honored tradition of raising a controversial proposition for the express purpose of shooting it down, Indy Star stalwart Bob Kravitz asks, "Why are the Indiana Pacers so lily white?"

You know who else is white? Larry Bird, the Pacers president and the whitest white boy of all time. In a league that is almost 90% non-white guys, Bird has assembled a roster that is 50% see-through and just drafted the whitest of white hopes, Tyler Hansborough. So what gives? Does Bird secretly have a thing for his pale brothers?

Red (Auerbach) never saw color. And I don't, either. I just pick them. If we hadn't taken Tyler Hansbrough, it would have been Ty Lawson. And if I could have gotten another pick (later in the first round), I would have taken Sam Young or Wayne Ellington."

So he's really just prejudiced in favor of Tar Heels? Anyway, Kravitz then points out that eight of Bird's 10 draft picks have been black and that he once famously said that he was insulted when teams tried to guard him with a white guy. So why would you even ask such a silly question?

In the end, it's not about black and white, but the bottom line is printed in black and white.

Wins and losses.

And nothing else matters.

Oh, so I guess he's not racist. He just loves to lose.

Bob Kravitz: Are Pacers too white? No, all Bird cares about are finding guys who can play [Indianapolis Star]